Au Pair Issues - Asked Her To Leave

[TheRoadToOmaha]

First time I've posted here. We hired our first au pair just after Xmas last year to look after our 4yr old son and 3yr old daughter while I work from home. In the time she's been here my son's behaviour has deteriorated which we initially put down to being in lockdown and him feeling unsettled having someone new living with us but he hadn't been himself for a while. We've noticed she favours our daughter and gives her much more attention. She is very impatient with our son and treats them both like an inconvenience. Our son has become withdrawn with everyone to the point that family and our childminder have noticed.

I heard her telling him off recently in French (her native tongue) and frustrated and crying ge asked why to which responded because I don't want to swear at you in English. Also, this morning he had marks on his arm after she got him dressed. He said it was sore but didn't want to tell us what happened. When I got him ready for bed it had turned into bruises that look like fingerprints. He didn't want to tell me what had happened but eventually admitted it was the au pair. I think he was scared to tell me.
We sat down and asked her about it, she said it was an accident and that her ring left the marks and that she didn't grab him. I pointed out that even if that were the case she must have been really rough with him to leave bruises like that. She basically just agreed with everything I said with no explanation or apology. Just feel awful to have experienced this and never imagined this would happen. No flights back to France and I don't think I can really recommend her to another family. I really don't feel comfortable with her being around the kids so really hoping the agency have a solution. :( Sorry mainly just needed to vent and wondered if anyone else had had a bad experience.

God you've done the right thing getting her out - I don't think I'd be able to have her in my house for a second more - she could find a b&b and piss off as far as I was concerned. Hope your children are ok

OP your au pair will be allowed to travel to France if she is going to her main residence. She will need covid tests negative certificates done a certain number of hours before she flies and she will need to fill in the French form required for travelling. There is 6p.m. curfew I understand in most of France but people travelling home from airports home are exempt.

I'm going to ignore the completely inconstructive comments and focus on the constructive ones.

She has gone, she is out my house never to return again. I will strongly consider involving the police. I totally agree with the comments about potential harm of children in the future if she continues work as an au pair.

I'm not ignoring anyones comments and I don't really appreciate the tone of the comments insinuating there is something wrong with my approach. I've provided a snapshot view of a situation that you otherwise know nothing about.

Something else that has occurred to me is that you describe him becoming withdrawn during the au pairs time with you. That suggests her behaviour towards him has been unacceptable for quite some time. Just because he has injuries from this recent incident it doesn't mean there haven't been previous incidents that haven't left noticeable physical marks. This would make me concerned that this isn't a teenager out of her depth once but someone wholly unsuitable to be trusted around children. Adding in her total lack of remorse and that is an extra worry that really should have statutory agencies involved

Not to sound dramatic but I'd definitely report her to the police, she sounds like someone who wouldn't think twice to hurt a child (the arm marks prove that point) the right thing to do is make her leave and charge her with abusing your child so you can make sure she will never work with kids again as i couldn't handle the guilt if an other trusting family let her work for them and for all you know, she could couse more harm to the next kid.

@TheRoadToOmaha

Surely the fact that she knows we know now means she realises she won't get away with it? Or am I missing something.

You are missing this; she is an immature person who can't control herself and the fact she has been caught and disgraced puts her under more pressure. Which could result in further (or different ) misbehaviour. Like, stealing from you for funds , then making a run for it.

Keep your wallets, bank cards, car keys and house keys secure.

I've not read the whole thread OP so I'm sorry if what I'm saying is a repeat from other posters. Firstly, I am really sorry you've experienced this, I hope you and your family are doing okay and are supported. My advice to you is to contact Children Social Care and explain what has happened, they can support you through the necessary processes. You've done absolutely nothing wrong - you've used an agency, references etc... so please don't be concerned about that. This will likely need a police investigation but social care can advise you. I did see your reply about being reluctant due to it further stressing your children. This is a wholly understandable position BUT not one I would encourage you to keep. You have no certainty that the au pair will return to France and not just be placed with another family - they clearly haven't sufficiently assessed her suitability to work with children when placed with you, this isn't something that you can just take on trust I'm afraid. Also, if they've placed someone unsuitable with you, they may have done it with others. I understand your desire to want to protect your children, but with the specialist support available your children can be helped through this AND taught that it is NEVER acceptable for an adult to hurt a child. It will also open doors for longer term emotional support - you've done an amazing job of spotting this and handling it, please keep that going. Other children may not have parents who are so switched on and an investigation into the au pair and agency may be their only hope. I feel for you and wish you all the luck in the world. 🤗

Throw her out on her arse. See how she likes North Scotland in winter on foot.

Fucking bitch would be lucky I didn't beat the living shit out of her.

Pay her and tell the agency she will be leaving today.
Don't inadvertently punish the victim by putting him out of his safe area. Make the perpetrator go.

@TheRoadToOmaha this is really horrendous, I'm sorry this happened, sounds like you did everything right.

We had a lot of FT childcare growing up - nannies and au pairs. The last nanny was really odd with my sister and bullied and belittled her a lot. I was at school mostly, but found it all really upsetting and finally wrote it all in a diary which my parents found. They then fired her and hired an au pair (who was fab) and never spoke of it again. I think it would have helped enormously if they had reported it as this would have validated the experience as abnormal. As it was, it took me until adulthood to realise how abnormal it was.

Now I have kids of my own (with FT childcare myself) in a similar situation I would take parental leave if at all possible for a short period, as befits a really traumatic emergency, and try and emphasise to my DC it's not ok for anyone to behave this way towards them. I don't know what your situation is or if this is possible, but I agree with @Enuffisenough - it's important to validate your kids' experiences of what is, ultimately, physical abuse. And please take some time to be kind to yourself - what a rotten thing to have happen in a totally rotten year. x

Jeez OP, I've only read your first post but wow, your poor little boy. None of this asking her to leave business, she'd have been on the fucking doorstep swiftly followed by her bags.

You obviously did the right thing OP but, I’d really consider contacting the police.
It’s very difficult to get an au pair at the moment (COVID +brexit) so au pairs currently in the country and in high demand. She’s more likely to be able To get another placement without a reference and put another child at risk.

You have no proof it was her though. She denies it.

She manhandled your child badly enough to leave marks. That is assault. Let's put it this way. If your child had gone to school/nursery and said that had happened, they'd have called social services, who would have called the police. Why would you do less? She could easily go on from your home to au pair for another family, leaving their children vulnerable.

@grandpacificpineapole

I'm stunned by some of the responses here. This is a police matter. She has abused your child and caused him fear and injury. If a teacher or nursery worker had caused those marks it would rightly be investigated. Just because she's an au pair it doesn't mean she shouldn't be held to account for her abusive behaviour. This is a safeguarding issue and she should not be in a position of trust over any child now or in the future. Report the assault to police and get her out of your home ASAP!

Agree with this.

On my paediatrics placements as a doctor, if I saw fingertip bruising on a pair of siblings I'd need to find a good reason not to be getting child safeguarding involved.

Definitely poloce, sooner rather than later otherwise she will be out of the country

This is horrible, OP. Glad you have got her out of your house. Hopefully she will not be working with children again.

I really think some perspective is needed. I always thought that an au pair was treated like part of the family and what the OP has said it seems that she had done so. An au pair in turn helps out with childcare much in the role of a big sister or brother would. If an older brother had been a bit rough with a sibling you would deal with it but not call the police. If the girl is sorry and feels bad for what she had done, then she would be reprimanded and maybe sent home. I think the fact that she has consistently been neglecting a child and there is evidence that she has been callous, is a bit different and needs immediate action which the OP has taken. Although I would consider it, and maybe suggest it to the au pair, I still think calling the police on a young teenager who has perhaps made an error of judgement, or turning her out the street without helping her get home is harsh, but to me it would depend on her attitude towards the accusations. I think the OP is doing the right thing.

I'd report her, I would hate to think she is placed with another family and does this again to another child..or something even worse.

@Expectingsomethingwonderful

I really think some perspective is needed. I always thought that an au pair was treated like part of the family and what the OP has said it seems that she had done so. An au pair in turn helps out with childcare much in the role of a big sister or brother would. If an older brother had been a bit rough with a sibling you would deal with it but not call the police. If the girl is sorry and feels bad for what she had done, then she would be reprimanded and maybe sent home. I think the fact that she has consistently been neglecting a child and there is evidence that she has been callous, is a bit different and needs immediate action which the OP has taken. Although I would consider it, and maybe suggest it to the au pair, I still think calling the police on a young teenager who has perhaps made an error of judgement, or turning her out the street without helping her get home is harsh, but to me it would depend on her attitude towards the accusations. I think the OP is doing the right thing.

Assaulting a child is not an 'error of judgement'.

I would not be buying the person who had abused my child a travel ticket anywhere.

Personally I don't think I could be done with the drama of involving the police. However I would also be concerned that, if I did not, she could rock up at someone else's door and do much worse. Tricky one.

Your poor little boy. Not just being hurt, it must be oppressive having the person who hurt him in his home.

You did the right thing. I hope your little boy recovers his confidence soon.

Fair point though.

Have I understood this correctly?

You find out that Au Pair has assaulted your kids, and you *don't call the police? Your children have informed you that this isn't the first time. So how many times, and what else has she done??

Please inform the police. This may well come to nothing, but it will be on her file. If she does this again, this will be on her record. That's up to her. Any record of "previous" will help support any future person assaulted by this person. Right now, your children need to know that you believe them and will protect them.

As for her using French, I'm guessing you don't speak much French, and neither do your kids. Why else has she done that? She's coerced your kids, too. "Don't tell" or something like that is coercion.

She sounds a real prize.

If you don't call the Police and she goes on to hurt other children, they'll be no record of her assaults and she'll be free to hurt other children . Report her to the police for goodness sake.

*there will not they'll