au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

I think Au Pairs have a really rough time at the moment as the majority of the families they are with are asking them to stay indoors and to not socialise with anyone.

She must be bored shitless to be honest, and clearly isn't comfortable spending evenings alone in her room.

OP I think that your issue is that you didn't make clear your expectations in the ad/up front so it makes it a little more difficult now. When we look for au pairs we make it clear that we don't want someone who will need to sit on the sofa with us every evening and that we need time alone as a couple in the evenings after dinner - we are very straight about this in the ad and at interviews because otherwise you are sacrificing your relationship for an au pair. We have an armchair and TV in the au pairs room and generally I think they have been very happy to be able to get away fro us all!
Anyway you now have a good au pair but are in a lockdown so I suspect that you are going to need to be somewhat flexible. I think that you just need to sit down and have a chat about how you are feeling and what you need and see what she says - we have always found that having reallly straight and open conversations with our au pairs about any issues they or we have is the best way to sort things out fast and to make sure everyone says happy. It may be she has felt obliged to sit with you both and would much perfer to get away from you etc. or it may be that this is what she really wants/needs in which case you will need to see if you can find a compromise solution. What you cannot do is put your life on hold/completely change it for every au pair you have - next time you look for an au pair do think about setting it all out (I have a section in the write up about us entitled "Things you might not like about living with us" so that they can make up their minds whether we are the family for them or not).

I didn't think au pairs were allowed to care for children that young?
I think the strategy least likely upset her would be to discuss that you and DH would like to have a date night every Wednesday or whatever.
But I'm not sure an au pair is right for your family situation, they're still pretty much kids themselves. And being abroad during a pandemic, lockdown etc away from family, that must be scary.

if you and your husband want to go for some intimate time, then go to your room. Don’t send her to hers. It’s not ok behaviour.

This. I understand it's tough to be together all the time but that's lockdown for you.

Where are the babies during the evening? Are they with you, or in the bedroom?

I didn't think au pairs were allowed to care for children that young?

They aren't - is two years and up but usually ignored

Yes YABU

even if the au-pair has the biggest bedroom of the house, it's on you to go to your own bedroom if you want your own space. Why don't you go and watch tv with your husband on your bed?
I hate tv in bedrooms, but if you haven't got a separate tv room, you don't have much choice.

How is her English, is she completely fluent? You could try to find activities she could do to keep her busy and out of your hair - virtual classes or other.

Your au-pair should in theory be treated like your teenager. You wouldn't send them to their room to have peace and quiet.

Au pairs are just skivvies for people who don’t want to pay for proper nanny aren’t they?

They aren't - is two years and up but usually ignored

as long as the au-pair is helping the mother in the house and not left in charge of twins for 12 hours a day it's absolutely fine.

@Dippysauceus

I didn't think au pairs were allowed to care for children that young?

They aren't - is two years and up but usually ignored

That’s a guideline rather than any kind of rule/law, and presumably this au pair is helping out with parents in the house.

@Biscoffaddict

Au pairs are just skivvies for people who don’t want to pay for proper nanny aren’t they?

for some families, yes they are, fortunately not for all.

This is going to depend a lot on how you were bought up.

I was bought up that it was very rude to be in your room rather than with other people, so the idea of sitting in your room for space/reading/etc is alien to me. For others, the idea of spending every evening in the living room will be just as weird.

I don’t think there’s a way to ask her to spend less time with you without it coming across like that... so I’d take the tack of you and your husband going to have quiet time elsewhere rather than sending her off.

We once had an au pair whose previous family had kept her out of the living room, snd who half ignored her at dinner. Poor girl. I think you perhaps need a nanny instead.

She's in a foreign country, she can't go out and socialise and she's unlikely to be able to get home to see her family depending on the quarantine laws when she gets there and if she does she probably won't be able to come back. She's probably lonely, unable to do whatever studying she wants to do and is in need of company.

Have some empathy for her OP, what would you want to happen if it was your daughter?

Sounds like you need a nanny rather than an au pair. I wouldn't use an au pair for 3 month old babies anyway.

Do you only have one sofa? Are you all sitting in a row?

Anyway, it's up to you to vacate the room, not ask her to.

I thought au pairs were for older kids not babies? But maybe you have older DC that you've not mentioned? Anyway, it sounds like the wrong option for you. Au pairs share your home and it's lockdown so of course she's in the living room with you every night. If your issues are because of giving birth so recently, a maternity nanny who has her own home makes way more sense.

@Totallydefeated

Ooh tricky! You don’t want to make her feel unwelcome, and she needs adult company too.

What about asking her to leave you to it in the sitting room one night a week as a sort of date night for you and DH? Present it not as you wanting to get rid of her, but instead as you and DH keeping the romance going, and as you can’t go out in the evenings at the moment, this would be the next best thing.

Date night a good idea.

And other than this you and DP could also vacate the sitting room one night a week so she can lie on the sofa and zoom her mates (I presume she doesn’t have a sofa in her room) - only for lockdown obvs, but it gives everyone 2 nights off.

Like others have said, maybe she thinks it would be rude to stay in her room. I might feel like this if I was staying in someone's house.

Maybe if you and your husband start spending a couple nights in the bedroom she will see it's ok to stay in hers, and you will get more space.

Maybe you should stop doing PE with Joe whilst you're doing the night feeds

You need a nanny. Au pairs arent meant to be in sole charge of children under 12 months, so you cant even go out a walk and leave the babies at home with her. What are you using her for?

She is meant to be part if the family, and treated as such. You cant use her to look after 3 months old twins (which you shouldnt be doing) and then expect her to sit upstairs alone once the kids are asleep so you no longer need her help. You can always chat to her about having one or 2 nights a weeks where she goes upstairs, or you could also go upstairs one night a week as well.

How old is your au pair op?

Generally it’s very young women, away from home for the first time, being used as cheap Labour, in return for food and board, and they are not permitted to look after kids this young.

What exactly have you got her doing for you?

I do agree on part that is they're a sofa and chair and you and DH are at in the sofa then it's a bit odd she's coming to sit next to you both on the sofa rather than sitting in the chair.

If she's at on the chair why can't you stretch out in the sofa and put your head on DHs lap? Why can't you sit with you arm around other?

I mean it might work like it does in teenagers, and scare her off to her room.

Basically she's come from abroad, has no friends, can't go anywhere and you're getting moody because she's not locked in the attic by 6 pm.

Surely at 3 months the babies are downstairs with your anyway so it's not like you're going to be doing much but watching telly and feeding them every few hours anyway

Must be totes awks if your doing reverse cowgirl with the husband and she’s watching the telly, eating a Curly Wurly

An au pair is supposed to be like an extra family member. If she was your older daughter would you ask her to sit in her room in the evening? If you ask her to do this she'll spend the rest of her short time with you thinking she's in the way. If you want space go to your room.