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Original poster

Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

212 replies

ReasonablyIntelligent · 18/02/2016 17:45

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my Employer as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in my position.

I am contracted to work 48 hours a week, Mon to Fri - I am aware that this is unusually low hours for a Nanny, a week typically being 60, so I am grateful for that.
However, since I started (4 months ago) I have yet to work a 48 hour week.
I live in a granny flat attached to the family home so obviously don't have a commute and am easily accessible.
It started off with Mum asking me if I minded staying an extra half an hour at the end of the day, always very apologetic. So instead of finishing at 5.30/6.00 I would finish at 6.30. Fine, don't mind staying late if she really needs it once in a while.
Now, however, 6.30 seem to be my default finish time, and I actually now consider it to be an early finish as 7.00/7.30 is more common.

This isn't so much "asked" nowadays as "told" and since Christmas there has only been 2 weekends that I've had the full two days off. Most of the Sundays had been booked in advanced - fair enough - but almost every weekend now I've been asked to work "just a few hours" so that the Mum can catch up on work. The problem with this is that we live extremely rurally and I don't have a car* which means I rely on public transport. By working even a few hours - my entire day is taken over, as I have to plan around the time and rarely can go out, in case it'd make me late. I also feel uncomfortable knowing I have to be back for a certain time so generally don't risk going out anyway.

I'm also feeling quite put upon because this extra work that my Boss is having to complete could easily be done in her working hours but she spends a lot of time during the day fussing over me or getting distracted by the baby. She must spend about an hour in 10 minute increments throughout the day just basically faffing with the baby.

*The job I applied for was offering a separate apartment away from the house and a separate car - neither of which actually happened. They had trouble with their first nanny and I think didn't want to make more financial commitment early on (fair enough) and said that it'd be something they look after I'd settled in.

Anyway, sorry for the essay! Am I being completely ungrateful and unreasonable? I feel so trapped (we're in a very rural area in a foreign country where I don't speak the language) as I just don't seem to ever be away from work.

OP posts:
GertrudeBadger · 23/03/2016 09:58

I do agree about it not being your problem, mum boss's bonding. She's an odd combination of pushy and insecure, she does sound a nightmare boss. .From your perspective I'd hammer home that she needs to maintain better boundaries - when you're looking after the baby, she doesn't interfere, when it's her time with the baby, she doesn't renege and dump the baby on you and the stuff about only being allowed out the house 2 hours a day has to be discussed and discarded.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 23/03/2016 10:02

That's a no to the sole charge holiday then? Wink

Yes, I will be talking to her and being as firm as I possibly can about it in this meeting next week. Which we WILL have, otherwise I will just hand in my notice there and then - and give them the min 2 weeks too.

I realise that its not my problem but having spent so much time with her I can honestly say that she is a lovely person who is just very headstrong and very anxious. The next Nanny will have exactly the same problem. And the next one. Until eventually they realise who the common denominator is and change and then it will be a dream job which I did the majority of the crap bit for and won't get the rewards

But despite everything, I'm expecting to leave.
Though it's going to be very very hard to find a new job thats decent. Good Nanny jobs are really tough to find Sad

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 23/03/2016 10:03

Also, I very much appreciate the brutal honesty of MN (which is why I'm not on NetHuns) but [whispers] I'm not an idiot (scuttles off and hides...)

Annarose2014 · 23/03/2016 10:12

Who cares if she goes through nannies like tissues afterwards? It's going to happen regardless as she sounds pretty fucked up, tbh. You're not qualified to help her and attempting to do so is grossly misunderstanding your role.

All these people want to do is whatever they want. And what they want is blind obedience. You shouldn't like her tbh. She's upsetting you and she knows it and she wants to ignore it.

To be quite blunt, she doesn't care about you half as much as you care about her. And that's why the balance of power in your relationship is so fucked up.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 23/03/2016 10:21

Is attempting to help her misunderstanding my role?

Annarose2014 · 23/03/2016 10:23

Definitely. You are neither her counsellor nor her HR Manager.

Nor her friend.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 23/03/2016 10:27

This is true. But I am there to look after the health and well-being of the baby. Which will be compromised by high levels of anxiety and stress in the household, inconsistent and overprotective care and a high turnover in nannies.

But you're right, I'm not qualified in counselling and she is displaying the signs of someone who is suffering from difficulties in mental health so I do understand your points.
I'm not trying to be argumentative or stubborn (and I apologise if it comes off that way) but I also don't want to just give up. I also love the baby and don't want to leave her.

I have walked out on crazy jobs before, I'm not a Martyr.

GertrudeBadger · 23/03/2016 10:54

I'm sure you know when enough's enough, doesn't sound like it's quite there yet. It possibly could get better, she's still a very new mum and new to having a nanny. You'll know after the meeting whether they really accept your points or not.

dinkystinky · 23/03/2016 11:12

Just hand in your notice - they will keep cancelling and rescheduling the meeting until you end up having to give 3 months notice. Explain that you love your charge but the working conditions are not what you signed up to - list your grievances. Explain that while you are aware the contract states two weeks notice, you are willing to do a handover and potentially be on a temporary contract with them on a week by week basis until x date so they have more time to find a replacement nanny.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 23/03/2016 11:37

I hope it gets sorted soon for you

Thatrabbittrickedme · 23/03/2016 13:04

Notanother I've been following this thread since the start and have to add my view that this situation is not healthy, I believe you need to get out soonest.

You seem isolated (rural and also linguistically) and your employers are horribly stifling and controlling. You are not responsible for them, I would suggest a clean break is best.

You seem to be a good, experienced and caring nanny I'm sure you would find another role with a family that deserves you

expatinscotland · 23/03/2016 13:28

Repeat after me, 'Not my circus, not my monkeys.' YOUR circus is the fact that your mental health is suffering due to this ridiculous excuse for a job and YOU are being treated appallingly here.

'She is a lovely person who is just very headstrong and very anxious. '

She's not. YOU are a lovely person for putting up with any of this, and continuing to do so. These people have you chasing your own tail.

Seriously, you need to disengage from all this and take an assertiveness course.

And hand in your notice. This is just flogging a dead horse.

FishWithABicycle · 23/03/2016 14:19

Sorry OP I shouldn't have called you an idiot. Replace "you are an idiot" with "you are acting idiotically" - there's a difference.
I think you are a lovely person but you are consenting to being seriously mistreated by someone who really isn't.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/03/2016 16:28

I think you need to step back a little and consider things.

This child is not being mistreated by either of it's parents. This is NOT the situation you have just left. Granted a rolling succession of nannies is in no child's best interests but don't let yourself be suckered into a 3 month notice period.

By all means set out the reasons for your resignation in writing. If they really want to resolve matters you can simply amend your contract to a shorter notice period for a trial period. while they line up a more pliable replacement

expatinscotland · 23/03/2016 17:18

'Explain that while you are aware the contract states two weeks notice, you are willing to do a handover and potentially be on a temporary contract with them on a week by week basis until x date so they have more time to find a replacement nanny.'

These people have form for fobbing off the OP and stringing things along. This has been their standard MO the entire time. I wouldn't give them the chance to continue this.

They created their own childcare problems by being shite employers. So this problem, too, OP, is not yours.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 23/03/2016 17:26

You're all right. I do need to take a step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective.
I find it really hard to think that they are abusive, she bought me a lindt Easter bunny today and was really quite nice all day Confused

expatinscotland · 23/03/2016 17:49

'I find it really hard to think that they are abusive, she bought me a lindt Easter bunny today and was really quite nice all day confused'

Once you get out of there, it will become patently obvious to you, how their behaviour is abusive, almost classically so. The equivalent of a partner buying his/her other half flowers and chocolates after having treated them like shit the night before.

The 'we only want you out of the house a max of 2 hours a day and 1 of those is walking the baby' alone is stunning. Scolding, comparing your behaviour with a live-out housekeeper at length to make you feel about yourself, isolating you, fobbing off your concerns or turning them round on you to make you doubt yourself or accept blame for things that are not your fault. These are all very warped behaviour.

The fact that you haven't immediately handed in your notice despite having been home is worryingly indicative of just how much they have conditioned you to accept this sort of behaviour.

Annarose2014 · 23/03/2016 17:51

It's Stockholm Syndrome, let's face it.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 23/03/2016 17:54

Crikey, do you think so?
I just think that they're nice people who are very overwhelmed.
To be clear - I'm allowed wherever I want when I'm not on duty, so long as I let them know when I'm going to be home so that they know when to set the alarm.

The 2 hours maximum thing is 2 hours max of taking the baby out of the house, which is then limited to countryside walks. Still completely bonkers and unreasonable but my free time is my own.
Apologies if that wasn't clear.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2016 17:55

True, Anna.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2016 18:07

'I just think that they're nice people who are very overwhelmed.
To be clear - I'm allowed wherever I want when I'm not on duty, so long as I let them know when I'm going to be home so that they know when to set the alarm. '

That is not 'very overwhelmed'. That is completely unacceptable. I'm truly concerned that you seem unable to see this. You dropped right into their lap. The other nanny wasn't as vulnerable as you. Hence, why she is no longer there. She quite likely told them where to shove it.

Their behaviour is alarming. Not 'very overwhelmed' but over-controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

notapizzaeater · 23/03/2016 18:15

They are micro managing everything you do, that's not on.

SisterMoonshine · 23/03/2016 18:23

Your free time's not really your own without days off or a car though is it?

NoOneIsInterested · 23/03/2016 19:05

You are massively overthinking all of this. Who cares what the reasons for their behaviour is - it's of no importance. The job isn't working out and I think you are daft very optimistic if you think they will magically change.

I think you should just hand in your notice and leave as soon as you are able - I wouldn't work any longer than the two week notice. The baby will be fine.

DragonRojo · 23/03/2016 21:53

I started reading this a month ago and I just came across it again today. I cannot believe you are still there. These people treat you like shit and you are too involved to see it. Get out before it is too late and you feel you have to give them 3 months notice. Honesty, you need to get out!!