Is SAHM better than childcare? Does no one worry?

[Zon]

In my home country the key discussion topic when mums talk about childcare is the impact of it. What will it do to your child (emotionally, developmentally etc.) if you are a working parent and your child sees you much less? Many parent find that at least one of the parents should be there for more than half of the week. Somehow it doesn't seem such an issue here. Is this true or have I just missed it? Do you worry about the impact of childcare on your baby/child?

Beautifully diplomatic Zon.

I agree that there is the assumption that working mothers spend every waking hr burdened by guilt and apprehension.
Usually, they do not.
Of course there are some who feel worried and apprehensive when they go back to work, it is quite a normal feeling to have.
But the same mothers overcome their worries when they fell into a routine and see that their children are all right.
Because children are usually fine.

It is not spending a few hrs in the care of someone who is not your parent that screws up your life.

Of any of the things that have happened in DS's short life that might screw him up, I'm pretty sure that my phases of working/not working aren't high on the hitlist. So its easier for me to get a degree of perspective about what is important. If the worst thing to ever to happen to you/your child is for you to go back to work/have to stay home when you would prefer not to, its more difficult to see it as a relatively minor deal in the grand scheme of things.

Xenia Sat 21-Jan-12 19:04:16
"(That is not a representation of my views although the principal issue is that the more housewives tehre are the more our daughters are damaged and the less likely women will ever move beyond owning 1% of the world's wealth and earning only 30% of its income - we have a long way to go and every woman becoming a housewife is like a little death and a stab in the back to other women)"

But how on earth can you imagine that you are helping this worthy cause by making wildly exaggerated statements? Won't people just ignore you?

I seem to garner much attention always and everywhere lucky me - probably because I have a very true message and they sit at my feet and learn.

You're being v sardonic with that quip Xenia
On the wind up I fear

Not read whole thread, for which I apologise. I work full time. I love my work. I love my kids. I spend every evening and every weekend with DCs. I hire a cleaner which means I dont have to spend time doing housework when I could be spending time doing fun things with them. DP and I share the rest of the chores. Basically, the DCs see us (as parents) as equals. Therefore I don't feel guilty. Equally if being a SAHM/SAHD works for others, great.

Xenia. I have indeed learnt many things from your posts, but based on the interesting interpretations of what I have written (i.e the exact opposite of what I was tryingt to say) I doubt your messages have got through as you you intended.

I'm glad the Zon returned.

Xenia Sun 22-Jan-12 22:54:17
"I seem to garner much attention always and everywhere lucky me - probably because I have a very true message and they sit at my feet and learn."

Ah, is that what we do? Sorry, I didn't realise. But then I was too thick to even work out where my fellow SAHMs kept the gin bottle.

There are all sorts of assumptions being made about sahps too, I forgot to say...

Anyone for a G&T?

so whats the executive summary,lets cut to the precis

1. the biscuit munching monosyllabic housewives slug gin all day.to cope with low achievement and career and brain mass lost festering at home

2.the working mums are abandoning their weans to day care orphanage in pursuit of trinkets and baubles. and dont even have good grace to feel guilty about it

that just about covers it

A good summary

well yes,my dc first word was money not mummy
ive done a good job there then

Agreed. Spread more love, I'll burn my judgy pants now.
Diazepam, Vodka and juice for me.

Well done scottishmummy, you have hit the nail absolutely on the head with your summing-up.

But what about the part time working mums?

Oh bugger. I was so busy working today I forgot to feel guilty... Should I feel guilty about that?

I like Xenia. She brings balance to the left leaning MN community.

Hello, Xenia. :-)

I don't find Xenia's views refreshing, simple because she rams them down our throats as if we are all simpletons.

Thanks, Xenia, but I am not a simpleton

I do, however, support her right to live her life as she pleases and we do NEED high achieving women to set an example to other women and to send the message that being successful in your career and having children are not incompatible and that women can rule the world and be mothers IF THEY WANT TO. But not everyone does. Many of us dont find the idea of a 12 hour day at the office fun full stop, let alone when we have other responsibilities outside of work.

Personally, I worked full time in a very successful career when my first child was born, yet despite having a totally supportive and hands-on husband who does his absolute equal share of housework and childcare...and despite having a nanny and a cleaner...and despite my mum living down the road as back-up childcare..and despite liking my job and being very good at it...I was still miserable. I was always rushing from one thing to the next, living on adrenalin. You may relish that life, Xenia, but it is not for everyone.

I stayed at home for 2 years after no.2 came along (some lovely moments and I definitely wish I had stayed at home for longer after my first was born, but it wasn't for me long term) then did a full-time Masters degree, retraining for a different career (was totally refreshing to be a student again) then worked part-time for a year gaining some experience in my new field (work-life balance was great, but the money wasnt) and finally, finally decided that if there werent the jobs out there that would pay me well and let me work flexibly - so that I could also sometimes pick my kids up from school, or make them dinner, or do homework with them, or just do silly, spur-of-the-moment things like take them for a bike ride at 4pm on a sunny afternoon...then I would damn well create that role myself. My husband did the same years ago - left the corporate slog and set up a consultancy where he basically doesnt ever work before 10am or after 5pm or ever work weekends and takes most school holidays and the whole of December and August off. he inspire dme. If HE could do it, I could bloody well do it, too.

I am now self employed, work four short-ish days (9-3-ish) per week, am earning good money and absolutely love my life. Oh, and I work term-time only, although my job isnt in a school. Its the holy fucking grail It has been a bit of a slog to set it all up, but I have done it off my own back and now feel I have the best of both worlds.

I think YOU could learn a lot from me, actually, Xenia . I made milkshakes with my kids this morning, worked 10-3, then took my kids swimming after school and am now painting my toenails on the sofa and drinking wine. I dont envy your life in the slightest, Xenia...

IMO,Xenia isn't any more strident than precious moments mamas,and the why have em if you leave them with strangers crew who cite online research and shitsville uni data

They are equally combative,and nippy sweeties too

This debate is mn perennial as it's so pertinent to most of us,and that's why its always high expressed emotion

I don't think MH you know how I work. I'm in the house pretty often. I adore my work but I run and own it all so I do what I like.

Great stuff merryhippo, I like the fact that both you and partner have opted to reduce your working hours - and it's not so you can Stay At Home, it's so you can do those spontaneous things that make life worth living.

Working long hours in an all-encompassing career for our whole lives does not mean we are more equal to men. On the other hand men working more flexibly, will.

I think we have all been subjected to long monologues about you work, Xenia., and how you left your breastfed twins at 6 weeks to run the office etc etc etc.

I've been here since 2003 and have the memory of an elephant

Look, I'm not attacking you or your attitude towards your own work and life. I'm attacking your attitude towards other women. Its not on. Being successful in your job does not give you the right to be condescending and superior.

I do agree, scottishmummy, that Xenia's 'Oh you poor, dull, pathetic little SAHM' comments are no worse than the 'But why have the poor ickle bubbaz if you dont spend 24 hours a day wiping their arses' comments.

Talk about putting women in little boxes.

J, I have no problems at this stage in female history in people being at home as long as the default position is that if someone has to be it's the man. Unless and as long as it remains muggins mummy who shoots her career to pieces and regrets it later then we will never get women into much power in the UK. It is a political issue and a very imkportant one.

By all means have a part time worker parent but ensure it has a penis until we have 50% of boards, positions of power etc etc female and then we can return to it being a politically neutral decision as to who stays home. For now it isn't.

Xenia, speaking as someone who does agree with many of your points, do you think it is ok for women to be teachers? Or, another point, have jobs where they don't run the company?
What about a woman who wants to breastfeed and has a successful career but doesn't run the place so wouldn't have the luxury of seeing her dc whenever she likes, as you did?
While many women work full time and strive to climb the career ladder, not everyone can be at the top.