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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

212 replies

ReasonablyIntelligent · 18/02/2016 17:45

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my Employer as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in my position.

I am contracted to work 48 hours a week, Mon to Fri - I am aware that this is unusually low hours for a Nanny, a week typically being 60, so I am grateful for that.
However, since I started (4 months ago) I have yet to work a 48 hour week.
I live in a granny flat attached to the family home so obviously don't have a commute and am easily accessible.
It started off with Mum asking me if I minded staying an extra half an hour at the end of the day, always very apologetic. So instead of finishing at 5.30/6.00 I would finish at 6.30. Fine, don't mind staying late if she really needs it once in a while.
Now, however, 6.30 seem to be my default finish time, and I actually now consider it to be an early finish as 7.00/7.30 is more common.

This isn't so much "asked" nowadays as "told" and since Christmas there has only been 2 weekends that I've had the full two days off. Most of the Sundays had been booked in advanced - fair enough - but almost every weekend now I've been asked to work "just a few hours" so that the Mum can catch up on work. The problem with this is that we live extremely rurally and I don't have a car* which means I rely on public transport. By working even a few hours - my entire day is taken over, as I have to plan around the time and rarely can go out, in case it'd make me late. I also feel uncomfortable knowing I have to be back for a certain time so generally don't risk going out anyway.

I'm also feeling quite put upon because this extra work that my Boss is having to complete could easily be done in her working hours but she spends a lot of time during the day fussing over me or getting distracted by the baby. She must spend about an hour in 10 minute increments throughout the day just basically faffing with the baby.

*The job I applied for was offering a separate apartment away from the house and a separate car - neither of which actually happened. They had trouble with their first nanny and I think didn't want to make more financial commitment early on (fair enough) and said that it'd be something they look after I'd settled in.

Anyway, sorry for the essay! Am I being completely ungrateful and unreasonable? I feel so trapped (we're in a very rural area in a foreign country where I don't speak the language) as I just don't seem to ever be away from work.

OP posts:
Pico2 · 23/03/2016 22:05

It really isn't worth it for the odd Lindt bunny.

I think that people treating employees poorly often drop in the odd treat, more to convince themselves that they are a pleasant employer than the other way.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 24/03/2016 11:35

You need to leave, they aren't treating you right and you deserve now

littleladyluna · 24/03/2016 11:42

I've just read from start to finish - wow.

OP, what you've described here is not a unique reaction to a set of circumstances (mum becoming anxious after having baby). These are set behaviours that were likely present before the baby was born and now mum has a puppet to control they are really starting to show.

I've nannied for a long time, abroad and to VIPs. I've experienced this level of health anxiety (point blank refusal to allow me written permission to administer medication, only to give me packets and packets of homeopathic remedies with instructions in a foreign language, and expectations of giving children enemas and daily nasal saline rinses). They either respect you as a professional or they don't. When they don't you tell yourself that they pay you plenty of money, and you can deal with anything they throw at you. It damages you. You lose pieces of yourself. You begin to feel inferior to them because they have enough money and control to make you feel that way.

The baby is not being abused. It is not your responsibility to fix this situation. In your shoes I would craft a polite email explaining all the reasons you find your current situation untenable, and tell them you're handing in your 2 weeks notice. They may try and salvage things, and that is your call to make as to whether you'd be happy to accept the proposed changes. If they let you go you have provided them with the necessary information to self evaluate and make better choices/be better employers next time. As expat said, not your circus.

WickedGirl · 24/03/2016 16:23

This is a classical abuse relationship

They chuck in a few nice bits to keep you on board but treat you appallingly the rest of the time. Bit by bit they are controlling you and you are allowing them to do it by minimising it

If it was a member of your family or your best friend in this scenario what would you be advising them to do?

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 24/03/2016 21:31

Honestly, I'd advise them to stand their ground in the meeting and have clear expectations for what they want to change. If the parent's refuse to make the changes, or say they will and then don't follow through then I'd advice that best friend/family member leave.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going in with a clear list of things that I need to be changed in order for me to be able to do the job effectively. I will also go in with my written notice to present should they be unwilling/unable to make these changes.
I'm also going to ensure my probation is extended so that I have an adequate amount of time to see the changes be put in place and maintained before I go past the mark of having to give 3 months notice.

I'm trying to come up with a simple list of those expectations, which I need to work on and haven't really had the time. We're driving back from Switzerland tomorrow and I have the weekend off so I'll have more time then but off the top of my head:

  1. No limitation placed upon when/how long Nanny and baby can leave house (within reason)

  2. Nanny is left to take responsibility for the day-to-day care without interference or criticism
    2)b) Feedback is more than welcome but needs to be presented constructively and not "drip-fed" throughout the working day, but instead bought up at a mutually convenient time

  3. Overtime during weekends (excluding when abroad) should be restricted unless, of course, in the case of an emergency

Those probably aren't very well thought out but its a start!

**It really should be noted that I'm more than prepared to hand in my notice should the meeting not be successful. I don't say this in a stroppy way but I can't live like this for much longer.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2016 22:04

'Honestly, I'd advise them to stand their ground in the meeting and have clear expectations for what they want to change. '

You would? That's shocking.

You seem determined to stay with these abusive people. You have Stockholm Syndrome.

Best of luck.

Pico2 · 24/03/2016 23:06

The OP was responding to this question:

If it was a member of your family or your best friend in this scenario what would you be advising them to do?

Not talking about the parents.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 27/03/2016 16:56

Hi all,
I'm trying to work on my list of "expectations" or whatever you want to call them to go into this meeting on Tuesday - any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I know that the general consensus is that I should just resign but I feel like I should at least attempt to fix things before making such a permanent decision. I will be extending my probation so I don't get trapped in the 3 months notice.

I broke up with my boyfriend today, we hadn't been seeing each other for long so its not really a big deal but that has removed the only connection I had in this country (though he was maybe moving to London so it was never a set thing anyway).

Anyway, any advice appreciated.
Please be gentle. I've had a really shit day.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/03/2016 17:18

So sorry to hear your crappy news 💐

Have you got a way you could pass them a list of what you want to discuss before the meeting? A list of five points so that you don't have any knee jerk reactions in the discussion, just a proper discussion?

  1. Implementation of overtime- notice of minimum 24 hours unless emergency
  2. Expectations of nanny duties/daily planning
  3. Feedback of criticism
  4. Hygiene standards
  5. Expectations of free time
Pico2 · 27/03/2016 17:19

You need the car you were promised. Give a time frame for it - perhaps a week. Including car seat and permission to drive the baby. And allowed to use it for personal use in time off.

Be allowed to take the baby out for X hours a day, with a kitty for activities and be allowed to do Y number of activities a week.

2 evenings babysitting a week, otherwise you finish at 6pm. Max 1 weekend in 4. Or something like that.

Continue to be able to give 2 weeks notice for a further 3 months and then for negotiation.

Not to be shouted at. Ever.

Do you want the separate flat?

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 27/03/2016 17:58

Thank you

Honestly, I would like a separate flat in the long term - this was the original job description and in my apartment I can hear EVERYTHING in their house, plus there's a really complicated alarm system that has to be set every night so I always have to be in by a certain time/they know where I am etc etc plus I can never have friends over.
However, if I stay, we'll be going to New York for 4 months in the Autumn so I can understand why they wouldn't want to fork out for a flat (or a car, I guess) until after that.

I've written all of your suggestions down, thank you.

At the moment I feel sick at the thought of another confrontation. There were better times to break up with someone I think! (It was me that did it though, so I only have myself to blame!)

Pico2 · 27/03/2016 18:17

They can rent you a car and possibly get a short term lease on a flat. They need to cough up if they want you to stay. You aren't asking for anything that they didn't offer in the first place. You need to stop being so understanding. Would you be ok with them not paying 1/3 of your pay? That is effectively what they are doing and they've made themselves massive savings already, so can afford to spend a bit more in the next few months.

Will you get a flat in NY? What was the original agreement for those 4 months?

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 27/03/2016 19:40

This is true, we'll talk about it then.

I'll be sharing a flat with Mum Boss for the 4 months in NY; it's being provided by her employer. Can't say I'm looking forward to it hugely but we share in Switzerland and its not actually that bad, she's fine when I'm off duty.

littleladyluna · 28/03/2016 12:42

Yes, stop being so understanding. Ultimately, what is there to understand? They are super wealthy and you are their staff, to whom they offered a job under certain terms. All you want are they things they promised to start with.

As far as confrontation - feel the fear and do it anyway. Think about how good it will feel to get answers in comparison to this limbo.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 28/03/2016 20:14

Yes, so true. Thank you.
I was off sick today, I was so poorly this morning, not sure why.
I keep reminding myself that the worse possible outcome is having to leave! Which is what I want anyway...

Thank you so much to everyone for your support (even the tough love posts!) it really really has helped.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 30/03/2016 09:02

Meeting moved to this morning.
I'm sat waiting right now whilst Dad Boss finished a phone call.
I actually think I'm in danger of my all my organs forcibly trying to escape my body. I feel physically ill.

The reason we're having it this morning is they said that they needed more time to go over everything and last night after the baby is in bed wouldn't be long enough.
I have no idea what they want to go over.
It can't be sacking me as you don't need longer than an hour to fire someone.
I spotted their list this morning but it's all in another language so that's no good.
I have no idea why I'm so sick about it, I'm the one who wants to leave... gah! Grin

Pico2 · 30/03/2016 09:29

Good luck. Just remember that you don't have to stay and whatever they throw at you is about them, not you.

HeffalumpHistory · 30/03/2016 10:04

Good luck!
I really hope you do stand your ground, or give the notice! Flowers

Shapebandit · 30/03/2016 10:15

Good luck!

BriocheBriocheBrioche · 30/03/2016 10:48

Good luck in the meeting!

LifeCrossRoad · 30/03/2016 10:55

Hope the meeting went better than thought or you've handed in your notice

dinkystinky · 30/03/2016 14:24

Really hope you've handed in your notice now OP. The stress of the impending meeting (which I hope you've had now) is clearly getting to you - and that's simply not right. Her parents will not change - they have subtly (or not so subtly) moved the goal posts since you've been recruited and will continue to do so for so long as you're willing to put up with it.

QOD · 30/03/2016 15:28

Jeez.

ElleGrace · 30/03/2016 18:17

Just read through this entire thread... I feel terrible for you OP
I don't think you're suffering from Stockholm syndrome at all, I think you're a nice person who sees the good in people and doesn't want to leave anyone in a difficult situation by leaving before giving things a real good chance.
Looking forward to hearing how everything went with the meeting.
Take care! Brew Cake

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 30/03/2016 19:32

Hi, sorry for the delay. I'm at the airport now so I have a little time.
We eventually had the meeting and the wait was somewhat positive as my body finally ran out of adrenaline and I was much calmer by the time we got there. Though I had a serious case of the shakes and a dry mouth, you can't win them all.

First things first, I didn't hand in my notice. I still feel like there is something to salvage, they are nice people, the baby is lovely, its good money and no job is perfect - I still stand by this as being one of the better jobs I've had!

It's a bit of a mixed bag, I didn't get across everything I wanted as strongly as I liked (though I did my absolute best) and I haven't come out of the meeting with a completely improved job; it's going to be a work in progress which I think is fair.

The Dad was fantastic, listened to everything I said and mediated brilliantly. He was very supportive. The Mum was mostly calm and seemed to take what I had to say on board.

We've agreed that I can go to more playgroups/activities, though this is sadly still limited to 3 a week. I didn't discuss the car, I will do this with the Dad separately at another time. I do not need one for the next month anyway as we're either in Switzerland or I'm on vacation.

I told them that I was unhappy and stressed in the role as it stands and feel that I'm not given enough freedom or autonomy and that I'm heavily (and unnecessarily) criticised throughout the day. The Dad in particular was very supportive of this and I think they're going to discuss it further without me. In the mean time, they agreed to back off and this is one of the things only time will tell.

In regards to the going out for a maximum 2 hours a day the Mum said this:
Going out with the baby at the moment means being in the buggy or held; which restricts her movement significantly. They want her to spend as much time as possible on the floor where she is waving her arms and legs, rolling over and "crawling" (at the moment, flailing around like a dying fish and coincidentally moving at the same time) thus the outdoor trips are limited. Mum is also afraid of the "hazardous" (her words) illnesses that go around (eg. Measles, Mumps etc etc) so doesn't want her integrating with other children excessively though says she recognises the importance of socialisation and outside stimulation. (Thus why we are allowed the 3 trips a week). Baby cannot have her MMR vaccine until June.

We have extended my probation period to the end of June. Mum didn't seem happy by this, she seemed quite offended actually. Dad was fine with it, though his main concern was the time and expense needed to arrange me going to New York with them in Autumn, which obviously would be wasted if I were to up and leave.

SO - their main arguement for not going outside is the movement thing, which I guess is fair enough. I'll push for more baby groups over time, this will be easier when the weather is better and after the vaccine.
The silver lining to this is that this excuse has an expiry date; as soon as baby begins to walk - there is no excuse to stay indoors all day.

IF Mum starts to treat me better day to day, then I'm hoping I can stick out house arrest until the aforementioned excuse expiry.
With my probation period being the end of June, I have a good amount of time to see if things have changed and am no worse off than I was a month ago regarding handing in my notice - I can still do it.

We have agreed to meet regularly to discuss the ongoing issues with autonomy and getting out more. I've also written down our routine (which includes 2.5/3 hours a day playing indoors PLUS a walk PLUS some kind of going out activity in the afternoon) which she is going to look at then amend and discuss with me.

I'm sorry that was so long, but I think I summed up most of it!
If you've stuck with me this far - thank you so much! The support has been invaluable.