Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

[ReasonablyIntelligent]

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my Employer as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in my position.

I am contracted to work 48 hours a week, Mon to Fri - I am aware that this is unusually low hours for a Nanny, a week typically being 60, so I am grateful for that.
However, since I started (4 months ago) I have yet to work a 48 hour week.
I live in a granny flat attached to the family home so obviously don't have a commute and am easily accessible.
It started off with Mum asking me if I minded staying an extra half an hour at the end of the day, always very apologetic. So instead of finishing at 5.30/6.00 I would finish at 6.30. Fine, don't mind staying late if she really needs it once in a while.
Now, however, 6.30 seem to be my default finish time, and I actually now consider it to be an early finish as 7.00/7.30 is more common.

This isn't so much "asked" nowadays as "told" and since Christmas there has only been 2 weekends that I've had the full two days off. Most of the Sundays had been booked in advanced - fair enough - but almost every weekend now I've been asked to work "just a few hours" so that the Mum can catch up on work. The problem with this is that we live extremely rurally and I don't have a car* which means I rely on public transport. By working even a few hours - my entire day is taken over, as I have to plan around the time and rarely can go out, in case it'd make me late. I also feel uncomfortable knowing I have to be back for a certain time so generally don't risk going out anyway.

I'm also feeling quite put upon because this extra work that my Boss is having to complete could easily be done in her working hours but she spends a lot of time during the day fussing over me or getting distracted by the baby. She must spend about an hour in 10 minute increments throughout the day just basically faffing with the baby.

*The job I applied for was offering a separate apartment away from the house and a separate car - neither of which actually happened. They had trouble with their first nanny and I think didn't want to make more financial commitment early on (fair enough) and said that it'd be something they look after I'd settled in.

Anyway, sorry for the essay! Am I being completely ungrateful and unreasonable? I feel so trapped (we're in a very rural area in a foreign country where I don't speak the language) as I just don't seem to ever be away from work.

I didn't post before because I was hoping it would work out for you OP. About 20 years ago I was a nanny (live out) for a family. The dad was an artist who was around the house a lot and I encountered the same sort of problems that you mentioned - the parents were also under a lot of stress so I was trying to do the right thing by them. However I was getting increasingly stressed by the environment. I tried to highlight what I was unhappy about in a meeting with the mother ( who was home much less, the dad disappeared at the mention of a meeting). She said I was doing a fantastic job and was good with the kids but wouldn't listen to any of my concerns (which I had raised before). Just brushed them off, minimised etc - I felt lost. So I said that I was sorry but I felt that I had to hand in my notice. Well, she completely lost it, accused me of having another job to go to (I hadn't) and ranted at me. I said to her that I felt now that I couldn't work my notice and I walked out as I thought she might hit me. As I reached the door, I heard her run up behind me and she grabbed the door out of my hand and slammed it hard as I left. As Pico said earlier in a post that helped me a lot even after all these years - it says more about them than about you or words to that effect. You seem like a decent person. Please don't blame yourself. I discovered later that my family had lost several nannies quickly. Thinking of you. Get clear, go home. X

I'll give a full update tomorrow. I'm staying in a hostel tonight and fly tomorrow morning. I somehow managed to get 6 months worth of stuff packed but am not looking forward to getting 2 extra large suitcases, a medium suitcase, a laptop case, a large handbag and a small handbag on the tube tomorrow!
I managed to heave it all the way on the train and into the city today though so it's not impossible.

Thank you for all your replies.
I sort of wish I'd just gone on sick leave and claimed some more pay but that would have been really unfair so...yeah

I'm glad you don't have to stay with them tonight. I hope the kindness of strangers comes into play with your luggage. You are almost home. Don't look back. X

Hope you are ok op.

They are fucking insane. I'm glad you got the fuck away from them. I'd have told her she was a fucking lunatic and that I feel sorry for her child with such a bonkers, whacked excuse for a mum. They don't want a nanny, they want a robot or a slave.

How are you doing OP?

I hope you're feeling better - hopefully you feel like there's been a weight off!

This is insanity. While you're looking for another job for gods sake go on an assertiveness course. You have been being used as a door mat. Great for others shit for you. You are too nice by far.

We always have au pairs etc and always make sure that any overtime is given back. Good help is very hard to find. They are total idiots to have done this to you as they will discover to their cost. Karmas going to bite them on the arse big time.

Well done for leaving.
Although next time if they keep delaying a meeting for nearly a month and make you live in the house no separately as agreed and negated all your original contract details then leave.
Enjoy the breathing space and freedom.

How are you doing op? Hope you're settling back home.
They sound absolutely bonkers & you are definitely better off out of it! What an awful time!
I feel for the baby too!
You have done the right thing, I'm sure they would have pushed you to the point that you were verging on unstable (hilarious that MB had a cheek to say that with the way she has been!)

OP, I hope you are okay. I remember feeling very upset after leaving my job; the whole episode felt traumatic. I'm probably too sensitive for my own good but I learned a lot.

oh no! Hope.you're ok

Jesus, I remember reading the first chunk of this and feeling worried for you.
I really hope that you're safe op

I hope you're ok ? xx

Have you confronted your employers about this? Maybe, they're unaware and might be thinking that you're too kind and considerate to the family. It's not bad to let them know what your struggles are.

Hi all,

Thanks for your supportive messages.
Sorry for going slightly AWOL. I took some time out, went to go and stay for a few days with some relatives who live in very rural Somerset to get some headspace. It was nice to not have to worry about anything for a little while.
My anxieties have gotten really bad lately and I've been worrying about the stupidest things.

I'll explain what happened that Monday, I'm sorry if it turns into a novel!

We'd had the meeting just before I went away for the weekend to visit home. I hadn't actually worked since we'd spoken but felt like I'd made my points; that I was feeling undermined and scrutinised unnecessarily, and I didn't need to be micromanaged. This seemed to have been taken on board.

However on Monday (the first time I'd worked since the meeting), it was just the same, if not worse. I can't think of any concrete examples from the morning - but the typical overexplaining, changing what I was doing, controlling behaviour etc.

It came to just past lunch and I had put baby in her pram to go for a nap. She had been awake for just over 2.5 hours and was tired. Too tired to eat her lunch properly and tired enough to cry the moment she was put down (a sure sign she's ready to sleep as she isn't a whinger). 2.5 hours is a decent awake time for her age group and works for her. I had just put her in her pram, she was crying and I was rocking her when Mum comes out and demands that I play with her.
I explain (calmly) that I've already played with her for at least an hour today, and it is time for her nap. She is very tired.
"No." she replies, "I want you to play with her. You need to play with her! You're not playing with her enough!"
I say (super calmly. I didn't once get angry.) "That's fine. If you'd like to get her up and play with her then please do so. But I won't do that. She is tired. You are more than welcome to look after her this morning - and I will go home!"

"You need to listen to me! You need to play with her, I don't have time to play with her. You need to do your job."

"I'm trying to do my job, but you are controlling me again. We have a good schedule that we follow everyday and that's what we're doing. You need to step back and not micromanage me." (so calm, I'm proud)

"I'm not micromanaging you! I'm not trying to control your day at all. I looked at the schedule you showed me and I've rewritten it. I will show it to you tomorrow."

"Rewriting my schedule IS controlling my day."

"I'm the parent and you have to do what I want. You can't just do what you want all day."

"Look, I'm not going to argue with you. You have a very set idea of what you want Baby to be doing during the day. That's fine. But I can't do it anymore. It's not fair."

[she pushes me out of the way to get Baby, picks her up and starts fussing and cooing over her - like she's just been in some massive incident.

"You can't leave. You have to serve your notice."

"I know what my notice is. But I can leave."

God this could go on forever, sorry.
Anyway, I had just hit a complete wall. I wasn't upset. I wasn't angry. But for some reason I just could not bring myself to change what I was doing to accommodate my Boss AGAIN when I knew what I was doing was (also?) the right thing to do.

She said that I was making her life really stressful and difficult.
To which I replied (again not nastily) that the job was making my life really stressful and in fact the doctor wanted to sign me off because of it.

She EXPLODES "how DARE you imply that I'm a bad employer. How DARE you say that I'm causing you stress. You're a liar! I'm not causing you stress. You came into this job psychologically unstable, this isn't because of us. You need to figure out what's going on and fix it if you're anxious"

(my reply "I am. That's why I'm leaving")

"You need to go out more and make friends. Why haven't you learned German yet? You've been here for 7 months and you haven't even learnt German."

"I've not had the time! 12 hours days, 6 days a week and all that time in Switzerland. And I'm doing a degree at the same time. Plus we live really rurally - I can't go anywhere"

"Do you know how lucky you are to finish at 6.30? You have all evening to do whatever you want! And we said you can borrow my car."

"I rarely finish at 6.30 though and then I need to eat and study. And I'm not comfortable using your car too much. You said when I started that I couldn't use it too much because of the insurance."

"Well, you're just lazy. You're clearly more low energy than us. Baby isn't a hard baby is she?"

"Well no, she's lovely. Very easy going."

"Well then! I don't see why you'd be tired just looking after a baby all day. It's not hard to look after a baby all day." (!!!! Yes!!! She actually said this!!!!)

And in the end I just said "Look. I'm not here to have an argument with you. I don't want to argue. It clearly isn't working. I'm going home. Do you need me to work the rest of the week?"

"No! You've made your decision, you can't back out now. Go home! You're not exactly hard to replace. All you do is make my life difficult."

So I went to my living area, packed all my things (somehow!!!), scrubbed the place clean and left that evening. Stayed in a hostel overnight and caught a plane home the next day.
She has since sent me an email asking for photos on my phone of the baby and saying shes "sorry it didn't work out with us. Best of luck in the future"

I told her at various points all of my issues and she brushed them off as me being lazy, unstable, not wanting to do what ALL parents apparently want or just simply being a liar.

Last night was the first night I didn't have a nightmare about her chasing me through the house which is an improvement.

I'm not quite ready to find another job yet, which is pathetic but I feel really anxious about everything at the moment and it wouldn't be fair to take that into a new job.

I also feel enormously guilty. (but so relieved to be home)

I'm sure that was ridiculously long - congrats if you made it all the way through

BTW, I realise that the incident that caused me to leave is such a none incident - I could have just got the baby up from her nap and done as I was told but I'd just had enough.

You'd reached elastic limit. It was her fault not yours. Please don't feel guilty. That situation was not healthy or sustainable. You seem a thoroughly nice person so don't beat yourself up. I'm sure your anxiety will fade now.

Not hard to look after a baby all day...oh dear. She sounded very difficult.

I've just read your thread and well, just, oh my gosh!!!
I agree with passportmess. I hope everything works out for you going forward. It sounds like you are better off out of there!!

If the mother really felt that you were unstable, then she wouldn't have let you continue to look after the baby. She was being spiteful. Take no notice and don't take her words to heart. It's difficult I know. Please take a holiday.

Do you know what my non incident was? My toddler charge had poured juice over the kitchen floor repeatedly so I had to remove the carton from her. She ran off to find her Dad who was doing diy - the family had moved into an unfinished house to save on rent and there were drills lying around. I had to follow her for safety reasons. She told her Dad that I had taken the juice, he looked at me - I explained that the juice was being poured on the floor. He turned to the toddler and said 'we don't tell tales - oh, and that goes for you too passport mess!'

I was 23 years old at the time.

Was the mother a business consultant or similar? She sounds like a 24/7 clever but lacking in common sense control freak type who expects the world to revolve around her very angsty agenda.

It sounds like you were rather magnificent in the final analysis. Well done. .

Well done indeed! You handled that brilliantly in the end (I just wish for your own sake you had managed to end it sooner) - you will make a brilliant nanny when you get a job with a non-control-freak mother.

gosh I'm so glad you got out of that, that sort of insidious constant criticism is very, very damaging, she sounds like a 5* wally. In fact with this last conversation I have no sympathy for her, she's taking whatever stress she has and pushing it onto you, very unfair. Looking after a baby all day isn't hard (chuckles) - she's an unkind wally. I hope she gets the right royal mess around from her next nanny!

It's really knocked my confidence. I'm nervous about going back to work.

I'm heading off to do some solo backpacking next week, as a break between jobs.
My thoughts are that by going somewhere really different will kind of draw a line under the whole episode. The last thing I want to do is bring bad-job-baggage to any new role that I start - it'd be really unfair to the new family.

I'm heading off to Israel next Saturday for 3 weeks - going to tour about Israel, Jordan and Egypt - see what's going on over there.