Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

[kcj748]

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

I have been on MN for many years. The quality and intelligence levels of posters on here has markedly deteriorated over the past couple of years and this thread just proves my point.

haha, yes.

We really should thank thermos for giving our babies a voice. They certainly don't have one of their own, do they

Sorry, but it's been a long day and this is, frankly, getting bloody ridiculous.

I've been on mumsnet for nearly 8 years. In fact I remember posting about going back to work and expressing when dd was 5 months old - she's nearly 8!

Rainbow, you are precisely the sort of poster I am talking about.

So my intelligence has decreased in the last couple of years. Is that the "damage" you speak of? So that means it happens when you are 37 and you lose your intelligence. Thanks for answering.

"I have been on MN for many years. The quality and intelligence levels of posters on here has markedly deteriorated over the past couple of years and this thread just proves my point."

No thermos, your inability to accept that people have a perfectly valid opinion that differs from yours proves the point. Intelligent people are able to accept that others do things differently and say "that's not how I do it, but I'm not living your life so we'll just agree to disagree".

I chose a CM rather than nursery after reading Raising Happy Children. I was very lucky that she was my DD's sole charge on those days until quite recently (nearly 2) so she had lots of one-on-one attention. And my childminder does love her. I can see why people who don't work don't like the idea that a paid caregiver can love your child but she definitely does, and DD loves her back. And all to the good, I say...

kcj - I work long hours, so I went part-time. Is that an option for you? Economically, obviously, and if you could afford it, would your employer go for it?

OP, you do not have to make a decision for life now.

You can see how you feel after 4 months.

I have had quite a few colleagues who planned to come back full time after birth, but were never able to do it.

I know a few who HAVE come back, and they find it hard at times, but have chosen what they think is best.

I know SAHMs who are so bored they almost go insane.

I know WOHM who feel so guilty and harassed they can never relax (also, jealousy with the CM or nanny can start to play a role)

I know women who work part time and find they cannot give 100% to their child, and neither can they give 100% to the job, which means they are stressed as well.

I know some happy SAHMs, and some happy WOHMs as well though!

But it is hard to get it right, it also depends on the baby. Some are easy going and others are sickly or clingy.

So try to be true to yourself, and don't justify your decisions on a public forum , just do what you do for you and your family.

One thing to offer up your opinion thermos, but you're saying that your way is the only way and that anything else is wrong, that you can't believe it, yadda yadda (yawn) etc.

I'm interested in your opinion of childcare in general though. What age do think children can go to nursery/preschool? Do you think children should be with a stay at home parent until school for example?

Oh and as to where to find a CM - childcare.co.uk has an advert on the right and is as good a place as any!

My Ds was 17 weeks old when I returned to full time work and I often had to leave him from 06:00hrs until 22:30 hours. Yes he was with his Grandad, but even so, it was needs must.

Ahhh..... just read some of the ...more dramatic posts ...I don't think I'll get involved in this one

Lolling at Thermos' good work on this thread.

Thermos, with debating skills like the ones you've shown on this thread I'm seriously considering returning to work full time JUST to stick two fingers up.

Fine, make your point. Fine cite some points to back it up (preferably above and beyond ONE selectively interpreted book and your "instincts").

But the point at which you descend into bullying and insults is the point at which people stop listening and start to actively WANT to disagree with you.

I'm deciding to bow out of this one gracefully as if everyone had opinions like thermos I'd be out of a job!
Suffice to say I think she's spouting utter codswallop and is lucky to be in such a grandiose position looking down upon us mere working mortals.

IME babies have quite a loud voice.

Thermos, do you really believe that children will ONLY thrive under their mothers care? Because tbh that's ridiculous and unrealistic. Mothers (and fathers) all choose what's best for their family at any given time, and for some it's not even a choice!!! Personally I firmly believe in the "it takes a village" philosophy, and give children credit from birth that they are adaptable enough to accept and thrive on love and care from anyone who is a part of their day to day life. I know when I have children I will want my child to be surrounded by love from not only its parents, but also other family members, friends, caregivers. To think a child will only thrive under the care of the mother is going to lead to that child being isolated in its childhood as no one else is "good enough" IMO.

thermosflask, posters who choose to/have to leave their babies have always been very defensive on Mumsnet. I don't think it's a new thing. You are totally entitled to your views, and some posters are being quite rude to you.

While I personally consider myself very lucky not to have had to leave my babies to earn a living, I have had the honor of caring for other peoples babies, some of them for 50 hours a week. All the mothers were fine with their decision, and tbh, all the babies I cared for had loads of hugs/eye contact/warmth and are doing very well as much older children today. I totally cared about those babies, gave them as much care and attention as I would my own DC, and cried buckets when they moved on.

It's a bit like the breast feeding/bottle feeding debate. Some babies lives would be much worse if they didn't have access to formula/their mothers didn't work.

It's a very fine balancing act.

I personally wish my mother hadn't worked when I was small (she went back to work when I was about 8 weeks) but if she hadn't, she may well have lost the plot completely, and who knows where we would have all ended up.

But, back to the OP....when I was pregnant, I totally believed I would be happy to leave my baby with anybody...how wrong I was! Check out nurseries/childminders, etc. IME, a decent childminder will have a routing in place, and your baby will be the only child under one, allowing them to give plenty of individual attention. Possibly more than a nanny, who may get a little bored with only one baby to care for.

Surely there is no need for you to go back to work before you baby is 6 months?

Oh and more constructively - OP I would wait and see how you feel about returning to work. Personally I couldn't physically have returned to work at 4 months, my babies were both still waking two hourly at that point and I would have been useless.

It doesn't hurt to sound out your childcare options - though be aware that some childminders won't take reservations more than a month or two in advance, and similarly nanny shares are usually sorted out only a couple of months before you return to work. It depends on your area though.

I left my first at a nursery at 6 months old 5 days a week 7.30-6 and it did no harm and I loved my job too! I do regret it now as when I had my second I found a part time job and love the time I spend with him and feel my 1st missed out! Having it all is a myth I think! It's tough though!

Great post, Chandon!

OP - this is a totally normal scenario for many children in Belgium., Maternity leave is just 15 months, even less if you are not breastfeeding (8 weeks), and many babies go to childcare 40-50 hours a week.

I even have friends who have done this and continues the principle of attachment parenting - breastfeeding and co/sleeping to maintain a close bond with the baby.

It's hard work, but with good childcare (and good back up child care when your baby is sick), it can be done.

15 weeks that should read not 15 months!

I agree with you Thermosflask.Unfortunately the system is not good for those that have bought property and have quite high outgoings[or else why would anyone do this to their children]...at least wait until they can talk.

Just because it is seemingly the norm it does not mean it is ok.Effectively some one else is rearing the child you chose to have

DS1 was not quite 3m when I went back to work full-time. Was away from him for approx 9 hours. I carried on bfing at night and weekends and co-slept. My CM was a living saint mind you! Get yourself a good CM and all will be well. But be prepared to change your mind though - if you don't have to work you might find that you can't do it once the baby is here (or so I am told )

thermos - as I was the main earner when DS1 was born, by a massive margin, do you think that perhaps I should have given up work and been unable to keep a roof over my child's head? Or perhaps that women who don't have a high-earning man attached shouldn't give birth at all? I'd be interested to know.