Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

[kcj748]

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

We chose the nursery through personal reccomendation and visits. We visited a few and chose the one that felt right. It was smalll, not at all grand looking as some of the others were, but had lovely ,stable staff. Ds1 is 6 now and all the staff that were there when he started are still there. Go with your gut feeling and remember, you can change your mind if it doesnt work out.

I have read the book thermos is referring to and also agree she is misinterpreting it somewhat. The damage is done when an infant receives NO love/care/gentleness/commitment in the early days/weeks/months/years. If however a decent childcare set up is present, then IMO emotional neglect is not an issue if the mother decides for whatever reason to go back to work. I'm a nanny, and prefer to work from newborn-3yrs old (at least) with the same child, as I think it's very important to have familiarity and an evolution of positive relationships in the early years. So far every child I have looked after is happy, confident, bright and sociable - and just as importantly, their parents feel good about the decisions they made for the good of their family. I love my charges, not as a parent would certainly, but with a deep and committed desire for the very best life I can help my charge have IYSWIM. I cuddle, wipe tears, tend to wounds, have tea parties, read the same book over and over again, make playdoh, sing to sleep, tell off, praise, encourage and cuddle some more every child I have ever looked after. I don't for one minute think that each child has suffered from their parents being at work. If anything, I believe that each child's life has been enriched by having another adult in their life who has loved them and helped them explore their world and find their place within it. Surely that's a good thing?

I totally agree wrinklyraisin. I think the idea of having lots of people involved in your child's life rather than exclusively mum and dad is a wonderful thing.

I'm a childminder kcj, and fwiw would like to disagree wholeheartedly with thermosflasks posts about a childminder not being able to give attention and love to a baby, and not being able to meet his/her emotional needs. Utter, utter rubbish!
I love the children I look after, quite unreservedly in fact. They have become part of my extended family. Working with their parents I am a role model, a disciplinarian, someone to play with, someone to cuddle, a teacher, I fulfil the roles their parent would, should they not have to go to work.
For most people returning to work it's harder on the Mum than the child, ime.
Find someone you are happy and comfortable with. Look on childcare.co.uk and call the Families Information Service, they will be able to give you a list of childcare providers in your area with spaces. There is a search function on the NCMA website too. Chat on the phone, pop in for a coffee and to see how they run their setting.
It would be nice not to have to work, but we cannot all afford (financially, and other reasons) to make that choice. I have been the Mum with a child looked after daily by a childminder and now I'm the childminder in that scenario. In either case I have never had a concern for my child's or a mindee's emotional wellbeing.

Word of mouth is always a good one - childminders always know childminders and nannies always know nannies... (and often will warn you off the poor ones).

You can find childminders and nannies (sadly already employed!) where their charges are, just get chatting to anyone you meet who has kids/babies, networking is the way forward.

DS1 went to nursery in Canary Wharf - it was 1600 a month for a full-time place in the baby room (3 years ago so probably gone up since then).

Between babies we moved to the suburbs and we now pay about 800 a month for 4 days in the baby room.

Nursery costs generally go down as the children get older (less adults needed for older children).

By the time DS2 goes to school, he'll have been there for 4 years - it's ridiculous to equate excellent childcare to giving your baby to a complete stranger to look after.

I went back to work 3 days at first by tacking my holiday accrued on ML onto the end of leave not in one lump sum but took days off a week for 3 months or so. I then went back four days and eventually FT but working one day from home. If you can work from home one day, it's much easier because you (and your baby) have a much shorter day. DS was with a nursery at first but then his key carer (who he and I loved) left and the care went downhill drastically after that. So when he was about a year old I moved him to a CM where he stayed until he was 3 1/2.

He is very affectionate and very happy. I am saving up for therapy though of course

I have worked in nurseries where we have had babies as young as 12 weeks 5 full days a week and I mean 7.30-6 because their parents have had to go back to work, my mum is a childminder and has had one from 10 weeks, he is now 17 and also their godson, again his mum had to return then to work full time. I am a nanny and my last two jobs have been from when baby was 3 weeks in one job, all be it with mum working from home so kind of around and my current baby was 9 weeks and mum went back part time for a few weeks and then 3 11 hr days a week.

When we have a baby I will have to go back when baby is around 6 weeks, I know I am lucky in that baby can come with me so not the same, but the baby will have to fit in around my charges day as I am being paid to look after them.

I know many nanny's who have started jobs when the baby has been between 3 and 6 months and the baby has in no way suffered, it has been cared for in its own home with its own things around it, on a one to one basis.

Good luck and I hope whatever you decided works out for you.

I had friends who put their child at a nursery in canary wharf. Absolutely loved it. And it was the father who did the drop off and pick up. He also drastically changed his working pattern to fit in with his DD. Something which no one including his DW predicted (he's one of my best friends so I can say this!!). Still made his packets of money and 6figure bonuses but he changed when he had his bubba.

Another friend decided between herself and the DH that he would stay home and be the main caregiver. I have tremendous respect for him and he goes along to baby groups etc. Now they have 2. She goes to work from 7-4 just so she can be back to help with night time routines etc.

You may find you change your mind. Or that you know for sure you want to go back. Or go back part time. Or compressed hours. Or.... Do speak with HR and your boss though. They might surprise you (hopefully in a good way)!!

And fwiw we have step relatives whose children were/are cared for by grandparents and mum. And frankly I'm so appalled by the child's eating habits and behavior that well if that's what being cared for by 'family' is, I rather put my kids in nursery for sure.

Will the family member you mentioned be available other days too as emergency back up? This could make the huge difference imo. Nurseries and c/m wont take ill children and they 'll call you in the middle of the day to collect the baby if he's unwell. Nannies will take ill children but you have to have back up or time off work when the nanny is ill. Also, you need to account for transport problems, delays etc,

So basically with 2 demanding careers you need a very good back up plan.

But as someone earlier said, you might feel differently when the time comes and you might decide not to work at all or to do something else more flexible.

I honestly cannot believe there are 'mothers' in this world who think it's ok to leave their 5 month old baby for 50 hours a week with another person. At 5 months that baby has spent longer in the womb than in the outside world. At least spend the first year of your child's life with him/her and then go to work if you have to.

And all my comments are not based on reading that one book. They are based on my gut instinct as a mother as to what a young baby needs. It seems that many of you have completely lost touch with your natural instincts as a mother and that is such a shame for your children.

And to all of you who are nannies childminders to babies left with you full time from as early as 12, your stories make me feel so sad for that tiny baby who cannot speak for him/herself and communicate his needs to his/her mother. I don't doubt that you all do the best job you can, but nobody can replace a child's mother. Sadly I have a feeling that many of you will even disagree with me on that.

12 weeks. Wish it were 12 years old.

So you are actually a parent then thermos?

well thermosflask well done for being a superior 'mother'

we all do our best, stop being so damned judgemental

Yaaaaawn thermosflask. How on earth do you think previous generations managed. You do realise that SAHMs are a relatively new phenomenon don't you? And yet previous generations somehow survived.

Basing your entire approach to life on a single book is the mark of a fanatic btw

Yes I am a mother to 2 DC's.

How does expressing my opinion, which happens to oppose yours, mean I am being judgmental? As I have said many times, all I am doing is being an advocate for a little baby who cannot speak up for himself/herself. How does that translate to me being judgmental?

So we cannot evolve as a society and learn from our past mistakes? I do feel sorry for your children, I really do.

thermosflake - dd and ds are able to speak now and would like to watch tv and eat chocolate all day. Should I let them?

Yes thermos, but you're saying it over and over and over again.

My DS is fine thanks, no need for you to feel sorry for him

(see there you crossed from being judgemental into being patronising)

You still havent answered my earlier questions about what the damage is and what age it occurs. Ds is 15 - will it happen soon?

~ rainbowsky
Yes, DS didn't want to get out of his bed this morning, I obviously should have left him there, gone back to bed, sacked off work and stayed at home making sure his every whim is taken care of rather than earning money to buy him food.

Yes. Much better plan

obviously (though gin seems like a rather good idea)

The CM's role is not to replace a parent, rather a committed loving carer, responsive to the baby's cues and needs

The CM is most emphatically NOT a stranger, but a familiar person who weaves each child and their family into their setting, supporting both the child and the parent(s) as well. I don't know of ANYONE who has placed their child into childcare without getting to know the caregiver first.

I abhor the notion that mothers are the only ones who can provide optimum care for children, how insulting to discount the contribution of half of the parenting population

In fact ds said to me the other day he didnt really want that £25 to buy some new jeans, he woudl much rather I gave up work.