Au Pair Issues - Asked Her To Leave

[TheRoadToOmaha]

First time I've posted here. We hired our first au pair just after Xmas last year to look after our 4yr old son and 3yr old daughter while I work from home. In the time she's been here my son's behaviour has deteriorated which we initially put down to being in lockdown and him feeling unsettled having someone new living with us but he hadn't been himself for a while. We've noticed she favours our daughter and gives her much more attention. She is very impatient with our son and treats them both like an inconvenience. Our son has become withdrawn with everyone to the point that family and our childminder have noticed.

I heard her telling him off recently in French (her native tongue) and frustrated and crying ge asked why to which responded because I don't want to swear at you in English. Also, this morning he had marks on his arm after she got him dressed. He said it was sore but didn't want to tell us what happened. When I got him ready for bed it had turned into bruises that look like fingerprints. He didn't want to tell me what had happened but eventually admitted it was the au pair. I think he was scared to tell me.
We sat down and asked her about it, she said it was an accident and that her ring left the marks and that she didn't grab him. I pointed out that even if that were the case she must have been really rough with him to leave bruises like that. She basically just agreed with everything I said with no explanation or apology. Just feel awful to have experienced this and never imagined this would happen. No flights back to France and I don't think I can really recommend her to another family. I really don't feel comfortable with her being around the kids so really hoping the agency have a solution. :( Sorry mainly just needed to vent and wondered if anyone else had had a bad experience.

Not to mention she's planning on sending her children away to their grandparents so that the au pair can stay nice and cosy where she is.

Seriously, OP, wtf? Either call the police or kick the cunt to the street.

Tell the agency you want her gone by the end of the week or you will take things further.

Also in North of Scotland. Husband works in France. Caen ferries still running, Eurostar still running and Dover ferries still running. Busses still operational so could get her on one to nearest reliable train service. Hotels/travelodge open for essential travel including repatriation - she'd be fine to stay in a hotel but worth agency providing cover note.

I agree with @grandpacificpineapole - escalate and get her out your home

Apart from the physical injury who knows what else she’s done to your son?? Prioritise him not her, I’d have called the agency and said I want her out or I’m calling the police, I may call the police anyway. There is no excuse for treating a child like this.

I called the agent and said she needs to be out of my house now. I've told the au pair she needs to pack her things and is getting taken to the train station in a couple of hours to stay with the agent until she can get home. I took photos and sent them to the agent. Also recorded the conversation we had with her.

Well that is good to read, OP. Does she show any understanding of what she did, any remorse at all? Any shame at being caught?

I would also proceed with assault charges. For your son's sake, at the very least. It is also a way to have the details recorded permanently through assault charges laid in case in future families look to hire her and have that legal information they can look up.

I'm baffled as to why you aren't reporting the assault of a child by an adult to the police. There is nothing to stop her registering with a different agency and being placed with another family.
Yes she could do this in her home country which is difficult to prevent but you can safeguard children here.
By not reporting it, should this come out at a later date you could be potentially be looked into further by children's social care +/- police.

Right now my concern is my children. If I report it to the police, which trust me I would love to, it will cause a very drawn out stressful, frightening process for my children that will most likely cause more longlasting damage than what has happened. My kids will also have this recorded against their names all through school etc and potentially have to deal with the repercussions for years.

Au pair has made no apology, denies she has grabbed my kids even after being shown the photos. I suspect she just can't handle looking after children as opposed to anything more sinister. I absolutely agree she should never be with a other family and have made this clear to the agent who has notified the French agent that she must be placed with another family due to child protection issues.

Must not be placed with another family I mean.

@TheRoadToOmaha

Right now my concern is my children. If I report it to the police, which trust me I would love to, it will cause a very drawn out stressful, frightening process for my children that will most likely cause more longlasting damage than what has happened. My kids will also have this recorded against their names all through school etc and potentially have to deal with the repercussions for years.

Au pair has made no apology, denies she has grabbed my kids even after being shown the photos. I suspect she just can't handle looking after children as opposed to anything more sinister. I absolutely agree she should never be with a other family and have made this clear to the agent who has notified the French agent that she must be placed with another family due to child protection issues.

You've been seriously misinformed. Names of minors are suppressed. Since many children are abused, why do you think any child at school would know or care? And nothing is 'recorded against their name'.

Something you're saying simply does not add up. At all. It sounds like you are looking for excuses not to do the right thing BY YOUR CHILDREN and go to the police. Do the right thing as a parent and go to the police.

@FluffyHippo

Maybe look after your own children in future? Then you can avoid situations like this very easily.

Y'know, you chose to have them after all.

Really?

Ok then.

Reported fluffyhippos comment

Please report this to the police. Put yourself in the shoes of a future parent whose child is seriously abused by her. Small things not being reported is how children get killed.

@FluffyHippo

Maybe look after your own children in future? Then you can avoid situations like this very easily.

Y'know, you chose to have them after all.

That's a whole childcare industry out of work then. What a bloody stupid thing to say.

I think you do need to report this to the police you know. It's not about your kids, it's about other people's kids.

I get you're stressed but it won't 'follow' your DCs around, that's just silly. They won't even take a statement from a 3 and 4 yo. You don't need to tell anyone about it. It's highly unlikely to go to court. But it needs to be reported so she knows she won't get away with doing this again.

Oh I dunno FluffyHippo, working so her children can eat, have clothes and a home?

@MyGorramShip

Oh I dunno FluffyHippo, working so her children can eat, have clothes and a home?

If she can afford an au pair, it's obviously more than that, isn't it? More likely so that she can have the kind of comfortable lifestyle that includes an au pair.

Millions of women work full-time to house, feed and clothe their kids and still manage to look after them with hired help - my mum was one and so am I.

Okay, so you use hired help, which is exactly what the OP is doing!

And God forbid a woman have ambitions and want a comfortable lifestyle, should everyone be scraping to get by and using whatever childcare is closest to them, even if it’s shit, so you can feel better about you?