BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

VS- have you read Birth Crisis by Sheila Kitzinger?

(im reading it now as my dissertation is on birth trauma related PTSD)

sorry for hijack.

No TE, I haven't. Do you think it would help?

I think it may help.

I cant lend you the copy that I have as its a friends on loan from her uni library, but I know that if you google 'Birth crisis - sheila kitzinger' then you will get a fair amount of reviews about it. I know amazon.co.uk have it.

its very informative and I have found it a great help for my studying

the aim is for you to be at peace , as much as you can be with what happened last time, and to be positive in the experience you have this time, whether it be an elective cs or a VB

being happy and content with your decisons and making informed choices, having support will all help the next birth experience be a more positive one

I was thinking about what Cote said re counselling and fear, and I think it maybe makes a difference what the aim of counselling is. I don't think it's necessarily to make the fear disappear. I think it's to help find a way to cope with the fear, to make sure that the emotional reaction doesn't take over other parts of your life that it doesn't belong to, and hopefully to develop some strategies to help with future pregnancy/labours.

I agree LadyBee

The fear of impending doom childbirth does not take over other parts of my life. How could it? It's not as if we are expected to pass a bowling ball through our lady bits every day.

And I don't agree that this fear is an "emotional reaction". It is a rational reaction that my brain has reached through logical computation: I gave birth to a 4 kg baby with the 'help' of several strangers, who cut me up and saw me back together incompetently, and I suffered for a long time afterwards. Now I am going to give birth again in less than 8 months, probably to an equally large or even larger baby, with the 'help' of the same or similar strangers, and in the same setting.

My brain is telling me (not my heart) that there is a good likelihood that the same thing might happen. It is telling me to remember what happened last time. How is counselling going to help with that?

Does anybody here know how Albert Einstein has defined stupidity? "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

I'd like to think I am not stupid, that's all.

Ok, I don't think I read LadyBee's post properly.

I read it as taking over this birth, not the rest of your life.

If you allow it to take over this birth, it will hinder it and could increase your chances of a bad experience.

Also, this time round you are not doing the same thing. Yes it is labour again, and your body, the probability of a large baby, but wasn't most of it your 'care' providers that fucked up your birth? (sorry can't remember exact details, I will re-read it so can be more specific) but you can make things different this time, you can be more aware of how to improve chances for a good birth, you could have an IMW or a doula, even the hospital staff could be so much better.

cote, what would your ideal birth experience be?

elective c.s with music of your choice playing, baby delivered and given straight to you to go to the breast

active birth with as little medication as possible

waterbirth?

or lets just go with the flow and see what happens..

there are some things you can control, the two ways, IMO, you can retain maximum control over your birth experience are by booking a home birth or a c.section.

also, lining up support for the birht, whether it be a mother, sister, friend or doula as well as your DH. people who are on side , who can stand their ground advocate for you

we can all help with your birth preferences/plan if you like

for eg ., some women will opt for a c.s delivery rather than an instrumental delivery, you can put in your birth plan that you would prefer a c.s to forceps/ventouse especially if there is a chance instrumental delivery might not work

the baby has to come out, one way or the other, so it is a good thing to spend some time thinking of what your ideal birth would be and working backwards from there, to get some sort of birth preference plan together

I don't think of childbirth as an "experience" that will complete me as a woman (or something). I only want the baby and myself to survive the birth, and for the agony to be over with or shortly after the birth, with no permanent damage.

[hollow laugh] at "music of your choice". I honestly could not care less whether or not there is music, what the lighting is like, who is holding my hand, etc.

So do you think a CS is the way to go?
The pain after a CS can be horrendous, every time I have broken down at some point crying about it, but then I have never experienced a vaginal birth so cannot compare.
If you could have the birth go anyway you wanted, and both you and the baby be happy and ok within say 24 hours (I felt like death because of all the drugs for the first day) what would you stipulate?
Would you be happy to have an episiotomy again if it was done 'properly' would you be happier with a natural tear?
9lbs is big, but not undeliverably so. Would you be comfortable with delivery techniques such as hypnobirthing or as lulu suggested a water birth or knowing ways to open your pelvis so the baby is born easier with pressure on your perenium to prevent a tear?
There are many many things that can be done to make it better for you, it is all dependant on what ones you are willing to try though.
(although it's the other way round with me wanting a VB rather than a CS I know exactly how you feel about fear of particular parts of your previous experience - I use the word 'experience as it is something you did experience not in the treehuggery 'oh, I'm a woman now' way.)
BTW, I think the fact that you are talking about it is great. It took me a while to really admit what I was so scared about with DS2.

I can't decide yet. At my first appointment with gynecologist in 10 days, I will ask for the option of a cesarean, if I ask for one in 3rd trimester, so I can stop worrying now.

Between now and then I intend to go and talk with the midwives and see if anyone can tell me what happened last time and why it shouldn't happen this time.

Was your cesarean elective or emergency? I hear there is a big difference in recovery times between the two.

cote, i know you don;t believe it, but birth , whether c.s or vb , can actually be something enjoyable or positive.

i had one very negative birth experience, and took me a long time to get over it, and to move forward .

i would not have believed until after I had DD, how different birth experiences could be, for the smae mother. i have seen it with clients too. it can happen so differently each time.

recovery from elective can be better than an em. c.s as you have not had labour beforehand etc. but it is still major abdominal surgery with all the risks that entails.

pros and cons to each

definitely worth going through your notes and your memories of your first birth

can't recall if I've posted on this thread or not so I'll do it again as its on my mind.
First 3 were born by c-section but I became very depressed about not having 'given birth' fuelled by earth mother types I know
so when pg with number 4 was going to have a vbac. The hospital gave me so much gip that I decided to have a homebirth because I thought they'd be standing around witha stopwatch and scalpel. At 41 +6 they offered me a section but I said no (gods, I wish I'd taken it). went into labour the next day at 42 weeks eactly.
Labour itself wasn't too bad and after 7 hour was ready to push. It was incredibly painful and very unlike I thought so I tried not too. Midwife then said there was meconium and I needed to push NOW. She said she was going to do an episiotomy then and there so I gave a bog push and MW turned away and dd shot 2 feet across the floor. I slumped back. DD made no effeort to breathe although her heartbeat was strong so they suctioned her and called an ambulance. No-one was really panicking at that point. Ambulance took dd, dh and one midwife away.
By then I was gushing blood and too weak to stand when the second ambulance arrived. Took an hour to get me out the house as I was passing out.
Once in hospital they wouldn't tell me if dd was alive or dead, kept saying they'd go for news then never coming back. 3 hours later a doc came to stitch me up as I'd torn horribly and it was the most painful thing I have ever endured. I feel sick thinking about it even now and have been left with severe pain I know I shriekd and yelled
It wasn't for 6 hours that anyone came to tell us that dd was alive but that she wouldn't live. They wouldn't take me to see her cos I was so weak (lost 3-4 pints) and just kept saying they would bring news which they never bloody did. Eventually somewhere near dawn a neonatologist came to see us with a bunch of other docs. First he spent 20 mins asking us how mnay other children we had and what qualifications we had before I yelled at him to just tell us if she was alive. He said she was but had suffered a hypoxic event and was severely brain damaged and he didn't expect her to live. He said if she did she would be a 'vegetable' (!!) and wouldn't know us and it might be best if we let her go.
It still took me threatening to crawl down the corridor on my hands and knees before they would take me to see her. I wanted to hold her before she died.
She was all covered in tubes but she openend her eyes when I went in. They wouldn't let me hold her as her organs were shutting down (so they said)
Worst experience of my life and I am still in pain from the stitching and still have flashbacks when I see pregnnat women and babies.
sorry for going it on, it all sort of flowed out

riven, what happened at the meeting you had with the MWs?

very bad that the MW told you to push to get baby out quickly and then turned away.

not a lot Lulu. They decided it was no-ones fault but did cough up the medical notes (photocopied) with tipexed out bits. Am getting a medical lawyer to look it over but haven't filled in the 400 pages of forms yet.
It was pretty horrible and resolved nothing.

i think consulting a lawyer is a sensible step.

i hope you get some resolution

riven

Poor you and your poor DD. I feel ashamed to be whining about my episiotomy scar.

I'm sure your painful stitching is not the worst part of what happened, but at least for that, Contractubex is very effective. I started using this cream about six months after DD's birth (when scar was still so painful as to make sex impossible). Within several weeks, the difference was incredible.

Oh Riven, I hope that you can get some resolution. I can relate to the flashbacks with pregnant women. It somehow seems like there are an inordinate number around when it gets like this and it's so difficult. I know how hard it can be to talk about it, and its a good step that you have got some of it out on here. It is a difficult road, but I hope that resolution comes to you soon.

Cote, I agree with your thinking! I am too scared to go there again, and I think you are incredibly brave to face it all. Whatever you decide, my thoughts are with you and I wish all the best for you and hope this experience comes out positively for you.

I'd forgotten about this thread.

Wow Riven, what an ordeal. I'd be very angry with the hospital if it was me. I was upset at having to wait 5 hours to see Tink, but she was OK, they just needed time for me to recover from the GA and to do all the tests and things to her. My first daughter I really didn't care how I felt myself, I knew she was going to die and that she needed me, I figured if I was going to die I'd want my Mum holding me.

riven, words cannot express my sympathy for your terrible ordeal

I am always drawn to threads on birth trauma after suffering from PTSD following ds1's birth. The birth trauma association website and TABS both offered links to help. I eventually participated in two studies on birth trauma, read as much as I could and had CBT for a year. Finally convinced dh that I was well enough to try to conceive again. He was terrified and thought I had lost my mind. It probably was a dicey thing to do but I knew in my heart that for me it would be healing. Told my OB from the start that I wanted an elective section. Ds2 did muck it up just a bit by coming early but my lovely doctor was very calming and reassuring. Just said "We're still going with the plan just a few weeks earlier". Bless her.

It was a very healing experience and from reading a bit of cote's posts I just wanted to share that with her.

My heart goes out to every mother who has experienced this and the mental, physical and emotional pain of trying to recover. I have finally bonded with ds1 but it may never be what I have with ds2

vizbizz - I would much prefer not to be in this position of having to decide on where to be cut up/tear, but DH and I are both 37 and time is running out to complete our family.

Cote I know what you mean. I am 36 and so is dh. I really want ds to have a sibling, but I just can't face it - even after cbt. I keep thinking that, like jabberwocky, maybe I'll feel more healed after another but I am frankly too terrified.

Those lucky buggers that just pop 'em out and don't think twice about it. Don't have the foggiest how lucky they are in the great lottery of childbirth.

Vizz, it's not just childbirth, people don't realise how lucky they are when it comes to pregnancy either or just getting pregnant in the first place.

jabberwocky - Thank you for that. Could you tell me a bit about what the c-section was like, for how long afterwards you were in pain, and for how long you couldn't move/walk/drive/carry things?

Honestly, I can't imagine any operation hurting as much and for as long as my huge episiotomy did, but it would be good to hear some (honest) accounts of the aftermath of a c-section.