au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

The current advice might be to keep them in your room at night until 6 months, it doesn't mean they have to be with you at all time! The advice is that they should sleep in the same room as you so if they are asleep at 6 then they sleep in the living room with you until you go up to bed with them. It doesn't say they must be within hand teach every second of every hour.

And ours didn't nap in their cots until last that age, they had bouncer chairs, baby mats, arms that they slept in before that

if they are asleep at 6 then they sleep in the living room with you

what is the point of baby monitor? I don't know of any family having a cot in the living room, and a cot in the bedroom

Babies shouldn't sleep in a bouncer chair or on the floor! If you are happy to martyr yourself by keeping them in your arms when they sleep, it's your life, but it's really not normal or recommended. When on earth do you get anything done!

Most ridiculous things I've heard on here for awhile

Am i just not suited to having an au pair?
I think you perhaps are not. Congrats on your new twins!

Nothing better than a baby asleep in your arms, so glad I did this with mine! Happy memories

@Edgeoftheledge

Nothing better than a baby asleep in your arms, so glad I did this with mine! Happy memories

good for you, but some of us had other children to look after and other things to do than holding a sleeping babies for hours

It never hurts for a child to learn to settle and sleep peacefully in their own bed so they don't expect to be held during the night too! They get more of your attention when they are awake and you haven't got everything else to do then. Works too 🤷

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

We all do whats best for our own families. I have 4 dcs actually and most other things can wait while baby sleeps. You do you.

I see OP hasn't returned. Shocker.

Err you know that she's being taken advantage of because.... oh that's right. You don't! This is Mumsnet and you think it's ok to judge someone and make ridiculous assumptions because they dare to have an aupair (you obviously don't) so let's assume a lovely sounding exhausted mum of newborn twins is actually a perpetrator of modern slavery.

I mean, I did have au pairs for a number of years. That's why I know the guidelines - au pairs aren't the same as nannies. They aren't childcare professionals - they are young people who come over to the UK in order to learn the language and experience the culture and are able to offer some assistance with childcare in exchange for accommodation + food + pocket money.

They are meant to be there to help out in a situation where working parents need someone to pick up the kids after school and look after them for a few hours, plus some light housework. They are explicitly never meant to have sole charge of a child under two.

www.aupairsbypebbles.com/ufaqs/can-an-au-pair-look-after-my-baby-or-under-2

@Remxhah126
Good post.

@Edgeoftheledge

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

We all do whats best for our own families. I have 4 dcs actually and most other things can wait while baby sleeps. You do you.

I still disagree. If I wait until my baby wakes up, I have to do everything instead of spending time with them. And I really need to sleep at night and not holding them to make them sleep. Fine if others prefer it, really doesn't work for me

what is the point of baby monitor? I don't know of any family having a cot in the living room didn't use a monitor until they were old enough to sleep alone, aka past 6 months. I don't know of anyone who put their kids to sleep alone at a few months old.

Babies shouldn't sleep in a bouncer chair or on the floor! They're done napping as long as they're warm, safe and in the right position. A baby chair position is no different to them napping in a car seat, so fine for short naps.

happy to martyr yourself by keeping them in your arms when they sleep strangely I don't think sleepy cuddles is martyring myself. If you feel like holding your baby makes you a martyr, that's fine. I think it's kind of sad toys consider it that but takes all sorts and all that

[quote Remxhah126]Err you know that she's being taken advantage of because.... oh that's right. You don't! This is Mumsnet and you think it's ok to judge someone and make ridiculous assumptions because they dare to have an aupair (you obviously don't) so let's assume a lovely sounding exhausted mum of newborn twins is actually a perpetrator of modern slavery.

I mean, I did have au pairs for a number of years. That's why I know the guidelines - au pairs aren't the same as nannies. They aren't childcare professionals - they are young people who come over to the UK in order to learn the language and experience the culture and are able to offer some assistance with childcare in exchange for accommodation + food + pocket money.

They are meant to be there to help out in a situation where working parents need someone to pick up the kids after school and look after them for a few hours, plus some light housework. They are explicitly never meant to have sole charge of a child under two.

www.aupairsbypebbles.com/ufaqs/can-an-au-pair-look-after-my-baby-or-under-2[/quote]
Thanks. I know exactly what the role of an aupair encompasses.

What amazes me is that you seem to be psychic because you know this aupair has sole care of the twins and is working extra hours.

Or on the other hand you just made that up.

some of us had other children to look after and other things to do than holding a sleeping babies for hours no one said hours, but they're tiny for such a short time, why wouldn't you take time out to just let them be held. And I had twins. Plus an older one. The older one knows he has to share me with the babies. The babies just like being cuddled. No one martyred. No house going to rack and ruin. No awake babies ignored all I can tidy the house. As pp said, you do you.

I know exactly what you mean, OP, plus I think it's weird that some posters are coming on to the Au Pair board to knock you for having an au pair at all

I also think either asking her to give you one night a week "movie date night" or retiring to your own room early one night a week is the best way to go.

We once had an au pair and had this exact same situation and I was too chicken to do anything about it tbh. Nothing terrible happened and it was a short term thing (9 months, we hadn't been looking for an au pair but she was a friend of a friend and wanted to learn English) but I wouldn't have an au pair again for this exact reason - and bc I know I'd most likely be too chicken to say anything again.

I actually think Covid gives you kind of an excuse "we'd go out but we can't so..."

Nope, people lay into anyone on here who dares to employ a nanny too. It's just a spiteful jealous MN mindset and this isn't even AIBU

Haha - and you have decided on equal lack of evidence that the OP, whose own post demonstrates a lack of familiarity with the difference between an au pair and a nanny, is "lovely".

Most of the posts I see criiticising employers of nannies are criticising bad employer practice which is hardly uncommon where the employee is working inside the employer's home and largely dependent on them.

And yes, I've had au pairs and nannies (as well as having been an au pair way back when).

The OP won't be coming back.

@KaptainKaveman

The OP won't be coming back.

Oh, I think she's been back several times

Most of the PP appear to need reminding that OP is a new mum of 3mth old twins, have some compassion. Ffs.

Anytime someone mentions an au pair the reverse snobs get their claws out.

OP, it's totally normal to want some alone time with you and your DH. It's also lockdown and you have a complete stranger living with you 24/7 as well as dealing with newborn twins. Quite frankly you deserve a medal for keeping it all together.

If the au pair is on the sofa with you, invest in an armchair and tell her you've bought it for her as you like to stretch out with DH in the evening and it'll give her some of her own space too. As an au pair is like part of the family you should feel happy to stretch out in front of her and equally happy to ask for the lounge to yourselves for date night once a week. It would also be nice to ask her if there is anything she needs to feel more comfortable.

If that doesn't work then maybe you're right and an au pair isn't for you but at least you'll have tried and given it a chance. Good luck!

Need to be reminded she's a new mum?
She made that pretty clear going on about how exhausted she was tbf.
I believe her children are almost 4 months old and she has live in help too.

@StepOutOfLine

Need to be reminded she's a new mum? She made that pretty clear going on about how exhausted she was tbf. I believe her children are almost 4 months old and she has live in help too.

WOW!

she's got 4 month old twins but she's not allowed to be exhausted. What the hell is wrong with people on here tonight??

@SleepingStandingUp

some of us had other children to look after and other things to do than holding a sleeping babies for hours no one said hours, but they're tiny for such a short time, why wouldn't you take time out to just let them be held. And I had twins. Plus an older one. The older one knows he has to share me with the babies. The babies just like being cuddled. No one martyred. No house going to rack and ruin. No awake babies ignored all I can tidy the house. As pp said, you do you.

Having your baby used to be held to sleep is the worst possible advice you can give. It's not taking "time out" of a leisurely day, it's your nights you are giving away for months! It's incredibly unpractical to held your babies when you have the school run to do when they nap.

And I had 4 children too. No twins though. I happily employed au-pairs. I didn't treat them like servants, and it wouldn't even have occurred to me to tell them to go to their bedroom if I wanted space! It's incredibly rude and nasty frankly. I expected them not to follow me in my own bedroom, and none of them ever did

You can be exhausted, but no need to take it on the teen or young adult who comes to help you out. It's not that easy to find someone you'd be happy and comfortable to help with your babies, if their only fault is to watch tv in the evening, au-pair are not the solution for you.

I was an au-pair, just turned 18, in the US from Europe, got on well with the parents but would not have wanted to spend my evenings with them. I had a TV in my room, could watch what I wanted, write my diary and letters home, etc.

I would have been mortified to spend every evening on a sofa with the parents! Squeezed together in a sofa! Bit odd...

If you have provided her with her own living room area I think she’s being a bit unreasonable, but if you haven’t, then I think it is for you & DH to go to your bedroom for private time, given its winter & lockdown especially.

Tbh one reason I wouldn’t get an au pair is because I’m not happy to share my home. So I use a nursery.

As a young professional, I once rented a room in a house from a colleague/friend. She basically asked me to make myself scarce when her boyfriend came over for dinner. I pretty quickly found somewhere else to live. Somewhere I could actually relax in my own home