Au Pair Issues - Asked Her To Leave

[TheRoadToOmaha]

First time I've posted here. We hired our first au pair just after Xmas last year to look after our 4yr old son and 3yr old daughter while I work from home. In the time she's been here my son's behaviour has deteriorated which we initially put down to being in lockdown and him feeling unsettled having someone new living with us but he hadn't been himself for a while. We've noticed she favours our daughter and gives her much more attention. She is very impatient with our son and treats them both like an inconvenience. Our son has become withdrawn with everyone to the point that family and our childminder have noticed.

I heard her telling him off recently in French (her native tongue) and frustrated and crying ge asked why to which responded because I don't want to swear at you in English. Also, this morning he had marks on his arm after she got him dressed. He said it was sore but didn't want to tell us what happened. When I got him ready for bed it had turned into bruises that look like fingerprints. He didn't want to tell me what had happened but eventually admitted it was the au pair. I think he was scared to tell me.
We sat down and asked her about it, she said it was an accident and that her ring left the marks and that she didn't grab him. I pointed out that even if that were the case she must have been really rough with him to leave bruises like that. She basically just agreed with everything I said with no explanation or apology. Just feel awful to have experienced this and never imagined this would happen. No flights back to France and I don't think I can really recommend her to another family. I really don't feel comfortable with her being around the kids so really hoping the agency have a solution. :( Sorry mainly just needed to vent and wondered if anyone else had had a bad experience.

@TheRoadToOmaha

Right now my concern is my children. If I report it to the police, which trust me I would love to, it will cause a very drawn out stressful, frightening process for my children that will most likely cause more longlasting damage than what has happened. My kids will also have this recorded against their names all through school etc and potentially have to deal with the repercussions for years.

Au pair has made no apology, denies she has grabbed my kids even after being shown the photos. I suspect she just can't handle looking after children as opposed to anything more sinister. I absolutely agree she should never be with a other family and have made this clear to the agent who has notified the French agent that she must be placed with another family due to child protection issues.

The stuff about this affecting your children in years to come just isn't true. They're the victims here. It needs to be reported and recorded.

The Eurostar is Running and the Premier Inn next door at Kings Cross is open (son used both a few days ago). She will though need a pcr test dated less than 72 hours prior to the Train.

I would be tempted to ask the agency to helps pay for a couple of nights st the premier inn and a train ticket to London and a Eurostar ticket and let her sort out the pcr test herself (will cost around GBP 150).

Ah, of course - now I'm not 'decent' because I dare to question my betters. Perfect! Taking refuge in what George Bernard Shaw called - critically - 'middle-class morality'.

Yeah that's almost exactly what I said

I honestly think the agency should step in in loco parentis and take her completely off your hands. You shouldn't be under any obligations to her; your obligations are all to your children and that's enough in this situation for anyone. Do you have a contract from the agency as to your relationship with them? Have you actually spoken to someone senior at the agency? They need to deal with her, they really do.

Bloody Hell, this thread has attracted a very strange response
I don’t have paid childcare or help of any kind, or even family help but I don’t judge those who do.
I hope this person is out of your house ASAP OP and that your children are ok

An au pair is for additional childcare not full time childcare while you hold down a job.

Not condoning her at all, I'd haver on the first plane out but you are in a remote location in a lockdown and want a teenager to parent your child?

@FluffyHippo seriously, you're embarrassing yourself. Stop making this all about you. Several of your posts have been deleted - it should be clear from that that you're just being needlessly unpleasant.

@TheRoadToOmaha

With covid she would literally have nowhere else to go. No hotels etc open.

That’s her tough luck. She needs to move out today. I’d report to police too.

@TheRoadToOmaha

Thanks everyone. Weve explained that she won't be dealing with the children anymore until we can find out a way for her to get home. They are going to be out of the house all day until she's gone. Grandparents have also offered to have the kids stay with them until she's gone. Our childminder and nursery are also aware.

I'm really hoping the agency (who have been great) will agree to take her until she can get home. I can't sleep worrying about what to do. My 3yr old daughter told me later tonight that she's done the same thing to her with grabbing her arm :(

I want her out the house but with covid etc I don't see how I can literally kick her out - there's literally nowhere for her to go.

I wouldn’t give a shit, she’d be out. She could walk back to France.

If your child has been injured by this person it should be reported to the police. She should not be in your house.

@FluffyHippo that chip on your shoulder must seriously weigh you down. It's almost as if you think that all women should be chained to the kitchen sink once they've had children - I believe that George Bernard Shaw also said: The truth is that family life will never be decent, much less ennobling until this central horror of the dependence of women on men is done away with.

Well done. Perfectly handled. And you've shown your kids that you won't put up with them being hurt, home is their safe space.

I have to say I'd be on the phone to the police if I were you. Stop making excuses for her, she assaulted a child, badly enough to leave bruises FFS.

@TheRoadToOmaha

Right now my concern is my children. If I report it to the police, which trust me I would love to, it will cause a very drawn out stressful, frightening process for my children that will most likely cause more longlasting damage than what has happened. My kids will also have this recorded against their names all through school etc and potentially have to deal with the repercussions for years.

Au pair has made no apology, denies she has grabbed my kids even after being shown the photos. I suspect she just can't handle looking after children as opposed to anything more sinister. I absolutely agree she should never be with a other family and have made this clear to the agent who has notified the French agent that she must be placed with another family due to child protection issues.

@TheRoadToOmaha: sorry this has happened to you.

My initial thought was 'why DON'T you call the police, because it is an assault' but actually, I think you are doing the right thing. I in no way condone assaulting a child (obviously), but it is true that police involvement like that can be quite stressful for children.

I myself was a victim of a (relatively similar) crime when a little older - 7/8: the police investigations etc were quite frightening for me, although that was in large part because my parents did not handle it well. So, it might be best for your kids that you just get rid of her and move on. By informing the agency you have done what you need to.

I think the fluffy hippo woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. That or they enjoy derailing threads with nasty comments to get attention.

Anyway, OP this sounds awful and you've done all the right things. I'd keep open communication with your kids to make them feel safe and try to move on from this, as hard is it will be.

I can’t imagine how I’d have reacted if this had happened to my little one

She does absolutely need to go and I’m glad you have told the agency to remove her

I know that you are wary of police, but she’s in a position where she could just do this again.

Good that she's leaving ASAP. Grabbing a toddler and leaving a mark isn't on. Not sure it's a crime as such as she didn't hit but was very rough and sounds like she isn't good around kids. Good thing she won't be dealing with them anymore - I didn't even know Au Pairs dealt with the kids but I know I'm massively out of touch.
Definitely needs to go ASAP and glad you've sorted quickly enough.

Is she young OP?

Are you replacing her?

The fact the OP has a childminder and nursery shows she isn't abusing the au pair's hours... the kids, im guessing, go to the childminder and nursery for a morning / a few hours and then get picked up by the au pair for another couple of hours while the parents work

Sorry haven't RTFT. Have you contacted police? This is assault. You need to protect other children too by reporting her. I don't see why you're responsible for getting her home now, she's broken any contract you had by behaving this way towards your son. I don't see that she deserves notice or payment in lieu either. Do people usually get paid notice period when they're dismissed for gross misconduct?

@Handsoffstrikesagain

She’d have been out on the street last night if she had done that to my child. It is assault. Why do so many people minimise things that happen to children? I bet they were terrified. If there was a man in your house that had punched you OP, I’m sure your DH wouldn’t be concerned about whether he had anywhere to stay that night. I’d personally report to the police. The worry for me would be that she’d try to work with another agency or just advertising her services online and do this to other DC - or worse.

Completely agree. And it sends the wrong message to the children if the person who assaulted them is allowed to stay. Out. Now

Does she have a childcare background or has she come for more of a gap year experience?

What she did was very wrong. But can you imagine being stuck in the house of a family you don’t know, in a rural environment, in a foreign country, during a lockdown? That’s a lot for her to deal with to be quite honest and I’m not surprised she didn’t cope.

Nowhere to go...pfft she could go sleep under a bush for all I'd care if she hurt one of my children. I'd also call the police. I'm sure that the police can handle your kids with care and sensitivity while asking them what went on. To not call the police is to be okay with her doing this to other children. Your children need to know that if someone hurts them, the police can be called to help.

@cerealgamechanger

You're being far too kind op. If someone had hurt my child, I'd get the police involved and wouldn't care about their welfare. Get her out. The agency can think about the rest.

Same here (though I see that you have already given her her marching orders - and rightly so).

Surely the fact that she knows we know now means she realises she won't get away with it? Or am I missing something.

OP the bit you were missing was that she's probably told your son not to tell what she's done, maybe even threatened him. By having the aupair in the house you'd be giving her the potential opportunity to punish your son for telling you what she's done.