Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

[ReasonablyIntelligent]

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my Employer as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in my position.

I am contracted to work 48 hours a week, Mon to Fri - I am aware that this is unusually low hours for a Nanny, a week typically being 60, so I am grateful for that.
However, since I started (4 months ago) I have yet to work a 48 hour week.
I live in a granny flat attached to the family home so obviously don't have a commute and am easily accessible.
It started off with Mum asking me if I minded staying an extra half an hour at the end of the day, always very apologetic. So instead of finishing at 5.30/6.00 I would finish at 6.30. Fine, don't mind staying late if she really needs it once in a while.
Now, however, 6.30 seem to be my default finish time, and I actually now consider it to be an early finish as 7.00/7.30 is more common.

This isn't so much "asked" nowadays as "told" and since Christmas there has only been 2 weekends that I've had the full two days off. Most of the Sundays had been booked in advanced - fair enough - but almost every weekend now I've been asked to work "just a few hours" so that the Mum can catch up on work. The problem with this is that we live extremely rurally and I don't have a car* which means I rely on public transport. By working even a few hours - my entire day is taken over, as I have to plan around the time and rarely can go out, in case it'd make me late. I also feel uncomfortable knowing I have to be back for a certain time so generally don't risk going out anyway.

I'm also feeling quite put upon because this extra work that my Boss is having to complete could easily be done in her working hours but she spends a lot of time during the day fussing over me or getting distracted by the baby. She must spend about an hour in 10 minute increments throughout the day just basically faffing with the baby.

*The job I applied for was offering a separate apartment away from the house and a separate car - neither of which actually happened. They had trouble with their first nanny and I think didn't want to make more financial commitment early on (fair enough) and said that it'd be something they look after I'd settled in.

Anyway, sorry for the essay! Am I being completely ungrateful and unreasonable? I feel so trapped (we're in a very rural area in a foreign country where I don't speak the language) as I just don't seem to ever be away from work.

Well if she hasn't gotten the message in the morning, 6 hours should do it!

Sorry you are stressed !

It has the potential to be a very awkward car journey!
I've been getting a lot of support, both here and from friends/family (which I feel very lucky about) which is helping.

Good luck!

How did it go op?

Hi,
Sorry for the delay - I was back at home in the UK (drinking and moaning mostly ).
Unsurprisingly, they cancelled the meeting AGAIN. I couldn't get them to have it as planned and of course you can't force someone to talk to you when they don't want to!
I've still held off from handing in my written notice as I think that would add an air of finality which wouldn't lend itself to sorting things out.
However, if we can't sort things out I will hand in my notice on the spot in the meeting - which is now scheduled for early next week (29th/30th March) - so I kind of have it to "fall back on" so to speak.
I was really angry about it being cancelled again at the time as I had no sleep the night before and was physically sick all morning with anxiety - and it felt like a waste of angst!
But a small part of me is relieved and I do think that I will be calmer and more pragmatic now I've had some time to think, and some time to relax at home. Though that may be because its not crunch time yet!

One thing to note, however, I did manage to snatch a couple of seconds chat with the Dad who told me that "the one thing Mum Boss and I agree on is that we want you out of the house for a MAXIMUM of 2 hours a day".
Note that this hour or so is only allowed walking in the local forest - not going into town etc.

To me this is extremely unreasonable and i'm glad he set that down as I have something concrete to work on I think.

Thanks again for everyone's support.

Look, this woman and her health problems are not your job. They are making it impossible for you to do your job. Again, this is not your problem. Please put yourself first and hand in your notice. There will be no talk and she will continue to dominate and take advantage of you.

You sound like a slave rather than a nanny.

This boss is completely unreasonable and it's not your position to sort her out.

Get the hell out of there quickly.

'"the one thing Mum Boss and I agree on is that we want you out of the house for a MAXIMUM of 2 hours a day".
Note that this hour or so is only allowed walking in the local forest - not going into town etc.

To me this is extremely unreasonable and i'm glad he set that down as I have something concrete to work on I think. '

They want a captive, not an employee. If you were my daughter, I would be fucking livid at how you are being treated. They are taking great advantage of you. Fuck that. NO ONE deserves that.

the situation appears to be growing in its intensity- what did you say to the maximum two hours out the house? Is this every day it only days you are contracted to work?

I think you are in danger of either over working yourself to the point where you won't be able to function safely, or the family are going to keep ramping up the expectations to the point where you are going to be in dark murky waters- it doesn't even sound like they view you as an employee? More like a person they have bought and have infinite power over.

They want a captive, not an employee. If you were my daughter, I would be fucking livid at how you are being treated. They are taking great advantage of you. Fuck that. NO ONE deserves that.

This!

The situation sounds very intense & like they want to keep both you & the baby isolated. Very concerning.
I think you should hand in your notice regardless!

I'm definitely going to hand in my notice if they don't revoke that. I would have done already but I would rather keep it in reserve in case we can work things out, but I will have it on me, in writing, at the meeting to hand over if they cannot agree to allow me more freedom and autonomy at work.

I'm feeling a lot healthier at the moment, since having a break the last 4 days (though 2 of them were at a course! doh!) as last week I was actually starting to have (very minor) panic attacks.
I do not want to feel like that again and no job is worth it. I miss my friends and family desperately so unless they agree to allow me to do my job, I will leave.

The thing is, Not, is there won't be a meeting. They have already been pushing it back and fobbing you off. All they have done is put more and more barriers in place to hem you in - no car, ramping up the hours, the 2-hours out rule, with 1 hour being out on a walk with the baby, fobbing off your concerns, procrastinating on the meeting.

This is already making you sick. NO job is worth that. Truly not.

They don't want an employee, they want a slave/robot.

Get the fuck away from them. They don't deserve chances. What they are doing isn't just taking advantage, it's abusive.

OP I have been in the exact same situation you are in now, only the kids were older and much more of a handful.

Yes, the money is great and the idea you can retire/buy a property back home after X amount of time is a huge carrot that you tell yourself is worth all the shit you're putting up with, but believe me, it absolutely is not.

I continued being a live-in slave for an increasingly unreasonable Boss for the best part of 2 years and it almost broke me. I was so isolated and lonely, and my mental health began to suffer. I haven't regretted leaving for a single second.

I highly recommend you get out whilst you still have your sanity. These people will only become more and more demanding and unreasonable, and treat you less and less like a human being and more and more like an item of their personal property to be used and abused as they see fit.

There are far less damaging ways to earn good money.

Agree with expat that they are abusive. I went from an abusive relationship with my EXH straight into an abusive relationship with my employers. Years of conditioning by EXH meant I didn't recognise the behaviour quickly enough and wasn't confident enough to stand up for myself and set clear boundaries from the start.

I cannot stress this enough. GET OUT NOW.

I'm not sure they're abusive, they have done a lot of nice things for me as well. I think they are just very anxious and are very blinkered by it.

We didn't get a chance to talk about the max 2 hours a day thing (though that's their version of a compromise!) but it will be the theme of the discussion next week.
No Nanny I know (or parent for that matter) would be able to handle having such a time limit imposed on their outdoor time every single day, and no one would agree that it is healthy/stimulating for the baby to boot. I have very good grounds for that one.
Though I was talking to my best friend about it yesterday and she thinks that they are just going to say "We don't want you out longer than 2 hours" and will brush off my arguments - in which case, again, I will just leave.

If they cancel the appointment again - I will just give my 2 weeks notice. By that point it will be almost a month since the original "talk".

I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that Mum Boss just wants to look after her own baby (which is why she wants her in the house all day) and there's nothing wrong with that - but if that's the case, she needs to do it herself rather than impose so many rules and restrictions on an employee.

NotAnother you've nailed it about the mum wanting to look after her own baby but that doesn't excuse their nutcase behaviour: - Ask them 'Please explain the reasons you think it's in the interests of your child and your nanny to be limited to a maximum of 2 hours out of the house'
You should go on to say that in your training and previous experience such a request is unprecedented and without a foundation in normal childcare arrangements. These people sound as though they are used to having their word taken as gospel but they do not know what they are doing - they're floundering with the baby. Be clear that you are the expert on childcare, not them, I'd make this point several times as eventually they ought to be able to understand that they aren't actually in the best situation to judge what's best. Bonkers. I've never heard of limiting people's outdoor time...

I mean I think it just could be the mum being super controlling and wanting maximum opportunities to waltz in and cuddle the baby (I understand, I wfh myself and the main benefit is being able to pop in and see the kids) but I'd never tell my nanny she couldn't go out for 10 hours a day so I could maintain the chance of doing this at all times - it's totally nuts. The mum needs to figure out that if she wants to see her baby more she needs to work less at set times.

Just because they are sometimes nice, doesn't mean they aren't abusive. Please leave this appalling situation for your own wellbeing op.

They are stringing you along with the meeting, probably because they know that you are likely to give them notice after the meeting. They know they have a busy May, so need you. But clearly they either have insufficient understanding of how poorly they are treating you, or just don't care.

Are you in a country where lots of the nannies are from less economically developed countries?

And how do they treat their housekeeper?

There are very very few nannies in the country that I work in. It's not really in the culture, there are a lot of Au Pairs.

I think they treat the housekeeper well but we don't speak each others language (and I don't speak the native language, though she does) so I don't hear what is being said to her nor can I communicate with her either. She has been there for a very long time though (I think at least 5 years) and they often comment on how "diligent" she is (normally when scolding me over something, I'm thinking of the time I dropped a crisp without realising in the kitchen and the Mum had to pick it up - cue 15 minute lecture on diligence ) so they've certainly made me know she's valued.

Bet they don't dictate how many hours a day she can spend away from their home each day.

Do you realise how fucked up these people are? Oh, and the comparisons they make between you and her, the lectures, scolding you like a child? Those are designed to wear you down, wear down your confidence, make you doubt yourself and the job you are doing, confuse you. It's a classic abuse tactic, too, as well as doing something nice every now and again. This is why people get hooked into situations/relationships like this. It's not overnight and the people are not monsters to look at.

Have your friends and family really not pointed this out to you? I would were you my friend.

Lost my temper with Mum Boss this morning.
She was basically trying to micromanage my morning and tell me how to do my job AGAIN so I kind of lost it and said (not shouted but distinct stressed voice) "I know. I'm a Nanny. It's my job. I've been doing it for years!" and then stormed out of the kitchen. In my defence she was being really patronising.

I later apologised for losing my temper and she also apologised and said "I shouldn't have talked to you like that" so I guess things are OK but bring on this meeting next week! I think I needed to lose it though, I'm not a temper loser at all so I think she was a bit shocked!

I'm wondering about suggesting that after the semester has ended (end of May) and her workload has decreased significantly that she take some time to be sole charge with the baby. My original thought is 2 months! But someone suggested she'd be done after 2 weeks. I think a month is a good amount.

She's had a Nanny from Day 1 and with the exception of the odd weekend, has always had someone on hand (me, housekeeper, family etc) to help out and I think she NEEDS (and really wants!) to spend some quality time taking sole charge of her own child so that she can relax, bond with her and - yes - get an understanding of what looking after a baby in the long term is like and what is and isn't feasible. At the moment she's had very little one-on-one time with the child and I think she's still very tense and anxious about her.

What do people think of me suggesting that?

Why on earth should you suggest that?? It's none of your business if she never spends any time with her child for the next 18 years!

She is not your problem to solve. Yet again you're putting her needs before your own.

Who gives a shit if she's never parented? It's her choice.

You talk about her as if she's a child.

You need to get the fuck out of there. NOW.

I couldn't care less whether she has parented or not, I absolutely do not judge her choice to work in any way.
But in this particular case, the fact that she has no experience with her child (ie. she hasn't had time to become comfortable with her) is affecting her behaviour towards me and me doing my job.
She WANTS to be a working parent, she loves her career and that's absolutely fantastic but she's going to go through Nannies like tissues if she doesn't calm down - spending time with her baby to become less anxious seems like a good way to achieve this.
All first time parents go through the panic stages because they're anxious - there are numerous PFB threads about this very topic. But once people get more experienced and comfortable with their children, this calms down. But in this circumstance, she is not getting that time to become comfortable.

I'm not treating her like a child. Admittedly I shouldn't have stormed off but she was waving her arms around and scolding me because I was preparing breakfast (for a very hungry baby) rather than playing with her first (which we do after breakfast).

What annarose said.

This woman is not your friend and is not your responsibility. She is your employer and she is treating you very badly. You are an idiot for not having handed in your notice yet. I suspect that your employers know full well that they are mistreating you and selected you for the job because you clearly don't have the strength of character to stand up for yourself. Are you going to grow a spine or continue to be a doormat?