BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

I don't want any more children after what i've been through with my husband and a diagnosis of PND which was more like post-natal distress. I was prescribed anti-depressants which i didn't need for longer than a few weeks, which elevated my mood and i'm now on mood-stablisers at least until Xmas. LO is 7 months old and i find each day a struggle. She is a gorgeous little girl and i'm having therapy but NOTHING will ever take away the memory of how awful i felt post c-section (the op was fine, the recovery was shitty, DH's attitude didn't help - he didn't want me to stop breastfeeding).

my dh found it very hard to cope with what I was going through as well. A lot of mothers do decide to stop at one. FWIW, I never dreamed that I would want another one until well after ds1's first birthday.

Lovemymummy- was yours an emergency c-section? I know where you are coming from re remembering the suffering. I only started thinking of another baby as a theoretical possibility when dd was 2, and only because dh and I are both nearing 40. Now I am 7 weeks pregnant and scared, but I intend to go for an elective cesarean this time so hopefully will not suffer any more damage to my lady bits.

Cote and jabber - thanks - i feel a bit better now.

Not an emergency c-section, more a case of LO was not coming out voluntarily so i had a c-section after 2 pessaries, 2 sweeps and oxytocin from Friday night to Wednesday afternoon.

Cote, i didn't mind the c-section, with me it's coping day to day afterwards.

(Hey, LO and I are off to the Cote in a few weeks, a few days in Antibes with my parents (smile).

Hi ladies,
After reading some of your experiences I feel like a total fraud posting here but I feel that my son's birth traumatized me.

On the morning that I went into labour I called the hospital to let them know and they told me not to go in till my contractions were regular and to have a bath and take paracetamol. But my contractions never regulated and weren't painful.

So I called them again and was told again to stay at home, being a first timer I just though "ok they know best"
Well then I got a pain and started to bleed so went straight to the hospital. It was 11.55pm and they seemed really put out that I had just walked in without calling them first.
They wouldn't examine me they just put me on a moniter and said I wasn't in established labour as I wasn't in obvious pain.

They said that they would be back in 20 mins.... 40mins later dh went and disturbed them from their tea and biscuits as ds's heart rate dipped everytime I had a contraction.
So in comes the mw and says "Lets see whats happening with this child of your then" She checks the moniter and then panics and gets 2 other members of staff in.
They finally examine me and I'm 5cm dilated. They then break my water and say I need an emergency CS.
This was the awful part for me, They wheeled me down to theatre and by now my contractions are full on and on top of each other since they broke my water,

They made me climb from my bed onto the operating table. They then stripped me completely which I understand was necessary but I just remember seeing myself reflected in the light above the table and I looked as scared as I felt. But then I got the urge to push and just couldn't stop it, I gave birth to ds in 5 pushes so we finally knew he was ok. But because they had ignored me till the last minute and then panicked they cut me to get ds out quickly which again If it meant my ds was ok I didn't mind. But then because i'd gone through the birth with no pain relief they attempted to stitch me up with no pain relief. I obviously flinched everytime they put a stitch in and was told "You will have to keep still" Wtf!! I felt like I had been totally violated, I knew that labour wasn't going to be pleasant but I hadn't expected any of this.

The morning after the birth the mw came round to ask if I needed pain relief and I told her what had happened she asked if she could check my stitches. When she had a look she called in a consultant and I was told that I could have reconstructive surgery if I wanted it. She and the consultant both admitted that the person that had stitched me had made a mess!! I never complained to the hospital but I wish I had. I know that some of you ladies have been through so much worse than me but I really feel that this has affected me in so many ways. I used to be happy and confident but now I'm short tempered and moody.

Wow. I think that classes as traumatic! How long ago was it?

About the pain, some women don't find labour that painful, I didn't either time so I was rather put out when they had to knock me out for a CS at fully dilated! Mum and TBD said I sounded like I'd stubbed my toe when I had a contraction lol. In both labours (both preterm) I was sent home from hospital because they didn't think it was that serious. I'm a big believer in labour not being painful (of course it will always hurt) if you relax and don't get worked up by it.

Hi Tinkerbellesmum. It was 2.8yrs ago and I have to say the labour itself wasn't the problem as it was very quick.

But my treatment and the fact that the person that cut and then stitched me up butchered me was just awful.

I've had another baby since, a dd 29wks and my labour was so quick that dh delivered her before the paramedics arrived...He did a better job than the professionals. x

LOL they do say homebirth is the safer option!

Did you have the mess sorted out eventually?

No I decided not to bother in the end,

because me and dh knew that we would have another baby at some point there was always the chance that I would need to be cut again.
And everything seemed to heal ok anyway.

That's good. I guess they can't really be sure what will happen until it's healed.

Dragonfly that definitely counts as traumatic. It says a lot that you have been able to go through another birth and I'm so glad it went well for you. But since you feel that you are still not yourself have you considered cognitive behavior therapy? PTSD is such a persistent thing to have. I believe that it is possible to come out the other end of the tunnel but it's definitely not easy. I saw something a few weeks ago that I had written on ds1's first birthday and the raw emotion of it shocked me.

Thank You so much Tinkerbellesmum and jabberwocky.

After my ds's birth I almost complained to the hospital but was just so overwhelmed with being a new mum that I just kept telling myself that my treatment wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

When we left the hospital the first thing I wanted to do was have a bath, and I just sat there for ages sobbing. When dh came in to check I was ok I couldn't look at him...I told him I felt like a freak and that he wouldn't love me anymore because of the damage that had been done.

I posted on another thread recently because I was concerned that I find it very difficult to be intimate with dh,to the point that I freeze up when he touches me and I just want to cry because I love him very much Do you think my bad birth experience could be causing the problem?

I think you are right.

Anyone reading this who hasn't been through it will probably get angry with me, but I feel this is true and you can only know it when you've been there.

Birth is a very intimate experience, it's brilliant when everyone respects your privacy and allows you to do what you need to do, but when they start to mess with you (either out of clumsiness or necessity) things change. What should be a nice intimate experience has come a hands on free for all and it can leave the woman feeling like she has been raped. She might not say "I feel like I've been raped" but the feelings are the same and reading what you've just written I think you probably do to. It's those feelings that of violation and inadequacy that put distance into the relationship.

I said to dh once that it felt like i'd been raped and I felt so wrong just saying it but that is just how I felt.
I even went to see my GP about my feelings and she just didn't seem to understand me. I made the mistake of telling her about an argument that me and dh had and she blamed everything on that one argument and advised that we go for relationship counselling, she was really dismissive of my feelings and wouldn't accept that my labour experience was to blame. Do doctors not understand what birth trauma is??

As daft as it sounds, a male GP might be better. Men know they can't understand everything about women, especially when it comes to children, women tend to rely on their own experiences.

You could do with a referral to your local Mother and Baby unit so they can properly asses you.

If you want something to tell your GP that close to the truth, tell them that there is a uni doing a study on Birth Trauma and they're asking for people to fill in a questionnaire, people who they test positive are being advised to speak to their GP for a referral. That's how I found out about it. I can't find the study now as it was awhile ago, but they linked to here which you may find helpful.

Hi Dragonfly you are one strong brave woman to go through what u did without pain relief. I had a bit of gas n' air but to have nothing wow!

As for thinking that your fear of intimacy is linked to your past trauma of course it is. You probably still see yourself as disfigured down below and the memories of the pain must block a lot of your natural desire. I think u should definitely get some help from others after all can u see many men putting up with what we all go through ?

As some of you are aware, I volunteer for the birth trauma association, I can tell you that I do get emails and phone calls from women who do say they feel raped and violated by their birth experiences. Those of you who feel the same, you are not alone, sadly. I would urge all of you, if you can find the strenght to do so, to complain loudly and vociferuosly, so that other women don;t have to endure it .

and for all of you who have suffered birth trauma, you must give yourselves permission to feel sad/angry/violated/bereft etc.. whatever the feelings are surroudning the bihrt, you are allowed to feel that, and your feelings and emotions are valid

lulu, I didn't realise that you worked for them.

I know with my experience that they were fantastic, they did everything they could to help us, it was just what I had already been through, plus not connecting with the pregnancy that screwed my head up when I had to have a GA. The lady at PALS remembers me from last time, I'm not the sort to just let things go.

Thankyou so much ladies..
It has helped me just to talk about this with people that understand how I feel.xx

dragonfly, I also felt violated after ds1's birth. tinkerbellesmum stated it very well.

Hello all

I haven't read all of the posts on this thread but will try to over the next few days.

As some other posters have said, I feel as if I don't qualify to be on this thread as to a lot of people, dd's birth was not that bad. She is 10 months old and I still can't deal with it.

I have always had a terrible fear of childbirth and although I had a relatively easy pregnancy I couldn't enjoy it as I knew it would end with the thing I feared most. I just thought that maybe going through it would cure the fear but that was such a stupid thing for me to think.

DH and I are now discussing having another baby as neither of us really want dd to be an only child and I just can't face it until I get over dd's birth

I felt like i had been "raped" after the 2 membrane sweeps. The Dr came in, stuck her fingers up me, tortured me with the pain and then left. It took a good few months for me to be able to enjoy sex again with my husband and even now, i don't think i enjoy it as much as i did before.

Louise, i think the idea of a birth trauma is different for different people. Your experience might not have been traumatic compared with other mothers, but for you it may have been dreadful.

DH kept and keeps telling me i'm lucky compared with other mums, but it doesn't help me when i start crying when i have someone else looking after Katie cos it's so nice to have a break. (Am feeling overwhelmed at the moment cos DH has been working since last Monday - he's a Dr).

louise, lovemymum is right. It's how YOU feel that matters. As an example one of the things I remember with ds1's birth was being shocked that the nurses put in my catheter just minutes before I got my epidural. It was so painful and so unnecessary It only added to my feeling that they not only didn't care about me they were actively trying to torture me. Whether that feeling was justified or not it mattered a lot to me.

lovemymum, one thing any good therapist will tell you is that you can't reason yourself out of depression or PTSD. Your dh, as a doctor, should know this. I realize it's hard to be objective about your own family but he needs to try to understand what you went through.