Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

How do i get my nanny to listen to me....

204 replies

bertieboo · 29/11/2007 15:19

and not do her own thing? I work full time and so my DD (5 months) old is in her sole care all day. I accept thats a lot of responsibility but nanny constantly goes against my wishes and then argues with me when i pull her up on it. She is amazing with my DD and loves her v much, but i feel like she is undermining me at every turn. How can i fix this without feel even more useless than i already do??

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
NAB3littlemonkeys · 30/11/2007 10:49

When I was a nanny there was one boy who I was very close too and I would have done anything at all to protect and I really loved him. His parents knew this and were fine with it. When I got married he was my page boy and the Dad gave me away. Now that I have had my own children I can accept that while I did love him, it isn't the same as having your own.

PLEASE listen to us. She has to go.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 10:59

in the evenings she has supper with us, then she goes to her rooms and uses the phone or watches tv with us. She has her own sitting room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom in the house.
She does have some friends within walking distance and when she first arrived she used to go there for supper at least once a week. but actually that was before i returned to work. she tends to stay at home during the week.
NAB, re the little boy, i want any nanny i have to love my DD i am absolutely fine with that and would encourge it, which i know nanny does. what does make me uncomfortable is mine and DD's whole relationship with nanny. its almost too close for comfort. does that make sense??

OP posts:
SquiffyonSnowballs · 30/11/2007 11:06

Bertieboo - I know how horrible you must be feeling yourself. Logic tells you something is wrong but logic also tells you that switchign childcarers too often is also a very bad thing, and I know in the back of your head there is probably a voice saying that at the end of the day she IS looking after DD very well and will never harm her, and another voice whispering that maybe the next nanny might bring a different set of problems and another voice saying that she is very flexible and helps out at a moments notice and so on.

Believe me I know all of this. And I still say REPLACE HER.

Everything you have said since my last post makes me more certain of this. I have been here and have fought with myself about what is best for my baby at the end of the day, and I know EXACTLY how you feel. But you need to replace her. ASAP. You are already starting to feel like a cuckoo in your own home.

Pennies · 30/11/2007 11:11

So with her own flat essentially she can be completely seperate from you once off duty, but she's still eating and watching TV with you? Is this what you envisaged when you decided on live in care?

I apreciate that often live ins do have a close relationship with the family, which can work and that when space is an issue this is also the norm. Nonetheless I can't help but find it a little odd that she can live indpendently from you in your own house yet she's still cosying up with you in the evening? That in itself would drive me mad, but then I'm quite a private person.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 11:17

squiffy, you summed up my turmoil really eloquently, and got it spot on!!

I never thought when i started this thread it would lead to this path.... boo hoo

OP posts:
NAB3littlemonkeys · 30/11/2007 11:18

"NAB, re the little boy, i want any nanny i have to love my DD i am absolutely fine with that and would encourge it, which i know nanny does. what does make me uncomfortable is mine and DD's whole relationship with nanny. its almost too close for comfort. does that make sense??"

TOTALLY. You know what you have to do, don't you?

What would worry me is if she knew you were really off her that she would take it out on the care of your DD. I am not saying she would, it would just be my concern.

BTW She doesn't come on here does she?

NAB3littlemonkeys · 30/11/2007 11:19

In my first live in job I ate dinner with the mum once in all the time I was there. I had my own floor and that suited all of us. You need alone time with your DH, your nanny doesn't/shouldn't need babysitting.

MadLabOwner · 30/11/2007 11:20

Bertie - have you tried speaking to anyone she has worked for before? This might give you that extra bit of information you need to push you one way or the other. If she has always been lacking in the ability to give families their personal space, then this is probably normal for her - but on the other hand if she has previously given families lots of their own space, then maybe something is not quite right here?

What does she do at weekends?

Also wanted to say that I really do feel for you. I am sure your daughter is getting really good care, but the control freak in me is reading your posts with an open mouth and hackles raised. Such a difficult situation for you.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 11:21

its not what i imagined at all, especially as her rooms are gorgeous! much nicer than the rest of the house.... her rooms were the only ones we spent money on making really nice so she would be comfortable and happy with her living environment.

so do your nannies get out of the way and leave you to it as soon as you get home?

OP posts:
Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 11:30

i have no idea if she comes on MN. god i really hope not! i have never asked her....

With her previous family, she was with them for 5 years but lived out, so i have no insight on personal space.
The mother worked from home and pretty much let nanny get on with taking care of the children.
This lady couldnt praise her highly enough! she has never had sole charge though or worked with such a young baby, but she came across so well i instantly liked her and thought she could fit in with us really well. everyone who meets her says how amazing she is and how lucky we are, which is why i am in SUCH turmoil. what if the problem is me?? argh

OP posts:
Pennies · 30/11/2007 11:37

"I never thought when i started this thread it would lead to this path...." - I'm sure you didn't and I feel rather bad that the way it's gone seems to have exposed other stuff too.

I know that great nannies are worth their weight in gold and I'm so sorry that you've found yourself in this position. As you said Squiffy summed it up beautifully and I can totally understand your dilemma.

I'll keep watching this thread so keep us posted on how you get on.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 11:44

i promise to keep you posted - think it may be an interesting weekend. x

OP posts:
NAB3littlemonkeys · 30/11/2007 12:27

Good luck with it all.

frannikin · 30/11/2007 13:52

Re: kissing sites - top of the head, sometimes on the cheek (the little girl I look after at the moment points to her cheek and says "mwah" which means she wants a kiss!) but I do tend to go for top of the head/forehead.

Have you talked to her about leaving you alone in the evening? Anyone with an ounce of sense would know that you'd want some alone time, and much as I loved my charges when I lived in I wanted time and space away from them. And much as I love them they're NOT MY CHILDREN. I'm there to care for them, and entertain them, and cuddle them but within the boundaries the parents have set out.

I really think you should let her go.

Surreynanny · 30/11/2007 13:57

Just another point of view. I love, hug and kiss my charges and think of them and deal with them as I did my own ,however I do not kiss on the mouth and I am not their mummy and although I offer advice if I think it necessary I would always want the mum to take the important decisions and I would include weaning as important. I meet many young nannies in my line of work and many are looking for that instant family of their own. It is important you as the parents have your own time as a couple ( could you not tell her this in a sort of jokey way!) and your own time to parent your daughter.
Good luck.

amidaiwish · 30/11/2007 14:46

i have read the whole thread and was already where penny was re: she thinks this baby is hers.

weaning against your wishes omg.
taking her back to bed ?!?!?!? wtf.

and just because she may have some sort of "qualification" doesn't mean she knows better than you. Sure, her opinion may be interesting, but that is all it is, an opinion.

Is there anything in her history? is she desperate for her own child? does she have a partner?

i'm hearing big warning bells here. Get rid.

Original poster
bertieboo · 30/11/2007 14:59

hi amidaiwish - nothing in her history, she does not have a boyfriend and i dont think she is desperate for her own children, but to be honest i havent had that conversation with her!

OP posts:
SquiffyonSnowballs · 30/11/2007 15:41

Oh Bertie I reread my post and thought I should explain that I have also gone through the turmoil of replacing a nanny who we had lost trust in, which is why I was empathising, and I didn't intend it to come over that I as some kind of superior omnipotent being (whcih is how it might have read)... I really do feel for you and it is so horrible being in this situation.

But I do tend to agree with the others that there are some points you just don't cross and she has crossed them....

Feel free to cat if you want to know what happened in my situation....and what the results were, etc.

Good luck

justaboutinonepiece · 30/11/2007 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangina · 30/11/2007 16:14

Hi bertieboo.... brilliant conversation you had with her last night, but I'm with everyone else in thinking that she has to go. It sounds like she has crossed too many lines and to be honest, if she wanted to put her position across to you a few times last night while you were being very clear and calm about your feelings, it's not going to be the last time she challenges your decisions. I don't know, I think there are nannies who think they know better than mothers, as theoretically they have had a lot more practice at it. But if they are intelligent and professional, they keep those thoughts to themselves; maybe they are right and maybe they are wrong. The fact is that you are dd's mother and what you says, goes. Full stop. Re: the kissing thing, I don't have a problem with the nanny kissing and showing affection (though my dh found it almost unbearable, he felt very possessive about it...), but I do think it should be controlled in front of you (common decency and respecting your feelings etc) and certainly not on the mouth!
She sounds a little bit odd. A little bit like my unhinged maternity nurse (who after 4 weeks, I could not WAIT to get rid of, augh augh augh augh!). To be too all over your child is disrespectful, and again shows a lack of awareness of boundaries.
Sorry to go on. You will feel so much better with someone you feel more comfortable with. Don't even feel you have to justify it any more than that. I'm not comfortable, I need to be comfortable. It certainly isn't a problem with you, as this thread so clearly points out!

orangina · 30/11/2007 16:16

By the way, I don't think switching childcare IS a bad thing, I think it looms larger in our heads as mothers than the children sometimes. If it makes you feel better and more relaxed, then it is definitely a good thing.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 30/11/2007 16:49

Switching is def not a bad thing when you are switching from bad child care to good. It is good for children to be comfortable with lots of people.

Use the weekend to work out how you are going to manage when she has gone.

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/11/2007 19:56

I don't think kissing is a bad thing. As long sa she doesn't stick her tongue in.

But she should abide by your wishes.

rookiemater · 30/11/2007 22:21

Nothing useful to add in the slightest but PMSL at MrsSchadenfreudes post

yogimum · 01/12/2007 11:51

Bertieboo, in answer to your question, yes in respect of the mother.