Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

[ReasonablyIntelligent]

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my Employer as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in my position.

I am contracted to work 48 hours a week, Mon to Fri - I am aware that this is unusually low hours for a Nanny, a week typically being 60, so I am grateful for that.
However, since I started (4 months ago) I have yet to work a 48 hour week.
I live in a granny flat attached to the family home so obviously don't have a commute and am easily accessible.
It started off with Mum asking me if I minded staying an extra half an hour at the end of the day, always very apologetic. So instead of finishing at 5.30/6.00 I would finish at 6.30. Fine, don't mind staying late if she really needs it once in a while.
Now, however, 6.30 seem to be my default finish time, and I actually now consider it to be an early finish as 7.00/7.30 is more common.

This isn't so much "asked" nowadays as "told" and since Christmas there has only been 2 weekends that I've had the full two days off. Most of the Sundays had been booked in advanced - fair enough - but almost every weekend now I've been asked to work "just a few hours" so that the Mum can catch up on work. The problem with this is that we live extremely rurally and I don't have a car* which means I rely on public transport. By working even a few hours - my entire day is taken over, as I have to plan around the time and rarely can go out, in case it'd make me late. I also feel uncomfortable knowing I have to be back for a certain time so generally don't risk going out anyway.

I'm also feeling quite put upon because this extra work that my Boss is having to complete could easily be done in her working hours but she spends a lot of time during the day fussing over me or getting distracted by the baby. She must spend about an hour in 10 minute increments throughout the day just basically faffing with the baby.

*The job I applied for was offering a separate apartment away from the house and a separate car - neither of which actually happened. They had trouble with their first nanny and I think didn't want to make more financial commitment early on (fair enough) and said that it'd be something they look after I'd settled in.

Anyway, sorry for the essay! Am I being completely ungrateful and unreasonable? I feel so trapped (we're in a very rural area in a foreign country where I don't speak the language) as I just don't seem to ever be away from work.

I'll be honest, the money is a big factor.
If I stayed I couldon't retire in 2 years.
But there's also the reference to consider plus I've worked so many bad jobs that I fear if I leave this one, I'll just get into another bad job and be in the same position.

Could not couldn't. sorry

Guess depends if you can work the next two years without many days off burn yourself out but then retire ?

Money is not everything

So I handed in my notice (verbally) this morning.
Funnily enough, it wasn't about the extra hours but because I just can't handle my boss anymore.

She was away on business the last 5 days and the baby and I had such a great time and I felt so relieved not having to constantly look over my shoulder or expect to be scolded/told to do something differently.

I think Boss has, amongst other things, a severe Health Anxiety. She frets constantly over her own health, taking a smorgasbord of tablets every day and going to various doctors, physio, oesteopath appointments every week. If I'm ever mildly ill she'll ply me with tablets and remedies and stern warnings that I need to "be really careful, Reasonably, it could develop into X, Y, Z" when all I have is a headache.
She's like this but 10 million times worse with the baby, covering her in various medicated/herbal creams, making sure that her environment is exactly so, making sure she takes various supplements and drinks fennel tea everyday, the baby monitor is on a special mode so that it doesn't give extra radiation in the room, our phones must be on airplane mode whenever in the same room as the baby, she must be stimulated with at least an hours reading every day and we must play her only classical music, which will aid her brain development... the list goes on.

She'll pop up and correct me during the day, nag me about something on the list, change something I'm doing etc etc which I find really stressful; particularly as I was employed on the basis of my experience and qualifications and she has never had any experience with children at all and is basing everything she gets me to do on what she's read online. If I try and talk to her about any of the things she gets stressy and waves her arms about and inevitably cuts me off or simply walks away.

So last night she came home, about 9.30pm, and wakes up the baby for a cuddle as she hasn't seen her for 5 days. Fair enough, I guess, though I wouldn't have woken a sleeping baby. She then pulls me out of my room to go and fetch the different creams as she begins to stress that the baby is a bit poorly because "she seems a bit off". She notices that the temperature of the room is a few degrees too high (22C rather than 19C which is my bad!) so opens all the windows. She then decides to move the baby back to her little crib in another room so she can sleep in the same room as her. She also places some special oils in water to diffuse because "that chest thing hasn't gone away" (referring to a cold she had 2 weeks ago which I haven't seen any sign of for at least a week, except a bit snuffly when you first wake her up.). I'm finally allowed to go back to my apartment to sleep myself. Baby doesn't go back to sleep until 11.30pm.

Anyway (God, this is long - sorry), this morning she starts to have a go at me about the temperature of the room and tells me that I'm not taking the health and safety of her baby seriously etc etc etc. I apologise about the temperature of the room - that was my genuine mistake - but she carries on. In the end I stop her (which was pretty difficult) and tell her that I think we need to have a proper conversation together with her husband. She starts up again that she can't wait for him to be back from work to discuss health (he works away a lot) and I stop her again and tell her that wasn't what I meant - that I don't think I'm the right nanny for them and I think its best to hand in my notice. "Why do you think that? etc etc" And I try to explain (and I'm super anxious, and sweating and shaking so I don't feel I did very well here) that I'm clearly more laid back in my approach and I find it difficult to keep up with the long list of things she needs me to do for the baby.
She tells me that there's no long list, its very simple "take care of her health. take care of her mental health - that's not a long list - is it? No! I'd expect as a Nanny you'd understand the things that need to be done...etc etc" and then she had to rush off for a, you guessed it, doctors appointment so it was kind of left there.

(If you made it through that novel, well done! I'm very sorry! I feel better for writing it down though).

ps. I've now been working every single day since 14th Feb so I may be babbling slightly because of that!

Oh God, that was so long - perhaps should have started a new thread

So OP

Are you actually working your notice? What are you're plans?

I will definitely work my notice as its absolutely not fair on them to just up and leave, they have a lot of busy work things coming up.

TBH I don't know whats happening as she just upped and walked off before we could really discuss things so we'll need to have a proper talk to work out the details.

My plans are fuzzy - I'm obviously going to have to find another job which I'm dreading as it's very hard to find nice families. I'd already booked to refresh my 1st aid certificate and am doing a Makaton Course next week to add to my CV (quitting has clearly been at the back of my mind for a while!) so my CV should be quite appealing.

I think that's the right call, this employer sounds like a nightmare and you will be much happier somewhere where the parents allow you to actually use your training and experience to provide childcare rather than expecting you to follow slightly unhinged fads all the time. Good luck with job hunting!

Yes I gathered you wouldn't just up and leave I wondered if your period of notice has begun. How long do you have?

Technically I'm contracted to only provide 2 weeks notice at present (so the 22nd March).
However, they have a lot of trips planned so I guess it would be fair to say the end of May to accommodate this.

For me, the next two months won't be too difficult as the Mum is away a lot (aforementioned trips) which is part of the reason I thought I could stick it out for the long term, my theory being that she would get less anxious as the baby gets older.

But I only "have" to stay for 2 weeks, so I guess I'll see what comes out of the discussion.

She sounds horrendous!! Glad you now have a way out.

Think you have made the right choice. She sounds nutty and hard to work for

Why only 2 weeks notice? Can't rem if you signed a contract? Giving to end of may is a long time 2.5 months - 10 weeks

How old is the baby? Ball park?

Honestly, I would put your thoughts on the role and position in writing and send it to both parents giving the reasons for your resignation. It's a last opportunity to salvage things.

They haven't honoured your contracted hours and while you are happy to do overtime and occasional loco parentis weekends, you haven't had a day off in a month, you are exhausted and there is no change to that in sight.

You were contractually promised a car which has not materialised.

Your working conditions leave you feeling undermined and stressed and you feel that your professional qualifications and extensive experience are not accepted or given credence. Fundamentally you have a different mutual approach to parenting their child which you don't see changing to a point where you could continue in their employment.

Make it clear that you think the child is the best thing since sliced bread and that you will be leaving by X date, which is x days longer than your contractual notice period in recognition that they have a busy period ahead.

I would also state that by agreeing to an extended notice period, the obligation is mutual and should they find a replacement nanny at an earlier point, you will expect to be paid the full extended notice period as you will honour it.

If they run away from the last bit then you have your cue which is to find a new position asap.

tread thank you, that's brilliant. I'll be plagiarising heavily from you I think!

It's utterly bizarre now because she's acting like everything is okay and has just gone and booked me health insurance appointments whilst I was out with the baby... and then had to rush off for a call whilst I tried to talk to her again...

To clarify during my probation we have to give each other 2 weeks notice.
After probation (27th April) we have to give each other 3 months notice.

(and baby is 7 months)

Then I would give 2 weeks notice. As stated in contract

Blondes - there are two issues with that, one for them and one for me.
If I were to leave in 2 weeks they'd be stuck in a foreign country with a lot of work commitments and no nanny. A temp nanny is not a likely option.
MY personal issue (though I'd overlook this if necessary) is that I've already booked a couple of flights home until Mid-April so these would be wasted (non-refundable) if I left in 2 weeks. This isn't the end of the world but there's no pressing reason I need to leave in 2 weeks.

I thought that might be the case. She's pretending that all is ok and hoping that if she doesn't mention the 22 degree thing again that you'll reconsider.

Genuinely it does sound like she has issues and they are spilling over to the care of her child, but making life untenable for you in their home. And the no down time is actually going to make you ill. If you are not well rested you are going to be in no shape ill or not to look after her child.

I've employed a nanny in the past. As a new mum it is a) very reassuring to be in the hands of an expert but b) it can also contribute to feelings of inadequacy and it sounds almost as though she is avoiding time with her child in the evenings [understandable as they are often tired and cranky so it's frankly the least rewarding time with them] and it's becoming a vicious circle.

You don't sound like you are going to be very comfortable pointing out all these issues verbally on a face to face basis so I'd start with a well crafted note which makes it clear that it is an actual resignation. I'd also make a list of what you want because if they come back to you saying that we'll do anything to keep you, you need that ready.

She sounds a bit unhinged but not negligent and it's in the interests of the child to have continuity of care, so I'd make an effort to lay out what needs to change with the implication that the next nanny is going to have the same issues.

If they have an extremely busy period coming up, what does happen if you get ill? Given the hours you are already doing, I would suggest looking for a weekend or part time nanny so you have some emergency cover.

Firstly I apologise about the name change mid-thread. I'm still me!

So Boss and I disagreed again earlier as I was about to take baby out for a walk but she wanted me to stay in and play with her. I explained that we were going to have 45 mins of tummy time after the walk so that she would be tired for her nap, she became really resigned and lethargic and just let me go, but cuddled baby first really sadly - which made me feel really guilty for some reason - This is a bit of a simple description but I didn't want to go on and on, the key points are that we mentined having a talk again and she seemed really sad.
Later in the day she calls up my bank to sort out getting another bank card for me, which is something I had mentioned before and then early this evening she is telling me about things we will be doing in May .

Just as I handed baby over for the night, Boss comes and lies down on the floor next to baby in her bedroom - then asks me if I want to have the talk now? (Er...whilst lying on the floor with the baby?) or tomorrow, her husband will be home tomorrow evening. I said tomorrow would be great so we've scheduled a "talk" tomorrow with her and her husband. I don't think she thinks I was being serious about resigning.

Her husband is the CEO of a really huge company and is excellent in these meetings - his English is almost perfect (hers is very very good but sometimes I think she misunderstands me) and he is very neutral (though I feel leans to my side slightly in previous discussions). He's also very good and stopping her from ranting and giving me space to make my points and clarifying my points - so I'm very keen for him to be there!

But I'm completely stuck as to what to say in this meeting. I'm serious about the resignation but if we could work things out that would obviously be wonderful.
Both my Mum and my best friend think she has PND/PNA and is feeling guilty for not being with baby all the time, so is channelling this via me - if that makes sense.
Is there a way of even resolving that kind of problem? The last thing I want to do is offend her, she is actually a really nice lady, just a bit health-mad.

Advice has been excellent so far so thank you!

She sounds bonkers!

Don't worry too much about the meeting. Keep to the basic facts and don't feel that you have to embellish on them or give numerous examples. You can write it down beforehand.

It's better to say too little than to whiter on too much or to try and fill in any gaps in the conversation.

If they make any proposals make sure you give yourself plenty of time to consider them. If you don't want to make any immediate decisions then tell them that you would like to think about things and that you will get back to them the following day or whenever.

Make sure you have a good read of your contract beforehand.

Good luck.

It might be really handy to set out your preferred routine on paper so it's all down in black and white. If you have time, it's also worth showing how that will change in 3 months as the baby starts to drop a nap and get more mobile?

It's a) confidence inspiring and b) easier for the Mum to see where there are suitable slots for her to spend time with her child during the day if she wants to read war and peace for an hour

But your main challenge needs to be their timekeeping and your time off. They are royally taking the piss now. If they want a nanny on call 24x7 then they need to pay for 2, it's as simple as that.

We are wiping her bum in soft tissues dipped in warm camomile tea because she has nappy rash. I'm clearly on to a losing battle here and this talk tonight is not going to go well

Wow. I could not do this job even if I was being paid an absolute fortune. I'm sorry OP but I just don't think it's resolvable. Her expectations are completely unrealistic and unreasonable.

We are wiping her bum in soft tissues dipped in warm camomile tea because she has nappy rash. I'm clearly on to a losing battle here and this talk tonight is not going to go well

I've seen lots of people on MN recommend it as a solution Generally goes out the window with child No 2. No nappy wipes and metanium cream works better imo but each to their own.