Page 7 | How to tell if friend had a c-section

bexboz · 2025-04-30T08:33:28+00:00

I have a friend who recently posted a photo of herself with her newborn (second baby). I know she desperately wanted a VBAC as she really wanted a homebirth the first time but was really traumatised by her first birth experience which ended in a section. I’d like to know if this recent birth was a section or not so I can have a bit of guidance in how to approach her with a message. We are close enough that it’s expected that message with more than just “congrats” but maybe not close enough that I can go right ahead and ask for details. For context I just had a home birth myself with my second and I don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad in any way. In the photo she has like these stickers with leads on them stuck to her skin around her chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them for a vaginal birth so was wondering if anyone who is a midwife etc might know if that means it was actually a section in the end? Thanks!

NameChangedOfc · 30/04/2025 14:46

This is one of the most bizarre threads I've ever encountered here. OP is like one of those superb Jane Austen's secondary characters 😂

Lascivious · 30/04/2025 14:46

Of course she would have had a c-section. Once a mother has had a c-section all subsequent births should be a c-section.

What twaddle. I have lots of friends that had normal vaginal births after sections. My mum had a virginal birth with me 52 years ago after a section with my sister.

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:05

BakeOffRewatch · 30/04/2025 09:50

I don’t think it’s that, post partum can be a really awkward time where your friends, people you care about, are torn up about birth trauma, how to feed and weight gain. You really don’t want to say or do anything that can make them feel worse. OP sounds like a kind considerate friend, who has come at it from the “let’s figure out how she gave birth so I don’t offend her” angle and we’re all saying don’t do that.

Show quote history

Thanks for expressing it better than I was able to. And it goes back as well to the trying to conceive phase - where other friends were struggling with fertility when I really started to realise that sharing something happy or straightforward for me can actually cause other people a lot of pain. It’s made me hyper aware of sharing my news and not assuming that the standard birth announcements on FB or whatever means that all is well.

OP posts:

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:08

RareGoalsVerge · 30/04/2025 09:52

I had a vbac and had lots of monitor lead stickers on me in various places because I had to have a higher level of monitoring and the team had to be prepped to rush me into surgery quickly if something went wrong (which thankfully didn't turn out necessary). Yes those were visible in the elated post-birth photos where I look a mess.

I would add something to your congratulations that acknowledges the potential struggles she may have had, and offers any support/sympathy needed if it was difficult, without alluding to whether it was c-section or vbac - both options could have been traumatic in different ways, and you are offering her your love and support if she has had a difficult time, without needing to know the specifics of what actual thing happened.

Ah that’s so interesting thank you for sharing. I hope that’s the case for her too and things went as smoothly as possible.

OP posts:

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 30/04/2025 16:17

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:05

Thanks for expressing it better than I was able to. And it goes back as well to the trying to conceive phase - where other friends were struggling with fertility when I really started to realise that sharing something happy or straightforward for me can actually cause other people a lot of pain. It’s made me hyper aware of sharing my news and not assuming that the standard birth announcements on FB or whatever means that all is well.

Show quote history

But you don’t need to figure out her medical information in order to do this. You can just use very neutral language, per PP’s recommendations. A c-section is a very common type of birth. It’s not unusual and it’s not easy.

Having said that, it’s not your job to manage other peoples’ feelings. I can see you’re trying to be kind, and of course it’s important to be kind and considerate, but if a friend is making you feel like you need to tiptoe around them this much (not using the word “congratulations”), I would question how much of a friend they really were. I had friends giving birth back when I was suffering from recurrent miscarriage and not once did they ever feel they couldn’t share this wonderful news with me.

Out of interest, has this friend checked in on you much since you’ve given birth? Surely she would have already known how you gave birth etc if you’re as close as suggested?

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:29

Allswellthatendswelll · 30/04/2025 10:54

Just say "Baby looks gorgeous, hope you are both doing well- can't wait to visit". Even if you did know what birth she had then surely you will have to wait for her to bring it up anyway.

I know you are thinking about her feelings but you both sound like you think there is a kind of hierarchy of births: homebirth > vbac > c section. Whereas really a good birth is just a birth you feel happy and in control of. She could have had a failed Vbac and still feel happy she tried. Let her talk about it if she wants.
I took all the congratulations I could get after my 2 sections. Growing a whole human for 9 months and bringing them safety into the world is an achievement whatever the birth..

Edited

Ah I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there… I personally don’t believe there is a hierarchy of births (I loved my induction in hospital with my first as I was so so well cared for) but from conversations with this friend I think that SHE has this hierarchy in her mind. That’s why I thought it was relevant that she’d maybe be upset by the fact I had a homebirth this time as that’s what she so badly wanted for herself. unlike some posters who have said how you give birth doesn’t matter, well for her It DOES matter because it matters to HER. Women’s experiences are important AS WELL as having a healthy baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:35

MellowCritic · 30/04/2025 10:54

Op if you literally had the conversation with her.. have you left her on hold to come and talk to us here on mumsnet? If you've spoken to her and she said this surely you know how to respond. A simple "yes of course, I understand, how was the birth then? Are you ok?" Or any words to that affect. 😕 what on earth do you need from us here.

Show quote history

Oh haha no that conversation was a while
ago after our firsts were born. I guess I was just hoping there would be a way of knowing if the birth had gone to plan (VBAC) so I could get the right vibe for the message. But the suggestions from others have been really helpful of just a more open ended “hope you are both doing ok, looking forward to catching up when you are ready, call if you need anything /want to chat” etc

OP posts:

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:45

Scottishgirl85 · 30/04/2025 11:28

OP, you come across like a section birth is inferior to natural birth, like an easier option. I do hope this is not the case. That's why you're getting a hard time.

Yes, I can see that lots of people think this. It’s more that this friend has feelings like that, I know she felt a lot of failure and shame after her first section. I don’t think she should be judged or dismissed for feeling that way as there are a lot of social messages that make up these beliefs and you can’t just click your fingers and make them go away. So that’s why, knowing she feels this way, I wanted to approach my communication with her in the right way. But yes, I know she’ll tell me when we eventually meet up next. I guess I just felt impatient to start providing the right kind of support.

OP posts:

AliBaliBee1234 · 30/04/2025 16:49

Does it really matter? Just don't rub your experience in her face and it'll be fine.

AliBaliBee1234 · 30/04/2025 16:51

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:45

Yes, I can see that lots of people think this. It’s more that this friend has feelings like that, I know she felt a lot of failure and shame after her first section. I don’t think she should be judged or dismissed for feeling that way as there are a lot of social messages that make up these beliefs and you can’t just click your fingers and make them go away. So that’s why, knowing she feels this way, I wanted to approach my communication with her in the right way. But yes, I know she’ll tell me when we eventually meet up next. I guess I just felt impatient to start providing the right kind of support.

Show quote history

I mean, everyone's feelings are valid but I must say I don't understand why anyone would get so worked up about a c section once it's been done. It can be a wonderful experience....

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:53

Rewis · 30/04/2025 11:34

I'm so confused. Do you want advice on how to acknowledge her birth without using the word congrats? Then hope you are well or beautiful baby or blessings or sowm type of compliment that shows you noticed the baby.

Or do you want advice on how to ask if she had a c-section? If you want to know out of curiosity, you don't. You wait for her to bring it up. Maybe at some point in the future when things are not as new ans conversation comes up, you might be able to ask.
If you want to know because you want to have a c-secrion and want personal experiences, then once the baby is not as new, you bring up in conversation how you're thinking about it and wait her her to bring it up.

I wanted to know whether or not she got the experience she wanted so my communication with her would have the right, like tone… I know from our conversations (she’s a mum friend from various baby groups so we aren’t super close but have talked LOADS about our birth experiences in this circle of friends) that getting to experience a vaginal birth really meant a lot to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 17:02

Adrinaxo · 30/04/2025 11:38

I had an easy labour, no meds 20 mins pushing no stitches first baby and second similar. When people mention this in front of other mums I know had c sections I say well they are the real superwoman. How scary must it be to have surgery and risk their lives. From what I know of C sections it's major surgery. My sister had two and people have said they were in awe of me, how must she feel in that moment so I make a point of it. It's competition I don't care what anyone says.

Yeah exactly I think these messages in society are so real and this friend was really impacted by them. I was hoping to just know which way it had gone so I don’t add to those feelings for her in some way. And yeah it’s not just what I put in
A message directly to her but it’s made me think
about what details I share (on social media / with mutual friends) as she has told me in the past how hearing about other women’s “easy” births has been painful for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

bexboz · 30/04/2025 17:10

laladaff · 30/04/2025 13:40

I'm sure you mean well, OP - some replies have been a little critical on here. However, I don't think there's any real need to decipher what sort of birth your friend had - the important thing is that her baby is here safe and well.

As an aside, I find it really strange how caught up some women seem to get about this tbh. Unless someone has a really traumatic birth experience, who really cares as long as the mother and her child are healthy?

FWIW I had three c-sections and was completely delighted with them! Other friends had completely 'natural' births, others had emergency c-sections, some had VBACS etc. It's not something we ever talked that much about even in the immediate aftermath, and certainly now our kids are older, it's pretty much never discussed!

ah that has been quite different from my experience - all of my mum friends have shared LOADs about our births and used each other to unpack a lot of the difficult stuff. That’s why I say we are not very close but we have talked ALL things birth and baby at all the baby groups over the last few years. But I do think mothers’ experiences are really important. It massively impacts mental health, for years!

OP posts:

Sofiewoo · 30/04/2025 17:15

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:29

Ah I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there… I personally don’t believe there is a hierarchy of births (I loved my induction in hospital with my first as I was so so well cared for) but from conversations with this friend I think that SHE has this hierarchy in her mind. That’s why I thought it was relevant that she’d maybe be upset by the fact I had a homebirth this time as that’s what she so badly wanted for herself. unlike some posters who have said how you give birth doesn’t matter, well for her It DOES matter because it matters to HER. Women’s experiences are important AS WELL as having a healthy baby.

Show quote history

Even more reason to stop trying to ‘figure out’ what sort of birth she had. If she hadn’t told you it’s incredibly weird and invasive to be trying to guess and speculate based on her photos and an internet thread you created!

BethDuttonYeHaw · 30/04/2025 17:19

Just congratulate her.

you don’t need to know
she will tell you if she wants you to know

Niallig32839 · 01/05/2025 05:12

Just congratulate her and say I hope you and the baby are doing well, can’t wait to see you all soon and I’d imagine she will share if and when she is ready. I had an emergency section for my first and wasn’t the experience I wanted obviously and quite traumatic but soon as baby was here and in that lovely little love bubble with a newborn anyone who text me I said we are all doing great. Gave more info to those I wanted to share with when it felt right.

TurquoiseDress · 01/05/2025 05:28

From my experience, friends/acquaintances who managed a VBAC often made some reference to it in their birth announcement as it was a very important aspect of their birth plan

One made a point of saying how important it was that she could ‘push this one out instead’

Whatever, her birth experience is her own and totally private, until she decides to share with the world (or not as the case may be)

Just find a(nother) way of saying “congratulations” and enjoy your own baby, stop trying to speculate on how her baby arrived

MissDoubleU · 01/05/2025 09:15

bexboz · 30/04/2025 16:29

Ah I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there… I personally don’t believe there is a hierarchy of births (I loved my induction in hospital with my first as I was so so well cared for) but from conversations with this friend I think that SHE has this hierarchy in her mind. That’s why I thought it was relevant that she’d maybe be upset by the fact I had a homebirth this time as that’s what she so badly wanted for herself. unlike some posters who have said how you give birth doesn’t matter, well for her It DOES matter because it matters to HER. Women’s experiences are important AS WELL as having a healthy baby.

Show quote history

If SHE has a hierarchy of births the best thing YOU can do is ignore how the baby arrived entirely, unless she otherwise tells you. As someone n as you start prodding that sore point it’s going to highlight it for her and she’s clearly sensitive already. Whatever she says just say “these most important thing is baby got here safely, nothing else matters except that you are safe too.”

You enquiring and needing to know is in bad taste however you spin it

Calliopespa · 01/05/2025 09:16

WhatNoRaisins · 30/04/2025 09:40

I'd be asking more general questions like how is she doing, how is she feeling. She will tell you more detail if she wants to.

Exactly.

You really don’t need to know.