BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

Bump - please keep this thread going xx

Go for it, what have you got to lose? Maybe your complaint won't be upheld, but at least you can say to yourself that you were assertive enough to try to make yourself heard.

I live in New Zealand, and I think it is normal to get your notes here after giving birth. I found having my notes really helpful in the days and weeks after my first ECS.

We have a strong natural birth ethos in this country, IMHO. Most mothers have a midwife instead of a doctor or obstetrician as a 'lead maternity carer'. Anyway, lots of people I know are natural birth advocates, and I found it really useful to have my notes to show them that I had not wimped out, and it really was an emergency.

Not at all AYM. Even just writing it down may make you feel better.
I have said time and again I was going to write to the hospital where I had DS2 and thank them but I haven't yet. I shall do it now.

Thanks VS for starting this thread.

I am in 2 minds about whether to post because I don't think people should have to read my story as it is really not all that bad, compared to those of some other people here (although I have not had the chance to read all). Also I guess I have tried to block the memories of the birth. But it's late and I can't sleep so here goes:

I had a wonderful pregnancy, and was planning an all natural labour without pain-relief. I was really into the idea of active birth and continuing with my yoga religiously as I had been for the last 2 years. And I was doing the perineal massage that I found so weird! The baby was in the right position so everything was looking good. Really good.

I went for the classes by the hospital on breastfeeding, labour, etc. They seemed to stress on natural labours, had a wonderful midwife-led unit with 2 birthing pools and a zen labour room and it all seemed so perfect for me.

I stopped work at 37-38 weeks, and wanted to rest and relax in preparation. I was told that the baby was in the right position for birth so was good to go.

I expected the baby to come late (first baby) and I was 2 weeks late, and I had a very long cycle, and I was sure the hospital had the dates wrong. But when I got to 41 weeks, I was referred by my community midwife to the hospital as I had expressed reluctance for a cervical sweep. At the hospital, their attitude to me seemed like "oh no, not another one of those gung-ho types wants it all natural etc etc" . There was enormous pressure to proceed with inducing labour. "How long do you want to keep her inside you? 43 44 weeks?". I was left attached to the annoying CTG monitor for hours and I had to return daily for this. I also had a scan which determined that the baby was indeed fine and that placental blood flow was good for another week, but yet they wanted me to come in daily. There was just so much pressure to get on with it. I agreed to have a cervical sweep, and to speak to the consultant the next day.

That night (41+5) 9pm contractions began. They were intense but only 5-6 minutes apart. (They said to go in at 3 minutes apart.) I continued labouring throughout the day and they were intense contractions (the window cleaners chose this day to come which was annoying the hell out of me). The consultant had phoned at 12 noon, and told me to go in later that day. I thought my waters had broken but I wasn't sure and I did not want to go in, and be turned away. My friend happened to phone, and she reckoned that I should go in so we did.

Went into the mid-wife led centre, and they said that as I was hours from being 42 weeks, I would have to be admitted to the bospital birth centre! My world almost collapsed. I knew that if I went there, somehow I would end up having a CS. I was fighting not to go there, I mean, it was just hours over 42 weeks, and in any case I was sure they had the dates wrong. It also meant that they had to hook me up to the darned CTG again, continuously. I was like, hang on a minute, they did not say that when I came for the hospital tour. No one said anything about not being able to use the midwife-led unit, nor having to be continuously monitored, I had a very NORMAL pregnancy! I was seen to by 3 different midwives and the doctor, and finally agreed to move rooms- where I was just left to labour on by myself (DH decided to get some rest- which turned out to be a wise move). At 8 in the morning, it was another midwife who was nice, and left me to it, and when she examined me at the end of her shift 3pm, I was 6cm

The next 2 midwives came along and prepared the birth stuff (labels etc) introduced me to gas and air and at the end of her shift 8pm, I was 5cm

So the next shift, and yet another midwife who was keen on natural birth which was good. She measured me as 7cm dilatation and encouraged me to continue. She also mentioned that she would not have introduced gas and air unless I had asked- so there I was trying NOT to use it after getting addicted! The only thing was that it had already been 36 hours since my waters had supposedly broken so there was talk of possible infection and a need to hurry the labour along (drip that I was not keen on). I had to have my forewaters broken as it was determined that only my hindwaters had broken. She broke my waters ( I was still 7-8 cm), and the contractions got stronger. But after another 4 hours, and despite having the urge to push, I was still only 8-9cm, and there was talk of speeding it up. By this time, I was so exhausted, that we decided that I would need to have an epidural put in incase I needed a CS anyway.

So the anaesthesist came and inserted the epidural, and as he did, he said that he had pierced through my dura and that I would be likely to get headaches after! Me, the one person who's terrified of needles, and I really did make sure that I was absolutely still and in the right position for him to insert the needle! One in 200 chance and it happened to me. The anaesthetic starts working, but I feel it all the way to my neck, my shoulders were all numb! They asked if it was ok to start the drip. I said I don't feel right. They said they would get someone to check. In the meantime, the baby's heartrate had crashed and was not reviving, the emergency buzzer went. There were no more discussions. By this point I was a wreck. Going back to work was a non-issue- why was I thinking that I would go back in a few weeks??!! This is a life and death situation. Having 4 children was also out the window. My darling daughter was now going to be a really spoilt only child who would have everything. I was also thinking of poor DH who had to now choose between his wife and his daughter that he hasn't met. And I didn't have a will! I didn't have a will!

In the operating room, I specifically asked the anaesthesist to be careful cos I suffer from low blood pressure, and was afraid of respiratory depression. He said ok (in a tone I felt was patronising). I asked why I was so numb, and couldn't breathe, no one answered me. All the nurses just looked through me. There was no acknowledgement. I even asked if they were ignoring me cos everything was going to be ok or if they were just ignoring me. Things started getting blurry and yet no one was answering me. He said that if there was anything wrong, I wouldn't be able to talk. That's when my eyes closed. I couldn't move. At all. Not even my eyelids. (I later read in my notes that he had put, "After I said this, she "loses consiousness" ")

He (anaesthesist) insisted that my husband go out of the room even though he wanted to stay. He let go of my hand and left.

I was aware of them taking the baby out- but there was no talk, no sound, no cry. They were taking a long time stitching me up. Finally I heard the baby cry! At least she's ok. I still couldn't move. At last they had finished stitching me up and I was being prepped to recover in another room. Except that "I couldn't wake up". I couldn't move. He pinched me, squeezed my nose very hard, pulled open my eyelids, but I didn't respond. I couldn't. I remember thinking: Now you know what I meant when I said I couldn't move. He then announced that he was not comfortable allowing me to leave the theatre. The anaesthesist kept shouting at me to just stop being silly and that I was wasting his time cos there was a long queue of women needing the operating theatre. He got DH in to try to wake me up but even he couldn't. I remember DH saying, "Look who's here" (baby) but I still couldn't move. I really wanted to open my eyes but I just couldn't. He stroked my face with what felt like her hair (head) but I still couldn't move. I felt frozen and in a different world. Like I was transcending. DH suggested to them that I might be cold as I felt cold to touch but they said that it was normal. I wanted to shout, yes he's spot on, I was freezing but I couldn't. I felt so terrified and so sorry that DH might have to raise her alone. (His father was also at this point in time in an ambulance fighting for his life)

Finally with all my might, I managed to open my eyes and fought with everything to say the word "cold". That's when my body started shaking, arms waving frantically- but apparently that's common following anaesthesia. So I got my blankets and got wheeled into the High Dependency Unit to recover. All he put in the notes was, "0730 Awoke"

In the ward round that morning, I was asked by the consultant "Are you someone who likes to be in control?". Like it was my fault that I ultimately couldn't control the birth of my child. Another anaesthesist said that there was an operation to correct the dural puncture and there was a 90% success rate ( which involved doing the epidural again but inserting blood into my spinal space). I was told to stay in bed to try to reduce the headache from the puncture which I was keen to do, anything to avoid another epidural. The day went by rather uneventfully. And I was hoping to be discharged rather soon. The next day, I started getting up and developed the mother of all headaches. But I wasn't sure if it was cos of the dural puncture and in any case I was not keen to have another epidural if it might fail again after all those were just statistics. The anaesthetist was supposed to come round but they didn't. The next day I was told that they had scheduled the operation in the afternoon. I had the operation and was told to lie completely flat. The next day I felt fine and started to wheel my baby to the doctor who then diagnosed jaundice, and I collapsed in the hallway cos of the blinding headache again! Even while laying in bed, I couldn't move my head cos my head was just bursting. The 90% success rate operation had failed. I was part of the failure statistics again!

So I had to have the operation done again and lay flat and not move at all this time. By this time, I was an expert in curling up for the epidural and could feel when they pierce through the layers of the spine. This is what I hear most now. Being able to hear in my head today the needle piercing the different layers. And that is the scariest thing.

And all this time in hospital I had to lay flat and the midwives were so unhelpful with the baby! Just because I looked fine even though I couldn't move. They were also constantly late with our meds (antibiotics cos of infection and anti-clotting agents cos of immobility). I had to chase them all the time. Thankfully it worked this time, and both baby and I got discharged a week after I went in. After 30 midwives and doctors, I was beginning to know them all!

I have been through my notes with the consultant (who was covering themselves the whole way through). I don't really have an answer. Did I do wrong in wanting things my way? Why did they not tell me the baby was in the wrong position? I thought I wouldn't ever have another child (and I ALWAYS wanted 4) but now I think that it might be the best way forward for me. To have the natural birth I wanted but this time I'd like to think that I would be more open to their suggestions and opinions. I don't even know exactly why the consultant was so afraid of me that she was coming up with excuses for everything. Should this even be an option for me to look into?

It has now been 18 weeks. I have a wonderful daughter. I am thankful that she does not appear to suffer from the birth. Despite our difficult start, we have been exclusively bf-ing. Baby has met her grandfather who almost lost his life the day she was born- he is now fine. And that is the only full account I have given anyone.

Thanks for reading. I know it has been very hard reading. It is now 3.30am, and that has taken more than 2 hours. I have tried to be as clear and concise (don't laugh) as possible, but again I realise that I did go on and on. So thanks again for reading.

X

It's so long. I think my cheeks are really flushed!

Bloody hell Sushimama, it sounds like Stephen King wrote it! How scary.

My god Sushimama I have just read your story ad it sounds terrifying!

I'm so glad that you are well enough to be able to talk about it, congratulations on your little daughter BTW after all the trauma I'm sure she's worth it.

I must admit I expected a different ending there and I'm so glad I got it wrong.

Jeepers, that is so awful, it did make me cry a little bit. You must be doing so well to be able to write about it just 18 weeks later.

SushiMama, Take care of yourself, it is early days still.

VictorianSqualor, I am OK. No nightmares or flashbacks from second birth. Just a little dissapointed that I didn't give birth and a little down about the CS. Operations and hospitals scare me but I did have control over many more decisions this time around and that makes a big difference IMO. I am upbeat this time around

You sound like me with DS2, I was still gutted that I didn't get to experience birth and labour, but at the same time I knew it had been mainly my decisions that took us down that route.
Gutting but copable iykwim.

VS I KNEW I had it in me to be a novelist

Thank you mamadiva. Yes I am so grateful that there was a beautiful baby after all that

thejoyofpie and BabiesEverywhere: Thanks for reading and reminding me that it is still early days. It is harder when other people don't acknowledge that, especially when one looks ok on the outside.

Still working my way through all the posts...

Mrs Tittle: Yes I think what you were saying to MommyHasAHeadache seems to make sense. It is probably all the hypnobirthing and (in my case yoga) psyching one up for a perfect birth. But what is often neglected is that prolonged labours and other factors do occur that then make the birth not normal.

I do suspect that my baby started off in OP (actually I think the consultant confirmed that it was possible) but there was little they could have done once the labour had started apparently. And no amount of active labour was going to get her out.

Just bumping this so it doesn't get forgotten

My birth wasn't that great either and the aftermath was even worse.

I had a few twinges during the day in question and telephoned hospital to get some advice. Got the usual of take 2 paracetamol and have a bath which I did. The pains got worse in fact real bad but as these contractions were ranging for 3 minutes to 10 minutes and sometimes as often as 20 minutes apart, the hospital didn't want to know.

Decided to head to bed and hubby put my TENS machine on. By 10 pm the TENS was on full blast and not making the slightest bit of difference. Phoned hospital again as I was really struggling with the pain but the contractions were still very erratic.

Burst into tears with midwife on phone who reluctantly said I could come in to be checked over. Headed off to hospital and was given an internal to be told I was not dilating and therefore not in labour and to come back in 2 days time as scheduled for my induction. Was told these were practice contractions. This really scared me as I was in a huge amount of pain at this point. The midwife did however say she would do a trace for 20 minutes before suggesting I go home.

Thank god for the trace because when they did this they could see baby's heart rate drop during one of these practice contractions to around 60 bpm.

Whipped through to delivery for a Dr to try and break my waters. 3 attempts and nothing was happening. They continued to trace baby and by this point I was hanging off the side of the bed in great pain. Was now told I was 1 cm dilated and became very very scared. I was given one of my two allowed doses of pethidine and just simply didn't think I would make 10 cm and then pushing given I was in this amount of pain with 9 cm to go!

Baby then became very distressed and I was taken straight in for an emergency section. Less than 2 hours after arriving at hospital, I was in recovery with DS in my arms.

Still don't know and no one can explain why I was not in labour and having all of these pains etc.

Got out of hospital 4 days later but took a bad turn at home. 3 days later I was back at the maternity hospital with an acquired infection. Was not allowed baby in with me. Was not allowed to breast feed due to medication. In fact was not really allowed to hold DS because of where they instered 2 canulas to give me my meds.

Remained there for 5 days. Lost a lot of weight, contracted a urine infection and an ear infection! I also left hosptial with a blood pressure problem (very high).

Finally got home under strict instructions of bedrest for a further week.

Spent that time rebonding with DS which was very hard as he'd bonded so well with his Dad.

Spent a further month on meds by which time breast milk had dried up. I had tried to express and bin but supply just didn't seem to come through enough.

Horrendous experience. Being an older mum at 38 I doubt I will have another child. I thought about having 2 very close together but I just can't put myself through any of that again although I appreciate the likelihood of it happening like that again are slim. The pain part is still very clear from the labour pains.

I have to say though that my section was actually a positive experience.

jojoisamum, this thread kind of died and I'm sorry I didn't see your story.
As with all on this thread, you must have been terrified.
I am sorry that not only was your birth experience ripped away from you, but so was your chance to breastfeed. Breastfeeding my DSs was the one thing that kept me going I think.

I'm going to post on this thread but don't feel I can until I've read it through and am only half way there, which in itself is terrible - that so many of us have suffered.
I had my first counselling session today and it was difficult, but it's also the first time (except for when I went to my GP with PND) that I feel like someone in the health service is acknowledging what has happened.
I know I'm resurrecting this thread a little and if I end up posting to myself I think that will be ok - might just need somewhere to get my story down and realise that I'm not alone.

Thanks for starting this thread, though it always makes me so angry that they treat so many people so badly on follow up - or lack thereof. So many people have said they didn't think their story was as bad as someone else's. It's not a competition, it's about you and how you are recovering. It's great to see so mnany here sharing, unburdening and hopefully recovering.

I am amazed by the bravery: that so many of you went there again. That is something I can't face, and don't want to try again. It guilt trips me that DS will be an only child (something I never wanted). I am too terrified of feeling like this again.

As luckysalem has said, I often feel like DS belongs to someone else. As someone else mentioned (sorry, can't find who) always feel like something is going to happen to DS. I know it is linked to all the trauma and the fear that it was all for nothing. Not true - there are 2.5 years of memories, but the fear and irrationality are still there.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant and terrified of the birth. It keeps me awake at night.

Cote!
Congrats on the pregnancy.
Sorry you feel this way though.
I've read your birth story from last time. Is there anything you think would help you feel better this time round?

CoteDAzur, congratulations! This is one of the problems we face I think, there doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement of the fear that many women feel going into another pregnancy once they've experienced a difficult birth or terrible care.
Can you ask for counselling at your GP?

cote, congratulations if any of us can help you in any way, just ask x

Thank you for the positive vibes

First appointment with gynecologist is in two weeks. He is not the one who put me through hell and then completely ignored my agony, but the one who saw me crying in hospital corridor a full week after the birth, took me on and gave me antibiotics. So he knows what I went through (and hopefully remembers).

I intend to ask for the option to have a c-section (1) if I ask for it at the end, or (2) if the baby looks like it will be close to 4 kgs (DD was 4kg 10 gr)

We'll see...

LadyBee - re 'fear'

My layman's understanding of counselling is that it is most effective when a fear is irrational. Psychologist talks you through the reason/origin of your fear, why it is unreasonable, and helps you see the issue rationally.

Which is why it is useless to those of us who have suffered birth trauma, imho. My fear of childbirth is completely rational - I make big babies like my mother did, second babies and boys tend to be bigger, I am 37 years old (tissues no longer as elastic & long recovery), no birth pool, no gas & air, feet in stirrups, and episiotomies for nearly everyone. I don't like my chances of having an easy birth given these odds.

All the hospital can now say to me is "Drive into that wall but don't worry you won't crack your skull open this time because we have a better airbag".

Fear is disabling though Cote and even though the fear is rational coming to terms with it through some form of counselling (not saying 'oh well, shit happens' per se but being able to say you had a terribly unlucky experience) would possibly aid you in the way that you would be more relaxed which is known to help labour go more smoothly.
I would possibly consider some form of counselling, or even a doula? To help you be more positive about the experience you are going to go through.

Yes, you are older and I hear you about big babies! (DS2 was 10lb 3oz with supposed placental issues) but that doesn't mean it has to be an horrific experience for you.

The fear is not going to go away easily, for any of us. I spent the morning of my CS sobbing my eyes out and pacing the room thinking about leaving but not daring to keep DS2 in any longer. I had a 'positive' experience, but there were still parts that scared me to death and brought all my memories flooding back, the helplessness of being unable to move, feeling like I was going to drop DS when they got me to hold him, being convinced I was going to fall off the tiny bed when they had me titled, or when they changed the sheets. I was petrified but having come to terms with my impending CS did make it that bit easier for me.

Even after that 'positive' CS I know when I get pg again I'll be a nervous wreck. Especially as this time I've decided not to allow them to put any time constraints on em even if I have the restricted blood flow to the placenta.

Also, the one thing that really helped me last time was talking about it to my ante-natal thread and bugging all the doulas We're here to listen.

You see, I don't agree that luck had a lot to do with it.

Unlucky in the bastards people that took 'care' of you I mean.