Is SAHM better than childcare? Does no one worry?

[Zon]

In my home country the key discussion topic when mums talk about childcare is the impact of it. What will it do to your child (emotionally, developmentally etc.) if you are a working parent and your child sees you much less? Many parent find that at least one of the parents should be there for more than half of the week. Somehow it doesn't seem such an issue here. Is this true or have I just missed it? Do you worry about the impact of childcare on your baby/child?

Bowlby studied chidlren totally away from parents, not even living with them so we can't really use that. Someone quoted the study above that children whose parents work do better which obviously i would support.

If parental income is the best indicator of child outcome both in terms of education - 6% of chidlren in private school get 50% of best university places etc the mother who earns £100k may well benefit the child more than the mother who gives up the income to live on husband's £30k salary and she then wipes all the bottoms for 5 years at home. I bet teh child does better with a good nanhy and loving working paretns and the £130k a year income than the mother at home who probably is fed up if she has any kind of life or brain to her (how can anyone like 24/7 child care and cleaning - every culture on earth has contracted it out - the romans to slaves etc etc wet nurses in the UK in 1500s on and on, Victorians with servants evne for non working wive - women never never never like 24/7 childcare and it sin't good for anyone ) .

if you have no income you might have no choice and if you have listenede to sexist propaganda that you have to be tied to a sink to do right by your children you may be home but rarely otherwise. If your mother is a housewife you might also have been fooled into thinking that is the right path but it isn't.

So many many things impact upon children's well being and happiness that it becomes almost pointless to take one single factor like child care and try to extrapolate any real meaning.

Whether parents are married, happy, educated or healthy all have huge impacts. A family's wealth is also a big player.
Then there's is disposition. Some DC are just sunny by nature and some are miserable buggers whatever you do for them.

I've had a tough time as a sahm over the last few months and this sums up how i felt perfectly:
"Gosh yes,. The Martry Mother who thinks she is the only and best person on the planet to care for little Johnny and never let anyone near him so sacred are her skills often does little Johnny no good at all.in fact she can be very blinkered. She probabnly failed at her career and was never very bright and could not have ever got a job where she'd earn more than the cost of child care so she skulks off home to lord it over a household, making out she is a God of her own domain hiding her inadequacies behind closed doors and inflicting her worst on the child."
thanks xenia, spot on as always.

sometimes it is better for a baby/toddler/child to be looked after by a trained, rested, happy adult with lots of resources rather than a stressed, depressed, anxious, bored mother stuck at home who doesn't want to/can't go out.

my child spent the first year of his life in an institution with no single primary carer. I need to worry about his attachment issues. Everyone else who is using adequate professional or family childcare needs to worry about it in the same way you would worry about whether Johnny is eating enough vegetables. Its all within the normal spectrum of how children around the world grow up.

Unless your child is institutionalised, neglected or abused, they will probably drag themselves up pretty competently regardless of what you do!

Totally agree with wordfactory. And Kew.

naturalbaby, thanks. Save for typos I was really on a roll there, laughing as I type.

Studies show children like happy parents (whether they work or not) (and a huge lot of threads are all about mothers, mother the whipping boy ever since men wrote the bible and suggested we tempted Eve and before, women responsiblefor all the ills and evils of the world,woman the temptress, woman the damager of the psyche of the children but never doth such castigation get applied to men who work. We really have a long way to go before we eradicate sexism and before men also have a free choice to stay home easily and as comfortably as a woman).

xenia you have pressed all the wrong buttons yet again.

To be honest I think career is such a shallow way to measure a person. What was the last interesting book you read or learnt something new? When was the last time you were moved by a piece of music? Also, when was the last time you did something for someone which actually did not benefit you at all?

There are so many dimensions to success that as a blinkered career person you just don't appreciate.

I don't laud the fact that I can afford to be a SAHM over people; what I love about it is the freedom I feel everyday that I never had in an office. I love teaching my children new things and every stage of development is interesting to me. I think my children have benefitted from me being at home - they are happy and well adjusted, because I love being at home with them. I am sure your children would not benefit from you being at home because you make it so clear that all you think it is, is drudgery.

Lastly, academic success does not make a happy child/adult. I went to look around our local private primary school a while ago and I have to say that I have never seen so many children who already seemed a bit hardened to the world.

I see your red corner and blue corner and give you the barmy corner:

Xenia said 24/7 mother at home tends to be on the gin, cocaine or prozac as it's an unnatural model and they are rarely happy these drugged up or divorced housewives. They often turn to food for comfort and get fat. It's not a happy model and thankfully it's dying out and children benefit from its demise.

onelittlefish you are very misguided if you dont believe parents with a career spend time listening to music or reading etc.
You are also very misguided if you believe all SAHPs do these things.

Franjly somepeople are interesting and some are not. Those that are tend to make their days, be that working or SAH interesting. They fill their lives.

And having a pop at children in a school because you want to make your point about career and money is pretty ow and whispers...unimaginative...

And while we're on the subject of music it might be worth mentioning that Xenia sings chorally.
She has said many times that she tries mnever to miss her DC's music recitals.

So ya know...assumptions.

People can be very career orientated and into lots of other stuff too. It's not a dichotomy.

People with rounded lives, families hobbies and children have more in their lives than the mother on a low income struggling hour by hour with the baby and toddler and not much to do, a narrow, dull life contrasted with the full lovely life of the working parent.

"To be honest I think career is such a shallow way to measure a person. What was the last interesting book you read or learnt something new? When was the last time you were moved by a piece of music? Also, when was the last time you did something for someone which actually did not benefit you at all?"

If you earn a lot you outsource drudgery and can even have more contact time with a child than a housewife might have. I read all the time. I play the piano to the boys every day. hey were doing music scholarship exams today. Yesterday was so special, probably almost the last time I can hear a sublime boy treble at 13. That is a wonderful experience, the nicest part of yesterday was accompanying him at the piano. Lucky me. Believe it or not working parents see and interact and love their children and have rich lives in every sense.

I have the money to do a wide range of tasks for others particularly now the chidlren are older although I wouldn't go on about it here.

Working women tend to be better at most things than housewives particularly those of us who earn a lot so we tend to be the best at charitable stuff, at helping others, others come to us to solves problems because we are such effective people.

Am enjoying the thread.

Xenia your posts are clever, slightly witty but vitriolic.

Tell us about your island Xenia, very unlike you not to mention it.

Lol ard faced private school kids yes poor little rich kids mummy loves job more than them. I expect their first word was money not mummy

I had to ask my parents if I went to a cm/nursery or stayed home with one of them... I can't remember and preschool started at 3.
Truly, as long as your child is given all of your love and their needs are met, it does not matter if you work or stay at home. I have a friend who is a sahm. I am a teacher and work ft. We both love our children to the very depths of our souls. They know and feel this. Neither is better off than the other because one of us works and one does not.

now hang on a minute xenia
are you saying a sahm and those on a low income can't have a rounded life with hobbies? . you're also implying you have to earn enough to be able to outsource the drudgery to spend time with your kids - how many working mums can really afford to do that to a level that gives them more time with their kids?
not all mothers on low incomes with a toddler+newborn at home live narrow, dull lives. i'm sure there are plenty of full time working mums who do despite the money they earn.

Xenia you live a life of pathological perfection. I'm starting to get evil thoughts about how your dream should be shattered into a thousand tiny pieces like a mirror in a 1940s psychological drama. Starring Bette Davies or Ingrid Bergman.

Just make sure you keep a very close eye on your staff... do you have someone that tastes your food first?

The barmy corner is bordering on completely delusional . Balance is best for all whether it's through work, hobbies, volunteering, little bit of child-care, little bit of parenting.

Also think that choosing your partner wisely cannot be overlooked in this discussion

Yes Xenia, do you have a good wife to manage the household?

just like to point out here that Xenia makes sweeping generalisations but does not indulge in personal comments to individual posters*

*fully aware that Xenia is more than capable of fighting her own corner, natch

Where has Zog gone anyway ?

My comment was a sweeping generalization too, boys (in the spirit of the thread). You can't be a SAHP at all (despite your convictions) if your partner is a n'er-do-well, can you? It doesn't matter if you are a minimum-wage worker or a glass ceiling smasher.

Zog is probably quivering in a corner in the fetal position. Sorry Zog! In answer to your question...yes. We women collectively do worry about our choices as well as those of others. Quite a lot, it would appear...

Xenia, agree with your essential argument that both parents working and their salaries (long-term as well as short term) can be good for a family, but £100k+ estimates of potential annual earnings are, sadly, not realistic for the vast majority of women (or indeed men).

The key to xenia's approach is earning a lot! Hard to do in most fields unless foundations established before DC.