How to tell if friend had a c-section

[bexboz]

I have a friend who recently posted a photo of herself with her newborn (second baby). I know she desperately wanted a VBAC as she really wanted a homebirth the first time but was really traumatised by her first birth experience which ended in a section. I’d like to know if this recent birth was a section or not so I can have a bit of guidance in how to approach her with a message. We are close enough that it’s expected that message with more than just “congrats” but maybe not close enough that I can go right ahead and ask for details. For context I just had a home birth myself with my second and I don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad in any way. In the photo she has like these stickers with leads on them stuck to her skin around her chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them for a vaginal birth so was wondering if anyone who is a midwife etc might know if that means it was actually a section in the end? Thanks!

If she wants you to know she will tell you. Just congratulate her on the birth of her baby.

This!!

Just say congratulations, hope you’re both doing well.

I don’t think it would be appropriate to try to figure it out if you don’t feel you can ask her directly, especially in the circumstances you describe. It might be better to ask for advice on what type of message you’d like to send. Something like “Congratulations. Your baby is beautiful. I look forward to meeting you both and catching up when you’re ready. Call or text me if you need anything, especially if you want to talk about anything.”

WTF. Just say congratulations on having a baby. So intrusive to try & work out how it was born

First reply nails it.

It’s personal. She will share if she wants to, so just focus on how she and baby are doing.

Mind your own damn business.

You don’t need to know. If your friend wants to tell you she will.

If you're not close enough to ask directly then its none of your business really. There are a thousand ways to word a congratulations message to a friend that don't include the nature of how they gave birth.

Just don’t ask, if she wants to share it she will. You don’t need to message anything about it

I'd be asking more general questions like how is she doing, how is she feeling. She will tell you more detail if she wants to.

I don't think it should impact how your congratulations goes.. she'll be in a bubble of her own right now and doting on her baby I'm sure. I can't think of a type of congratulations that needs to allude to what sort of birth it was.. I think it would just sound odd. I'd go with 'Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby, I'm thrilled for you and your family. Hope you're both doing well💜'

For context I just had a home birth myself with my second and I don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad in any way.

Lol. For context? Riiiight. 😂

Why on EARTH do you want to know? So that you can mentally crow over the fact that she needed medical intervention while a ‘superwoman’ like you pushed one out over the side of the sofa?

That’s really helpful thanks! Yes that’s the best message, focusing on how they are both doing.

keeping in mind that I’m sleep deprived with a newborn myself so find it hard to think up
anything adult to say is quite challenging really at the moment.

all the posters who say “just say congratulations” - I have literally had a conversation with this friend where she told me how much she HATES the word “congratulations” where everyone just assumes the birth was great because the baby is healthy and no thought for the mum’s experience! Hence asking the question with this friend in mind.

forgot how judgy it is on here, and why I haven’t come for advice in forever…!

How very odd, you want to know this ?!
Just be normal and say congratulations and that the baby is beautiful etc

If you want to avoid the word “congratulations”, you could try “Hi, saw your photo announcement, the baby is so beautiful! How are you? Really want to catch up with you soon, let me know when you’re ready”

Those stickers are medals for being the winner of the giving birth competition, so don't come across as too smug in your message to her.

Seriously op, if your intentions towards your friend or your wording is just a bit misjudged then fair play, but try and reflect on why it matters to you now - it doesn't. You'll find out when she tells you eventually I'm sure, but in the meantime, just keep your congratulations focussed on the beautiful baby being here.

ETA: Ok cross posted with the "congratulations" post. How about something along the lines of how pleased you are that X is here, you love the name, gorgeous baby etc, you look forward to catching up when the dust settles etc.

The rule I personally use is - if a question is one I’m struggling to phrase then I’m not in a position to ask it.

Given the context you’ve provided- friends but not close, I’d apply the ‘not ask’.

I don’t think it’s that, post partum can be a really awkward time where your friends, people you care about, are torn up about birth trauma, how to feed and weight gain. You really don’t want to say or do anything that can make them feel worse. OP sounds like a kind considerate friend, who has come at it from the “let’s figure out how she gave birth so I don’t offend her” angle and we’re all saying don’t do that.

@bexboz Fair enough she doesn't like a generic congratulations, no problem there, you can avoid doing that. But if she hasn't had the type of birth she wants then discussing it so soon postnatally is probably not in her best interests I feel? so that's why I think not mentioning either is a better approach. You can still ask after her and tell her you hope she's getting some rest and feeling well but I don't think knowing or mentioning what kind of birth she had would add much to your well wishes.

I had a vbac and had lots of monitor lead stickers on me in various places because I had to have a higher level of monitoring and the team had to be prepped to rush me into surgery quickly if something went wrong (which thankfully didn't turn out necessary). Yes those were visible in the elated post-birth photos where I look a mess.

I would add something to your congratulations that acknowledges the potential struggles she may have had, and offers any support/sympathy needed if it was difficult, without alluding to whether it was c-section or vbac - both options could have been traumatic in different ways, and you are offering her your love and support if she has had a difficult time, without needing to know the specifics of what actual thing happened.

You never wrote in the initial post that she hates being congratulated so how are posters meant to know ? They way you have worded it makes it seem you want to just know what kind of birth she had, perhaps just ask how she is and that you are glad baby is here safe and well ?

If she's going to get upset at people saying "congratulations" then I'm not sure anything will be right (I say that as someone who has had a traumatic birth and a c section myself) Maybe just "hope you are both doing OK, can't wait to meet baby"?