Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

[kcj748]

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

Thermos I think you might be a misogynist

I am amazed at the bile you are pouring out. It is truly ill informed and shows no capacity for seeing others POV. Also, please can you answer the couple of questions you have dodged so far. Here I will bold them for you---

What about dads?
What is this amazing career you have?

"Yes, to be totally blunt, "

So all the other comments were you being subtle were they thermos?

LOL

Next time the school calls me at work, I'm going to inform them that I am not the responsible parent until the au pair / nanny clocks off at 7:00. They are going to be so unhappy with me when I say that.

I wish i'd come to this thread earlier - only read the first few comments but just to say, I left my DD with a childminder from 16 weeks from 8am - 6pm 5 days a week.

She's now in infant school and we have a very close bond, a great relationship, she is intelligent (top of the class) and popular and confident.

Her childminder was wonderful (had her until 4 years old and is now with a different, equally fantastic lady) and was on hand to give me advice when i really had no one else to turn to (I was only 22 when I had her)

It wouldn't work for everyone but it can. Good luck kcj748

And thermos comment about how the problems don't manifest until adulthood - I turned out okay

Hi all, I totally agree that having some flexibility at work would be the ideal. I would love to work part time. But I am not just batting off the idea when I say that. To give some more context - my husband and I are quite young and so relatively new to our careers. I have only been in my job for a year. It is a completely unique job that I will not be able to get back into. It is not really a question of finding another job in the industry as it is an incredibly unique industry. I'm not saying I could never find another job. I'm sure my skills/experience would translate into another but it is not a job that is as straight forward as having to take a few steps down the ladder/salary cut if I were to take a few years off work. I would definitely be open to that. I have some really exciting opportunities in this job that I really want to go for. This is particularly in the hope that, I can establish myself enough to, in a few years, work part time and be there for my child when he needs help with his homework, gym kit brought to school etc. My husband is in a similar situation. His career is really taking off and he has the potential to be earning great money one day. Therefore I would be able to, one day in the future maybe, take a long break from work. I am not taking this decision lightly at all. My decision to stay at work is very much a forward thinking one.

I hope everyone knows that, I realise I will never know how I feel/how things will work out. I will give up work in a second if it proves to be an unmanagable situation and I feel like I need to stay at home with my son. My son comes first no matter what but I don't think that I am wrong to look to the future. We will have a few difficult years and then be in a much better position.

I know it sounds like a lot of hours but as it stands it is between that and giving up my job.

thermos laugh out loud at the friend who you lost because you couldn't bear to have your heart broken over her poor neglected little mite of a child... have you got any friends?

Irrespective of where ones sits wohm, sahm, in the middle, I believe that the well "adjusted" adults are those who grew up with happy parents and were taught to respect others opinion and not assume that their way is the only way. Happy parents are those that are happy with their choices, whatever they may be.

If there were an dcs that I was concerned about on this thread growing up with issues, it would be Thermos' children. Quite simply, an inability to see others' point of view is not an admirable trait and those people tend to find it hard to find their place in society and be happy. So Thermos you could spend all this time devoting yourself in the way you see best and still have the most damaged children of all of us.

kcj,congratulations pg.do what you have to do,what works given your circumstances. and i suppose do get used to the nay sayers and tutters. as you'll encounter a far few (mostly on mn)

and it is a solid investment to work to build a future

i worked ft, from 6mth and its worked for our family

but do plan, and get it all sorted now. and most of all enjoy being new parents

Kcj I think you are responsible to forward plan and think. I would have loved to stay home longer than I did (returned after a few months) but I couldn't afford to do that. I'm really lucky with my job (teacher) in that I can leave at end of school day and finish up work after DS is in bed in the evening and loads of holiday time at home with him.
But you have to think long term as well along with financial stability and your own happiness.
It wasn't easy at first. I'll be really honest about that. But I kept thinking about the future. These are precious first years and I don't like even missing a minute, but it is a situation of needs-must. I savour every waking second that I do have with him now and make the most of it. I feel very well bonded with DS and he has a fab childminder. He is a happy, secure 2 year old and he now has a secure financial future and two happy parents who love their careers, but who absolutely love him more than anything in the world.

There is nothing that I enjoy more than being with DS. When he has grown and become much more independent, I'll still have other things going on in my life that I enjoy.

Other posters, please ignore that. I was angry and that comment was very below the belt. Please don't search. I shouldn;t have allowed mysef to be dragged down to her level.

I will get the last post removed and am leaving the thread now.

To the OP (kcj748), if you are still around!- there are many, many good childcarers out there, whether nanny, childminder or nursery type setting. Its up to you to find the best option- not just financially, but the right fit for you and for your baby. Personality counts just as much as experience and qualifications, make sure the person or setting you choose has the same ideas about childcare and most importantly that the nanny, childminder or nursery staff seem to enjoy what they do and actually want to care for your precious child.

Exclusive attention isn't really nesesary. Many parents or carers of more than one child can still provide a loving a safe environment, and so can a childcare proffesional. Its actually rarer to find a nanny caring for a just one child, as its fiancially more of a strain (costs the same to the parent for however many children they have) and because many nannies prefer more children. I took my current job over another offered for a few reasons including that this job had two children and the other one child. More interesting, more of a challenge, more to do and learn! Plus children do need time to themselves, when they are not being stimulated and played with. They need to learn to play by themselves, to not have constant attention and interaction.

If you're worried about leaving your baby in another persons house, a nanny really is your only option. You have to weigh up the compromise- yes it costs more but the care is in your home, nanny (if live-out) arrives when you want them to so you don't have to get baby ready and out of the door. Nanny looks after ill childre when a childminder or nursery wouldn't, takes kids to doctors appointments or to get haircuts etc if you want them to. You can specify what the child does in the day, if you don't want nanny to take them to one particular park or if you prefer outdoors trips are only in the morning and craft in the afternoon you can do. You get a lot more say. And most nannies do nursery duties, so childrens laundry would be done, cooking and freezing food for weekends if you want. In past posts I've done drycleaning and taken parcels to postoffice, sorted childrens clothes and been in charge of replacing them as the child grows.

The Bride... best post of the thread.. so funny and so true..

thermos.. live and let live aye love... have no dought that every mum on here wants to be the best mum she can be and lets support each other...

if i didnt work our house would be repossessed and our older kids would have to drop out of uni.. think my younger ones benefit from seeing mum work and be a person and not just a mother its that simple...

sorry to say this but you sound like a 1930s womens guide to being a good wife and mother....

Hi OP!

I agree with the other posters who say for you to wait and see how you feel once you have your baby. When I was pregnant I was sure that I wanted to return to work at 6 months. Once I had my DD I changed my mind again and again, and eventually returned to work after 13 months (full year plus annual leave). I work 3 full days. My DD spends two days with her grandparents and one day with a child minder. I have to be totally honest and say that I feel really guilty that she is with a child minder at all, I cant really rationalise these feelings, but I just wish that she didnt have to spend a day with a stranger.

Like most other mums, I would give up my job if I was financially able to. But, I think its about balance...yes I could give up my job, sell my house and live in an EVEN smaller house, eat out less, buy less clothes, toys etc. However, I want my DD to have the best of both worlds and I think that she does have this with my current work pattern. I know that I am very lucky that my MIL and DM are able to care for my DD while I work.

You know, thermos, you may have some valid points but the aggressive and offensive way that you convey them is really unhelpful. You are very lucky that you were able to make investments prior to giving up work, very few people are in a position to do this - most families have very little disposable income at the end of the month. With there being very little social housing and house prices being so high over the past 10 years, most families are in a position that one income will not cover their outgoings.

To add to what I said originally. Even though I'm not sure what we will do about childcare yet I think it is quite an exciting thought to have someone else involved with and love your child. I also think being with a childminder could be such a great thing as getting a chance to interact with other children. I am a pretty young mum (23) so none of my friends are having children yet and it is one of my big concerns that my little boy might not have anyone to play with. I know I am only a mum to be and don't know much but I feel that having lots of people around you (rather than just your mum and dad) young or old is a really great thing for a child.

Thermos - your prejudices astound me. Surely your extensive reading tells you that a child brought up in an unhappy environment or in poverty is more damaged than one "abandoned" by his/her mother - and work may be necessary for happiness/ finances.

OP - i am back at work full time and have been since DS was 7 months - I couldn't afford not to - well i needed to go back at some stage (am sole breadwinner) and the timing seemed better then than later (less separation anxiety/easier to transition back) - we have a mix of childcare. DS is in nursery at my workplace which does limit the hours he spends there compared to if he was in a nursery near home -but is still 10 hours.

I think you need to be aware that the DC may be fine but it may be hard on you - I found it very hard going from 24/7 with DS to not seeing him for 10 hrs - transitioning in would have been sensible.

Working from home sometimes helps- you can get helpers (not nannies- not sure what?) who will look after baby in your house while you are there

Also try and think about the schedule you have- DS doesn't go to bed until late so I spend time with him then - if he went to bed at the same time as a lot of DC say 7pm I wouldn't really see him.

StillSqiffy of course I had to search and have seen that Thermos has many of her own problems which no doubt skew her way of approaching motherhood.

kcj like other have said make your plans now and then see how it goes. Nothing is set in stone and if it doesn't suit you once the baby is here then you can look at how to change things.

I have done the lot. FT/PT/SAHM due to differing circumstances since DS1 was born 5 years ago. They all have thier upsides and downsides, for example the upside for the summer is that I get to go to work while DH does the SAHD bit for the summer with 2 lively boys

KCJ748 if you are still reading.....
congratulations on your impending arrival. I've read the first 7 pgs, can't read any more, but wanted to add my twopennorth. Personally, I couldn't have left either DC for that amount of time each weekday, but your job is what it is, so I'm guessing it's all or nothing. In that case, with a baby that young, I would always opt for a Nanny, nanny-share or childminder in that order. I wouldn't send a 5mth old baby to a day nursery - just too young and not enough 1-2-1 attention IMO. That said, you get good and bad CMs, good and bad Nannies and good and bad nurseries, so obv you'd have to go with what you felt happy with. Good luck, anyway!

squiffy I searched too because I became increasingly convinced thermos was a troll.

I'm sorry for her, but thinking about the mums I know and how hard they work to keep everything going I am angry too.

This whole episode has been quite nasty.

I guess it would be really poor form to start pasting her own words here to substantiate some of our points.

pity... because it would be such fun. Especially the bits about her DH working really long hours. Some 'father'!

Thermos hasn't mentioned fathers because Thermos thinks that women are 'naturally' the only carers for babies whereas men are 'naturally' more interested in their careers. The key to understanding whangers like Thermos is that they don't consider women full human beings: women exist to raise men's children.
Whereas what's really true is that plenty of women are not that good with small children and babies and function much better with more adult company.
What is unfortunately true is that a percentage of women, knowing full well that they are not that keen on raising children, allow themselves to be persuaded that they will love being mothers, and therefore have DC that they didn't really want and don't make that good a job of raising. THe sort of mother who starts believing all this crap about natural motherhood/babies being 'damaged' by childcare etc is often the type of mother who does do emotional damage to DC by being both suffocating and resentful of her own lack of freedom and purpose.

Hi kjc, thanks for the extra detail. I take your points about wanting to establish a career for later. My further questions would be: is there no way you can cut your hours down at all, and stay in your job? (e.g. 4 days instead of 5, or 1 day a week working at home)? Is it possible to phase in your return to work, maybe doing 2-3 days a week first and building back up to full-time? And is it absolutely necessary to go back at 4-5 months? If so, is that for financial reasons, or because of your employer's insistence? Have you gone through the possibilities with your employer in detail?

I'm saying all this because I don't think this has to be an all-or-nothing situation, and IMO any little bits you can trim off your time in work (while still having a full-time or nearly full-time job) will help. FWIW, I went back to work Full time when my DS was 7 months old, with him starting nursery, and this worked well. It was before separation anxiety kicked in so he was happy to go, no problems there. It was also around then that he started sleeping better, waking only once in the night, which made a huge difference. At 4-5 months I would have found a long working day very hard because of the nights, apart from anything else.

I think it would be worthwhile if everyone on the thread stuck to the issue under discussion and avoided slinging personal insults, making personal references or making nasty remarks at anyone else at all. It's been bad enough already.