Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

[kcj748]

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

imagine reading all that shit if you're pregnant and strapped for cash and thinking- "wtf am I going to do when the baby comes? I don't have any investments."

Ugh.

whangers ha ha

pigsfart, thanks for answering

you sound like a really brilliant nanny, the kids and their parents are lucky to have you!

TO HARVERINA.. i would be very upset if one of my mums described me as a 'stranger' who she leaves her child with.. as a cm i am definatly NOT.. some of my kids have been with me full time for 3 years and we know each other inside out..

understand what you are saying but if you feel like that about your cm then you are with the wrong carer...

KCJ748 - I haven't read all of the thread, but I get the feeling you will be a lovely mum! There is SO MUCH MORE to being a parent than simply showing up and being present! When you go back to work, your baby will know you are her/his mum, the baby will always be yours, and what a great example to pass on a strong work ethic and the importance of doing a job you enjoy to your child.

I have read the Sue Gerhardt book, there is nothing in there to suggest it is harmful to leave your child to work - it is more important to have a positive and non-judgemental attitude to your baby, being a parent and your work, and this will in turn have a positive effect on your baby. And moments of negativity are, or course, normal!

Where I live 6m maternity leave is the max, a friend who lives in South Africa has 4 months max.

ENJOY your pregnancy, all of the ups and downs, don't worry about work for now, it will all flow as it is meant with a little bit of forward planning!

Thanks ssd I'll quote that next time I'm looking for work!

I do my best, as do a lot of other childcare proffesionals. I just wanted the OP and other posters to see that yes, we care for your kids as any primary carer would and hopefully my charges will grow up as well-adjusted and happy as any other child whatever their care situation!

kjc, you sounds so sensible and excited! I have no doubt that life will be tough on and off over the next few years and absolutely no doubt that your son will have a fantastic mum!

A few things;

You will be utterly exhausted every which way, the emotional exhaustion is IMHO the hardest for a new mum. A slow return to work will make life easier for you. It will, I am sure, be much harder on you than your son, especially as you will clearly be sorting excellent child care.

You have said a few things that I think are very valid to consider. I agree with you having a variety of caring adults around is very good for a babe and you are right that sometimes an older child needs parents around more than a babe.

My sons are now teens and they seem to need me to be available more than they ever have. If they are not unusual (and I don't think they are but I am sure others will chip in) then planning to return to work when your son is young and to be more flexible when the child is older makes perfect sense.

I hate recommending books to parents, the best advice is always to listen to everyone and then do what you think is right but I have a feeling you may like this one.

www.amazon.co.uk/Life-After-Birth-Kate-Figes/dp/0140252630/ref=sr_1_11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311693317&sr=1-11

I really struggled as anew mum, mainly with identity issues and I really wish I had been able to read this while pregnant. It was so reassuring to see others had similar issues. Don't worry, it will not tell you what to do - just how new mothers sometimes feel.

Shakti - yes that is what turned out best for me. When my DD was 16 weeks to 4 years she was with her CM from 8 - 6 every day. She never once complained and was perfectly happy. This allowed me to build my career and so once she reached school age and became a little more "needy" - you know, "mummy can you come to school and tell my teacher I have lost my library book" Or "can my friend come round after school for tea" I had made myself indispensible to my employers and could demand more flexibility.

raising children is a very important job, much more important, say than running a bank, .

I shouldn't think that being a mother and not having a job aswell would in any way not make you a full human being. quite the opposite infact.

"women exist to raise men's children" I think you are missing the point. It is western soceity that says that working and having a job is better / more fulfilling than raising children. Not necessarily true. englad has the worst record in europe for treating children well. If i were to say anything to make a chepa point I'd say men go out to work to allow women to do the important job of raising children.

However society is a lot more sophisticated than that. In any kind of soceity someone needs to bring in food and someone needs to care for the children.

I do agree that new babies need mothers and child care is never as good as the real thing but everything is a compromise somewhere.

OP I personally wouldn't do what you are planning and I think Thermos has a fair point. Glad to hear that no one's new borns complained about their child care arrangements too

rubbish,being a sahp isnt a job.it is tasks,a role but not equivalent to a job.no way

waiting on someone rocking up saying "'ardest job in world"
or demanding a salary for doing own sweet thang

"England has the worst record in Europe for treating children well."

Really? Romania, Moldova, Bulgaria, Russia...big institutional orphanages where most of the children aren't orphans at all, but abandoned? Children begging on the streets? At least all children in UK get an education.

Where did you get your statistics from? I know we are not near the top, but to say we have the worst record is a bit rich.

free nhs birth and post natal check
free gp and pct
free precription for necessary medications
free schooling
access to benefits if on low income or not working
free books
free 15hr week nursery upon qualification
specialist paediatric nurse,ot, physio or sw if required
....a uk child is overall well provided for. yes there are structural inequalities yes but o absolute poverty. poverty measure are usually relative relative and based upon average wage

but when you look at what we have as baseline its pretty good

I agree scottishmummy.
OP I also hear what you're saying about having others involved in dc's life. Childminder is an excellent option. I really feel that our cm is a relative after DS' time with her

kcj748 I understand if it isnt possible to have a flexible return to work. This was certainly the case for me, having my children relatively early in my career meant that I wasnt in a position to dictate terms.

As others have said, keep an open mind about childcare options. What suits for a baby may not suit so well for a toddler. My first childminder was brilliant, absolutely what I needed. She was older (my mother's age) and gave me advice which I happily took but would have thrown back in my mother's face.

Good luck!

op,arrange all your childcare now.cant be too organised
ask about work from home, or can you do some projects at home, would remote access it help you?

thebody by stranger I meant that a cm or nanny is not a member of family...I am really happy with our cm. But ultimately I am paying a childcare professional to care for my dd and I feel guilty about that. You will always start out as a stranger.

However, I chose a cm over a nursery because I did want a home from home environment and I did want my child to develop a secure attachment to one carer.

Hi, I am a childminder & have a cpl of children who (on various days) I have cared for since they were tiny, 3month & 4 month, I do not think in anyway they have missed out on special bonding time with mum. My 'children' are really happy to see me & put their arms out to me when they arrive with mum & are also very happy to see mum at end of day. The baby I cared for from 3months is now 2 &half yrs, & is a happy lively little boy & a much loved member of my little family who talks about his family during the day but also while on holiday told him mum he missed us all. I, as a childminder by no means replace mum or dad but i know that 'my parents' are very happy with the way i care for their child & they wanted a home-away-from home care for their child/ren. I understand parents have to go back to work all too earley but I think as long as u find the right carer for your child everything will fall into place & all will be happy. Please take your time in finding the right carer, visit them a few times before deciding (the right cm will not mind this but will welcome this, I did), see how your child interacts, go on your first instinct, its normally right. Good luck with all you do

Debbie

Debbie that is a lovely post

One more thing from me .... as I said my DD was with a nanny from between 7 and 8 months. She had one main nanny but others covered mat leave, holidays and other absences. When she started pre-school at 3 she relished it and got on brilliantly with both teachers, when she started school at 5 it was the same, many of the other girls found the separation from their SAHP very difficult to deal with, tears and anguish for weeks on end .... it may be total coincidence or it may be because my DD had learnt that there are many lovely, caring people out there and it isn't only Mommy who gives you A1 love and attention and a life of fun and learning. A couple of parents said to me that they wished they had put their DDs in some sort of childcare much earlier as the break was harder at 5.

Windee

I think you need to get over the whole guilt thing if you're going to work. I know I've said this before but I'm going to say it again: the SAHM is a new concept. Women have only been SAHMs since the 1950s - so about 60 years. Before that they didn't care for their children in a focused way. Some took their children to work, some hired nannies even though they weren't working, some were left with friends or relatives, some children were attached to the leg of the kitchen table with a dog lead as a poster here recounted the other day. My mother was looked after by my grandparents' landlady before she started school. My dad's parents worked shifts and he was left essentially alone while his dad was asleep upstairs. That is what used to happen. It wasn't great but it was the reality for a lot of families. Children nowadays are much, much better off than they ever have been in terms of the standard and dedication of their care.

Having children who are the sole focus of a carer is a newfound luxury and unless thermosflask is saying that everyone in the past several thousands years is a total fuck up then I think that argument can be disregarded entirely.

Incidentally thermosflask - if it's so easy to get back into work when you've taken time out to raise children, why aren't you working again given your children are now in school?

agree,christine.op you need to be resolute and sure of your choices
as i said you'll encounter the face and the precious moments mamas who will have something to say

i actually think the investment in working in the baby years pays off.amkes it easier to go ask for time off, flexi working, home working as you have demonstrably put the graft in before they go to school. if you can afford it, pre-school is easy peasy. its school,and holidays and meetings and plays etc that impinge. so do continue to invest,in 5yr time you will be in stronger bargaining position and 5yr more work experience too

thermosflask, I suggest you read "How not to f* them up" by Oliver James. He says that "responsive" care is what counts in the first year but it doesn't necessarily have to come from the mother. We can all find books and resources to fit our own opinions.

schadenfreude - two years ago a survey / research was done from 21 european countries - england came bottom, it was big news

HARVERINA.. understand your point of course..

KALO12.. have you ever been to India, pakistan, eastern europe.. we do not have the worst record.. where on earth do you get your facts from.. utter rubbish..

SCOTTISHMUMMY ..excellent list

CHRISTINEDEPIZZAN... well said...

DEBPRAHM.. just so agree with you as a fellow cm.. totally right..

THERMOS.. you are of course entitled to your opinion but imo its harsh, silly and actually factually wrong...