au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

@BooBahBoo

I'm not going to apologise for my post, nor should Miriam *@MrsWonderland*. Why are you so triggered by an opinion? Do you have an au pair who you treat badly and this is an uncomfortable read?

I think it's utterly disgusting that someone coming from a position of such priviledge is complaining about someone they've hired, presumably from another country, on a much lower wage, wanting to sit with other humans after they've done their work for the day. This person isn't a random blow-in that they've took in out of pity. They hired her!

I'm also not going to apologise for making a comment about the OP's constant 'exhausted' references. Sorry, during this climate where people are trying to WFH and home school multiple kids, I think it's a bit lost on me. A mum, a dad and an au pair for two babies should really not result in someone being utterly 'exhausted'. Most parents of newborns at the minute have minimal to no support (hence support bubbles for under ones). Most are doing it entirely on their own as they are either single parents or their partner is working. So, perhaps some perspective is needed.

I won't have respect for anyone who thinks that a decent way to treat an au pair is to banish them to their room after they've done their work. Especially in this climate. She can hardly go out and do other things, can she? But, no, she should remain holed up in her bedroom every evening.

There's also the cultural element that other PPs have alluded to. Whereby au pairs work on a lower pay in return for improving their English skills and learning more about the culture, among other things (most of which are unavailable at present). I don't know about you, but if I moved to France (as an example), with an aim of improving my French, it would be a bit redundant me sitting in my bedroom alone every night. I could have done that from my home in the UK.

Treat other humans, as humans, not baby minding and cleaning machines who are to make themselves scare once baby bedtime comes. Au pairs are part of the family, and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone that no, they cannot use the communal family space in their downtime. If I want to sprawl out and cuddle my partner, I could always go somewhere, oh, I don't know... that the AP wouldn't go? Like, my bedroom?

But, of course, it's not okay for OP to be expected to go to her bedroom in the evenings. Only the lowly au pair must do that.

Bloody disgusting. Pay for a nanny and a cleaner/housekeeper if you want people to fuck off past 7pm. And pay them their appropriate rates, too. Absolutely fed up with people thinking that their needs are the only needs that matter. The poor girl is probably bored out of her mind and homesick. Does she even have a bedroom that's nice to be in? She could be in a tiny box room with barely room to swing a cat for all we know. Expecting someone to live out of such a small space is criminal.

Absolutely spot on !!. Well written

I like the date night once a week suggestion. You could mention to her that your husband is going organising a date night for you. Do that a couple of times and she might get the hint that you need some time alone. And other than that maybe go to your bedroom some nights to get some alone time.

Just feel sorry for her really. Strange country (assuming she's from another country), different language, knows nobody and no chance of socialising at the moment. You're the only people she can physIcally be with! On the other hand she might be desperate to go to her room of an evening but feels it would be wrong to do so. Have you ever said to her that she doesn't have to sit with you in the evenings? Doesn't she have a million people on whatsapp or zoom etc to spend hours with?

I’m with @BooBahBoo she makes some good points

I don't know any teenagers who spend all evening every evening in the living room with their parents.

We are not in normal times though.

If the OP had have come on 18mths ago with this issue I would have answered YANBU immediately. It would seem an odd situation. BUT pandemic, lockdown, restrictions, maybe fear of going out and bringing COVID back to the household, too many things to count at present that are not usually factors.

I’m not in the UK and we are not in lockdown but still have restrictions that limit the kids activities and social lives. Usually they are coming and going and I’d be able to lay in the lounge watching tv. Not since this shit show has started though, now have a full house every night with young adults through teens using the lounge room as well. They don’t want to spend all night in a bedroom and there’s nowhere else for them to go at present. So I’m upright, vertical and sharing my lounge. If I get up to go to the kitchen I’ve been known to lose my seat. Again, in normal times it’s generally just me stretched out with the remote all to myself. These are not normal times and we must suck things like this up.

So, OP given the current situation and the fact your au pair can’t do any of the things she would normally do that would give you the lounge room to yourself, requesting she lock herself in her room while you have a date night with your DH is preposterous. Why can’t you go lay on your bed in your bedroom and cuddle if it’s important to you, why ask her to sequester herself in her room? I imagine she’s really disappointed she’s stuck with you and DH if an evening rather than out and about meeting young people her own age and having fun but she’s making the best of it and so should you.

@MiriamMargo, I certainly do know what 'life is like for Joe Public' would you like some salt and vinegar for that chip? If OP wants that much help they should either pay for it or accept they can't afford to and manage the situation differently.

As an ex au pair 20+ years ago, I was never invited to sit in the lounge in the evening and always sat in my room, there was nowhere to go as the place was very rural , there was only one other au pair about 10 miles away by bus and the use of car I was promised never materialised
Plus I was in a country where I tried to learn the language it was very hard ( Northern Scandinavia )

This was obviously way before Covid and way before we had access to the internet and mobiles and I can say it was probably the loneliest I have ever been in my entire life , the family initially were lovely and welcoming but there was a real clash between the mother and the father over how the children were disciplined and I was stuck in the middle.

Please talk to your Au Pair, make her feel she is welcome , we are in the most challenging times and she literally cannot go anywhere.

After the kids I looked after went through my stuff when I was out for walk and wrecked all my make up , toiletries etc and the mum said they were just 'playing' I burst into tears and begged my family to lend me the money to come home.

She sounds odd and needy. How old is she?

We have late teen/adult DC and they rarely want to watch what DH and I are watching or sit with us while we’re cuddling on the sofa . We occasionally watch a big new movie that’s just come out together, with popcorn, nice drinks 🥤and the sofas rearranged in front of the TV but there’s no way they’d sit in the lounge with us all evening. I can’t imagine a non family member/employee would want to either!

The only thing you can do is tell her you and your DH would like some to yourself in the evening to relax on your own so could she watch TV in her room a few evenings a week. Say that you’re not used to having someone else in the house and you need you own space but don’t want her to feel awkward. I’m sure she’ll understand and No you shouldn’t have to go to your room. It’s your house.

First of all, it could be that she feels obliged to sit with you and thinks you expect it and actually would rather not every evening...but is trying to do the right thing and not offend you. Or, there is the key point about her simply needing adult company at this time when there really is t much to be had. And as you know really, she has come to be part of the family and so you need to graciously accept her presence in your house at this point and also at other points where things might feel a bit awkward.

I think you can ask for one evening alone with your DH. The key will be to just lay out what you want very clearly and not go round the houses or leave it vague. Language gaps and inexperience gaps due to au pairs being young, mean any vague communication often results in misunderstands....so it's better to say what you want very clearly and with a smile.

It is clear you are a first timer with having au pairs. Experienced hosts know the lay out expectations down to the nth degree very clearly from the start and to communicate without fear of creating offence. It really is the only way. You have to be kind and welcoming and to genuinely include the, as part of your home, but at the same time to make clear what your expectations are, as you might with a young adult who was part of your family.

It is okay to say to an au pair, that there are certain times if the day when they can use the kitchen for their own cooking or when they can't. It is okay to say when they can use the car and when they can't. It is okay to say when they can do their own laundry and when you need access to the washing machine. It is okay to establish expectations about use of the landline, or various family spaces like living room, bathrooms, other spaces. But this should all be done within the context that they are part of the family and not being constantly shunted out of the way. Some private space is fine, but feeling welcome to join the adults (or to choose not to...equally important) is vital. They shouldn't be treated or feel like they are purely there for cheap childcare and when those hours are over, should be out of sight and out of mind.

So this is probably about the bigger issues of communication and setting expectations with au pairs. COvid and lockdown mean you might have to adjust some of your expectations ....but the basic principles apply.

YANBU to want space but YABU to expect the au pair to behave like a nanny.

An au pair is meant to be a mutually beneficial arrangement.

It sounds like you’re expecting the au pair to behave like a live in nanny. An experienced live in nanny would be older, and have different expectations.

Maybe she thinks she will appear rude if she doesn't want to socialise in the evening with you two?
That you might think she is upset about something?

Can you get her a TV in her room? Or a laptop

Or ....
Start making out with your husband on Friday nights sufficiently to embarrass her....then apologies and say whoops Friday night is date night. She might take the hint?
🤣😳🤣

I can't stand people like you who get an au pair/lodger and then complain about them sitting in the living room. Why didn't you think about that before hiring her?

@BooBahBoo - nailed it 👍🏻

"Au pair " means " equal to" .

She's not a maid or skivvy; she is a guest in your home who helps out in exchange for the opportunity to acquire and practice the local language and social customs. For this, the au pair needs to spend adult social time with you and your husband. She can't learn language or social customs from your babies. You are cheating her of what you're expected to provide.

  Clearly what you really want is a live in  nanny. For that you will have to pay far higher  wages, plus (compulsory)  pension contributions and  employers NIC.   You'll probably also need to employ a domestic cleaner,  to do the work that's not expected of  nannies and au pairs.

If you have paid staff who live in your house, you have to start as you mean to go on. I understand it is awkward having your au pair sit with you every evening but presumably you have more than one room, maybe a dining room with a sofa, that she could use as her living room. She could have a TV in there. However it will be difficult to change the pattern now that it has been established. The last thing you want to do is make her feel embarrassed or unwelcome so I honestly don't know how you can go about it.

I do not envy you one bit, could never have had another adult living in my house and would have preferred hiring someone who went home in the evening. That doesn't help you at the moment of course.

'Date nights' sound like a plan but not spontaneous.

When the au pair eventually leaves you, don't get another one, hire a daily help/childminder, it's much easier.

Who said anything about making the girl sit alone in her room every night? The OP asked about once a fortnight.

Mumsnet goes mad when you mention au pairs. I have been on here since 2008 and I have seen it often. I have never had one or been one so I have no skin in this game but it is definitely something I have noticed

Maybe she's after your DH, he seems quite happy with her around too.

An experienced live in nanny would be older, and have different expectations.

And cost a shitload more.

@BooBahBoo

I'm not going to apologise for my post, nor should Miriam *@MrsWonderland*. Why are you so triggered by an opinion? Do you have an au pair who you treat badly and this is an uncomfortable read?

I think it's utterly disgusting that someone coming from a position of such priviledge is complaining about someone they've hired, presumably from another country, on a much lower wage, wanting to sit with other humans after they've done their work for the day. This person isn't a random blow-in that they've took in out of pity. They hired her!

I'm also not going to apologise for making a comment about the OP's constant 'exhausted' references. Sorry, during this climate where people are trying to WFH and home school multiple kids, I think it's a bit lost on me. A mum, a dad and an au pair for two babies should really not result in someone being utterly 'exhausted'. Most parents of newborns at the minute have minimal to no support (hence support bubbles for under ones). Most are doing it entirely on their own as they are either single parents or their partner is working. So, perhaps some perspective is needed.

I won't have respect for anyone who thinks that a decent way to treat an au pair is to banish them to their room after they've done their work. Especially in this climate. She can hardly go out and do other things, can she? But, no, she should remain holed up in her bedroom every evening.

There's also the cultural element that other PPs have alluded to. Whereby au pairs work on a lower pay in return for improving their English skills and learning more about the culture, among other things (most of which are unavailable at present). I don't know about you, but if I moved to France (as an example), with an aim of improving my French, it would be a bit redundant me sitting in my bedroom alone every night. I could have done that from my home in the UK.

Treat other humans, as humans, not baby minding and cleaning machines who are to make themselves scare once baby bedtime comes. Au pairs are part of the family, and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone that no, they cannot use the communal family space in their downtime. If I want to sprawl out and cuddle my partner, I could always go somewhere, oh, I don't know... that the AP wouldn't go? Like, my bedroom?

But, of course, it's not okay for OP to be expected to go to her bedroom in the evenings. Only the lowly au pair must do that.

Bloody disgusting. Pay for a nanny and a cleaner/housekeeper if you want people to fuck off past 7pm. And pay them their appropriate rates, too. Absolutely fed up with people thinking that their needs are the only needs that matter. The poor girl is probably bored out of her mind and homesick. Does she even have a bedroom that's nice to be in? She could be in a tiny box room with barely room to swing a cat for all we know. Expecting someone to live out of such a small space is criminal.

Absolutely right. Exactly my thoughts. I feel so sorry for the au pair. Rotten treatment she's getting.

Also to the poster who said that she and her husband are introverted but had an au pair but "weren't really into the whole "part of the family" thing" ugh. The mind boggles. Just cruel.

The au pair thing needs either proper regulations and controls (ie the au pair has an organisation outside the family she can check in with) or just banning full stop. Way too open to abuse as seen in this post.

@LizFlowers

If you have paid staff who live in your house, you have to start as you mean to go on. I understand it is awkward having your au pair sit with you every evening but presumably you have more than one room, maybe a dining room with a sofa, that she could use as her living room. She could have a TV in there. However it will be difficult to change the pattern now that it has been established. The last thing you want to do is make her feel embarrassed or unwelcome so I honestly don't know how you can go about it.

I do not envy you one bit, could never have had another adult living in my house and would have preferred hiring someone who went home in the evening. That doesn't help you at the moment of course.

'Date nights' sound like a plan but not spontaneous.

When the au pair eventually leaves you, don't get another one, hire a daily help/childminder, it's much easier.

She's not 'paid staff', she's an au pair who is supposed to be treated as a member of the family and gets pocket money in return for helping out with children.

And this is a lockdown. I'm sure the poor girl doesn't want to spend every evening sitting with the OP and her husband but she's stuck inside, like we all are.

It's very unkind to expect someone to sit in their bedroom.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I’d be more concerned that your husband saw no issue and was happy. Is she attractive OP?

Ridiculous. How insecure do you have to be to think like this?!? Absolutely pathetic.

@pinkyredrose

Maybe she's after your DH, he seems quite happy with her around too.

And another one!! Why are people so paranoid!

Au Pairs are not forced to into jobs AFAIK. They know what they’re letting themselves in for. Most of them are from European countries with similar living and education standards to here. It’s hardly enforced slavery. They are getting free board and lodgings, a small wage and the opportunity to learn a new language/live in a different country in return for a few hours light childcare/household duties.

The OP’s AP (an educated adult) knew the world was experiencing a pandemic which would limit socialising and still chose to come.

I think honesty is the best policy. Just tell her you need space. She’s had a few months to settle in.