au pair in the living room every night

[Wolf142]

I am an exhausted mum to 3 month old twins. Just after Christmas we brought our first ever au pair over. i have to say she is, in general hard working, sensible, great with dogs and children and lovely company. I also understand that a lockdown is difficult for everyone as normally she would make friends, explore the area etc.
The problem is - when you are a new mum it really tests your relationship! Intimacy is scarce and you and DH are often frustrated, mainly exacerbated by lack of sleep. My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies through the nights. I miss my husband and I spending time together and not being exhausted and bickering. I long ti stretch out my exhausted mum body and have a cuddle with my husband on the sofa when the children are sleeping in the evening.
Instead we are sat on the sofa every night like three little bears. Night after night after night.
I do know an au pair is meant to be a “member of the family”. Like a member of the family she has access to the same tv streaming in her room that we do. I feel that if it was my sister/sister in law they would make themselves scarce or just want a bit if space the odd evening.
To add to it DH seems completely happy with the arrangement and things she’s fantastic (she is, i just want a bit of space!)
AIBU? if not - how do i kindly break this to her? Am i just not suited to having an au pair?

I don't sit with my teens all evening every evening on the same sofa. We wander in and out, watch a programme together, go off and do something else, they go to their rooms, come down for food, chat.

I would hate someone there all the time, if I'm fed up with mine though I go to my bedroom where I have the laptop to watch TV and chill there. Happy for anyone to pop in and out, don't need a 24/7 companion.

@chuckitallin

I feel really sorry for your au pair. I think you need a nanny or mother's help during the day or even a night nanny to help with night feeds, not an au pair. It's pretty unfair at the moment to have an au pair as she won't get the chance to attend language college, explore a new city or make friends. What do you expect a young person to do?

I also find the whole tone of your post odd and dramatic 'My body is wracked and creaking from the squats, lunges and bicep curls of picking up and feeding two babies' 'exhausted mum body'. If this is a genuine post you seem to be rather exaggerating things! I've had several babies and would never have used this sort of language nor have I ever come across any other mum describing the post natal period like this. I'm sure everyone understands that you are exhausted already.

That’s what’s concerning me. Is some peoooe really want a nanny and can’t or won’t afford it, so they hire a young au pair instead as cheap Labour, but don’t respect the contract, Ie not kids under two, light house work only, integrated into family, taught about local culture, working a very max of up to thirty hours a week blah blah.

Hopefully the op is not that person and just has failed to articulate it.

Things are different at the moment. You just have to be flexible - and fair to her. Perhaps the present live-in arrangement is not for you and doesn't work in your home.

If she is not a service provider, or a servant, (or Cinderella) but 'part of the family' then I suppose you have to consider that the TV/sofa area is shared family space in most homes. You have private space elsewhere and she does too.

If you want sole use of the shared space for 'date nights' in these confined times- that seems fine but if you are being fair to 'family', you should in turn offer her the sofa/TV area for use on her own on different nights.

(How comfortable would you and DH be if excluded from the shared space? Does that help in considering her situation? At least you have each other's company.)

The OP’s needs don’t really warrant a nanny because she doesn’t need sole care for the babies, she just needs a bit of extra help around the house and someone to keep an eye/ear on them while she has a shower or a nap.

In normal times that would be a reasonable role for an au pair, but at the moment, legally confined to the house, unable to attend language lessons or meet friends, and with it dark for 16 hours a day it’s not going to be a good experience for either party, but especially the au pair.

If you want “cuddle time” in the evening either go to your bedroom or employ a live out nanny rather than trying to do it on the cheap with an au pair. In normal times, you could expect the au pair to be out and about a lot more but nothing is open.

How did you expect an au pair to work during lockdown? Cheap childcare then to scuttle off to sit in her room every evening so you can have alone time?

It is an au pair therefore possibly an adult, not a toddler. I agree with who ever said that you’ve got the wrong au pair.

Some don’t want to spend the whole of their free time interacting with you, some do. And asking her to let you have the living room one night a week is something perfectly reasonable to ask to people in your own family.

I can’t imagine my teen or I would enjoy watching tv together every single night of the whole week, we need our own space even in lockdown.

[quote underneaththeash]@StepOutOfLine we've had 9 au pairs, all stayed longer than their original "contract", we keep in touch with them all too and the ones still in the UK visit.

Many of my friends also have/had au pairs and none of them ever sat with their au pairs in the evening. Obviously things are different at the moment as they can't go out with friends, but having time alone with your husband is normal.[/quote]
That's irrelevant.
As you know, au-pairs are fully expected to live as part of the family. If the au-pair chooses to do her own thing, as mine did, and as I did when I was one, that's one thing. But the family must know that that might not be the case.

@FunnyItWorkedLastTime

The OP’s needs don’t really warrant a nanny because she doesn’t need sole care for the babies, she just needs a bit of extra help around the house and someone to keep an eye/ear on them while she has a shower or a nap.

In normal times that would be a reasonable role for an au pair, but at the moment, legally confined to the house, unable to attend language lessons or meet friends, and with it dark for 16 hours a day it’s not going to be a good experience for either party, but especially the au pair.

She could get a cleaner in. Or a babysitter in that case. Fwiw, I agree with you.

@underneaththeash

No, it's not normal to have your au pair sitting watching TV every night with you, just as you wouldn't want a teenage child sitting with you all night, every night. Married couples need some time on their own.

Most of the people who've replied to you so far OP will have had absolutely no experience of au pairs, I assume you're using her as an extra pair of hands, rather than her looking after the babies by herself!

You;ll just need to tell her than you want date night a couple of times a week and she needs to go to her room.

are you for real?

you wouldn't want a teenage child sitting with you all night Yours might try to avoid you as much as possible, but that's not normal!

I had au-pairs as it happens, and I would find it pretty offensive you assume all of us treat them as second class citizen or slaves sent back to their bed every evening. That's just you I am afraid.

Please do not employ any au-pair ever again. Not sure what the rules will be, but a confident girl will find another family immediately. A less confident with less financial support from her family might end up stuck with some horrible family like yours.

Ignore all the nasty comments on here. Most have never had an aupair and just come on MN to be snippy. You sound lovely. Agree with others definitely tell her that a couple of nights a week you and your DH are going to have an at-home date night as you can't go out. Not unreasonable at all!

Could she be homesick? For a long time when I first left home, I was fine if I was around other people, but the instant I was in my own room (unless I was getting ready for bed straight away) I'd feel awful.

I think either you should go to bed early one night, and watch something snuggled on your bed, or say to her that you'd like a 'date night' and on x day would she be comfortable enough in her room for the evening? You could always offer to buy her some snacks and a cuddly blanket so she could have a film night of her own (maybe suggest Netflix party or whatever it's called?).

Also she hasn't been over long — perhaps she's used to everybody sitting together at night? We always did, not all necessarily watching the same programme, but you'd still sit in the same room with a book or jigsaw or whatever.

There is a reason why nannies are 40k a year and au pairs are £400 a month plus accommodation and food. You have to suck it up.

She is working very hard too OP not just you and needs down time and rest just as much as you do. Saying that I’d find it unbearable every single night!

Could you set up a sofa bed, coffee table and TV in her room?

Or failing that, a TV in your room?

This is why I could never have an au pair - i could not bear to share my home.

Why wouldn't you want your teenager sitting with you? Mine likes to and we like it too. What do you do, send them to their room?

Au pairs are cheap because their primary purpose is to live in a foreign country to improve their language skills and learn the culture not to be a nanny. She’s not going to improve her English or learn about English culture if she’s only around 3mo twin babies. If it weren’t lockdown, she could go out and about. It’s actually what you owe her in return for the childcare she does do.

With the kindest of intentions I would recommend that you relook at this Au Pair arrangement.

Too many issues that are potential red flags in your OP for longer term issues to emerge.

PP's recommendations for a Mother's help may be more appropriate given your twins age, for the sake of both your family and the Au Pair.

Speaking as someone who had an Au Pair for 3 years and therefore familiar with the close living elements.

How are you an exhausted mum if you have an au pair? Lots of people have twins and cope perfectly fine.

Maybe you should purchase her a kennel to sit in so you can stretch out your 'exhausted' mum bod on the sofa (also, who even says that?). Or will she just work as a slave all day then by 7pm lock herself up in her room and only come out when she has written permission to use the toilet?

Get a grip. Have you actually heard yourself? She can't go anywhere because of Covid. Is she genuinely supposed to just stay in her room all night and never have adult company?

Sorry but given the current situation YABVU

I agree with PP you need to suck it up or pay out for a nanny

Does she have a comfortable bedroom with TV/internet/devices etc?
If yes,I would feel a bit annoyed as well.
Or maybe she is home sick?
Can you talk to her about your expectation regarding evening routine?She may not be able to read your mind and nice,friendly chat could really help.

@BooBahBoo

How are you an exhausted mum if you have an au pair? Lots of people have twins and cope perfectly fine.

Maybe you should purchase her a kennel to sit in so you can stretch out your 'exhausted' mum bod on the sofa (also, who even says that?). Or will she just work as a slave all day then by 7pm lock herself up in her room and only come out when she has written permission to use the toilet?

Get a grip. Have you actually heard yourself? She can't go anywhere because of Covid. Is she genuinely supposed to just stay in her room all night and never have adult company?

I'm assuming the au pair isn't working overnight so op / DH are still up every few hours feeding and changing babies. Coping with twins and not being tired with 8 week old twins isn't the same thing. DH may well be back at work and the au pair can't be left alone with the twins so she's extra hands, not cover so op can sleep all day

I like my teenager very much but although we are close, it is healthy not to live in each other pockets, I cannot imagine spending every evening sitting together in front of the TV.

It is not me sending me to his room, he just goes to chat with his friends or play in the Xbox with them. Perfectly normal activities for teens to embark on even when they are thousands of miles away from home. Sometimes (not in lockdown) he has friends around and I lose access to the living room for most of the weekend, specially if they are staying over, sometimes I want the living room for my own thing. It is normal, even in families, honest 🙂

Surely that's kind of what you sign up for when you hire an au pair? What do you expect her to do?

All I can think of that you can do really is discuss it with her and ask her to keep to her room for a night or two a week, but it seems a little unfair on her.

Start making out on the sofa. She'll soon get the message. Or join in.

Why is feeding & caring for your twins causing you to do Squats?! I genuinely don't get it