Au Pair Issues - Asked Her To Leave

[TheRoadToOmaha]

First time I've posted here. We hired our first au pair just after Xmas last year to look after our 4yr old son and 3yr old daughter while I work from home. In the time she's been here my son's behaviour has deteriorated which we initially put down to being in lockdown and him feeling unsettled having someone new living with us but he hadn't been himself for a while. We've noticed she favours our daughter and gives her much more attention. She is very impatient with our son and treats them both like an inconvenience. Our son has become withdrawn with everyone to the point that family and our childminder have noticed.

I heard her telling him off recently in French (her native tongue) and frustrated and crying ge asked why to which responded because I don't want to swear at you in English. Also, this morning he had marks on his arm after she got him dressed. He said it was sore but didn't want to tell us what happened. When I got him ready for bed it had turned into bruises that look like fingerprints. He didn't want to tell me what had happened but eventually admitted it was the au pair. I think he was scared to tell me.
We sat down and asked her about it, she said it was an accident and that her ring left the marks and that she didn't grab him. I pointed out that even if that were the case she must have been really rough with him to leave bruises like that. She basically just agreed with everything I said with no explanation or apology. Just feel awful to have experienced this and never imagined this would happen. No flights back to France and I don't think I can really recommend her to another family. I really don't feel comfortable with her being around the kids so really hoping the agency have a solution. :( Sorry mainly just needed to vent and wondered if anyone else had had a bad experience.

You're being far too kind op. If someone had hurt my child, I'd get the police involved and wouldn't care about their welfare. Get her out. The agency can think about the rest.

@MyGorramShip

Okay, so you use hired help, which is exactly what the OP is doing!

Without - obviously.

The OP's responses have not been what I would consider be the normal reaction or natural responses of a mother but she has done nothing wrong having an Au Pair. Your child is as much at risk at school as they are with an Au Pair, a babysitter, or even an official childcare centre. If someone's child is abused at school, does that mean the parent is to blame for sending their child to school? Seriously? The OP is in no way responsible for the abuse of her son.

@FluffyHippo If she can afford an au pair, it's obviously more than that, isn't it? More likely so that she can have the kind of comfortable lifestyle that includes an au pair.

I think you misunderstand what au pairs get paid. An au pair isn't a 'luxury' at all, and frankly I'm not surprised the OP had an issue as you're paying someone who is barely an adult the equivalent of pocket money to take on a lot of responsibility. It's a glorified babysitter.

You have a childminder, au pair, nursery care and help from grandparents?

Just wondering why you need an au pair in the first place.

It's about someone palming their children off on a stranger and then experiencing the consequence.

That's exactly what one does when one sends their child to school, @FluffyHippo . To be taught by strangers. Even worse, because parents don't know the teachers (chosen by a govt or school) well.

And agree with PPs that people put too much trust and faith in au pairs. They're usually untrained, inexperienced young people put into unfamiliar and stressful situations.

[quote MolyHolyGuacamole]**@FluffyHippo* If she can afford an au pair, it's obviously more than that, isn't it? More likely so that she can have the kind of comfortable lifestyle that includes an au pair.*

I think you misunderstand what au pairs get paid. An au pair isn't a 'luxury' at all, and frankly I'm not surprised the OP had an issue as you're paying someone who is barely an adult the equivalent of pocket money to take on a lot of responsibility. It's a glorified babysitter.

[/quote]
I'm not sure that the majority of people in the UK can afford servants, whatever you call them or pay them. You're pretty out of touch with the realities of most people's lives.

Police. Your dc need to see they have been believed and action taken.

@FluffyHippo

What are you trying to contribute?
All I see is spite, judgement and resentment because some else has the opportunity to pay for support with childcare whereas you have to manage without.

I assume you also judge parents who choose to use nurseries, childminders and schools?

And choose to berate all parents of abused children online?
How deeply unpleasant of you.

[quote Veterinari]@FluffyHippo

What are you trying to contribute?
All I see is spite, judgement and resentment because some else has the opportunity to pay for support with childcare whereas you have to manage without.

I assume you also judge parents who choose to use nurseries, childminders and schools?

And choose to berate all parents of abused children online?
How deeply unpleasant of you.

[/quote]
I hear the sound of the middle classes ensuring that us proles stay in our place...

Of course you do.
That's because you can't see past your own bigotry

It’s difficult to work full time without any child care help at all. Not everyone has family support.

This is why I would never have an au pair. The young women I knew who became au pairs had absolutely no interest in children or experience of them but just wanted to have the excitement of living in another country. I just don't think that is a good match to young children who can be, lets face it, be extremely annoying and draining.

@TheRoadToOmaha

Right now my concern is my children. If I report it to the police, which trust me I would love to, it will cause a very drawn out stressful, frightening process for my children that will most likely cause more longlasting damage than what has happened. My kids will also have this recorded against their names all through school etc and potentially have to deal with the repercussions for years.

Au pair has made no apology, denies she has grabbed my kids even after being shown the photos. I suspect she just can't handle looking after children as opposed to anything more sinister. I absolutely agree she should never be with a other family and have made this clear to the agent who has notified the French agent that she must be placed with another family due to child protection issues.

None of that would happen. It would be a specially trained officer. No records at school. It's a bad thing that's happened agreed , but look into it further.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

I think you do need to report this to the police you know. It's not about your kids, it's about other people's kids.

I get you're stressed but it won't 'follow' your DCs around, that's just silly. They won't even take a statement from a 3 and 4 yo. You don't need to tell anyone about it. It's highly unlikely to go to court. But it needs to be reported so she knows she won't get away with doing this again.

Sensible advice but I suspect the OP has no intention of doing this. Her perception about what would happen is seriously misguided and despite being advised otherwise by sensible and well informed posters will continue with her perplexing approach

@TheRoadToOmaha please consider a police report.

There's nothing stopping this woman signing up with another agency and doing the same again and she seems remorseless.

I'm sure the police would deal with this sensitively and there's no reason why it should 'follow' your children around

Hi OP, I've got an au pair and I really feel for you. You're between a rock and a hard place with not wanting to boot her out on the street vs letting her stay when she, possibly unintentionally but due to lack of experience, hurt your child.

You did the right thing taking her to the agent.

Good luck and don't let it stop you from getting an au pair in future (although thanks to Brexit this might not be possible)!

@Veterinari

Of course you do. That's because you can't see past your own bigotry

Again, just putting us ordinary people down by labelling us. Thanks.

@FluffyHippo I'm not sure that the majority of people in the UK can afford servants, whatever you call them or pay them. You're pretty out of touch with the realities of most people's lives.

An au pair is cheaper than a Childminder's weekly fees I think you're out of touch with childcare costs. And have a hefty chip on the shoulder to go along with it.

As to whether or not they're servants well, as a nanny myself, I don't quite disagree with you there. I think they're taken advantage of, they do the same hours as many nannies with many of the same responsibilities, for a fraction of the cost.

You get what you pay for

Op you're taking the right actions in protecting your children. It is a safeguarding issue, check with the agent will they report it to Social Services and if not please consider doing this. It wont impact on your children but will result in an investigation of the au pair. She isn't suited to caring for children. Ignore the posters commenting on your childcare arrangements...unless you've privately messaged them, they have no insight into your life or circumstances.

I wouldn't let her stay on your house OP, her just being there will make your DC uncomfortable in their own home.

Again, just putting us ordinary people down by labelling us. Thanks.

And you're just making my point for me.
Why is it you assume I'm not 'ordinary'? What do you even mean by that?

If you want to make a valid point why not answer some of my questions and have a reasonable discussion?

All you're doing is being horrible to an OP who is already struggling and trying to derail her thread. Why are you doing that?

I wouldn't label that as 'ordinary'. If you're trying to use a working class background as an excuse for being judgemental, selfish and unpleasant then please don't. That's your choice. Plenty of the rest of us have chosen to be decent.

@Veterinari

Again, just putting us ordinary people down by labelling us. Thanks.

And you're just making my point for me.
Why is it you assume I'm not 'ordinary'? What do you even mean by that?

If you want to make a valid point why not answer some of my questions and have a reasonable discussion?

All you're doing is being horrible to an OP who is already struggling and trying to derail her thread. Why are you doing that?

I wouldn't label that as 'ordinary'. If you're trying to use a working class background as an excuse for being judgemental, selfish and unpleasant then please don't. That's your choice. Plenty of the rest of us have chosen to be decent.

Ah, of course - now I'm not 'decent' because I dare to question my betters. Perfect! Taking refuge in what George Bernard Shaw called - critically - 'middle-class morality'.