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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au pair took drugs. WWYD?

236 replies

WhatTheDickensian · 02/07/2016 22:17

We have a lovely Australian au pair who is 19. She's been with us since Christmas and Is a lovely girl.

Last night I got a call in the middle of the night because she was in hospital. It turns it she took ecstacy while drinking and she had a fit. Shes still in hospital but is going to be fine.

What should I do? Would others keep her employed to care for their kids? She is a good au pair and the kids are close to her. She and I get on very well. But on the other hand she took drugs last night when she was due to come back to our home and to look after the kids at 3pm today.

She has apologised profusely.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Benedikte2 · 02/07/2016 23:57

I would give her a second chance especially since your gut feeling seems to be that she is honest and she appears to be a hard worker and to genuinely care about your children.
Stress that your main concern is that she is responsible for the children and ingesting any drugs may affect their safety because she can't be sure how she will be affected.
After all if you sack her and get another au pair how can you be sure what she may do in her spare time? At least now you know the situation with the current girl and if you feel she is honest and trustworthy and is now aware of the danger of drugs you are on safe ground

LyndaNotLinda · 02/07/2016 23:58

She's an au pair. Not in charge of the World Bank.

I'd have her back on a 2 strikes and you're out basis. If she ever shows signs of even being hung over on a day when she has sole care, then that's a binnable offence.

2nds · 02/07/2016 23:59

Your kids are more important than a dodgy au pair who obviously can't act in a responsible Manner herself, so how is she supposed to act responsibly for your children?

Put your children first and sack her.

2nds · 03/07/2016 00:02

BTW she would be sacked from any other job as a direct result.

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 00:03

And hopefully while striking that second chance out op kids are not seriously hurt. linda

Then op can torment herself it's her fault...

LBOCS2 · 03/07/2016 00:07

But any other job they wouldn't know that she'd taken drugs while she was off duty. This is one of the only roles in which the line between 'at work' and 'your own time, off duty, with no responsibilities' is so blurred.

If it was the only time it had happened and you genuinely have no other concerns about her performance then I wouldn't sack her, no.

LyndaNotLinda · 03/07/2016 00:07

Dutch - why would the OP's children be seriously hurt? If the AP hadn't had a serious reaction, the OP would never have even known.

I don't think it's any worse than getting massively pissed personally but then as I said, I don't subscribe to the general MN handwringing about drugs. I suspect you and I are never going to see eye to eye - just as your bad experiences have coloured your POV, my good ones have coloured mine :)

acrustlessquiche · 03/07/2016 00:10

I think you have to look at the situation objectively and figure out what the problem is.

Are you against these kinds of substances in principle? Does it offend you morally? As an au pair is close to the family, those kinds of things do matter, but arguably you could employ an au pair who manages to keep their drug use on the down low and you might never find out. It could be a case of "better the devil you know" with this one. It depends on your point of view. Most people I know experimented with party drugs at 19-20 and they have all grown into responsible adults, bar a couple who had other things going on in terms of mental health.

Are you in shock because you feel like the girl isn't the person you thought she was? Almost like it's your own child who's been taking drugs. This is something that will likely ease over time.

Is it purely a safety issue - re:looking after kids the day after? If that's true, I'd bear in mind that you were OK with her smoking weed and drinking heavily. 19-year-olds still haven't completed neuro-development (ends around age 25) and are more likely to be impulsive than older adults, so this was a risk. It seems your risk assessment missed that variable.

It sounds like she's had a shit night and was one of those kids who is unlucky. Plenty of others "get away" with taking drugs because they never have a bad reaction.

But your kids are your priority. You could insist that she never does it again and give her a second chance. But what would be the cost if she blew that one? What's the risk to your kids? Would she be more likely to lie in the future if she knew that being found out would cost her her job?

It might be that the trust is gone and you need to move on.

Puffykins · 03/07/2016 00:12

The real question is whether you'll be able to trust her again, completely, with your children - or will it always be at the back of your mind? If it's the latter you should probably find someone new.

My parents decided, in their wiseness, to give a recovering heroin addict a second chance. Six months in they went away for the weekend, leaving 6 year old me and my 3 year old sister in her care. She overdosed, and died. We were alone in the house with her body for 24 hours. (The long term affects of this have been nil incidentally, as I simply don't remember it.) But drugs are, well, not great.

2nds · 03/07/2016 00:19

Lol lots of workplaces do random blood tests. I was once told to do a drugs test at a former workplace, I'd have been sacked if I'd failed it. We worked with machinery and it was very important that we did not take illegal substances at all.

If OP ignores this major warning sign then she can't blame anyone but herself if the au pair fucks up again. Oh and as for the poster who said that they'd be worried if it was an addictive drug, really? So say au pair takes E every weekend, that's not a drug problem? Some of you guys need to acquaint yourselves with a bit of info on drugs and their potential effects.

If OP herself was getting off her face and if social services were informed by someone then OP risks losing her kids, so why would the druggie au pair keep her job?

Klaptout · 03/07/2016 00:20

It's a difficult one, I've never taken drugs, but for someone to have a fit sounds like an extreme reaction, so I'd be guessing it's her first and likely last time.
I know a few people who have used drugs 'recreationally' and been teaching or nursing the next day, but I don't know how fit they were for the job in hand, but I'm thinking give her another chance, if you strongly believe it was a one off due to being 19.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 03/07/2016 00:22

Sounds like she's had a big shock as a result of being young and daft. Given that you yourself have insight of this from when you were young, the fact that you say she's a great au pair and you all love her, I'd give her another chance. We've a been young and stupid and it sounds like she feels awful for letting you down. It's not a bad opportunity to use as an example to your children (if they're not too young) on the dangers of drugs. I hope you give her another chance. Good luck!

SoupDragon · 03/07/2016 00:24

soup Id put the safety of my kids over any chance of hypocracy. What a bizzare stance!

What is bizarre? It isn't bizarre at all. Just a different view to yours.

All this talk of children finding stuff in her bag/room is OTT given there has never been any kind of hint that this is not a one off. Talk of drug dealers coming round is, frankly, hysterical.

I bet very very few 19 year olds give one single thought to how their hangover or come down will affect them the next day. I certainly gave no thought to how a hangover would have affected my ability to work. The au pair is someone who was trusted enough to spend the night in hospital with one of the children in place of the OP and who has given no prior cause for concern. I would give her a second chance (and anyone who tries to suggest I don't care about or would happily risk my children can bog off)

FWIW, I have never taken any recreational drugs nor smoked cannabis.

2nds · 03/07/2016 00:25

Klaptout this girl took it on more than one occasion, fitting doesn't mean it was the first time she took the drug.
www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/mum-of-teen-who-died-after-taking-ecstasy-urges-others-to-value-your-life-be-aware-407794.html

SoupDragon · 03/07/2016 00:27

The au pair has not taken drugs whilst in care of the children. If she that about it at all, i bet she imagined 15 hours was plenty of time for it to clear in the same way alcohol would have done.

2nds · 03/07/2016 00:27

Or any drug for that matter

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 00:29

lynda I'm glad you had good experiences taking drugs - so did I to some extent. But not to the point I would feel happy about my kids taking them OR any one else being employed to look after them. In fact taking E is pretty dangerous that's why there are many help lines to get help. But hey - if you had a good time ....

You right though I can't understand your blazè attitude to it. Just because you don't know about something doesn't mean it's ok, turning a blind eye when it comes to the safety of your kids is madness.

The AP took a risk taking E, whether it was first time or not. I would not want risk takers around my kids. Woukd I want some one that irritable, tired and down looking after my kids? Would I fuck. Would I want some one who could have flash backs because the night before they were pilling their tits off? No. Would I want some one who's head could be mashed the next day they coulldnt focus while in charge of my little children . No.

General handwringing about drugs? If I employ some one to look after my kids I want then straight and sober. End of.

I teach children all day in water, what if one of them drown because I was hungover or on a come down? Grow up FFS.

What if a was still pissed from the night before and smashed my car in to some one or operated machinery and killed some one? Would that be handwringing then?

2nds · 03/07/2016 00:29

A comedown from mdma (e) can take days Soupdragon so yes she may well have been in charge of the kids while still under the effects of the drug.

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 00:32

soup it's the after effects that's an issue. Why do some people think that if you take a mind altering drug you will be absolutly straight after a few hours. The come down can last days.

Why don't you just google the after effects and see if you would be ok with that?

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 00:33

As a PP poster up thread said :-

Leave your kids in car for five mins. Fuck that call the SS

Let your kids beclooked after someone who has taken mind altering drugs recently. Oh yes that's fine - have a heart!

LouBlue1507 · 03/07/2016 00:37

Dutchcourage Exactly!

laurenwiltxx · 03/07/2016 00:39

Keep her on under the agreement of random drug tests, but I would feel like sacking her myself

2nds · 03/07/2016 00:39

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/straight-as-student-killed-himself-6882501

Killed himself on a comedown from mdma.

Wake up people

evelynj · 03/07/2016 00:40

If you trust her & think she's being honest then keep her after a very frank talk

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 00:45

Tiredness has over come me and I've just creased up at eve post following 2nd - I love that you think that a frank talk could sort this out 😂😂

m.talktofrank.com/

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