Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

[ReasonablyIntelligent]

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my Employer as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in my position.

I am contracted to work 48 hours a week, Mon to Fri - I am aware that this is unusually low hours for a Nanny, a week typically being 60, so I am grateful for that.
However, since I started (4 months ago) I have yet to work a 48 hour week.
I live in a granny flat attached to the family home so obviously don't have a commute and am easily accessible.
It started off with Mum asking me if I minded staying an extra half an hour at the end of the day, always very apologetic. So instead of finishing at 5.30/6.00 I would finish at 6.30. Fine, don't mind staying late if she really needs it once in a while.
Now, however, 6.30 seem to be my default finish time, and I actually now consider it to be an early finish as 7.00/7.30 is more common.

This isn't so much "asked" nowadays as "told" and since Christmas there has only been 2 weekends that I've had the full two days off. Most of the Sundays had been booked in advanced - fair enough - but almost every weekend now I've been asked to work "just a few hours" so that the Mum can catch up on work. The problem with this is that we live extremely rurally and I don't have a car* which means I rely on public transport. By working even a few hours - my entire day is taken over, as I have to plan around the time and rarely can go out, in case it'd make me late. I also feel uncomfortable knowing I have to be back for a certain time so generally don't risk going out anyway.

I'm also feeling quite put upon because this extra work that my Boss is having to complete could easily be done in her working hours but she spends a lot of time during the day fussing over me or getting distracted by the baby. She must spend about an hour in 10 minute increments throughout the day just basically faffing with the baby.

*The job I applied for was offering a separate apartment away from the house and a separate car - neither of which actually happened. They had trouble with their first nanny and I think didn't want to make more financial commitment early on (fair enough) and said that it'd be something they look after I'd settled in.

Anyway, sorry for the essay! Am I being completely ungrateful and unreasonable? I feel so trapped (we're in a very rural area in a foreign country where I don't speak the language) as I just don't seem to ever be away from work.

I should elaborate - the mum woke her up from her afternoon nap and then blamed the nappy rash as to why she was then crying. She decided that she should remain indoors all day (it's 12C outside and sunny) and should spend all afternoon nappy free and only nap when she's so exhausted we have no choice. The water wipes I was using were snatched from me and she pushed me out of the way to change the nappy herself, sending me off to get a bowl of water and soft tissues (which she insists we use rather than the water wipes always, despite baby being almost 8 months old).
The housekeeper then comes up with the camomile tea.
Baby was very unhappy (as she was over an hour overdue her nap by this point) but mum insisted she stay awake, on her belly without a nappy as sleeping would involve having a nappy on.

I should point out that nappy rash is mild to moderate at worst and is there because baby has mild diarrhoea (spelling?).

It has now been 3 hours since baby should have napped and she's frantic. Finally convinced Mum that whilst nappy free time is excellent for nappy rash, she needs to sleep and having a nappy on for an hour will make.little difference. Mum reluctant to agree but had to go off to a medical appointment (her 3rd today).

Whilst I'm sure cam tea is fab, this seems to be a massive over reaction to me.

She sounds incredibly anxious poor woman.

Re the wipes. If she wants you to wipe her child's backside with fairy dust and fairy liquid then to some extent you have to suck it up. It's her child and she is paying your salary. There is no excuse for elbowing you out of her way though.

After working for a month straight I doubt very much that you are in a really tolerant / patient frame of mind and it must be totally exasperating to have your perfectly competent care interfered with and routines f**ked up.

It is her first child though and she doesn't sound well so your choices are

to state your incompatibility and leave
cut her some slack and see if the neuroticism improves with time [subject to improvements in your working conditions generally]
have a word with her or her husband about her levels of anxiety.

I agree she sounds as though she's got PND and not coping with her work schedule - I feel sorry for both of you. In my crazier moments and in crazier jobs I can imagine being like this - the mum lilkely spends a lot of time dementedly googling 'solutions' to her baby's 'problems' when she's stuck on trips/at work. Not sure what you can do except see if the Dad can acknowledge that she's got to get a grip. It's a shame the room got a tiny bit too hot because she'll pin all of her unreasonable demands on that evidence. I'd be tempted to flat out say that they need an auxiliary nanny for the ad hoc extra hours - you can't unfortunately suggest that the mum works less, although that's probably what needs to happen.

I know, this is part of the reason why I haven't left sooner she's a lovely woman and I get on with her well, if she was just a controlling loon I'd have left months ago but she's just incredibly anxious - I don't know if this can change though.
Re: waiting it out - I've been waiting almost 5 months at this point and it doesn't seem to be getting better.
Re: sucking it up; I agree. She pays me so I do have to do what she says, to a certain extent. I won't list all the things I have to do out of the norm but trust me, the wipes are the tip of the iceberg. Some of the things are genuinely not good for the baby.

I just don't know what to say, I'm really anxious about it.

What would happen (I assume you've not had The Talk yet?) If you wrote yourself a list of bullet points you want to remember, so, maybe along the lines of:

• you love baby, but the extra hours, and no days off are not sustainable, so you feel you have no option but to hand your notice in. Subject to the below, you are prepared to work til May, but if at any point you decide it's not working, you get your 2 weeks notice. If they decide to replace you, you get paid til May. *Contracted to 48 hrs, but working 7 days a week isn't healthy for you. You need one day/ week free (Saturdays?)
• contract offers a car. You need access to a car, or bottomless taxi fund now
• as baby gets older, she will benifit, and be stimulated by getting out more. Two trips a week out is insufficient (or baby comes to do your jobs with you when overtime kicks in!!)

Good luck. You can't keep doing this.

There are 2 main problems - overtime and your boss overshadowing while you're working. Suggest they need a bigger pool of babysitters for the regular overtime and also you don't have a lot to lose by saying that the overshadowing while you're looking after the baby is causing the job to be more stressful than it needs. It sounds a lot as though she wants to spend more time with her own baby but can't seem to say no at work - you could ask directly about that.

She definitely sounds like she isn't coping and could be suffering from PND. :(

However, that is Not Your Problem. It is however her husbands. Hopefully your talk will make that clear to him.. if not, for her sake, I might have a quiet word with him.

Ah for some reason I thought you'd only been there for 2 months. 5 months is more than enough time to have gained confidence in you and chilled a little especially if there are frequent trips away and the baby is safe and well. She can't have it both fecking ways!

Good luck with the chat tonight.

She doesn't need to take more time off, her husband does. Bit more balance in their baby's life. If Mark Zuckerberg can take paternity leave then he can manage the occasional bathtime FFS !

Not that you can say that of course

Are they swiss op?

This is almost identical to a story I read on here a few months ago about an overbearing boss with a ridiculous list of dos and don'ts for the baby. I wonder if a search would bring it up? I remember some great advice on that thread. I'm sure blondes was on it ...

She doesn't need to take more time off, her husband does.

Yes

Regardless of the H's schedule, the mum is the one exhibiting anxiety about her baby while also working weekends and overtime, crazy hours for any parent but definitely very hard for both parents to be doing that.

Hi all, thanks for your fab advice. I was all geared up and had schedules prepared etc but Boss has just cancelled the meeting because of baby's nappy rash.
She's given me tomorrow off (housekeeper is covering me) which is nice but means we can't do it tomorrow (also Husband is away again) and can't do it Friday or over the weekend as I'm flying back to the UK. When I come back we are travelling straight back to Switzerland until end of March where it won't be possible to have the meeting either because she'll be out of the house most of the time and, again, husband will be away. I'm then away for a week and then we're travelling back to Switzerland so no opportunity for a meeting until Mid April!

I feel really awful about this whole thing and so guilty, she really is lovely and it's becoming more and more obvious that its an anxiety thing and not to do with me (if they didn't trust me with the baby I wouldn't be doing so much sole charge abroad and proxy parenting at home).

Also sorry if I come across as heartless in any of these posts, I'm so tired generally and I'm finding it hard living in a country where I don't speak the language and don't know anyone - I'm such a whiner, sorry.

I think you need to insist on the meeting happening tonight. You can't let this drag on and on and on...

Goodness, their schedules sound a nightmare...you don't sound like a whiner - at the very least can you get an agreement that the housekeeper will do more relief overtime childcare as needed and not just as a one off so at least you don't burn yourself out? It's obvious she does trust you, I agree on that, the weird behaviours and faffing etc is about her feeling she has input/can't help herself. It is a weird feeling seeing your baby being competently handled by someone else most of the time and not sorry to see you go etc, takes a while to get used to.

You aren't happy there and tbh unlikely to be so hand in your notice
Whether 2 weeks or month or till end of may

Some parents just can't change and if you were a live out nanny then maybe stay and chat about it

but a live in - in a foreign country where you don't speak their language and work silly hours 7 days a week seems insane to stay

Assuming the meeting didn't happen last night then serve notice in writing today stating that you have requested a meeting on a number of occasions to discuss issues arising which they don't appear to be able to facilitate so you have to assume that they don't wish to address your concerns.

I guarantee you will have a meeting with both parents very quickly.

I did wonder how the baby's nappy rash meant the meeting couldn't go ahead - I do agree with Tread - can't they do a meeting by conference call if you're unable to all physically be in the same place?

Could you email them both to say that you feel a meeting is important for the family as well as yourself, but you're Aware that logistics make this impossible for a number of weeks/a month.
In the email you could outline the issues you would have raised at the meeting. Ask if they could respond by next Wednesday (or whatever date you feel is reasonable).

Hi all, meeting changed to (probably) next Tuesday. I did see Boss briefly today (I had the day off) and she seemed deeply unhappy with me - though I'm well known for being paranoid and anxious so take that with a pinch of salt.
Baby apparently started vomiting today, she had diarrhea since Monday (doctor on Wed said it's nothing to worry about) which I think is worrying her too. They went to pharmacy and doctors today who just prescribed electrolytes.
I think baby being sick now is not going to help this Talk. I'm reluctant to hand in my notice in writing before the Talk as I have a desperate hope it can be resolved, but I'm still of the mindset that I'm resigning, despite having gone to the health insurance appointments today!

Thank you all again for your advice. I feel so rotten and guilty and anxious about the whole thing I could cry!

Gosh. Could you work your two weeks notice and then have a short break in Switzerland before going home in a few weeks?

Honestly you sound like a lovely nanny. Hope you find another job asap

I'm back home at the moment, flying back tonight. I woke up this morning sick with anxiety. I am absolutely bricking myself about going back. Talk tomorrow morning - right before we're going away and I have to be in the car with her for 6 hours.
She's always stressed on the mornings we're going away anyway.