How do i get my nanny to listen to me....

[bertieboo]

and not do her own thing? I work full time and so my DD (5 months) old is in her sole care all day. I accept thats a lot of responsibility but nanny constantly goes against my wishes and then argues with me when i pull her up on it. She is amazing with my DD and loves her v much, but i feel like she is undermining me at every turn. How can i fix this without feel even more useless than i already do??

i'm in london so guess it wouldnt be hard to find a new nanny! i think she realises that i am pretty relaxed about how DD is taken care of as long as she is loved. so has taken it upon herself to take the decision making out of my hands in the guise of being helpful - which i guess she is, but at the same time i am mummy and i want to have some say in how my child is raised/cared for.
i also trust her implicitly with DD - i know she wouldnt do anything that may cause her harm etc i just wish she would extend me the courtesy of respecting my wishes to DD's regard

Get rid of her. I agree with MyEye - 5 months is better than leaving it a couple of months when it will be a major major upheaval. At the moment it sounds like your DD has enough upheaval going from weeks to weekends if nanny isn't adhering to your routine - changing the nanny can only make things better IMO.

The booking into classes, well I hold my hands up and say I have done that in the past where there were only a few spaces left and it was a "now or never" opportunity, but I only confirmed that my charge would be attending once the parents agreed with it, and if they were unhappy I would have cancelled. The weaning thing is just so irresponsible and unprofessional, not sticking to your wishes about routine is really bad and taking your DD to bed with her is really not on! If she's due to start work at 8am then she should be ready to start work then, not going back to bed!

And don't give her a good reference either. She doesn't deserve one.

frannikin i didnt really have an issue about her booking classes. that to me is v minor, but non the less it was about her making decisions without my approval. and yes the weekends are a bit of a struggle. i feel like the baby hates me

i dont tend to carry her around all day like the nanny does....

Sack her. The weaning thing is absolutely wrong and also if she's taking DD back to bed that also seems very odd - she's co-sleeping on the job. She should be up and ready for work by the time you go to your work, surely?

She seems unprofessional at best, but in actual fact she's being lazy and selfish with your own DD and disrespsctful to you.

I totally understand that you are relaxed about someone looking after dd as long as she is loved; I would say I am pretty much the same, in that I don't consider myself to be a control freak or anything. BUT, you need to be able to lay down a few rules and expect her to stick to them. If she has a problem with any of them, she can come and discuss them with you, like a normal, professional human being. If she REALLY takes issue with what you are asking, then she can always leave, though it doesn't sound as though you are asking for anything that isn't totally reasonable.

Go to gumtree bertieboo and have a look around at the jobs wanted section, see who is out there looking for nanny work. I found our lovely current nanny there. She is only 24 but she is very concientious (sp?) and wouldn't dream of doing anything out of the agreed routine without consulting me, which is reassuring.

Agree with Frannikin that the nanny going back to bed with dd is SUPER unprofessional... completely not on. I'm sure if you have a little look on gumtree, you will see how many perfectly able people there are out there (plus the usual selection of hopefuls!), and you will feel better about making a change.

MY GOD I would sack her. Feeing her food without your express wishes or permission!?!?!? That isn't the same as taking her to the shops when you asked her not too. I used to be a nanny and what the mother said, went.

"know, its bad isnt it? but when i confrnted her, she basically said "i am only thinking of DD and she is eating really well so i feel i am working in her best interest"
so of course i feel guilty for holding off from weaning "

NOT HER CHOICE!!!! Do not feel guilty, it is in her best interests to wait until 6 months. What if your child had/does develop an allergy from having something too soon? And what about the lovely time of feeding the first real food yourself to your own daughter? She has to go.

I can only echo what others have said - you need to take a deep breath and be firm with her - possibly dismiss. Not sure if you are in a trial period or what terms you have in your contract with her - at the very very least I would give her a final written warning stating that you specifically asked that baby is not weaned at 5 months and this was deliberately ignored and that any further instances whatsoever would result in dismissal. Believe me, I have had a nanny who behaved like this when my children were slightly older (age 2): she took photos of them when I had asked her not to do this except with my camera; she took them to see Father Xmas using my money to pay for it - it was a treat I had been planning to do for them myself and she didnt ask me beforehand. She would tell me the baths I ran were too hot and one day she decided to start potty training my daughter without asking me first! Anyways my only regret is not acting sooner in getting rid.

If it was me, and you are meant to give her notice etc I would pay her off. Surely some things are grounds for instant dismissal without warning and this is one of them.

I am bloody fuming on your behalf and had started thinking if I could help out until I saw you were in London.

I would also class what she's doing as gross misconduct and grounds for instant dismissal.

thank you, you are all so lovely! i really thought i was going to get - you are being too precious responses, its her job to take care of the baby etc

and of course i wanted to be the first to feed DD solids. i basically want to be the nanny but i HAVE to work.

am on my way home now, so will give you an update in the morning! am feeling positive and brave. grrrr x

Don't take any crap from her!! You don't need her that much. Can't wait to see how she explains this job finishing away to a new employer! I guess she won't ask you for a reference???

sending positibve vibes your way

Good luck!

Yes, sending very positive assertive vibes!

you're not n london by any chance? I know a nice nanny who is looking...

I don't feel that a nanny caring for one child has a lot of responsibility - sure they have some, but most nannies work for families with 3 or more children (for example, I care for 3 under 5's plus an older school child), so far more responsibility.

Your nanny has sole charge of your baby - so should go along with any of your wishes, subject to them being legal and reasonable given the agreed contract. You are the Employer, YOU call the shots.

YOU decide when your child will be weaned. Your nanny can advise you, as can your GP/Health Visitor, but ultimately it is your decision.
6 month old I care for, stated on solids at 4 months - parents choice.

Booking Classes - again this is your decision, as you are paying for them. Nanny can tell you what classes are on, and why they feel those classes are suitable. Personally, I tend to do PAYG classes - as then we only pay for what we attend.

Routines - established routine should be followed, and discussion with parents with regard to changes (routines do need to change as children get older).

You will have to have a formal chat - written warning stage. Follow any disciplinary procedure which was outlined in the contract.
ACAS - Self Help Guide to Producing Disciplinary Procedures may be of help, if the contract does not already contain discipline procedure.

Make it clear to your employee, that she is your employee and she does what you say. If she doesn't like that, she can leave. If she continues not to do as you say, then she will be sacked.

Caring for one child seems a great job to me... alas I'm not keen on working in London.

Good luck with your chat with your nanny.

I had a nanny like this once, and it will only get worse. As I felt I was losing more and more control I tried desperately to try and dig my fingers in harder and deeper. I asked her to write a nanny dary. She refused. Said she would tell me how the day went when I got home and I could write it down. I nearly killed her. She resigned about 24 hours before I told her to go. She's a nice person. ANd she did care for DD. But what she didn't understand was that I as a parent was not willing to delegate some decisions. And I think weaning is a major one. But even worse than the giving her the food is the fact that she continued to stand her ground as if it is ever justified for her to make her own decisions. You nanny's job is to care for your DD in the way that you instruct. It is not to make her own decisions on what she feels is best for YOUR daughter.

This nanny has to go. The sooner the better. If you keep her for a few more months your DD will be more attached to her. But, at five months, there's a good chance the emotional bond is not yet very strong for your DD.

What is the dismissal procedure in your contract? After I had the nanny I described above I changed the contract to say that insubordination was grounds for immediate dismissal.

I am that she weaned before 6 months against your instructions, what world is she living in! The WHO guidelines are around 6 months since when has she known better????

OMG, weaning at 5 months without your permission! I would sack her I'm afraid I would never dream of undermining a mother about weaning and routine. Booking classes obviously isn't so serious if that was the only issue and she responded well to you pulling her up on it, but here it just seems like part of her general attitude to you and your DD - she's the nanny, DD is NOT her baby.

5 months is a actually a pretty good time to change carer if you have too - I bet your DD would adore a new nanny within a week.

Any news?????????

an update:

I went home last night and asked her if we could have a catch up. I think she knew i wasnt in the best of moods as she was very placatory. I told her i wasnt happy about her going against my wishes with regard to weaning and when she started to defend herself i asked her to stop and just listen for a minute then she would have her chance.

I was very calm and unemotional when i explained that as DD's mother it was up to me when she should be weaned, what she should eat and when. I also asked her to keep an up to date daily diary so i know exactly what activities she is doing and who she is seeing.

I asked her to come up with a structured routine to suit the baby, and that i wanted it by the end of today so we could discuss it together before I start implementing it tomorrow on the understanding she sticks to it ridgidly.

Once i let her take the floor, she tried to give me the story again about only thinking about DD's best interests - so i stopped her and told her it was up to me to decided that and if she found that an issue we would have to have a serious discussion about how we were going to deal with it. I think she was quite shocked by my sterness and the seriousness of our conversation finally hit home.

so, now i will sit back and see if she takes what i have said on board - i checked her contract and she can be dismissed immediately for insubordination.

Thanks for all your responses, its great that i have this place as a sounding board!!
xx

just as a quick aside - some people think its very odd that she kisses DD. is that strange?

WOW, I guess the hard nosed business woman came out at home, good for you.
I was a nanny for a long time and I always tried to do what the parents asked to the letter, she is your daughter after all.
Anything I wanted to change was discussed before hand.

and the kissing, I always kissed the kids once I was close to them, how could you not esp a little 5 mth old bundle of cuteness. Obv if it is in a wierd way then no, but it is just part of the affection, I could never take care of the children for hours every day and not get attached.

No, kissing and cuddling are completely necessary for a five-month old baby.

In fact, I just left my daughter (3) at pre-school and the teaching assistant that greets the children at the door in the morning always gives them a kiss and a cuddle.