How do i get my nanny to listen to me....

[bertieboo]

and not do her own thing? I work full time and so my DD (5 months) old is in her sole care all day. I accept thats a lot of responsibility but nanny constantly goes against my wishes and then argues with me when i pull her up on it. She is amazing with my DD and loves her v much, but i feel like she is undermining me at every turn. How can i fix this without feel even more useless than i already do??

just read most but not all LOL of the post . As a nanny of 24 years I would say sack her . Seriously she is pretending in her little head that DD is hers . I dont kiss on the mouth that is mums reward not mine . I have my own ds (8yrs) and only its him that is my number one . Dont get me wrong I have loved all my kids (charges . I hate that word ) but untill my DS came along I didnt know the meaning of the word . She is so out of order for doing the mummy things ahe is pretending to be you . Look for a new nanny on the quiet and get rid quick . Your DD will not even remember her after a couple of weeks . Please get rid you will be amazed how much better you will feel when shes gone .

PS asa for getting rid of her in the evenings find something she will really hate on the TV ,maybe a documentry of some kind and hopefully she will not want to watch it . LOL

I've always kissed my charges, if they haven't ran away first that is . I've looked after them for nearly ten years , and think of them and love them as if they were my own. I don't think thats odd at all, they've been and will always be such a big part of my life, that i honestly couldn't think about them in any other way.
Children need love and affection, and if i'm the one to give them that during the day, and the children are feeling loved and settled, then imo i've done my job

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but am shocked she's taking your 5 month old to bed with her. This is totally against the health recommendations on co-sleeping: only a breastfeeding mother should sleep with such a young baby as the mother's body does this amazing thing which gives her awareness of her baby's safety while they both sleep.

I'd read her the riot act and give her a set time limit within which to change. On the other hand, since you have no way of controlling her actions I'd get rid of her.

Good luck!

I am quite laissez faire about other people's childcare styles and would normally answer that you should let your nanny get on with stuff, within reasonable limts. However, I think weaning in secret and against your wishes and taking the child back to bed are totally bizarre. Absolutely not on.

The kissing is fine in theory but obviously something about it is ringing alarm bells. My nanny kisses my daughter all the time and I'm delighted about that but she would never do the other things you mention.

Not sure your DH is helping by looking to the nanny as the source of comfort when your dd is upset.

I am quite laissez faire about other people's childcare styles and would normally answer that you should let your nanny get on with stuff, within reasonable limts. However, I think weaning in secret and against your wishes and taking the child back to bed are totally bizarre. Absolutely not on.

The kissing is fine in theory but obviously something about it is ringing alarm bells. My nanny kisses my daughter all the time and I'm delighted about that but she would never do the other things you mention.

Not sure your DH is helping by looking to the nanny as the source of comfort when your dd is upset.

Get rid.

I'm a nanny too and I say get rid of her as quickly as possible. She sounds somewhat unhinged, acting like your DD is her own. She is acting very unprofessionally and seems to have her own agenda. As a nanny I can advise a mother about things, based on my education/experience but when it comes down to it the mother is the one who should be making all the important decisions re weaning etc. You are paying her to look after your DD in the manner which YOU choose not what she chooses. If she truly had your DD's best interest at heart then she would do what YOU ask, not act like she is the mother and override your decisions. Crikey I would be fired if I did what your nanny is doing. There is a huge difference between loving the children you look after (and I hug and kiss my littlies all the time, it's essential for them to feel loved and secure) and taking over the role of the Mother. Good luck with it all. You'll find another decent nanny soon, 5 month olds are delicious and most nannies love looking after littlies. If I wasn't so happy in my job I would talk with you

I was in this situation 8 months ago went on to MN and was advised to get rid asap...what is great about MN is that you have everyones informed opinion (seems to be unanimous) as to the right way forward...in the space of a day or so...then you should act on it...otherwise it will be long, painful and slow...do it now - short pain long gain...you need to have "chemistry and confidence" for any effective working relationship and you have neither nows is the hard bit ...once I bit the bullet I never looked back and then everyone came out of the woodwork with their little stories. A nanny position needs xtra special trust - once you have lost confidence there is no going back...I let things go then got to a point after a final incident where I couldnt even go to work because I was scared leaving my child with the nanny. I know how hard this time for you is now - my husband didnt back me up not because he thought I was wrong but because he is conflict averse - so I had to go it alone ...what really help was showing him the unanimous responses to my post.

How was your weekend bertieboo? And what are your thoughts about your nanny at the moment?

bump

Hello! My weekend was great.
I was very strict on DD and myself and seem to have managed to crack the "routine" i wanted to get her into.
On fri, sat and sun night she went down at 6.45pm as opposed to her normal 8.30pm shinnanigans! Also stuck rigidly to her feeding and sleeping times during the day and she seems to be getting it. Tonight will be the real test!

Re my nanny - well i didnt really see her but......
She came home last night having been out for lunch with some nanny friends and immediately came up to DD when i was feeding her her supper and started telling how much she missed her over the weekend.
Annoying as DD was distracted by this and wouldnt concentrate on her food. Nanny did realise this and half jokingly said "oh i shouldnt distract you when you are eating. but i did miss you sooo much!" She then proceeded to smother her with kisses whilst i just stood back and watched. (i swear its like having a live in MIL )
The nanny loves that DD reacts with her in a really positive way and i admit it does make me v jealous to see DD turning her head to nanny and beaming at her whenever she walks into the room.
She has also started to annoy DH (which is unbelievable as he is the most laid back person on the planet). He gave her a lift to a friends house on sat night as there were no taxis, and the whole way there she was asking him to introduce her to some of his friends as she wants a man and none of the guys she meets at nightclubs meet her standards.
Its actually pretty funny - she spent the afternoon on saturday drinking champagne with some friends at a bar, told my DH this and said something along the lines of "when i get a rich man i will be able to do this all the time". My DH hates that we fund her to drink champage when we only do it on "special" occasions.....
Bitter us? mais non
xx

so in answer to your question oringina, i know i have to get rid of her, but the hassle of finding a new one at this time of year is totally daunting!

Tough.

I know it is hard but this nanny is wrong for your family.

Can you take parental leave? Or get a temp in?

TMSMJ - i am not being unpleasant, i dont care what she spends her money on.
I am also not in the least bit controlling, but i do expect someone I pay to do as I ask.
And as for the routine, if i can get DD to do it within a w/e, why cant she when she is with her all week?

NAB, between my MIL and my mother i am sure we can find someone to look after DD until we find a new nanny. I am just scared that i will repeat my mistake. Nanny does come across as being so lovely, and she really is, apart from not abiding my my requests

bertieboo - are you wanting your DD to be put to bed every night of the week at 6.45 pm?

I think it's time for a peformance management review. Give her a few days notice, maybe come up with a questionnaire for you ALL to complete and then talk through.

Have an open and honest conversation with her about what you do/don't expect and give time limited targets and goals that you expect her to achieve.

You can't 'just sack her' so I'd suggest you at least try to sort things out and make a go of things if ( as you have said ) she otherwise does a good job.

its not a strict routine which is why i put the word in inverted commas. i expect DD to have 4 hours sleep in the day and be up between 2 - 3 hours in between. how it is structured is up to her, especially as DD will have classes she will be attending when she reaches 6 months of age.
And at work i have a structure to my day, why shouldnt the nanny??

You will be fine and I wasn't trying to be awful. I am very supportive of you as I am a mother too, and having worked as a nanny in the past. I feel v strongly that your DD has to come first and if it makes things difficult for a while that is too bad but it is all for the good. Let the nanny go today.

Anna - no i'm not. 6.45 is a bit early, as i would like to see her a bit in the evenings. i was thinking of anywhere between 7 and 7.30, thats about right for a 5 month old isnt it?

If she has a contract you can't just 'let her go today' unless you want to be sued that is.....

OK . I was a bit at so early when you are working full-time and not seeing her in the day.

However, personally, I always put my daughter to bed much later than that so that she and her father could enjoy one another's company in the evening.