au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

No, it's not normal to have your au pair sitting watching TV every night with you, just as you wouldn't want a teenage child sitting with you all night, every night. Married couples need some time on their own.

Most of the people who've replied to you so far OP will have had absolutely no experience of au pairs, I assume you're using her as an extra pair of hands, rather than her looking after the babies by herself!

You;ll just need to tell her than you want date night a couple of times a week and she needs to go to her room.

Yes, where are the kids of an evening? What are her working hours?

Lots of this is concerning, not least because you’d like her to sit in her room alone.

If you would like effectively a nanny, then you need to pay for one, not pay some young woman peanuts and get her to do work she’s not supposed to be doing, then complaining she’s in the way when you want to snuggle with your husband.

Au-pairs live as part of the family.
That's why they do it. They aren't going to be career childcare professionals, or even become nannies.
They come to learn the language, do a bit of looking after the kids and housework, whilst experiencing family life.
You might be better off with a live-in nanny type agreement.

@underneaththeash

No, it's not normal to have your au pair sitting watching TV every night with you, just as you wouldn't want a teenage child sitting with you all night, every night. Married couples need some time on their own.

Most of the people who've replied to you so far OP will have had absolutely no experience of au pairs, I assume you're using her as an extra pair of hands, rather than her looking after the babies by herself!

You;ll just need to tell her than you want date night a couple of times a week and she needs to go to her room.

Jesus. 😱

I thought you couldn't have an au pair for children under the age of two years old?

Or is it just she cannot be left alone with your twin babies?

@underneaththeash

I think the issue is covid. Previously Au Pairs would go out in the eve, meet people, visit sights etc none of which is available at the moment

@underneaththeash

No, it's not normal to have your au pair sitting watching TV every night with you, just as you wouldn't want a teenage child sitting with you all night, every night. Married couples need some time on their own.

Most of the people who've replied to you so far OP will have had absolutely no experience of au pairs, I assume you're using her as an extra pair of hands, rather than her looking after the babies by herself!

You;ll just need to tell her than you want date night a couple of times a week and she needs to go to her room.

I've been one, and had one. Which is how I know the OP is unclear about expectations. But not from the au-pair's side. As Bluntness says, a nanny would probably be the best option for this particular family, though of course they cost considerably more, and their working hours legally can often be much less.

I think you are going to have to be really honest with her and say something like " would you mind if husband and I have the living room to ourselves on a Wednesday night for our date night?"

YANBU but you have got the wrong au pair.

We had quite a few au pairs when the dc were small. Dh and I are quite introverted and didn't really embrace the whole 'member of the family thing'. But with the right girl it works. The au pairs we had did NOT WANT to sit with us in the evening - they either wanted their own space in their room, or went out with friends (obviously that's out at the moment).

You could encourage her to connect up with other local au pairs. Difficult to meet up in person now but once she gets to know a few people, they can chat on FaceTime or something like that.

Our au pairs never ate with us either. I know you're 'supposed' to do that but if both parties are happy with the arrangement then it's fine. We had one girl who stayed 3 years!

I think having an au pair in lock down is grossly unfair.

They can’t get out to in person language lessons and socialise which is the whole reason for the scheme and they have no opportunity to travel and experience a different country or most importantly travel home if they want to.

Sounds a bit grim without throwing the fact that you don’t seem to really want the au pair relationship.

@underneaththeash

No, it's not normal to have your au pair sitting watching TV every night with you, just as you wouldn't want a teenage child sitting with you all night, every night. Married couples need some time on their own.

Most of the people who've replied to you so far OP will have had absolutely no experience of au pairs, I assume you're using her as an extra pair of hands, rather than her looking after the babies by herself!

You;ll just need to tell her than you want date night a couple of times a week and she needs to go to her room.

You would tell your teenage child not to sit with you in the evening? Wow.

An au pair can work up to thirty hours a week and should be treated as part of the family, they basically earn a pittance during this period, and it’s supposed to be thr famoly provides food snd board and helps them learn about the culture etc.

They are not “to be told to go to their rooms” and basically be treated like some form of slave Labour

Op is this young woman being treated correctly? Is she working no more than thirty hours? Not looking after your kids, being integrated into your family, are you and your husband teaching her about local culture?

I would probably feel the same in this situation but you need to be realistic especially during the pandemic. Your poor au pair doesn't really have any options of things to do at the moment.

I think you are setting the tone by sitting on the sofa every night and she probably thinks this is what she is supposed to do. Could any other rooms be made a bit more usable for relaxing so that there are options for you all? Could you put a computer/TV/sofa in another room so that you or she could relax out of the living room? We made our kitchen cosier and this definitely was a hit.

What does her contract say? How long is it for?

Just tell her that you and DH need an early night but she’s welcome to stay up and watch TV as long as she wants. And mention that if she ever wants to go and hang out in her room on her own, that’s completely fine and you won’t be at all offended.

You;ll just need to tell her than you want date night a couple of times a week and she needs to go to her room.

Or perhaps shut her in the kitchen with a treat to chew on? 🙄🙄

Perhaps if she wants to watch TV, can you and your DH play a card game / board game? And do a lot of cheering if one of you is winning or losing. I'd get very annoyed by that if I wanted to see a certain series and go to my room to continue watching there.

What did you actually expect?

Do you want her to retreat to the servant quarters?

@Candyfloss99

Are you married? Do you sit watching TV with your teenage children every single night of the week and never have time with your husband. I cannot believe that you do.

Maybe you could start getting frisky with DH on the sofa then she might get the hint and go watch tv in her room.

I don’t think it is too much to ask to book the living room for a date once or twice a week.

She has a tv on her room, is not as if you were locking her in the cupboard under the stairs.

I feel really sorry for your au pair. I think you need a nanny or mother's help during the day or even a night nanny to help with night feeds, not an au pair.
It's pretty unfair at the moment to have an au pair as she won't get the chance to attend language college, explore a new city or make friends. What do you expect a young person to do?

I also find the whole tone of your post odd and dramatic 'My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies' 'exhausted mum body'. If this is a genuine post you seem to be rather exaggerating things! I've had several babies and would never have used this sort of language nor have I ever come across any other mum describing the post natal period like this. I'm sure everyone understands that you are exhausted already.

[quote underneaththeash]@Candyfloss99

Are you married? Do you sit watching TV with your teenage children every single night of the week and never have time with your husband. I cannot believe that you do.[/quote]
Yes I am married and yes we love spending time with our teenage children. We all watch TV together. We spend time together when we go to bed as my husband and I sleep in the same bed and the children sleep in their own beds.

@StepOutOfLine we've had 9 au pairs, all stayed longer than their original "contract", we keep in touch with them all too and the ones still in the UK visit.

Many of my friends also have/had au pairs and none of them ever sat with their au pairs in the evening. Obviously things are different at the moment as they can't go out with friends, but having time alone with your husband is normal.

If you didn’t have an au pair for your three month old twins you’d be on your knees not cuddling with your husband on the sofa.

Are you KIDDING us with this????