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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au pair took drugs. WWYD?

236 replies

WhatTheDickensian · 02/07/2016 22:17

We have a lovely Australian au pair who is 19. She's been with us since Christmas and Is a lovely girl.

Last night I got a call in the middle of the night because she was in hospital. It turns it she took ecstacy while drinking and she had a fit. Shes still in hospital but is going to be fine.

What should I do? Would others keep her employed to care for their kids? She is a good au pair and the kids are close to her. She and I get on very well. But on the other hand she took drugs last night when she was due to come back to our home and to look after the kids at 3pm today.

She has apologised profusely.

WWYD?

OP posts:
2nds · 03/07/2016 01:27

I don't believe that 99% of the 'give her another chance' brigade would actually give her another chance if she was their Au Pair.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 03/07/2016 01:28

2nds I absolutely would!

FastWindow · 03/07/2016 01:37

I wouldn't give her another chance. No sorry here. Not having someone who tries drugs in my house, looking after my dc.

E is a pretty hard drug these days. Not anywhere near as mainstream as it was 20 years ago - and I was against it then. Despite some fairly questionable morals myself.

It's got to be about what kind of person you've got looking after your children - and I wouldn't want someone whose choices are that susceptible after too much drink.

LucyBabs · 03/07/2016 01:55

Wow I'm surprised actually no I'm not surprised by the comments here. Do any of you bother to research how many deaths relating to e, cocaine, heroin there are? Why don't you research how many people die after drinking alcohol, the devastation it causes to families and friends.

Fastwindow E really isn't a "hard drug these days" You're more likely to die from alcohol poisoning, accidental death and violence. Are you against alcohol as much as you are Ecstasy?

Oh but it's legal,Confused it must be ok

FastWindow · 03/07/2016 02:03

lucy back in my day, when E was first invented, it was new and not seen as dangerous. Now, it's acknowledged as a nasty little drug. Leah Betts ring a bell? MDMA is a hard drug. You can't say it isn't.

Alcohol is also an intoxicant. Fact, point noted.

But you haven't addressed the point at hand, would you allow the au pair to look after the dc?

2nds · 03/07/2016 02:04

No one is denying what alcohol does. The OP was questioning whether to sack the girl or not based on her taking an illegal drug.
And as for "You are more likely to die from accidental death and violence", both alcohol and illegal drugs are contributing factors to these scenarios. So let's not forget that I can go out and swallow pills on a Saturday and smack someone on a Monday while on a comedown.

AmberNectarine · 03/07/2016 02:08

Would you feel differently if she'd just gone out and got really shitfaced or was taking prescription meds like tramadol for a legitimate complaint? Because either of those would render me less capable of caring for kids.

I would let it go, this time, but make it clear you're not impressed. She has had a scary experience, far from home. Give her the chance to redeem herself.

LucyBabs · 03/07/2016 02:17

2nds I was relating the accidental death and violence to alcohol

Yes fastwindow I remember Leah betts very well. However I personally know of 15 people in my 34 years who have died because of alcohol. I don't know of one person who has died because of ecstasy. Obviously people do die because of ecstasy but can you imagine if every person who has died because of alcohol was reported in newspapers? There wouldn't be much room for any other news!
I'm not denying drugs can be dangerous but I don't think ecstasy is any more dangerous than alcohol.

If the au pair had only drank alcohol and had a fit would that be ok?

I'm not sure how I'd feel if it were my dc and my au pair, however I would feel the same way whether it be alcohol or illegal drugs.

PPS saying what if she had drugs in her bag that the dc found? What about if she had a bottle of vodka or Bacardi breezer in her bag?

AmberNectarine · 03/07/2016 02:20

Oh 2nds get real. The au pair will not become violent as a result of an E she will, at worst, feel a bit glum and homesick.

She is not a meth dealer. She took a dodgy pill, which will probably put her off for life.

FastWindow · 03/07/2016 02:27

Fgs it's about employing people with zero responsibility to look after your most precious offspring.

Not about how many deaths are caused by taking drugs by choice.

If I found out that my (Ofsted Excellence approved) childminders dropped Es on the weekend, I'd be bleep finding new childminders.

2nds · 03/07/2016 02:28

While accidental death and violence never happens when illegal drugs are being used Lucy?

Ambernectarine you've no idea whether she will become violent or not and please define 'a bit glum', is this how depression, suicidal thoughts and paranoia are dressed up to you?

LucyBabs · 03/07/2016 02:33

Would you find a new childminder if you found out your childminder was binge drinking every weekend fastwindow ? Why are you avoiding the fact that alcohol is just as bad if not worse (because it is so widely accepted) than recreational drugs?

LucyBabs · 03/07/2016 02:38

2nds I personally never experienced violent behaviour while around people who were taking ecstasy.Cocaine yes definitely and alcohol absolutely!

Accidental death because of illegal drugs and alcohol yes

2nds · 03/07/2016 02:44

Lucybabs you must be a big fan of mdma, good luck with that. The question isn't about alcohol abuse so maybe we could stick to the OP's issue and not veer off and allow you to make out like your choice of illegal drugs are less dangerous than alcohol, which they aren't.

oldlaundbooth · 03/07/2016 02:48

If you think she's being honest about just getting drunk and doing a bit of weed you're sadly misguided I reckon.

She's telling her employer that - no doubt the truth is that as she's done loads of drugs before.

Not many 19 girls tell their employers the truth - I know i didn't, and I looked like butter wouldn't melt!

I'd be looking for another au pair, OP.

AmberNectarine · 03/07/2016 02:51

Would you sack an au pair diagnosed with depression then 2nds?

No, I don't know the au pair wouldn't become violent, any more than I know that she wouldn't drop down dead while caring for the children because of an undiagnosed congenital heart problem. My assessment is purely anecdotal; years of taking multiple Es on a Saturday night did not induce anything more sinister than a general feeling of malaise in my friends and me. I was more of a risk to society when pregnant, TBH.

2nds · 03/07/2016 03:01

Amber has your drug use clouded your ability to stick to the OP's issue? Congenital heart problems, can you please explain what me employing or not employing someone with heart problems has got to do with a stupid 19 year old girl ending up in hospital through her own stupid fault?

Atenco · 03/07/2016 03:04

I am very anti-drugs in my old age and have tried or wanted to try ecstasy, but the normal after-effects of e cannot be that much worse than a hangover, can they?

I would give a second chance OP.

2nds · 03/07/2016 03:08

And BTW amber and Lucy you two have missed the point completely, your lovely mdma, the drug that apparently caused you two no harm has landed this 19 year old in hospital so your points about it being harmless is just making you two out to be stupid. She's in fecking hospital, if she was absolutely fine she wouldn't have been in hospital. So the drug isn't as safe as you two are making it out to be.

Ramblesoften · 03/07/2016 03:08

Give her another chance !
I can personally say unless it's an obscene amount all I feel from e the next day is tired, it affects everyone differently.
She fucked up, she's human, a young girl.
You've been told the truth so I would say clean slate one more chance..
If she was a big drug user pulling the wool over your eyes I highly doubt you would have been told the real reason for her being in A&E.

FastWindow · 03/07/2016 03:09

lucy yes, because a massive weekend binge drinker wouldn't be the kind of person able to achieve an Outstanding Ofsted report. ... A professional. Which is whom I have employed to look after my dd while I go out and do a job I have to do.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 03/07/2016 03:09

I would give her another chance. Most of my friends took pills regularly at 19. They weren't a lot of fun the next day but were perfectly capable, responsible adults. For most people e is social not habit forming or behaviour altering. Just talk to her clearly about why you're upset and specify why it can't happen again. This isn't some black stain on her character just a youthful mistake.

2nds · 03/07/2016 03:18

As for employing an au pair who has depression, no idea Amber sorry because surely you know that there are different states of depression, plus it also might depend upon what brought the depression on. So nope not a clue whether I'd employ someone with depression or not.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 03/07/2016 04:06

Wow this has gone way off topic Hmm

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/07/2016 05:02

Fgs it's about employing people with zero responsibility to look after your most precious offspring.

But she hasn't got 'zero responsibility'. In every single other way, she has proved to be an exemplary au pair. Which means the OP, who knows and otherwise trusts her, is finding this a difficult decision to make (compared with all of us, looking at it in black and white).

I am torn. We have au pairs, and the unifying thing about every single one of them has been how vastly more mature, responsible and grown-up they all are, compared with me at the same age. I find it boggling, quite honestly. I couldn't have taken care of a houseplant in my late teens - whereas the girls we've had live with us are almost like another species.

So for this reason, I would be wary of an au pair who didn't take her responsibilities seriously.

On the other hand, an au pair that you gel with, who loves your kids, and who's a joy to have around the house is priceless.

Tough call OP, and I doubt this thread has helped. Maybe step away and have a think about what's best for your family.

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