Au Pair Issues - Asked Her To Leave

[TheRoadToOmaha]

First time I've posted here. We hired our first au pair just after Xmas last year to look after our 4yr old son and 3yr old daughter while I work from home. In the time she's been here my son's behaviour has deteriorated which we initially put down to being in lockdown and him feeling unsettled having someone new living with us but he hadn't been himself for a while. We've noticed she favours our daughter and gives her much more attention. She is very impatient with our son and treats them both like an inconvenience. Our son has become withdrawn with everyone to the point that family and our childminder have noticed.

I heard her telling him off recently in French (her native tongue) and frustrated and crying ge asked why to which responded because I don't want to swear at you in English. Also, this morning he had marks on his arm after she got him dressed. He said it was sore but didn't want to tell us what happened. When I got him ready for bed it had turned into bruises that look like fingerprints. He didn't want to tell me what had happened but eventually admitted it was the au pair. I think he was scared to tell me.
We sat down and asked her about it, she said it was an accident and that her ring left the marks and that she didn't grab him. I pointed out that even if that were the case she must have been really rough with him to leave bruises like that. She basically just agreed with everything I said with no explanation or apology. Just feel awful to have experienced this and never imagined this would happen. No flights back to France and I don't think I can really recommend her to another family. I really don't feel comfortable with her being around the kids so really hoping the agency have a solution. :( Sorry mainly just needed to vent and wondered if anyone else had had a bad experience.

Oh goodness how horrific for you OP. I can’t imagine how you feel.

I would give her an instant dismissal and just so long as she was paid (so I knew she had money) I’d ask her to leave as I couldn’t trust her around my children anymore.

So sorry you’ve experienced this.

This is absolutely horrific. I wouldn't be having any sympathy for her op. I'd pay her for her notice and tell her to leave immediately.. I would do everything above board but ensure she's instantly dismissed. Your son has been treated appallingly by her. You don't owe her anything.

Op you have someone in your house who has hurt your child.

Pay her and ask her to leave immediately. What she does after she leaves is none of your concern, your poor son is.

Why is she still in your house? She assaulted your child. If it were me I'd suspect she'd done it before.

OP I don't mean to sound dramatic but get her out of your house right now. She hurt your DS and now she knows that you know.

The Eurostar is still running, isn't it? I've just been on their site and they're giving prices, at least.

Thanks everyone. Weve explained that she won't be dealing with the children anymore until we can find out a way for her to get home. They are going to be out of the house all day until she's gone. Grandparents have also offered to have the kids stay with them until she's gone. Our childminder and nursery are also aware.

I'm really hoping the agency (who have been great) will agree to take her until she can get home. I can't sleep worrying about what to do. My 3yr old daughter told me later tonight that she's done the same thing to her with grabbing her arm :(

I want her out the house but with covid etc I don't see how I can literally kick her out - there's literally nowhere for her to go.

We are in the the North of Scotland so it's a tad tricky with covid. Trains haven't even been running to normal timetables. I'll look into it though thankyou. Possibly a way of getting her over the border etc.

Surely the agency have a duty of care to take her back. You can slam them all over social media with photos of your kid's arm, otherwise.

Surely the fact that she knows we know now means she realises she won't get away with it? Or am I missing something.

No brainer. She is temperamentally unsuited to childcare and a risk to children.

Yeh I would have thought so - they've genuinely been really good so far. If it wasn't for covid things would be a lot easier to sort out.

With covid she would literally have nowhere else to go. No hotels etc open.

@TheRoadToOmaha

Thanks everyone. Weve explained that she won't be dealing with the children anymore until we can find out a way for her to get home. They are going to be out of the house all day until she's gone. Grandparents have also offered to have the kids stay with them until she's gone. Our childminder and nursery are also aware.

I'm really hoping the agency (who have been great) will agree to take her until she can get home. I can't sleep worrying about what to do. My 3yr old daughter told me later tonight that she's done the same thing to her with grabbing her arm :(

I want her out the house but with covid etc I don't see how I can literally kick her out - there's literally nowhere for her to go.

Tbh, I think you need to take a breath. It sounds like you are catastophising a bit. She grabbed his arm a little roughly, she didn't push him down the stairs. I don't know why you're alerting everybody and their dog about it

Work with agency and get her home. It's been a difficult year for everybody, forgive yourself, forgive her, and move on. Deep breath. It's not the end of the world, it's a risk we take when employing young girls with no childcare experience and thrust them into a new culture, then add the stressor of lockdown in a house with strangers in strange country where you can't even escape for a few hours. An au pair was a bad idea this year and I'm suprised we are not seeing more of this. You live, you learn.

I get what you're saying but he has a whole row of fingerprint bruises on his arm, that's not a little rough. And if it was an accident why didn't she tell us at the time? Also why didn't my son feel able to tell me?

We've made her stay here as enjoyable as possible, she has all her meals with us, she is paid well, she isn't overworked and she meets up with another au pair for walks and takeaway food. We made a big fuss of her birthday, play board games and watch films with her in the evening. My husband takes her out on big walks. I've bought her little gifts and things. I'm not really sure what more we could have done to make her more welcome and look after her.

You need to be firm with the agency. I'd go so far as to take photos so you have evidence. She has breached your trust and abused your children. You don't owe her anything. She has created this situation.

Take photos as evidence.

@TheRoadToOmaha

I get what you're saying but he has a whole row of fingerprint bruises on his arm, that's not a little rough. And if it was an accident why didn't she tell us at the time? Also why didn't my son feel able to tell me?

We've made her stay here as enjoyable as possible, she has all her meals with us, she is paid well, she isn't overworked and she meets up with another au pair for walks and takeaway food. We made a big fuss of her birthday, play board games and watch films with her in the evening. My husband takes her out on big walks. I've bought her little gifts and things. I'm not really sure what more we could have done to make her more welcome and look after her.

Nothing. There is nothing more you could've done, but it's just the state the world is in at the moment. Through no fault of your own, you could not have provided her with what she should have been provided as an au pair the past year.

Just to be clear, I blame the agency, not you. They should not have provided au pairs this year when they could not provide the benefits that are supposed to come with the hard work. I fear a lot of these girls will have been sold on the idea that they would provide a certain number of hours work in exchange board so that they could take language classes, socialising and experiencing the culture, but instead they have been locked away inside a strangers house with the children practically 24/7 for no extra pay, being around the adults a lot more than they expected as they work from home, not recieving the usual level of agency or social support they require, and really, just being stranded because there isn't any easy way for them to say 'this isn't for me, I want to go.'

In a different time, different circumstances, she might've been fine, but these are strange times and we're in the midst of a mental health crisis, and this experience is not the one she was expecting.

What I'm saying is, she's probably not a bad person out to hurt your children, just a young girl buckling under the pressure of a bad situation. Forgive her, forgive yourself for allowing her in and trusting her, know your son is going to be fine, and chalk it up to experience.

@TheRoadToOmaha

With covid she would literally have nowhere else to go. No hotels etc open.

Some hotels, airbnbs, etc are still open, mainly ones used by business travellers.

There are a list of legal reasons you can stay away overnight, including being unable to return to your main residence or being homeless. If you don't feel it's safe for her to be in your house anymore, she could probably fall into this category. If you can afford it, I'd pay for her to stay somewhere else until she can get back to France. I believe that Eurostar is still running.

Ah sorry I hadn't noticed you were in Scotland. What I said above applies to England, however this suggests that people who are unable to return to their main residence can stay in hotels in Scotland too:

www.hotelnews.scot/news/scottish-hotels-making-hotel-beds-available-key-workers

Are you serious? WHO CARES about her having nowhere to go! That's her fault, she should have thought about that before she started abusing your son! I'd kick her out that very second, she can sleep in the gutter or under a bridge.

It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY OR CONCERN. Why do you seem to care so much? Chuck her out on the streets which is where she belongs. How can you not want to go absolutely batshit on her arse and instead be so nice about her? Her not having anywhere to go would be the very last thing I would even think about. I really don't understand your reaction at all. I really wouldn't give a flying fluck where she stayed, she could stay in the back of a dumpster for all I care! YANBU for asking her to leave, YABU for not actually asking her to leave that minute you found out.

Pay her and let her find an Airbnb

@Eteri I cannot believe what I just read from you. The boy has bruises on him, purple bruises, she ignores him AND he has become withdrawn.

He has been ABUSED BY HER! This is child abuse. Child.......abuse.
What don't you understand how serious this is, and how the OP - far from 'catastrophising' CHILD ABUSE, has actually imo underplayed this to the extent she seems to care more for Au Pair's welfare and safety at the moment than her son's.

I'm stunned by some of the responses here. This is a police matter. She has abused your child and caused him fear and injury. If a teacher or nursery worker had caused those marks it would rightly be investigated. Just because she's an au pair it doesn't mean she shouldn't be held to account for her abusive behaviour. This is a safeguarding issue and she should not be in a position of trust over any child now or in the future. Report the assault to police and get her out of your home ASAP!

@grandpacificpineapole

I'm stunned by some of the responses here. This is a police matter. She has abused your child and caused him fear and injury. If a teacher or nursery worker had caused those marks it would rightly be investigated. Just because she's an au pair it doesn't mean she shouldn't be held to account for her abusive behaviour. This is a safeguarding issue and she should not be in a position of trust over any child now or in the future. Report the assault to police and get her out of your home ASAP!

Exactly. I thought after I posted my last comment that this is assault on a child and she should be charged with assault. She can stay in the holding cell, that can be her accommodation! Paradoxically I would have to exercise enormous self control/have someone restrain me from physically attacking someone who abused my child over such a period of time they became withdrawn and the final act was hand bruises on them! I really would. I think most mothers would be the same. I'm quite concerned and taken aback by the OP's nonchalant attitude. She's more concerned about where the abuser would sleep. Like, wtf?