Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

[kcj748]

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

Thanks so much for all the great advice everyone. So great to get some people's opinions on this. You can read as many books and articles as you like but nothing compares to advice from real people?

KateMiddleton - is it possible for me to go back to work after 5 months and then my husband take some time following that? I was under the impression he could only take the initial two weeks but could take more if i wasn't planning on taking maternity leave?

That's why I've had a 2 week handover period with our nanny both times I returned to work.

I can say with 100% certainty that our nanny loves the boys enormously. I've seen her distraught when they've been ill, weep when they've been sad and celebrate each of their successes alongside DH and me.

Our nanny is a far better carer (of very young children) than I am.

Intensive SAHMing is a relatively recent phenomenon anyway. And people put a lot more thought and care into selecting childcare now, especially with the profusion of (often spurious) studies criticising working parents.

Do look into a nanny share if you can't commit to a full time nanny.

hi op... I would say going back to work at 4 or 5 months will be really tough on you. Apart from anything babies still wake quite a bit at that age. If you can wait a few more months I would. I went back to work when both my children were 8 or 9 months old. Both were a bit more independent (dd was walking) and weaning was well under way and both were eating more and sleeping better during the night.

It is hard at first leaving your baby with someone, I used to get insanely jealous of our childminder with ds. But I was lucky and she was my sisters' childminder who had raised her two dd's and she was like my ds's third grandmother. I would trust her with his life. If you can afford a nanny I do believe it's a gentler option if you're worried about how you will feel. Somehow I felt better about leaving ds and dd in their own home, with their own toys and things around them for familiarity.

I do think Thermos is being hysterical. By her account no woman would return to work, the problem of poverty among women would be a thousand times worse. If we made some pretty drastic cutbacks I could probably give up work, but to be honest I don't feel comfortable relying totally on my dh for income. In this economic climate it's foolhardy. Plus, despite the fact that our marriage is very solid, divorce affects about 4 in 10 marriages and I'm not so smug as to assume it won't happen to me. In those circumstances retaining the ability to make my own money (and a decent amount of it, not entry level salary after 10 years as a SAHM) is crucial to my survival and my children's.

thermos my mother went back to work full time when I was three months old. I am now an adult. Please tell me what signs I should be looking out for... I already tap three times is it connected?!

My first nanny job (18 years ago) was working Mon - Fri, &.30 - 6.30.

Since then I have had several nanny roles that i worked 10/11 hours a day. It is perfectly normal for parents to work those hours as long as they have excellent childcare in place

Yup. Rules changed for babies born after 3 April 2011. See here or get yourself over to Employment Issues and they'll sort you out over there.

Gist is mother must take first 20 weeks leave then father can take rest but mother must return to work.

Thermos you're misunderstanding the book. It is a book I really like, but it principally explains the problems caused by emotional neglect. Providing a baby or child with high quality childcare which is stable and has a low ratio of adult to children is not emotional neglect.

I'm a SAHM by the way.

My mother worked full time through out my childhood. We're very close. I wouldn't change a thing but then she did find us a thoroughly lovely nanny (until my slightly odd grandma took over) but I had a lovely childhood. I don't think I'm emotionally damaged. When will the signs start to show? Is mid30s too early?

Well I have both worked as a p/t teacher and used a childminder, and have now become a childminder. So feel I have experience from both sides.
I initially used a nursery and it was obvious my ds wasn't happy, although he couldn't tell me, as a parent you are tuned into your child and can "just see"!
I immediately found alternative childcare I was really happy with the childminder.
Now I childmind, and pretty much most of the time, my mindees come running in to see what toys are out today, they come and chat, and just fit in with the hustle and bustle of home life. With lots of love and nurturing they grow and develop and are very happy little souls.
As a childminder I feel I provide a really warm friendly fun filled home, where the children are relaxed and know they are loved. I recently took on a baby who was 12 weeks old, although it was only for one day a week, and she was such a happy little thing and we got into a great little routine. My 5 year old would sit and play with her and the mindee ,i feel, loved all the different experiences I was giving her. We all do things in different ways - we are all different, and the main thing is that they get love and attention.

So thermos - although children can't speak, they do have feelings, which we as parents do pick up on! So we can tell if a child is happy or not in my opinion.

Plus a happy parent makes a happy child.

I think its doable OP, but I would really recommend that you explore all options for making life easier on you and your family.

For example, working less days (4 day week is ideal) even if that means you doing 5 days in 4 (by working from home, or your DH picking up baby at 6pm whilst you work longer at the office). That extra day can be invaluable for getting on top of household chores, appointments, doing something with baby, resting!

Also think about possibly taking longer maternity leave if you can. I was a different person once my babies started sleeping through. Luckily I went back at 9m and 12m with DD and DS respectively, but if I had gone back at 3m I think I would have just sat at my desk gibbering after 4 hours sleep!!!

Plus, think long and hard about whether your DH is likely to pull his weight, and whether you will be able to afford a cleaner etc. Trying to get everything done on a weekend when you've got a baby is NOT the same as trying to get everything done when its just you. Everything take 10 times longer.

Basically it comes down to whether you can take the pressure. Your DC will be fine if you find a good CM/nursery, but YOU as a family also need to be fine.

I've never posted on this topic before but just wanted to let the OP know that I returned to work when both of mine were just 6 months, I left them with a lovely childminder from 8am until 6.30/7pm (unless DH could collect them earlier).

They still spend time with her now after school & choose to spend time with her in the holidays (they are 5 and 6 yrs), she is their '3rd' grandma, the relationship they have with her, and our family, is wonderful.

They are still friends with the 'babies' they grew up with (her other charges from those days) and are brilliant with the little kids she looks after because they've always understood that the world doesn't always revolve around them.

They are both balanced kids who have benefited hugely from the care and attention that she has for them, and their lives are rich because of it.

It is hard, but it can work, and you must do what feel right for you and your family. Find the right childminder/nanny and it won't feel as hard as you fear.

DD went to nursery from 6 months old, normally 8-11 hours a day as both DP and myself work full time. She was at a nursery with a small group of babies of similar age, and staff ratio of 1:3, so got plenty of attention. Like people posted above, it took longer to adjust than she did.

The romantic notion that a mother has to be glued to her baby 24/7 stems from the white middle classes from the 20th century. It wasn't the norm before that, it isn't the norm today and it has never been the norm in many other parts of society. Don't eat yourself up about it.

Thanks for your comment Ciske (and everyone else who has made me feel much better!) Was the nursery you sent your daughter to expensive? I originally was planning on looking into a nanny as I didn't think childminder/nursery was an option for a child under one. Realistically getting a nanny will be enormously expensive and the option of a childminder/nursery would be amazing. Is it fairly standard for them to take babies?

My mum went back full time when I was 6mths old, I am 38 now- should the signs of emotional abuse have shown themselves?? Please tell me what to look out for.

Both my ds went to nursery from 6mths for 3 days a week, they are happy, confident boys because their mother was a happy, confident mother. This is largely due to the choices I made, every family is different, so do what works for you.

I went back to work full-time (did 4 long days instead of 5 normal ones) when DD was 4 months.

She was with a Childminder 1-2-1 until 6 months and the CM actually asked if I'd mind if she took on another child to give mine a bit of company!

At just over 2 years old, DD is still with the same CM and loves her to bits. I would have loved to have spent more time with DD because I hated the job I went back into, but I didn't have a choice. There was no way we could afford for me not to go back full-time as I'm the higher earner.

What I will say is that I don't think I would have enjoyed 'Mother-Daughter' time quite as much if I hadn't gone back to work. Friday through Sunday is now dedicated to DD and family time and we ALL love it. But DD is equally just as thrilled on a Monday to be going back to the CM. Not once have we had tears at either drop-off or picking up time.

A child will be what they will be. Some children are better with CMs, some with Nurseries, some with Nannies, they're all different. Spend lots of time choosing what's right for you OP and you will not make a bad decision.

And ignore those individuals who try to judge and preach - certainly on here one individual appears to preach to excess - some underlying guilt and denial themselves possbily that maybe they didn't always make the right choices?

Good luck. Your DC will be well-loved whatever choice you make and that's what matters.

Personally I would only choose a nanny for the under ones, second choice childminder (only if couldn't afford a nanny or nanny share) and only under durress would I choose a nursery for under 1s. However when they are two and over I would rank them as nursery, childminder (with other similar aged children) then nanny. Then once they start school I would go (and probably will) nanny and then childminder as I think its important to return home and be able to do after school activities for a child just starting school.

I think quite a lot of nurseries take babies from 6 months+. Earlier than that is rarer but does exist. They do tend to have fixed hours though so doesn't work too well if your hours are unpredictable.

Could you do a nannyshare? Or maybe a nanny who already has her own child and would look after hers plus yours - this generally costs less.

KatieMiddleton's suggestion about your DH taking additional paternity leave is also worth considering. The thing is though that it's pretty new so most employers haven't quite got their heads around it yet - is your DH willing to be a pioneer?

kcj748: we pay about £350 a month, for 3 days a week, term time only (DP is a teacher and grandparents have her twice a week). So full time it would be about £600-650, I think.

However, childcare costs are tax deductible (check with your employer if they take part in the childcare voucher scheme) so that saves 30% off the above fees. Both yourself and your partner can claim, up to a max of £274 a person (iirc), and I would imagine that many childminders/nannies accept this scheme as well.

The nursery is great, they keep children of the same age together and there's lots of active play, messy play etc. My nursery takes young babies as well, and they have a lower staff ratio for those, so they get lots of one on one time with the carers. They will stick to routines you have for the baby at your home to maintain continuity and that includes diet (if there are special requirements).

My lovely well-balanced affectione 14-year-old went to a day nursery 8-5 five days a week from the age of four months. The staff in the baby room there were lovely, she got loads of affection and cuddles and absolutely thrived. She stayed there until she was three. My now 11-year-old had a nanny whom she absolutely adored. My nine year old was looked after by a childminder two days a week and by me the rest of the time.
I promise you despite the different childcare each of them had they are ALL happy well-adjusted lovely girls and I defy anyone to say otherwise. The key is to have good-quality childcare that meets your baby's needs. There are good and bad of every type - I have been lucky enough to have had really good experiences with all of them. Don't let idiots with an axe to grind guilt trip you, just focus on finding the right option for you and your baby.

I'm a CM and am going to ignore a certain someone's posts and just give my own opinion. I've looked after several children around that age, also a 5 week old and 2 x 8 week olds and all I can say is that they got the same love and care as my own children did. No, they weren't the one and only child in the house so not 1:1 as such but no child would who is in a larger family. I firmly believe that it's more important that the family are happy than it is listening to one person's idea of what a book is saying. I had terrible PND with ds1 (a LONG time ago!!) and wanted to end things at one point. But I didn't tell people as I wanted to be the perfect parent, I wouldn't accept help and I did it all myself. Ds1 would have been much better off in childcare than with me at that point imo. Luckily we got through it and I'm fine but sometimes doing what people think you should do isn't the best answer if it doesn't make you happy.

As for you working, if you need the money and don't have a choice then as long as you and your family are happy with what arrangements you decide on, I think you'll all be just fine :) For example, I was going to take 4 weeks ML with ds2 but luckily I took 12 weeks in the end. If I had have gone back when he was 4 weeks old, I'd have been a wreck with all the other children (he was a difficult baby to start with, bless him). I was very happy with my decision of 12 weeks off (at 10 wks old) and although a bit full on (had 4 under 18 months old), the benefits of having the other children around outway the benefits of him having 1:1 imo.

You do what you need to do and don't dwell too much on what a certain someone's opinion is :)

Personally I would go for the Nanny option at least for the first year,it is by far the most stress free type of care when you first go back to work,mostly because the Nanny comes to you and you don't have to be organised enough to get the baby to the childcare .I used to be able to bf ds1 before I left for work in his own room and not be flapping round like a headless chicken trying to pack bag,stay smart and get hungry ds into car to take to nursery (initial scenario soon ditched for nanny)

Also the first few weeks at nursery for any child usually involve them getting every bug going whilst the build up immunity and this does not help with the getting back into work scenario,there is nothing worse than having to ring work on day 3 and say that you cannot come in because the baby is ill ,almost as bad as having to send a less than 100% baby to nursery of childminder and spending all day worrying and feeling guilty.My ds1 had repeated bouts of conjunctivitis when he started ,it was a nightmare for both of us.So much better to know that they can be looked after at home by a caring Nanny.Second choice would be a childminder.Also no panic if the train is delayed or client calls as leaving office (you will get firmer about this though)I also always contracted my Nanny to work at least 45 minutes after i expected to get home so that occasions like this were covered

Plus if you plan to having any more the cost of nanny is less than two at nursery.My advice having done just about every type of care is to start early and do as much research as possible.Also try to have a good period of handover ,my best return was when I managed to phase it in gradually ,as you are planning to go back fairly early your employer may be able to beb flexible.Also check out from your HR dept if they participate in the childcare vouchers scheme as that can help with Nannies as well as nursery,childminder

OP where do you live? I think nurseries can cost vastly different in different parts of the country. We are in the SE. It costs roughly £40/day/child. Which works out to £800/month/child. You can claim child care vouchers (up to £243) per parent which essentially means you pay lower NI. If your employer doesn't do vouchers encourage them to. It's a win win situation for employers and employees.

Some nurseries charge you extra for meals and nappies; others don't. Some nearer London or in London open 7-7 for commuters so may charge more. Mine is open 8-6.

drcrab unfortunately we live in London, fairly centrally so I imagine costs are going to be quite high for childminder/nanny. How did you all find your childminders/nurseries? And how did you choose?