au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

Having your baby used to be held to sleep is the worst possible advice you can give. It's not taking "time out" of a leisurely day, it's your nights you are giving away for months! We were discussing different places baby might sleep of you're not putting them in their room alone at a few months old, arms were one of those. None of them have required holding to sleep because I didn't hold them every time I wanted them to sleep.

I wish we'd had an au pair for Christmas, she could have say anywhere she pleased if she'd helped with nappies and bottles 😅 although they're one now and a different sort of chaos has ensured.... Still enjoy the rare occasion they fall asleep on me

Those saying YABU may not have direct experience of having au pairs.

Yes they are a family member but they are like an older sibling, not another parent.

Establish some rules/date nights etc. You must make sure she has her own space to chill too - sofa/TV/Netflix etc.

As PP have said, right now she will be more lonely and isolated so on the nights she is in with you, it would be nice to share a glass of wine and chat with her sometimes.

YANBU to expect her to give you space a few nights a week.

oh OP this was never going to go well. Mumsnetters can't stand people who have au pairs!

Anyway, I have had 16 years of au pairs (last year was my last year) and it's perfectly reasonable and normal to say to your au pair that you need a little bit of alone time with your H some evenings and would she mind giving you that time from, say, 9pm. Most au pairs don't sit with you all night, just like my teenagers don't. And yes it's a pandemic, and she can't go out, but she can still contact her friends virtually and watch netflix every night like every one else has to.

fwiw I am still in touch with many of the au pairs who lived with us, and 2 are godparents to my children. I've never been considered a mean employer or an exploitative one.

I would have been mortified to spend every evening on a sofa with the parents! Squeezed together in a sofa! Bit odd...

Exactly! most au pairs have the same attitude (as do most teens in families).

" No you shouldn’t have to go to your roomhmm. It’s your house."

It's the au pair's home at the moment as well. Unless it was clearly stated when she first started that she didn't have use of the living room, she has as much right to use it as the parents.

No wonder families who employ au-pairs have such a bad reputation when you read this thread.

It's shocking what some posters consider as a "normal" way to treat someone and make sure they know their place just because you pay them a bit of pocket money!

I had au-pair, I had some rules and expectations like everybody else, but some of the comments are horrible.

How many times do people need to make the same "oh those classless mumsnetters hate nannies and au pairs, don't take notice" comments?

I don't think anyone really cares who hires who to help them with their day to day life. People have personal assistants, au pairs, nannies, housekeepers, cleaners, gardeners, etc. It's a fairly well known fact. Sure, some of us might like these things, but can't afford or justify them. Such is life.

However, the bigger issue surrounding au pairs, especially, is how uncomfortable the dynamic of power sits with me. Typically, a middle to upper class family hires a young female from outside of the UK (with a limited understanding of the language) for a pittance and as I've seen on plenty of these threads, treat them awfully; as if they're second class citizens. The au pair job is supposed to be mutually beneficial, however, more often than not, it seems like their only real task is to be a bargain basement nanny. Anything else seems to be too much of a hassle and a hindrance.

When you accept an au pair or lodger into your home, you should not be telling them that they cannot use the communal space in their down time. It's akin to grounding a teenager and sending them to their room. You can certainly mention that you want some free time on x evening in y location, but perhaps do so without the personal jibes and childish bitchiness on an online forum. Berating her for sitting too close to you on a sofa "night after night", when at the most, she has been at OP's house for 23 nights. It's been three measly weeks, at most. Can we consider how the au pair would feel if she came across this forum and worked out that this thread was about her? If it was me when I was in my early twenties, I'd be quite upset and want to go back home.

That's before we even think about the current lockdown restrictions that are in place. I am currently off on maternity leave with two under 2 and there is nothing open. My options are either sitting in, going out and getting drenched/slipping on ice, going to ASDA for a food shop, or going a short drive to a drive thru for food. None of these are exactly socialable activities.

I'm not saying that all families who hire au pairs are bad people. Some I'm sure are lovely and their relationship is mutually benefical, with the au pair leaving the job, feeling enriched. However, if you are going to hire someone, the onus is on you to do the research surrounding the role and expectations (on both sides), and to ensure that the agreement is one that works for both parties.

Sure, OP might just be asking for some advice. But, simply put, the relationship is a business one, and it is hurtful and unprofessional to talk about an employee in this manner online, especially as her work ethic is good and the only thing she is doing wrong is 'existing' outside of her paid hours.

We have an au pair... shes always in her room, like a teenager. Nobody is in the living room after 730pm tbh. All hiding in respective rooms on screens, netflix, chatting to friends etc.

[quote underneaththeash]@StepOutOfLine we've had 9 au pairs, all stayed longer than their original "contract", we keep in touch with them all too and the ones still in the UK visit.

Many of my friends also have/had au pairs and none of them ever sat with their au pairs in the evening. Obviously things are different at the moment as they can't go out with friends, but having time alone with your husband is normal.[/quote]
That's rather a lot of au pairs. I wonder how you managed to get through so many?

Au pairs generally only come for a year before University or moving onto vocational training. Children need to be supervised until they are at least 12 or 13. Let’s do the maths...

@Babymamaroon

Those saying YABU may not have direct experience of having au pairs.

Yes they are a family member but they are like an older sibling, not another parent.

Establish some rules/date nights etc. You must make sure she has her own space to chill too - sofa/TV/Netflix etc.

As PP have said, right now she will be more lonely and isolated so on the nights she is in with you, it would be nice to share a glass of wine and chat with her sometimes.

YANBU to expect her to give you space a few nights a week.

If you read the thread most people saying she's U have both been, and had au-pairs themselves.

Depending where you 'bought her over' from after Christmas she hasn't had time to establish any new contacts or community and is possibly pretty lonely.

Do you have much space? All sitting on on sofa sounds a bit odd? Do you only have one? could she have her own sitting room or area where she could claim some space. Make it hers? Depending on her culture to go off to her bedroom may not be something she is used to.

There are at least three of us who have been au pairs saying OP is not BU (and the au pair’s attitude is unusual based on our own and our friends’ experiences). I don’t have time to count whether that is the majority of the ex au-pair opinions but it is a sizeable proportion of the sample. I’m not sure that your analysis of the anecdata would stand up if you actually counted @StepOutOfLine.

@CheetasOnFajitas

There are at least three of us who have been au pairs saying OP is not BU (and the au pair’s attitude is unusual based on our own and our friends’ experiences). I don’t have time to count whether that is the majority of the ex au-pair opinions but it is a sizeable proportion of the sample. I’m not sure that your analysis of the anecdata would stand up if you actually counted *@StepOutOfLine*.

Perhaps the au-pair's behaviour is unusual because there's a pandemic, and therefore she can't go out, meet others, have the language lessons the employer has provided for her etc. As I said, it really depends on her contract with the family and if she's on a working contract or one of those informal ones that are also common. It will certainly be an irritant if the family decide to get rid and she has a bone fide working one, what with the contributions and everything which will only just have been set up.

I was an au-pair before, no way I hung out with the family every night. Lockdown or not. We also had an au-pair, even thoughj we lived in a boring place with nothing to do, she didn't sit with us every night. She was a lot more social person than me but still spent most nights in her room watching tv, skypeing friends etc.

Whoops

As pp pointed out, she is too young or in the wrong role for twin three month olds.

No one hates women who have au pairs on here please grow up. Sometimes their attitude is disliked with respect to them or their nannies, an enormous difference there.

I have an au pair. Where we live is her house too. I wouldn't dream of asking her to stay in her room at night. What do you expect her to do?

Also a sensible au pair for twin 3 month olds is fine.

The op has never said she expects her au pair to stay in her bedroom every night, she has merely said she and her husband would like some time in the living room without her but doesn't know how to achieve that.

I think the lesson here is to start as you mean to go on. "I hope you will sit and chat with us sometimes", and, "Please use this as your own sitting room, we respect your need to have privacy". It's difficult now because a pattern has been established.

@roses2

I have an au pair. Where we live is her house too. I wouldn't dream of asking her to stay in her room at night. What do you expect her to do?

Also a sensible au pair for twin 3 month olds is fine.

No it's not fine, an au pair should not have any sole charge of children under the age of two.

Get your fella to sit on the sofa in his underwear picking his nose.

@roses2

I have an au pair. Where we live is her house too. I wouldn't dream of asking her to stay in her room at night. What do you expect her to do?

Also a sensible au pair for twin 3 month olds is fine.

Is it bollocks

We have late teen/adult DC and they rarely want to watch what DH and I are watching or sit with us while we’re cuddling on the sofa grin. We occasionally watch a big new movie that’s just come out together, with popcorn, nice drinks 🥤and the sofas rearranged in front of the TV but there’s no way they’d sit in the lounge with us all evening.

Where do they go then? Dissipate in a puff of smoke or sit in their rooms? Mine would previously have been happy in rooms and leaving me with the remote and lounge room to myself (with DH in it as well but no way in normal times did he get to interfere with my commandeering the entire lounge chaise style). Now, I have 3 who are in their bedrooms 8-10hrs a day for work or uni (longer hrs for ones who work). The last thing they want after spending all day in their room in front of a screen is to then spend all night in the same room. They’d rather take the unfortunate situation of joining their parents in the living room. It also beats the only other option of sitting at the dining table staring at each other and listening to the tv as we have an open plan set up. Not surprisingly the only one who is keen to give us all a wide berth and spend time in their room is the teen who goes to school and is not trapped in their room all day.

I just don’t understand how people think teens/adults/au pairs can act as would have been normal in these current times? No way in hell would I force mine to literally spend 21/22hrs per day in their room just so I didn’t have to share the sofa and get my usual me time of an evening!

I don’t hate anyone with an au pair, definitely wouldn’t be for me but each to their own. The only thing I really can’t stand about this post is the OPs wordingjust after Christmas we brought our first ever ai pair over”

She sounds more like some kind of rescued street dog rather than a human.

Sorry posted too soon..

OP words “just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over” *

I’m sure lockdown is making it harder but either suck up the fact she’s sitting with you in an evening as she’s probably lonely. Or alternatively see how much alone time you and your husband have without her🤷🏼‍♀️