au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

@BiggerBoat1

You sound delightful OP!

If you don't like sharing your home maybe get off your arse and look after your own babies?

The op is looking after her babies, an au pair is only supposed to help out and is not a nanny.

I don't think it is unreasonable for her to want some privacy with her husband on some evenings, however I don't know how that can be achieved as they and the au pair seem to have got into the habit of sitting together every evening.

Sounds like she's only been with you a couple weeks,
She came after Xmas you said.

Sorry but why do you need an au pair? I appreciate twins are harder but still, plenty people manage to look after their babies without help

Seems very harsh to send her away from the shared living space. Can't you an dh just retreat to your bedroom on occasion?

@Cameleongirl

^and they learn English /do lessons 9-3 - not usually Daytime care^

That must be a special program, because all of the au pairs I've known, including myself, provided childcare during the day. How would they be of help to working parents otherwise? Some definitely had time off when the children were at school, but during holidays they were looking after them.

Yes holidays obv look after school age kids

But a a general rule au pairs are not meant to look after under 2/3yrs alone

They come over to learn another language and see life in another country

@lemonsquashie

Sounds like she's only been with you a couple weeks, She came after Xmas you said.

Sorry but why do you need an au pair? I appreciate twins are harder but still, plenty people manage to look after their babies without help

She wasn't asking you if she should have an aupair. What's it to you? Of course people manage without but if you had twins and were able to you probably would too. We're not talking day and night nannies, private chef, army of staff - it's a flipping aupair for goodness sake!

@CheetasOnFajitas

if I moved to France (as an example), with an aim of improving my French, it would be a bit redundant me sitting in my bedroom alone every night.

I did exactly that. I spoke French with the children during my work, with the parents in the morning and the evening over dinner, I listened to French radio and TV and used it out and about in the city doing my shopping, tourist stuff etc. I also had French classes 3 times a week.

By the end of dinner time I had had plenty of French for one day, believe me. I went on to do a degree and am still fluent.

I was also an au pair many years ago, and had a similar experience to you, although I didn't have French classes. Most evenings I met up with other au pairs and students which provided more language practice too.

But in the middle of lockdown, the au pair is unlikely to be doing much shopping or tourist stuff. She can't meet other young people. She may not have English classes. She's unlikely to be getting much language practice by talking to small babies. OP and her DH are probably her only chance for language practice, as well as the only adults she's seeing face-to-face.

Given the circumstances, I think it would be reasonable to ask for a date night once a fortnight. Maybe offer to get her a takeaway that night or buy a film for her on Prime if you think she'd like that. But don't send her to her room when you're the only adults she can talk to.

@MrsWonderland she's asked for
Peoples opinions and I wondered if there were more to the story? Sounds like they
Don't really have the space for ' the help'

I think it really depends on the au pair.. If I were an au pair I wouldn't want to sit with the parents in the sitting room - I didn't even do that with my own parents. I'd go to my room and facetime or chat, or read or watch tv for time out. Some people don't want to do that though. You could try going to your room and doing that though I know you don't want to seem like a prisoner in your bedroom either. I think you need to break up the routine a bit. Like don't all sit down to watch tv after dinner maybe use the time to shower and wash your hair, get dh to chat to you in the bedroom. If you are not always in the sitting room maybe she will feel more free to do her own thing. Maybe she feels she has to sit with you?

Perhaps you could ask her if she is happy with her room, if maybe she wants her own tv and an armchair, desk in her room (if she doesn’t already have these) to make it more comfortable? There is a chance she would take the hint and give you a little time to yourselves.

@PegasusReturns

I think having an au pair in lock down is grossly unfair.

They can’t get out to in person language lessons and socialise which is the whole reason for the scheme and they have no opportunity to travel and experience a different country or most importantly travel home if they want to.

Sounds a bit grim without throwing the fact that you don’t seem to really want the au pair relationship.

Agreed.

You want your cake and eat it, OP. Don't be so selfish.

Can you not sort this out with her, as in speaking to her about you wanting some private time with your Husband, maybe difficult though, if your Husband doesn't mind her being close by, !

YABU.

@siepie

OP and her DH are probably her only chance for language practice, as well as the only adults she's seeing face-to-face.

But you chat with them over dinner, maybe sit down afterward with a cup of tea or coffee till 9 ish. After that the OP and her husband will either want to watch TV or talk about private things- there is going to be no conversation anyway. They would be entitled to complain if they were happy for her to sit and watch TV with them, but she was talking all the way through. (As you would with any family member!)

I do agree that the other language possibilities are more limited with the combo of pandemic and non-verbal kids. However she has a TV with the same programmes in her room, so I still think that sitting watching TV with her employers all night is odd behaviour and can’t simply be motivated by a desire to learn English.

I would not do as @bluebellscorner has suggested.

The English love to do this; their way of communicating difficult messages is often to do so via oblique hints, which I find infuriating.

If she’s not British (which au pairs tend not to be), she’s very unlikely to get the hint, to be frank. Better to be more direct.

Where do you put your other servants of an evening?

I can see your POV, but I still think you're being unreasonable.

I mean, I get your desire for privacy, I barely like sharing with one other person let alone someone outside of an intimate relationship, but when you advertised for an au pair, you knew you were sacrificing some privacy in exchange for extra help. It's just as daft as someone taking in a lodger to earn some extra money and then complaining about someone else sharing their communal space.

And I get that lockdown means your expectations and reality are not matching up. Normally, no one would stay in the house all day every day if they avoid it!

From her POV though, what you are essentially tiptoeing around is that she's good enough to do the things you don't want to do, and she's good enough to look after your most precious possession in the world, but she's not good enough to share some time with. Can you imagine how upsetting that would feel to know that when you're all locked down in a strange country and can't escape?

I wouldn't want to spend all my time in the sitting room, but she apparently does, so she's probably lonelier than you think.

What arrangement do you have with her? It's not uncommon to pay an au pair a salary and also pay for language classes for them. If you were to set up a Zoom language class, she could have more human interaction, improve her English (I assume that's something she's looking to do, it's why most people au pair in a different country) and you'd know there was a fixed time each week when she would be doing something else.

Mumsnet goes mad when you mention au pairs. I have been on here since 2008 and I have seen it often. I have never had one or been one so I have no skin in this game but it is definitely something I have noticed

I'd say more the case that people post to complain about au pairs when they are using them as cut price nannies or maternity nurses. I've been one and had them and if you want help with new born twins then pay for a maternity nurse or other professional.

I'm more surprised that anyone would want to be an au pair at the moment considering the combination of recurring lockdowns and Brexit border rulese. In fact the whole story is quite incredible.

Wolf142
you still haven't told us what arrangements you made for your au-pair, what accommodation you are providing, what classes you are paying - virtual classes are still a thing.

What exactly do you expect the au-pair to do in the evening, when you could just go in your bedroom, lie on the bed with your husband instead of sitting on your sofa.

I have kids, they might not sit every single evening with us, DH and I both spend time in our own study or bedroom anyway, but they are in and out, a living room or family room is not the room for privacy , where you make the kids or the au-pair feel uncomfortable if they dare walking in

so I still think that sitting watching TV with her employers all night is odd behaviour and can’t simply be motivated by a desire to learn English.

but that's the risk of having an au-pair! Some are more social or independent than others, some will be delighted to be on zoom with their friends every night, some will decide the kitchen is their favourite room in the house and spend all their time in it, others your living room.

Unless you are very specific (and frankly bonkers) and state that the au-pair is dismissed after a certain time, must make her own diner and take it to her bedroom where she is to disappear for the reminder of the evening, YABU.

It doesn't matter what YOU would have done as an au-pair, you are not her (or him).

Maybe the OP is really subconsciously concerned that the husband wants to give her a right proper nouning?

This is the reason we never had an au pair. We tried it once but the arrangement just wasn’t for us. Ours was totally unsociable, so exact opposite of OP. She treated our home like a hotel to the point of being visibly annoyed when DC wanted to interact (as in acknowledge, not play with or otherwise look after) with her when she felt that to she was off the clock. She once shut/slammed the door to her room in my 2yo face. I get it, I am a very private person myself, but this crossed over into us feeling as if we were running a hotel and that we had to tiptoe around her as we clearly got on her nerves.

@draughtycatflap that would have crossed my mind

@C8H10N4O2
Yes, you are right. The defending of au pairs usually comes after people come on to slag off their au pairs or nannies.

@C8H10N4O2

Mumsnet goes mad when you mention au pairs. I have been on here since 2008 and I have seen it often. I have never had one or been one so I have no skin in this game but it is definitely something I have noticed

I'd say more the case that people post to complain about au pairs when they are using them as cut price nannies or maternity nurses. I've been one and had them and if you want help with new born twins then pay for a maternity nurse or other professional.

I'm more surprised that anyone would want to be an au pair at the moment considering the combination of recurring lockdowns and Brexit border rulese. In fact the whole story is quite incredible.

Nope, people lay into anyone on here who dares to employ a nanny too. It's just a spiteful jealous MN mindset and this isn't even AIBU.

Sunshine cake: it was a Joke. Hence the laughing and embarrassed look. No one else had made the joke yet and I thought...ah well....
Pardon me,

Also to the poster who said that she and her husband are introverted but had an au pair but "weren't really into the whole "part of the family" thing" ugh. The mind boggles. Just cruel.

Well, it depends on the type of au pair you get. I considered being an au pair because I would have enjoyed getting properly fluent in another language and I really enjoy playing with young children but what put me off was the "family stuff". Because I am an introvert - some au pairs will be! I would have preferred to eat dinner with my hosts and then do my own thing - watch TV, talk to my friends, read books etc.

I think where OP went wrong is not seeking out the right person here.