Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

au pair in the living room every night

299 replies

Wolf142 · 17/01/2021 11:19

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
DfEisashambles · 17/01/2021 16:42

However in this case I am on the side of the OP - au pair should know to go to her room say after 8/9 and give them some privacy.

SunshineCake · 17/01/2021 16:45

@Imaginetoday

Sunshine cake: it was a Joke. Hence the laughing and embarrassed look. No one else had made the joke yet and I thought...ah well.... Pardon me,
Sadly you weren't the first to say it. Made me think you were both serious.
movingonup20 · 17/01/2021 16:53

What have you provided as far as amenities in her room? An armchair, a tv with Netflix? A mini fridge with snacks? A kettle? These are what my friends have in the substantial en-suite room for their au pair, plus she's insured to drive the car. It was my understanding au pair's couldn't be left with under 2's is she an au pair or proper live in nanny, if the later yanbu but an au pair is meant to be treated as one of the family but providing better options in her room helps

movingonup20 · 17/01/2021 16:55

What is concerning me is where the babies are? They aren't meant to be left alone before 6 months!

littlefireseverywhere · 17/01/2021 17:00

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, there isn't anywhere else for her to go. Can you can DH go into your bedroom for some privacy? Buy a TV for her room and yours? Then you'll all have a bit of space naturally?

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 17:00

I'm not sure what makes this less believable. The bicep curling her twins or her sitting and relaxing on the sofa with DH and three month old TWINS

KarmaNoMore · 17/01/2021 17:04

What is concerning me is where the babies are? They aren't meant to be left alone before 6 months!

What nonsense! It is perfectly ok if you want to do attachment parenting and never have your children out of view.

It is also perfectly ok to let your baby sleep in a cot away from the noise of the TV.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 17:05

@KarmaNoMore

What is concerning me is where the babies are? They aren't meant to be left alone before 6 months!

What nonsense! It is perfectly ok if you want to do attachment parenting and never have your children out of view.

It is also perfectly ok to let your baby sleep in a cot away from the noise of the TV.

Sids advice is babies shouldn't sleep alone until 6 months. Nothing to do with attachment parenting
KarmaNoMore · 17/01/2021 17:10

Yet most of them do. Did you ever had dinner with your husband downstairs when the baby was upstairs in the cot, did you read stories to your other kid while baby was sleeping or you kept them on your lap all the evening?

SIDS can sadly happen even if you have your baby sleeping on your bed. Not leaving them to sleep alone doesn’t equate to stay sitting next to them 24/7 until they are six months.

KarmaNoMore · 17/01/2021 17:11

Jesus! I can believe you have decided to berate the OP for watching TV with her husband an au pair in the evening!

KarmaNoMore · 17/01/2021 17:12

Can’t believe, meant to say. Nothing wrong with watching TV in the living room after dinner when the babies are asleep. It is not as if she left them at home and went clubbing!

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 17:13

Yet most of them do. Did you ever had dinner with your husband downstairs when the baby was upstairs in the cot no because they slept downstairs and went up to bed with us until 6 months

did you read stories to your other kid while baby was sleeping or you kept them on your lap all the evening? No, two parents in this house

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2021 17:14

@KarmaNoMore

Jesus! I can believe you have decided to berate the OP for watching TV with her husband an au pair in the evening!
Who's berating the op for watching telly? Literally no one.
AngelDelightUK · 17/01/2021 17:16

You could always say something like “don’t feel you have to spend every evening with us in the lounge, if there’s something you’d rather watch/being doing in your room”. She might think she’s being polite but would love some time on her own

monkeymonkey2010 · 17/01/2021 17:24

randomer
^ "brought her over" is an interesting phrase^

I agree....to me it has reverberations of the attitude re domestic servants who are 'brought over' to serve ...like the people in the Philipines ....

randomer · 17/01/2021 17:26

How horrible

cripez · 17/01/2021 17:27

Another one wondering why you 'brought her over'. You're on maternity leave I presume? You have a home large enough to house you, kids and au pair.

So hire a nanny if you don't want to look after your kids 24/7. You can probably afford it.

JustAddCoffee91 · 17/01/2021 17:29

I had a lodger for 8 months leading upto Christmas... he got kicked out last week, he was causing bickering between me and OH because we couldn't even watch a film downstairs without him tutting and moaning...watching anything upstairs is a no go of an evening as my boys are light sleepers and a fly farting from 6 miles away will wake them up
Probably not helpful but it's soo difficult so I understand what your dealing with
I would probably have a word, even if you and your husband have 2-3 evenings to yourselves and the rest spent together

cripez · 17/01/2021 17:30

You have three month old twins. Everyone I know with twins just went up to bed with them every night until they were at least six months old.

It's bloody hard, nobody is saying it isn't, but you've already outsourced a chunk of their care and your domestic load, so you have to suck it up.

Unless, like I said before, you want to actually pay someone what they're worth and hire a nanny.

monkeymonkey2010 · 17/01/2021 17:35

OP.....i do sympathise with your situation though.
Perhaps you could ask her?
You 'brought her' into your home and it's your responsibility to ensure you all get your privacy and personal space and boundaries are respected.

SpaceRaiders · 17/01/2021 17:50

Sounds like they don’t really have the space for ' the help'

My thoughts exactly. Having an au pair in a 6 bed detached house is very different than having one in a 3 bed semi.

Remxhah126 · 17/01/2021 17:58

You absolutely shouldn't be asking an au pair to look after 3 month old twins. That isn't an appropriate au pair role at all. I also suspect she's being asked to work far more than the 20-25 hours per week she's meant to do.

And how on earth is she getting the au pair experience in lockdown? She won't be able to go out to language classes or to meet friends or sight see. It's meant to be a cultural exchange program - what is this girl getting out of it?

You should be hiring a nanny.

Edgeoftheledge · 17/01/2021 18:02

Your au-pair should in theory be treated like your teenager. You wouldn't send them to their room to have peace and quiet.

Of course you can.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 17/01/2021 18:12

@movingonup20

What is concerning me is where the babies are? They aren't meant to be left alone before 6 months!
Confused The current advice might be to keep them in your room at night until 6 months, it doesn't mean they have to be with you at all time!

Did you genuinely kept your babies with you for every minute of the day even when you went in the shower/loo/garden and never put them in their own bedroom until 6 months? None of my kid would have fitted in their moses basket at 6 months, was I meant to stay near their cot every time they had a nap?

MrsWonderland · 17/01/2021 18:16

@Remxhah126

You absolutely shouldn't be asking an au pair to look after 3 month old twins. That isn't an appropriate au pair role at all. I also suspect she's being asked to work far more than the 20-25 hours per week she's meant to do.

And how on earth is she getting the au pair experience in lockdown? She won't be able to go out to language classes or to meet friends or sight see. It's meant to be a cultural exchange program - what is this girl getting out of it?

You should be hiring a nanny.

Err you know that she's being taken advantage of because.... oh that's right. You don't! This is Mumsnet and you think it's ok to judge someone and make ridiculous assumptions because they dare to have an aupair (you obviously don't) so let's assume a lovely sounding exhausted mum of newborn twins is actually a perpetrator of modern slavery. Mental, if you met a mum at school pickup who asked your thoughts on this would this be your response? No, of course not. Easy to hide behind an anonymous pseudonym isn't it.