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WWYD re nanny

137 replies

HelloDolly · 30/06/2006 21:57

We went out on wednesday night and our nanny babysat as usual. When we got home she mentioned that our middle child had played up a bit and called K upstairs 4 times but there was nothing wrong so in the end K just left her to cry and after 10 mins she was asleep.
Well of course middle DD spent the entire night and next day throwing up and generally being unwell.
I know the nanny couldn't have known she was ill but do you think it's out of order she just let her cry ? She knows we dn't do controlled crying with the baby.

OP posts:

nzshar · 30/06/2006 22:13

i personally wouldnt say 10 mins is "doing" controlled crying and as you say the poor girl didnt know your dd was coming down with something and obviously just thought she was playing her up. I have done this with my own ds!


vix1 · 30/06/2006 22:16

Im sorry but theres not a lot else she could have done really, unless you wanted her to get child up? How old is she? Sometimes its hard to know what they are crying for, and there are so many children that will play up and pretend to feel ill etc. when others babysit.
I dont neccessarily do control crying, but you can usually tell when a child is crying cuz they are tired, and after 4 times of going up I would have stopped going up.

Just out of interest what would you have done?


HelloDolly · 30/06/2006 22:24

The only poor girl here is my DD who was left crying and poorly.
I would have stayed with her until she fell asleep.
I'm not going to say anything but I won't use her at night again.

OP posts:

nzshar · 30/06/2006 22:28

huh?! ok if you really feel that strongly about it i really dont understand why you have her as your nanny. She clearly does not have the same stance on how your children should be treated. Do you have other worries other than this one incident and maybe you should talk to her, she is not a mind reader and maybe thought she had done her best. She is not you and so therefore does not have the natural mother instinct that you have for your dd.


HelloDolly · 30/06/2006 22:44

This is why I was so surprised though because generally she does.
Thanks for replying.

OP posts:

NannyL · 30/06/2006 23:33

Personally i dont think its out of order either.

And nor would i sit with a child until they fall asleep... children need to learn to setle themselves to sleep and fall asleep by themselves.

10 mins isnt exactly long to be 'left' crying... and she then fell asleep

if you always give in to a crying child they learn that crying = get what they want.


shimmy21 · 30/06/2006 23:38

I think it's way out of order because you wouldn't expect or want someone babysitting for you to undertake controlled crying on your behalf, would you?

When babysitting or looking after other people's kids on a short term basis the rules for your own kids go by the board and you do what makes the kid comfortable and happy. Let the parents deal with the aftermath later.


VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/06/2006 23:42

Would suggest you dont go out in future.


hunkermunker · 30/06/2006 23:43

How old is she?

I'd say don't go out if you're worried about them being treated differently. Or make it explicit that you don't leave them to cry.

She's your usual nanny?


collision · 30/06/2006 23:47

I think you should consider yourself lucky that she even told you your middle dd was up and crying. A lot wouldnt bother.

Im sorry your daughter is ill but what else should she have done??

I dont think you should go out if you dont like the fact she left her crying for such a short period of time. Poor nanny.


edam · 30/06/2006 23:50

I'd feel a bit sad for dd that she was ill and the person looking after her didn't realise. But I wouldn't be cross with the nanny either - she probably wasn't obviously ill at that point, just crotchety. Bit surprised she doesn't know your children better though, does she only look after the baby while the others are at school? Just thinking if my nanny was babysitting she probably would pick up if ds was ill. And she would (and does) stay with him while he's dropping off, which is not something I'd ask of her, IYSWIM, she just does it because she's nice.


soapbox · 30/06/2006 23:55

Aww come on girls - surely you can see both sides of this.

The nanny knows that mum doesn't like to leave the girls to cry, but OTOH the nanny didn;t know the babe was ill, just thought babe was playing up.

I think it's just a case of mum being a little concerned that nanny wasn't her usual intuitive self.

Don't think mum should give up going out over this but equally don't think nanny is in the wrong.

'Tis just one of those things...


hunkermunker · 01/07/2006 00:13

I can see both sides of it.

I'm choosing not to


NannyL · 01/07/2006 00:30

i think you mis-understand controlled crying...

when a baby (typically one who has never settled themself) crys because they dont want to be in bed...

you go in and calm them from 'crying their eyes out' to just sobbing amd leave..... each time you take longer to go in.... and ONLY go in when they are crying their eyes out... NOT just sobbing...

generally you would give it at LEAST 5 minutes anyway....

so that fact that this child was asleep 10 mins later meant she wasnt exactlty crying for long... (and was probably only sobbing after 5 mins, so you wouldnt go in any way even if you were doing controlled crying (which she wasnt))

nanny did NOT do controlled crying.... which would involve repeatedly calming a very upset child to a sobbing one..... but left a child who seemed to be playing up to sort themsleves out.... rather than "playing games" when its night / bed time

She did NOT practise controlled crying at all!

Agree with others.... if you cant stand the thought of them crying a bit then look after them yourself! (personally i wouldnt look after children who werent 'allowed' to cry... they have to learn, and you do have to be cruel to be kind... if they learn that crying gets their own way it leads to spoilt children who just cry to get what they want... because for them crying "works")

the fact that she was later ill is neitehr here nor there.... nanny is NOT psychic and cant be expected to be either!


jothorpe · 01/07/2006 02:52

Message containing Age

HelloDolly, I think the DD you refer to is 2 years old (see above link).

At that age they are capable of manipulating a situation to suit themselves - thus leaving to cry on the 4th return to bed, I consider is acceptable if on the prior occasions nothing was found to have been wrong. If your nanny had stayed with your middle DD until she fell asleep, what message does this give the 2 year old? I feel it gives the message that if they protest enough, someone will come and sleep with them.

Your nanny would know your daughter well, so would know if something was really wrong, or not. Sounds to me to be a bit of coincidence that the next night the same DD was then ill. How was she during the day? Seems a little odd to me that if she had an illness on the night your nanny babysat, that she was fine all of the following day.

Of course it's just my opinion, I wasn't there, I don't know your children... but you did ask for opinions, so in my opinion, YES I do feel it was fine that your nanny left your 2 year old DD to cry after returning DD to bed for the 4th time.


HelloDolly · 01/07/2006 10:19

Bloody hell, you lot aren't exactly the Mary Poppins type are you ?
I really expected the replies to be helping me to explain in the nicest way how a child should be treated to a Norland nanny who frankly ought to know better.
Nannies being cruel to be kind, who the hell do you think you are ?
This post has really shocked me.

OP posts:

peasinapod · 01/07/2006 10:21

How many mothers have told their kids off (older ones) or left younger ones for a short time (10 minutes) to cry and the next day they have been poorly . I know loads of mums who have done this .


HelloDolly · 01/07/2006 10:52

peasinapod, what the mothers do is entirely their business, the nanny IMO is paid to take care of a child and leaving it to cry is not taking care of it.

OP posts:

vix1 · 01/07/2006 10:54

All parents I have worked for would have been completely inderstanding if this happened to their child while I was babysitting, most would have probably only gone up twice!! I would have felt really guilty for not knowing child was poorly, but at this age it is diificult to tell.
Im sorry but I think most people would have done the same, so you may struggle to get anyone to babysit in the evenings who have the same 'instincts' as you. It really is hard to tell sometimes with young children, and you wern't there, so its hard to know what the situation was like really.


edam · 01/07/2006 10:57

Your nanny wasn't being cruel, she went up four times to settle your dd, and then left her for ten minutes! Don't think that's unreasonable at all. What on earth is 'she should know better' about - what, she should be pyschic and know when a child is going to be ill the next day?


edam · 01/07/2006 10:58

psychic, obviously.


Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 01/07/2006 10:59

I think it's good she went to sleep after 10 mins (crying or not) if she was up in the night chucking up. She would have needed the sleep- leaving her to cry a short time may have been the fastest way to get her to sleep, especially aged 2.

The crying may have been nothing to do with the illness anyway. I was chucking up a week ago at 3am (food poisoning). Didn't feel ill until 2am.


morocco · 01/07/2006 11:00

ah well - maybe next time you could instruct nanny to phone immediately if they are crying, to put them on her lap til you get home and then you could come straight home?


Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 01/07/2006 11:01

Anyway depends by what is meant by "crying". We are getting ds3 to settle alone at the moment (he's 17 months) and he kind of moans/cries for about 10 mins then is asleep. If he was absolutely screaming then we know he wouldn't settle and we get him up.

How do you normally get her to sleep?


shinypeople · 01/07/2006 11:08

yes a nanny is being paid but they are being paid to look afdter your child which is what your nanny seems to have done

You seem unhappy that the majority of us are saying your nanny did the right thing. Looking after other peoples children is hard (i was a nanny for 13 yeears). I find that being a mum is much easier as i don't have to answer to anyone else.

Parents can be so difficult at times!

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