au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

Honestly why did you hire her?

You must be on maternity leave? And you and your DH are both at home every night. Maybe let her go and get a nanny when the kids are older?

I don't understand, surely if you have live in staff you ensure you have plenty of living space? So another seated area downstairs at least.

It does sound weird that the 3 of you would be squashed on one settee on an evening.

If you haven't the room to accommodate you all comfortably in leisure time I would do what most parents do and look after the dc yourselves maybe just pay for a cleaner if you need assistance?

@CoronaIsShit

Au Pairs are not forced to into jobs AFAIK. They know what they’re letting themselves in for. Most of them are from European countries with similar living and education standards to here. It’s hardly enforced slavery. They are getting free board and lodgings, a small wage and the opportunity to learn a new language/live in a different country in return for a few hours light childcare/household duties.

The OP’s AP (an educated adult) knew the world was experiencing a pandemic which would limit socialising and still chose to come.

I think honesty is the best policy. Just tell her you need space. She’s had a few months to settle in.

Not the experience my friend had by a long shot.

Exploitative. Demanding. Not paid.

Could you make it about coronavirus and also make it a kindness to her? Say that now the vaccine is coming and lockdown restrictions are likely to be lifted you want her to have some private space to socialize with friends in future, so you're getting a sofa and coffee table (or blanket box that can double up) for her room. Change rooms with her if hers isn't big enough. Then it doesn't look so much like you're pushing her out.

I haven’t read all the responses but I was an au pair in France when I was 19. I had my own room with en-suite. I fed the kids and hung out in my room while the parents put them to bed, then I ate with the parents and buggered off back to my room straight afterwards. I could have gone out on the town I suppose but didn’t do that all that often as we lived in quite a quiet suburb. Dinner was plenty of time for adult company, I would never have dreamed of hanging around a moment longer. I had friends in other families who had similar routines, we all saw the families as our bosses (even though they were very kind) and we were young enough that sitting in our rooms felt natural. And that was in the days before mobile phones gave us a whole world of entertainment in our pockets!

I’m really surprised to hear that she is voluntarily hanging out with you every evening. Definitely YANBU asking her to give you some space. Do you have to agree with her what TV programme to watch?

How good is her English? Is it possible that she has misunderstood and thinks that she has to do this?

Say that now the vaccine is coming and lockdown restrictions are likely to be lifted except that could still be months away, certainly to the level where she feels comfortable exploring a new city. What will op do with her aching mom bod after all the curls, lunges and crunches?

One night a week on your own would seem reasonable I think. As to how to talk to her, perhaps both of you together would be better. Think of a reason other than intimacy to make it seem a more reasonable request.

It's a bit of a fuss over nothing, isn't it? When you have guests in your home, things can be awkward sometimes. Especially if they're a total stranger. Surely anyone hiring an au pair would have known that?

Either try to tell her you want a "date night" in your living room every now and then, or just stay in your bedroom with your husband sometimes. Whichever you feel more comfortable doing. No big deal.

"brought her over" is an interesting phrase.

Teenagers in lockdown are spending all their time in the house so some will be hanging out in their rooms and others watching tv with their parents. It's not ideal for anyone but it's how it is.
Your au pair can't go anywhere, doesn't know anyone so you have to treat them as part of your family. Go to your own bedroom if you want private time.
I feel sorry for the au pair.

@CostaDelCovid

Why is feeding & caring for your twins causing you to do Squats?! I genuinely don't get it

It's a joke.

Constantly picking up mad putting down two babies...

if I moved to France (as an example), with an aim of improving my French, it would be a bit redundant me sitting in my bedroom alone every night.

I did exactly that. I spoke French with the children during my work, with the parents in the morning and the evening over dinner, I listened to French radio and TV and used it out and about in the city doing my shopping, tourist stuff etc. I also had French classes 3 times a week.

By the end of dinner time I had had plenty of French for one day, believe me. I went on to do a degree and am still fluent.

@LizFlowers

If you have paid staff who live in your house, you have to start as you mean to go on. I understand it is awkward having your au pair sit with you every evening but presumably you have more than one room, maybe a dining room with a sofa, that she could use as her living room. She could have a TV in there. However it will be difficult to change the pattern now that it has been established. The last thing you want to do is make her feel embarrassed or unwelcome so I honestly don't know how you can go about it.

I do not envy you one bit, could never have had another adult living in my house and would have preferred hiring someone who went home in the evening. That doesn't help you at the moment of course.

'Date nights' sound like a plan but not spontaneous.

When the au pair eventually leaves you, don't get another one, hire a daily help/childminder, it's much easier.

Staff???

@Imaginetoday

Or .... Start making out with your husband on Friday nights sufficiently to embarrass her....then apologies and say whoops Friday night is date night. She might take the hint? 🤣😳🤣

Don't do this. Stupid suggestion.

Clymene: It's very unkind to expect someone to sit in their bedroom.
...
I don't believe the op has suggested that.

I was an au pair years ago and definitely didn't hang out with my employers every night - but we weren't in lockdown!

Several friends have had au pairs more recently and most had pretty good social lives, except for one whom my friend found rather exhausting as she was clingy and viewed her as a second Mum. That was hard as she didn't give them much space either.

I think you need to accept that during lockdown in the middle of winter, this is the way it's going to be. Once things improve and she can actually socialize, she'll probably connect with other au pairs in the area and be out and about. That's how it was with most of my friends' au pairs, they had each others' contact info. through the agency so had a ready-made group of friends.

I had au pairs for years. They all spent most evenings in their bedroom watching TV or chatting to friends. Obviously they also used to go out a lot which they can't do now, but it seems a bit strange that she doesn't want to spend any time on her own.

Can you and Dh go to your bedroom and have some time together?

Oh dear. You have had a bashing @Wolf142

Ah pairs are usually for school age children and should never be left alone under 3 possible under 2

and they learn English /do lessons 9-3 - not usually
Daytime care

Def not newborns

If she there to help you daytime ?

Maybe a maternity nurse or night nanny wouid be better

As long as she isn’t left on own with twins I don’t see the problem with extra pair of hands but did your not discuss this at interview /have a hand book

She would usually to be out with friends but obv nowhere she can go

Does she have a nice bedroom with sofa /tv

Maybe suggest she has evenings with you every other night

I would say to her that you don’t expect her to sit with you every night, just in case she thinks she has to. If she says it’s fine, then you’ll have to retreat to your bedroom.

You sound delightful OP!

If you don't like sharing your home maybe get off your arse and look after your own babies?

^and they learn English /do lessons 9-3 - not usually
Daytime care^

That must be a special program, because all of the au pairs I've known, including myself, provided childcare during the day. How would they be of help to working parents otherwise? Some definitely had time off when the children were at school, but during holidays they were looking after them.

DH seems completely happy with the arrangement

I wonder if this isn't actually the larger problem. Maybe it stings if he's apparently not as bothered by the lack of cuddling on the sofa. If that's the case, I'd tell him how you're feeling and that you want to spend more time alone.

If the babies are sleeping in your bedroom, maybe it's not ideal to spend the evening watching TV in there... Or maybe you're worried about seeming rude by leaving the au pair alone when you're obviously watching TV in the bedroom. Because otherwise, that's the obvious choice, to once a week or so say that you're both tired and are retiring early, then have some alone-time in your own room.

Even if you can't watch TV in your room for some reason, surely there's nothing stopping you from retiring early and spending some time relaxing alone without the TV as entertainment. It may not be ideal, but you won't always have an au pair during a lockdown. The situation is not permanent.

Poor girl (assuming it’s a girl).

Where is she supposed to “go”? No one’s going anywhere right now 😐