Is SAHM better than childcare? Does no one worry?

[Zon]

In my home country the key discussion topic when mums talk about childcare is the impact of it. What will it do to your child (emotionally, developmentally etc.) if you are a working parent and your child sees you much less? Many parent find that at least one of the parents should be there for more than half of the week. Somehow it doesn't seem such an issue here. Is this true or have I just missed it? Do you worry about the impact of childcare on your baby/child?

One day Xenia might find someone on here able to argue the opposite to her views with as much aplomb, sheer wickedness, and joy of debate.

The unfortunate thing I think is that no-one does so, they simply get all huffy and puffy and attack her, thus giving the impression that Xenia's sweeping generalisations of the brain-sapped inadequacies of SAHM may in fact have a whisper of validity...

You SAHM really must try to raise your game.

Of course. It just proves my point - that if you're bright, ambitious and earn a lot you work full time and are also better at bringing up children (and can argue better). If you weren't up to much at work, have a lower IQ and want to live off male earnings you skulk home and dust and serve and trumpet to the world and your daughters that a woman's place is cleaning up.

Well said, StillSquiffy

therefore xenia if you can't earn a decent wage to hire enough help to make your life a breeze then some women might be better off at home looking after their kids themselves. they should just accept that's their role in life and stop skulking about it. somebody has to look after the kids, why not the parents? they know their kids best at the end of the day. i'll never understand why some people think it is not the parent's job to look after their own kids.

Xenia Thu 19-Jan-12 15:16:34

"24/7 mother at home tends to be on the gin, cocaine or prozac"

The stingy cows- why did they never share with me?!

I believe I am reasonably bright, my PhD was well received and received favourable reviews, I enjoy my academic career. For the life of me I fail to see what that had to do with my ability to enjoy myself as a SAHM during the years when that was relevant.

It is quite possible to enjoy a board meeting and a meeting of the new mothers' group, just as my ability to enjoy an opera does not detract from my ability to enjoy an art exhibition. If you are not making value judgments about the different activities there doesn't have to be a conflict.

"But I am so intelligent I couldn't possibly enjoy being at home with a toddler" to me sounds about as logical as "I am so musical I couldn't possible enjoy the Van Goghs." No, less so. I wouldn't be using my musicality much at the Van Gogh exhibition but I frequently found using intelligence when dealing with a toddler was quite helpful.

Having said this, I do not think there is any evidence for the OPs contention that putting children in good quality childcare will damage them.

Individual mothers and fathers are a malign influence on their children, not minor issues like childcare.

Bang on the money stillsquiffy.

Xenia's posts always result in lots of posts making rude, often vile personal insults. I've seen posters telling her she is a bad mother, that they fell sorry for her children, that her children probably hate her, that she doesn't do anyhting but work. Now we have the assumption that she doesn't listen to music!!! Utterly bizare.

Or we get the pots which, in an attempt to prove Xenia wrong list ad infinitum their 'achievments'. Oh the lists of degrees, the sparkling careers...then we're told how the brain is still fully functioning and they are writing a book. Christ spare me from the tedium.
The only posts more boring are those from teachers listing what they do in a day.

cory you are absolutely right of course. Most of us enjoy a little bit of everything. We like our work, we like being with our DC, we like art and culture, we like sport [hmmm].

I suppose in her unique style that is what Xenia is trying to say. That we can work and enjoy our families.

cory - very good post, and I agree.

"Having said this, I do not think there is any evidence for the OPs contention that putting children in good quality childcare will damage them."

Do you not believe, however, that quite a bit of childcare is pretty dire, and a lot of it is uninspiring? I have witnessed some dreadful childcare settings and some truly appalling child carers.

What's the OP's home country, did I miss it?

"Do you not believe, however, that quite a bit of childcare is pretty dire, and a lot of it is uninspiring? I have witnessed some dreadful childcare settings and some truly appalling child carers".

This may be true, but equally a child's life may be transformed by good quality childcare where their home setting is unsatisfactory or uninspiring and parenting may be poor.

Many (I would say most) children thrive in their childcare provision, so long as it is chosen to suit their needs, but that is not to say that they would not also thrive at home with a parent if that parent has the skills, resources and inclination to provide a nurturing environment. Without wishing to tar all with the same brush, I do feel sad when I see children strapped in their buggies with a dummy stuffed in their mouth while Mum chats on the phone (or indeed in the coffee shop) to her mates for hours at a time.

I think that Zenia is secretly a SAHM and is feeling so bored, that she feels the need to entertain us with her posts in order to give herself a sense of worth .

There is some dreadful childcare.yes
Delivered by parents,nurseries,nanny,and cm or grandparents
Anecdotally folk can regale with a they knew someone,who knew someone, whose cousin said they beat dem children at happy faces day care orphanage ....

Good quality childcare needs a rapport,attention,consideration,warmth. Which can be delivered in a variety of ways,by a number of people ,in a number of locations

It's not the exclusive preserve of housewife to be only one delivering good childcare

Good point made by Cory (and I totally agree that individual mothers and fathers and screwed up relationships within a family unit are responsible for many problems in a child's development etc).

I also think it is rather pointless arguing whether it is morally superior going to work or being at home.

Coming back to this late but just wanted to say thank you to spenditwisely, your comment helped me a lot with what I have been thinking about recently.

there will always be extremes on both sides where it works better for some and not others.

if the mother is really unhappy at home and wants/needs to go back to work then whatever is best for that family is obviously up to them. but if the mother doesn't have to go back to work there still seems to be an assumption that she should anyway, and that the baby/toddler would be better off being looked after by a granny/aunt/childminder/nursery nurse than sitting around at home all day with their boring mother.

i may not be the most interesting and inspiring person for my children to spend all day every day with at the moment but i am the best because i am their mother. they go to nursery at 3, school at 4 - they will have plenty of time then to be engaged with and inspired by other adults.

Who exactly makes the assumption that baby/toddler will be better off looked after by someone else while parent/parents are at work?
I've never come across this assumption.

Governments usually encourage a large number of people to be in a paid job, because countries need growing GNP and taxes to be paid. It is the job of a responsible administration to guarantee the quality of childcare provided. But no one assumes that children are better off being care by a person who's not her/his parents.
On the other hand, everyone should consider important that the quality of available childcare is high.

cared

We are bombarded with suggestions all the time that women are guilty or they are wrong to work etc. I do my bit to counter that.

Also most children are abused at home by a parent by the way so suggestions chidlren are damaged by having trained competent third parties who are usually observed a lot more and monitored than mummy at hobjme at the end of her tether up all night with the baby and now being kicked by the toddler until her patience goes with her husband messing around at work all day so he can get home late complaining about his "long" day. Unbalanced, low paid and not always that safe for the children.

Well it too a little while but the usual suspects found the thread in the end. Does a klaxon go off in their homes?

It is the assumption that mothers/fathers should go back to work when the baby/toddler still needs 24/7 childcare - we get 9 or 12months maternity leave if we're lucky and want it, then are expected to go back to work. My assumption is that while they are still young enough to need that level of care then I am the best person to do it, rather than go back to work and pay someone else to do it.

There's an assumption on this thread that being a SAHM is not something to be aspired to. and that because there is good quality childcare available there is no reason to stay at home.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who assume it is better for a baby/toddler to be in a bright and shiny nursery with happy smiling staff while the mother goes to work, rather than sitting at home with the same 4 walls and same boring toys while the mother does housework. Or maybe that's just what they tell themselves to convince themselves that it's o.k to go back to work when they really want to be at home with their baby.

I have been both SAHM and working mum in a well paid profession.
I much prefer being a SAHM with less money.
I am more at the end of my tether and stressed as a working mother .
I live for the day i can be a SAHM again .
I love it ( even though it is much harder work IMO ).
Everybody's experiences are different.
Each child experiences child care differently.
Our DD thrived in nursery.
Our DS was deeply unhappy in nursery and we had to pull him out completely.
Everybodys situation is unique and most people do the best that they can .

yes, alright then, my children are abused at home several times a day, every day - they are pushed, kicked, bitten by their brothers. so does that mean i should put them under more stress and anxiety by sending them to be looked after by strangers? i may have my hands full but i fail to see how an adult with 3 babies to look after can do a better job than i can even if i'm exhausted and at the end of my tether.

Why do people conflate childcare with housework. One is rewarding, the other is best subcontracted if you can afford to do so. On the other hand, being with children is only drudgery if you lack the interest or intelligence to engage with them and stimulate them. What you put in is what you get out, just like most work, really...