Is SAHM better than childcare? Does no one worry?

[Zon]

In my home country the key discussion topic when mums talk about childcare is the impact of it. What will it do to your child (emotionally, developmentally etc.) if you are a working parent and your child sees you much less? Many parent find that at least one of the parents should be there for more than half of the week. Somehow it doesn't seem such an issue here. Is this true or have I just missed it? Do you worry about the impact of childcare on your baby/child?

I worry more about the impact of not paying the rent

IN THE BLUE CORNER

day orphanges
handing Dcs over to strangers
missing precious moments
why have them if you don't want to look after them
I was prepared to make sacrifices for my children

IN THE RED CORNER

needed to exercise my brain
More than just a mummy

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

of course people worry about the impact of childcare on their children

I personally have to go out to work and use childcare as I am a single parent

before I was a single parent I went out to work as my partner was self employed and couldn't guarantee an income so on balance it was better that I went out to work and provided stability -and used the best quality childcare I could find. For me that choice was a childminder who provided a homely environment, could flex the routine around my children and was a consistent carer (for 4 years)

I agonised over the decisio, I had all the guilt of a working mum but once the decision is made you have to just get on with it -otherwise you would be forever beating yourself up

as parents we make all sorts of decisions which may or may not be the best for the child, but they are always made with the best of intentions

FFS I can worry until I am blue in the face, feel like a dogshit mother, cry because I miss my DD so much but frankly it makes no frigging difference because I still have to go to work or we have nowhere to live. There. That's as much consideration as I could give it. So pleased that in your home country it's a lifestyle choice. Bully for them.

A large portion of Mothers in this country just have no choice - they need to work to eat/provide shelter. So they can't have the "luxury" of worrying about what it is doing to their children (probably no harm at all)

Zon, where is your home country?

well in my experience in the UK many women work part time which helps - feels a bit different when you are at home similar time to being at work. Also childcare in the UK is of a high standard -perhaps higher than in your home countrey - especially in view of where you have posted childminders - which has worked really well for me and my DCs -
but people do find it hard- there are posts all over mumsnet and big debates -but probably not in this section which is more about issues to do with childcare

Childcare is a big issue, especially in the Uk. In my home country there is much less angst about childcare than in the Uk.
OP i think you need to spend more time on mn

I have experience of both sides of this bun fight coin.

After DD1 I went back to work after 3 months and DD went to a lovely nursery close to work where I used my lunch hour to pop to nursery to BF her.

DD2 came along and I took 1 year off of work and then returned part time with both children in the lovely nursery.

DD3 came along and I gave up work as the childcare costs and petrol would have been more than my monthly wage so I then became a SAHM for 3 years, 2 in school and 1 at home.

I was then given the opportunity to return to work so DD3 is now in nursery.

All children are mentally and emotionally stable and I have no regrets with my choice of childcare.

I think it's horrible to put extra pressure on working mums as we are all trying to do our best whether staying at home or going to work.

Actually, I haven't worried about it. DH and I, we've both thought about it, read about it and made our choices (which have varied over time). I'm happy with them.

Agree with Franca. It's one of the biggest issues facing parents and it's debated just about everywhere. People can be quite defensive of their arrangement so if you have found people reluctant to talk about it it may be down to them not wanting to have to justify their choices for the upteenth time!

Childcare is not always a necessary evil* - your child can benefit ENORMOUSLY from decent childcare, the caregiver will have lots of ideas that you would never have thought of in a MILLION years to make the child's time with them fun, exhilarating, and memorable. The CM nursery or preschool setting will not be tired, or snappy, or preoccupied with what's for tea/omg the WASHING pile/yikes the MOT is due, quick quick, where's the number for the garage etc

Win/win, non?

*deliberately inflated language here, arf

I love the term 'day orphanage'. Always makes me smirk when I drop the dc's off. I have to try not and use it when I'm talking in case people think I'm nuts.

They don't yell at them or let them mainline cbeebies at nursery .

Do I worry about being solvent,and good role model?
No
Do I care what he precious moments mamas think?
No, but I do love goading em
Do I care about research from professor wibble at shitsville uni?
No, do like unpicking the methodological flaws though

Boys I do agree - like your name too

The last time I looked the general consensus was that as usual, it's not what you do it's the way that you do it.

Essentially what you want to avoid is separation anxiety. This causes stress and can become a problem.

Lots of research has shown that the most important thing that children need is two or more significant adults in their lives. These should be people they keep coming back to, recognise and feel safe with. It can be anybody but these people shouldn't change.

So childcare is fine if it's the one of around 3 people doing it. When you get to more than that, when you have Mum Dad and several different nursery workers it becomes a problem. I'm talking about 0-12 months, as they get older things can get looser.

Interestingly the quality of the care isn't as important as the consistency. Children can put up with all sorts of crap parenting as long as it's the parents/carers are the same few people.

In older children it is easier to prepare the child for a separation event and therefore the anxiety can be minimised.

I don't worry about it. My mum worked when I was young and I went to a childminder. I am fine and have a great relationship with my mother. I have friends whose mums worked and friends whose mums stayed at home. We are all pretty similar adults. I have no reason to think childcare will damage my daughter or our relationship. No one seems to worry when dads work!!

I have 3 DSs - aged 4, 9 and 18, and I have used childcare for all of them at various points in their lives. never worried - using childcare is just a fact of life. Dont get all this worry and guilt, life's hard enough as it is without adding unnecessary stress.

I've been back at work since last Monday, no choice I'm afraid. DS is 11 months and we found a lovely childminder. Almost 2 weeks in and DS is all smiles when I drop him off and pick him up, he loves playing alongside the other children and he cuddles up to the CM for his morning sleep. There are some minor issues, his routine is a bit different to what he was used to when I was on ML, and still needs tweaking a bit, but generally I think he will benefit a lot from it all.

Of course I wish I could spend full more time with him, and I still get sad during the day and miss him like crazy. But the alternative is not having a roof over our heads, so...

As an aside, I am not English either, and in my home country the quality of the childcare is more often than not pretty bad, but GPs are usually around.

Boysarelikedogs: totally agree with you. In fact I sent my dc to nursery even if my childcare requirements were minimal.
Lets say that the benefits overtook the negatives (mainly constituted by the amount of money we spent...), and my dc, whose first language is Italian, learnt to speak english with a lovely devon accent.

Lots of SAHM's use some childcare anyway, especially when the free sessions for 3 year olds kick in. Lots of working mums are part time. So there isn't that much difference in practice.

Bloody stupid question anyway.

I actually worry the opposite. Due to working shifts I feel lucky in many ways that I wont need to use childcare. However, talking to and entertaining my child can't happen constantly when she is awake. I still have jobs to get done. She still ends up in front of cbeebies sometimes. Maybe it would be better for her development if she went to nursery?

whostole she will get to an age when you know she is either bored or understimulated (or you need a break). Trust your instinct but don't forget that they need time to just 'be' with Mum/main carer, it doesn't need to be a major engaging activity.

I went to nursery from 6 months old until I started school. can I remember it? No. Ergo - it really doesn't matter

Of course people worry, you numbnut.

I also worry about my shit parenting skills relative to my nanny, which is potentially damaging them when they are in my care