au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

They aren't - is two years and up but usually ignored

as long as the au-pair is helping the mother in the house and not left in charge of twins for 12 hours a day it's absolutely fine.

This.

The OP is home with her kids - she has twins and she has an au pair is there to help out.

Rarely do I agree when people say MN is full of twats, but they are out in force today. Stop bashing women over perfectly reasonable childcare arrangements.

And also to note living with your own Teenager, is very different from living with a young adult with whom you have no familial background or ties, so you have to be prepared for the challenges of that.

In a Covid Lockdown situation, I can imagine that this would be quite difficult and over a long period of time, so I guess it is good that you have quickly picked this up and are actively looking for a way to find a workable solution.

I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. - but you don't, do you? You wouldn't expect a member of the family to go elsewhere, would you? Especially not if they had no local friends, or possibly no transport. Perhaps once she has settled in, made friends etc, (and the current restrictions are over), she will want to go out on her own. Meanwhile, you made the choice to invite her into your home, now you have to live with it! Just to note - if I want space, I go to my own room. You could do the same.

@CostaDelCovid

Why is feeding & caring for your twins causing you to do Squats?! I genuinely don't get it

Or lunges. How mobile are they? I do lunges now because one distracts me and the other one climbs up something then I have to lunge to stop them falling on their heads.

It's too late now for change. She'll have to go. She's quite cheeky though I think. But you've left it too long to say anything. She must have very thick skin.

[quote underneaththeash]@Candyfloss99

Are you married? Do you sit watching TV with your teenage children every single night of the week and never have time with your husband. I cannot believe that you do.[/quote]
If I wanted time with my husband instead of my DH then we'd go to our bedroom, I wouldn't dream of turfing the teenagers out of the lounge. It's hard enough to get them to spend time in the lounge as it is without sending them away.

She's been there for three weeks at the most.

The poor girl probably arrived in Tier 4, and now there's a full lockdown. I'm guessing she doesn't really know what to do with herself when it's 'relax' time.

I was an au pair and every evening I would go to my room. I didn't have a tv in there but as I was abroad there wasn't anything to watch anyway. Only once did the mother have to ask me to leave as they were about to have a row.

I think you need to ask your dh if he would like the odd evening just with you. If he says he isn't bothered then I'd take myself off to my room and leave them to it.

Au pairs are part of the family when they are young and away from home, and clearly she can't go out as much, but she should have the maturity to know that a married couple need evening time alone.

@Viviennemary

It's too late now for change. She'll have to go. She's quite cheeky though I think. But you've left it too long to say anything. She must have very thick skin.

Can one merely post back their au pair in the original packaging with reciept in these times of locked down travel corridors?

Tell her she is free to spent evening in her room.
I used to be an aupair and while I liked watching TV in the living room I also loved being in my room reading etc.
I had no tv in my room, mobile phones just started to exists so all I had was books and magazines.
Maybe she feels she has to sit with you.

The OP’s needs don’t really warrant a nanny because she doesn’t need sole care for the babies, she just needs a bit of extra help around the house and someone to keep an eye/ear on them while she has a shower or a nap.

That may be the case but she could easily hire a mother’s help who would go home every evening. But I’m sure that wouldn’t be as convenient for op and would likely be more expensive.

I really can’t believe anyone would invite a young girl to their house to help with their dc but never share a meal together or share common areas. Yes it’s a financial arrangement, but surely there’s an expectation for basic level of hospitality when you invite anyone to your house.

How tired are you with a full time, live in au pair
But The 3 Little Bears comment has cracked me up so thanks !

I used to work as an au pair, but obviously not through a pandemic and would never have dreamed of spending every night in the living room with the parents, even though they were super lovely. I did, however, have a spacious room with an arm chair and TV in it. Does she have her own TV or is there a way you can reorganise your space so that she has a bigger room, if not? If not, if you have the space, see if you can move things around to create a 'suite' feel to your bedroom with seating and a TV.

Perhaps she feels obliged to sit with you, I'd just drop in something along the lines of... don't feel you need to spend every evening with us, I'm sure you want your own space which is fine. For me this would just be said to make sure she isn't feeling obliged, otherwise if I wanted space I'd go to my bedroom as I do when I want some space from my family.

Why don’t you gift her a travel card so she can spend her evenings doing loops around town.

[quote underneaththeash]@StepOutOfLine we've had 9 au pairs, all stayed longer than their original "contract", we keep in touch with them all too and the ones still in the UK visit.

Many of my friends also have/had au pairs and none of them ever sat with their au pairs in the evening. Obviously things are different at the moment as they can't go out with friends, but having time alone with your husband is normal.[/quote]
Completely agree, some of these responses are very harsh.

My DC's are grown up now but I've had numerous au pairs when they were little. Just before I get a bashing they were not left with my DCs they were their to help me, we worked together.
Mine were all Eastern European, we found in their own countries they were 1, much more family orientated; sitting with your family in the evening watching TV/playing cards/games etc would be the norm and 2. they often lived in small flats etc an it wasn't uncommon for sitting rooms/to be bedrooms as well.
They are meant to be treated like "a member of your family" its a cultural exchange and in return for board and lodging and the chance to go to language school to learn English and hopefully meet friends of their own age they help you round the house. Im assuming they cant go to language school at the moment and obviously they cant meet with friends, very sadly for them they are not getting the experience they were hoping for.
So I think OP you're just going to have to live with a it, A good au pair is worth more than her weight in gold don't antagonise/upset her, also put yourself in her shoes the whole experience is not what she hoped I feel really sorry for any au pair at the moment.
We loved having them, we still talk about them now telling stories about the drop dead gorgeous glamorous one who was over 6 feet with legs that ended just short of her arm pits, the male au pair who used to make us laugh so much, we learnt so much from them about their culture/country etc, and so much more we still play a Polish card game were taught by one, cook a Hungarian meal and we made life long friends.
This won't last forever eventually lockdown will be lifted the weather will get better and your au pair will hopefully be able to go out I the evening and enjoy herself.

Having had twins if you want solo time, do not have an au pair. See how that works out. Yes they are an intrusion if you are not living in a big house, but the alternative is bloody hard believe me.

@BooBahBoo

How are you an exhausted mum if you have an au pair? Lots of people have twins and cope perfectly fine.

Maybe you should purchase her a kennel to sit in so you can stretch out your 'exhausted' mum bod on the sofa (also, who even says that?). Or will she just work as a slave all day then by 7pm lock herself up in her room and only come out when she has written permission to use the toilet?

Get a grip. Have you actually heard yourself? She can't go anywhere because of Covid. Is she genuinely supposed to just stay in her room all night and never have adult company?

What a disgusting response @BooBahBoo - you literally sum up all that's worst with Mumsnet.

I’m not sure that an au pair is the right childcare solution for you, OP. If you need help during the day, hire a mother’s help. If nights are the problem, get a night nanny. Otherwise, a live-out nanny.

Some of the responses have been really harsh.

I wouldn't expect an au pair to want to spend every evening sat with us watching TV. I would have expected them to want to spend some time doing stuff in their room - skyping friends and family, watching TV in their native language, reading, going out for a walk.

I don't think the OP was suggesting that she expected the au pair to disappear every evening, just sometimes.

That said, this is why I don't think au pairs would be for us.

Oh dear, how frightfully awful it must be for you. Honestly, life must be so difficult for you !!!! Seriously you real have no idea how fortunate you are do you?

I would hate this.

That’s why I don’t have an au-pair even though I could do with the help and we have the room/funds.

Didn’t you think about this before hiring her?

Squats and lunges in the night? Wtf?
Do the babies sleep on the floor or something?!

Au pairs are part of the family, or should be treated as suchh.

If you want someone to rock up, do a day's work looking after the children and then disappear then pay for a nanny. Of course you can't expect the nanny to do general housework as well so you may need a cleaner as well.