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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

How do i get my nanny to listen to me....

204 replies

bertieboo · 29/11/2007 15:19

and not do her own thing? I work full time and so my DD (5 months) old is in her sole care all day. I accept thats a lot of responsibility but nanny constantly goes against my wishes and then argues with me when i pull her up on it. She is amazing with my DD and loves her v much, but i feel like she is undermining me at every turn. How can i fix this without feel even more useless than i already do??

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yogimum · 30/11/2007 09:01

Have to agree with some of the posts saying you should get rid of her. It will be more difficult when your lo is older as she will be more attached to the nanny. I look after babies and would never go against their mothers wishes (even if I didn't agree with something). I also have a baby of my own and would be bloody furious if a nanny did this. As for the kissing, I don't think its a problem. Babies need lots of love and cuddles.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 09:01

yes, i would have thought it was strange if she didnt kiss her. she is the most gorgeous bundle of fat and milk! a few people who have seen her with the baby though think its odd and they feel uncomfortable with it(my DH included)

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Anna8888 · 30/11/2007 09:02

Is it the kissing that people are uncomfortable with, or the fact that that particular nanny is kissing the baby and they don't like/trust her much?

yogimum · 30/11/2007 09:03

must admit though I would feel a bit weird if a nanny was kissing my baby too much. Thats my job

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 09:05

hmm i dont know actually! i think its just the idea of the nanny kissing and cuddling the baby in front of me. but i really have no idea...
i am glad DD gets lots of love and affection as i think its so important and if i am not around then its only right that she gets it from someone else.
In fact MIL never kisses her in front of me...

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Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 09:05

but thats another thread!

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yogimum · 30/11/2007 09:09

I don't kiss the babies I look after in front of their mother.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 09:16

yogimum - why not? is it out of respect for her feelings? or cos you would feel odd doing it?

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MyEye · 30/11/2007 09:25

I met a horrid old woman once who was grumbling about her grandchildren's nanny kissing them... It was connected somehow, unbelievably, to the nanny 'not knowing her place'
I pay my nanny to look after my children in the best way possible, and that includes giving them lots of kisses and affection

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 09:31

myeye , that people still think like that!
i agree, i want my DD to have as much love and affection as possible and i dont really care who gives it to her!

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Pennies · 30/11/2007 09:35

From what you say though there is something slightly strange in how she's kissing her - obvously a bit difficult to articulate.

Keep a very close eye on this one.

Can I just say that what concerns me most about this is not her insubordination but the fact that she seems to want to consider this baby as her own. I can't help but feeling unconforatble with that, but then I still remember The Hand That Rocks The Cradle!

Pennies · 30/11/2007 09:40

Uncomfortable, I mean.

FWIW I was a nanny and I used to kiss my charge all the time - one in particaulr but the circumstances were different in that his mother had died and he needed all the affection he could get, poor little mite. I never kissed on the face / lips though - always a big kiss on the top of the head whilst giving big cuddles.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 09:45

pennies you are scaring me!!

why didnt you kiss your charge on the face? my nanny kisses DD on cheeks all the time

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SquiffyonSnowballs · 30/11/2007 09:47

Bertieboo, I wish you luck, but something tells me this will all end in tears. She will probably be much happier with a mother who is less confident and would appreciate her 'guidance', and you will be much happier with someone more chilled (and maybe younger??). The feelings of being undermined won't go away and she will be resentful of you taking more control. If I were you I would accept you are not suited to each other and move on - making sure you follow employment/contractual procedures.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 09:52

thanks squiffy, you are probably right.
the thing is when she first arrived i did look to her for guidance being the "professional" but i soon realised that she didnt know more than me IYSWIM?
I am still batteling with the feeling that i am only being like this with her cos i am a bit jealous of her being with DD....

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SSSandy2 · 30/11/2007 09:53

I agree with Penny. I don't like her comment that it feels as if dd is her baby. Her behaviour in making decisions, signing up for classes, going to bed with the baby etc are in line with that. This doesn't bode well for the future. She should not feel your dd is her baby. Not at all.

I think for that reason you will be best off giving this nanny up and finding a replacement.

Pennies · 30/11/2007 10:02

I wasn't a face kisser for two main reasons:

  1. I felt that it was too personal. I felt I could give them the love and affection they needed without that level of intimacy (for want of a better word).

  2. Despite loving children I absolutely can't stand snot or dribble and as most toddler and babies seem to have it all over their faces then not kissing them is more of a self preservation thing for me! If I wasn't so snot-phobic I still think I'd be like this for the reasons cited above.

I'd be interested what other nannies do re. kissing sites.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 10:03

could it be that she meant that she loved DD as her own though, as opposed to wanting DD to be her own?!?
as DD my first and none of my friends employ nannies i have nothing to compare her to!

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Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 10:04

i would be too pennies! really curious about this kissing thing now.

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Pennies · 30/11/2007 10:11

Whilst comparisons are useful I can't help but feel that when it comes to childcare then gut instinct is more relevant. One man's meat is another man's poison and all that.

What's your DH's take on all this? You say he's uncomfy with her kissing her - what does he feel about the other stuff?

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 10:17

he doesnt get involved to be honest. he is of the opinion that as long as the baby is safe and well loved then just let her get on with it. Which is why i feel a bit control freaky.
If i am out in the evening with work (unusual but i was out twice last week) and he is there with the nanny and DD, he tends to give DD cuddles then hand baby back to nanny (DD is quite fractious in the evening and he doesnt feel he can settle her, so passes the buck)
maybe this makes the nanny feel indispencible (sp) which maybe gives her the confidence to act as she does

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mmelody · 30/11/2007 10:22

bertieboo.. follow your instincts.. she sounds a whole heap of trouble and if you are feeling uneasy then it is probably for good reason. Get rid.

Pennies · 30/11/2007 10:28

She works evenings as well? I assume she's live in but even when I was live in once the parents were back then I was Off Duty unless there were very special circumstances.

From what you say she does seem to have made herself very indispensible and please excuse me if I'm overstepping the mark here but by her being there and taking the baby off your DH she's not helping either him or your DD in the long run because he needs to learn how to settle her.

Apologies for moving from the main title and straying into more personal territory but I'm hoping to illustrate how shes affecting the household. Sorry in advance for any offense caused.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 10:40

no offence caused at all!

She doesnt work evening - she is officially off duty at 6pm, or earlier if i get back before then. but she does tend to hang around with me and DD. i thought it was just because she wanted some adult conversation/interaction but i do find her trying to entertain DD when i am with her - which is quite annoying.

I totally agree with your comment too about DH too. He will do anything for an easy life, and she lets him! DH and i have had the conversation where i have asked him not to hand DD over to nanny under any circumstances as i have become increasingly concerned at her being an almost permanent feature in DD's day regardless if i am there or not.

When i told her me DH and DD were going away for a week skiing next feb, her 1st question was well who will have DD when you ski? when i said the chalet proivided a nanny she picked DD up and said "oh i dont want anyone else to look after you! you are all mine" at the time i thought it was quite endearing that she loved DD so much and is so protective

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Pennies · 30/11/2007 10:46

From what you say I think she's waaaaayyyy to close for comfort.

SHe needs to be sticking to her hours and backing off completely once her contractual hours are finished.

What does she do in the evenings? Does she have friends locally?

Poor you - I think it must be very hard for you.