au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

I don't know any teenagers who spend all evening every evening in the living room with their parents.

@MiriamMargo

Oh dear, how frightfully awful it must be for you. Honestly, life must be so difficult for you !!!! Seriously you real have no idea how fortunate you are do you?

Another unnecessary nasty post - you sound as revolting as your namesake

Oooh look another post and run....

3.month old twins and you're concerned with having alone time to cuddle on the sofa? I'm presuming the au pair will be looking after the babies? 3 month old babies usually wake often, where will they be when you have this alone time?

I mean, talk about priorities skewed.

@C8H10N4O2

Au pairs are part of the family, or should be treated as suchh.

If you want someone to rock up, do a day's work looking after the children and then disappear then pay for a nanny. Of course you can't expect the nanny to do general housework as well so you may need a cleaner as well.

Quite.

I am so fascinated by the squats, lunges and bicep curls. I initially read the post wrongly and thought it was the au pair's workout routine that prevented you from having your living room to yourself.

Anyhow, I do understand you wanting an evening or two of space a week - I would feel the same. I would have no idea what to suggest though! Apart from maybe an early night for you and your husband.

@Rockpooler

This is why I could never have an au pair - i could not bear to share my home.

Same here. I would never have an au pair or nanny (or even a lodger,) as I would hate to have a stranger in my home. (I wouldn't even want someone staying who I knew...)

When we first had DD (1990s,) I kept getting people 'volunteering' to come round and help me. (Cousins, friends, neighbours, aunts etc...) But I declined - every time, as I would rather power through on my own (and with DH's help when he wasn't at work,) than have someone else in the house.

I would find having someone else in the house, way more stressful, than actually coping with the baby alone. And I'd rather work more hours, or cut things out financially (rather than have a lodger.)

That's just me though, and I wouldn't judge or diss anyone who does have 'home help.'

I am not being very helpful I know sorry @Wolf142

All I can suggest is (as many others have said,) that you and your DH go to your bedroom a couple of evenings a week. Very unfair on the au pair to send her off upstairs.

As has been said, this is such an awful time to have gotten an au pair. For you all. Hope it works out.

Oh and PMSL at @underneaththeash Your kids have my utmost sympathy. I LOVED having DD at home, and watching TV with her. How awful for you to have this attitude towards your OWN children.

@draughtycatflap

Do you have a shed she could sit in?

The fucking shed ? ... nice x

Expecting alone time when you have one baby is unrealistic let alone two. And the ‘exhausted mum bod’ will get more exhausted.
With lockdown I think it’s probably just hard for her I couldn’t imagine doing what she does give her time to adapt. You brought her here it’s your responsibility to look after her maybe things will ease when lockdown does. But as others have said in the mean time kindly say to her please don’t feel you need to sit with us in the evening...

I'm not one of the people who take every opportunity to yell "we're in a global pandemic!!!" but.... we're in a pandemic. Loads of people haven't been able to even see their partners in months. If the worse sacrifice you have to make is not being able to have romantic and private "date nights" (even though you have tiny babies) - well that's the price for foisting childcare for babies onto an au pair. You'd have a lot less time together as a couple if you were parenting your own babies without live-in help.

It's extremely weird to act like the au pair is somehow strange for wanting to hang around the house every evening. I'm sure she'd give her left arm to be able to go out and do normal things, but unless the OP is going to drip feed that she's actually in Taiwan the options are sit on the sofa, sit on bed alone, or walk around the streets alone at night in freezing cold rain.

These babies are too young for au pairs, and no way would an au pair be coming to the UK in the current climate. It would be pointless- au pairs are meant to be learning the local culture and language whilst earning a bit of pocket money with light child care, and while they might brush up on the language with the host family, any other language learning or socialising or cultural experiences obviously aren't happening in the UK right now.

Unless what is meant by 'au pair' here is actually 'underpaid illegal nanny' then this is nonsense, like 90% of what's on MN lately. I get that everyone is bored but at least be more realistic with your creative writing.

This is brilliant

You’ve got a (probably) very young girl. From a different country. In a pandemic. Living with a completely new family

And you want to kick her out of a part of the house. To eliminate even more space that she can go

I wouldn’t change it now. I think that would be cruel

You need to go to your own room and for god sakes get a nanny next time.

@Bence69

Ha. It was a joke. Due to the OP

Sorry I don't really have any sympathy. In general au pair relationships are fairly advantageous to the employer and not so to the au pair.

Sounds like you think of her as a servant who should live below stairs.

Where has she come from? whats the culture there?

Yes I am married and yes we love spending time with our teenage children. We all watch TV together.

I hope you realise that not everyone is the same as you! Most teens woiuldn't want to sit with hte parents EVERY night all night! They ae on their phones / games mostly.
Equally many parents have a type of personailty where they need space for themselves at some point in the eve.

And posters who twist OP 's words - why the heck do you do that? She sounds nice and is worried how to ask the au pair nicely so not to offend her - she never once said she wanted her to stay in her room all the time. Most au pairs would want to haev time to themselves too.

I’m with OP. Previous employer of 5+ Au pairs over the years and even though we didn’t live in lockdown I’d have been astonished if any of them wanted to spend every evening with us when they had good internet and TV in their own room. My adult daughter is living with us at the moment and she would sooner lick soap than spend every evening with us!

I’m with the Date Night idea - tell her how lovely and fantastic she is etc but that you would really appreciate it if on xxxx night she watched tv in her own room after supper. You ever know, she might be finding sitting with you excruciating and actually wish she was in her room, but is embarrassed to leave you.

I'm not going to apologise for my post, nor should Miriam @MrsWonderland. Why are you so triggered by an opinion? Do you have an au pair who you treat badly and this is an uncomfortable read?

I think it's utterly disgusting that someone coming from a position of such priviledge is complaining about someone they've hired, presumably from another country, on a much lower wage, wanting to sit with other humans after they've done their work for the day. This person isn't a random blow-in that they've took in out of pity. They hired her!

I'm also not going to apologise for making a comment about the OP's constant 'exhausted' references. Sorry, during this climate where people are trying to WFH and home school multiple kids, I think it's a bit lost on me. A mum, a dad and an au pair for two babies should really not result in someone being utterly 'exhausted'. Most parents of newborns at the minute have minimal to no support (hence support bubbles for under ones). Most are doing it entirely on their own as they are either single parents or their partner is working. So, perhaps some perspective is needed.

I won't have respect for anyone who thinks that a decent way to treat an au pair is to banish them to their room after they've done their work. Especially in this climate. She can hardly go out and do other things, can she? But, no, she should remain holed up in her bedroom every evening.

There's also the cultural element that other PPs have alluded to. Whereby au pairs work on a lower pay in return for improving their English skills and learning more about the culture, among other things (most of which are unavailable at present). I don't know about you, but if I moved to France (as an example), with an aim of improving my French, it would be a bit redundant me sitting in my bedroom alone every night. I could have done that from my home in the UK.

Treat other humans, as humans, not baby minding and cleaning machines who are to make themselves scare once baby bedtime comes. Au pairs are part of the family, and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone that no, they cannot use the communal family space in their downtime. If I want to sprawl out and cuddle my partner, I could always go somewhere, oh, I don't know... that the AP wouldn't go? Like, my bedroom?

But, of course, it's not okay for OP to be expected to go to her bedroom in the evenings. Only the lowly au pair must do that.

Bloody disgusting. Pay for a nanny and a cleaner/housekeeper if you want people to fuck off past 7pm. And pay them their appropriate rates, too. Absolutely fed up with people thinking that their needs are the only needs that matter. The poor girl is probably bored out of her mind and homesick. Does she even have a bedroom that's nice to be in? She could be in a tiny box room with barely room to swing a cat for all we know. Expecting someone to live out of such a small space is criminal.

There’s no particular reason why an au pair shouldn’t be able to help out a mum with their very young babies - making bottles/sterilising pumps/keeping an eye on them while mum bathes or naps. Very different to full time sole care.

The problem is the pandemic and the fact that the OP and the au pair are in different pages about the need for personal space.

I agree, an au pair is part of the family. I was and was handed a new born a week after I arrived, as well as a 4 year old who was subsequently diagnosed with ADD. Different times.

The only thing I have to say is that why the fuck are the three of you sitting in a row on the sofa? I would clarify with her that she should sit on a separate armchair, the three of you sitting together is weirdly intimate!

When I lived with my in laws, I generally wouldnt sit in the living room all evening, preferring to retire to my bedroom after a certain point to be on my own for a bit! I dont think it's that unreasonable to expect her to do the same sometimes - I'm surprised she wants to sit with you all evening. But perhaps I'm a bit of a loner.

Gosh I'd hate to be in her position.
Confined to sitting watching TV on the sofa all evening with her employers.
During a lockdown so there's no escape.

She probably thinks it's rude to stay in her room all evening.

This is why I don't agree with au pairs and I hope that one outcome of Brexit (which I think was the worst decision ever btw) might be a halt in this kind of domestic slavery that is seen as acceptable in many MC houses. OP is talking about a young women as if she is an appliance, which is horrible. As others have said, what did you think would happen in lock down?! We have a live in nanny and always did when I was a child, they have to have their own room, bathroom and I think this should be the same for anyone working in a domestic role in a house. Yes it's vvvv expensive, but so it should be.

I take it your one of the privileged also, who has no idea who real life is for Joe Public !!

I’d be more concerned that your husband saw no issue and was happy. Is she attractive OP?