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Childbirth

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Original poster

How to tell if friend had a c-section

169 replies

bexboz · 30/04/2025 09:33

I have a friend who recently posted a photo of herself with her newborn (second baby). I know she desperately wanted a VBAC as she really wanted a homebirth the first time but was really traumatised by her first birth experience which ended in a section. I’d like to know if this recent birth was a section or not so I can have a bit of guidance in how to approach her with a message. We are close enough that it’s expected that message with more than just “congrats” but maybe not close enough that I can go right ahead and ask for details. For context I just had a home birth myself with my second and I don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad in any way. In the photo she has like these stickers with leads on them stuck to her skin around her chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them for a vaginal birth so was wondering if anyone who is a midwife etc might know if that means it was actually a section in the end? Thanks!

OP posts:
Tdcp · 30/04/2025 09:54

Just ask her how she's feeling? She can answer that any way she wants then.

DappledThings · 30/04/2025 09:55

I have literally had a conversation with this friend where she told me how much she HATES the word “congratulations” where everyone just assumes the birth was great because the baby is healthy and no thought for the mum’s experience! Hence asking the question with this friend in mind.
She has a very odd attitude. When people congratulated me I never took it to mean they assumed anything or didn't care about how I was. Don't encourage her overthinking by tiptoeing round her and avoiding perfectly normal language.

WitcheryDivine · 30/04/2025 09:56

Congrats on your baby OP

For your friend how about something like: “Huge congratulations on your gorgeous little one/boy/girl. I can’t wait to meet him/her/the baby! I hope the birth went as well as possible, how are you feeling? Are you back home yet? Well done on getting through it and sending huge love, OP x”

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 09:57

bexboz · 30/04/2025 09:43

That’s really helpful thanks! Yes that’s the best message, focusing on how they are both doing.

keeping in mind that I’m sleep deprived with a newborn myself so find it hard to think up
anything adult to say is quite challenging really at the moment.

all the posters who say “just say congratulations” - I have literally had a conversation with this friend where she told me how much she HATES the word “congratulations” where everyone just assumes the birth was great because the baby is healthy and no thought for the mum’s experience! Hence asking the question with this friend in mind.

forgot how judgy it is on here, and why I haven’t come for advice in forever…!

Show quote history

Well, then, avoid the word 'congratulations'. Just say the baby is gorgeous. It's not that complicated. Or use the word 'congratulations'. She will cope.

hobbledyhoy · 30/04/2025 09:58

moggiek · 30/04/2025 09:42

Why on EARTH do you want to know? So that you can mentally crow over the fact that she needed medical intervention while a ‘superwoman’ like you pushed one out over the side of the sofa?

Exactly this. What a shitty friend.

Comeoutside · 30/04/2025 09:58

Intitially from your post I was a bit confused why you'd need to change your message due to her birth but your follow up message clarifies your reasoning more.

Just go with
Hey 'friend' it's lovely to see baby has come safely, I really hope your both doing well and I can't wait to catch up with you and meet them, when your feeling up to it of course! And let me know if you need anything at all'

Tortielady · 30/04/2025 09:59

I understand the aversion to "congratulations!" I think it makes childbirth sound like something bestowed on you by a higher power, rather than something you achieved. You could say the same for passing your driving test or your degree, except they don't tend to come with the risk of injury, surgery and masses of stitches. I'd go with the formula upthread, or something like it. "I heard about your new arrival. What a lovely baby! How are you? It would be great to catch up when we're both up to it."

WitcheryDivine · 30/04/2025 10:00

Do you live nearby? Even better to just drop round a card and snacks.

LavenderBlue19 · 30/04/2025 10:02

I understand her not liking 'congratulations', but there are so many other ways to word it. Just say you're glad baby is here, hope everyone is doing well.

Please don't tell her that you're worried about offending or upsetting her because you had a home birth. It sounds like you're crowing inside. It literally doesn't matter how baby got here.

WitcheryDivine · 30/04/2025 10:02

I think some people are getting the wrong end of the stick about the OP who clearly seems to be trying to be sensitive about her friend’s previous experience from a position of having a much “easier” time of it herself. She might not care about the different birth experiences (and nor do I, as long as you’re alive and got a baby afterwards - no one is awarding points) but she knows her friend does care deeply.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/04/2025 10:07

Just say hope thr birth went smoothly and she is recovering well?

WTF987 · 30/04/2025 10:07

bexboz · 30/04/2025 09:43

That’s really helpful thanks! Yes that’s the best message, focusing on how they are both doing.

keeping in mind that I’m sleep deprived with a newborn myself so find it hard to think up
anything adult to say is quite challenging really at the moment.

all the posters who say “just say congratulations” - I have literally had a conversation with this friend where she told me how much she HATES the word “congratulations” where everyone just assumes the birth was great because the baby is healthy and no thought for the mum’s experience! Hence asking the question with this friend in mind.

forgot how judgy it is on here, and why I haven’t come for advice in forever…!

Show quote history

Rather than congratulations why not along lines of "Oh I'm so happy baby is here safely, how are you both doing? Let me know when you're up for visitors, can't wait to get together and introduce (your baby) to their new bestie"

Sofiewoo · 30/04/2025 10:08

What a weird post, stop obsessing over her birth. It’s none of your business.

nanodyne · 30/04/2025 10:16

Ask how she is and that you hope she and baby are doing well, that you'd love to catch up with the babies once she's back on her feet.

FYI if she's going for a VBAC then she'll have had to be medically monitored throughout, hence the wires - it doesn't indicate that anything went "wrong" (at least, that was my experience).

chattychatchatty · 30/04/2025 10:16

I really don’t think you need to know anything about the birth at this point. “Congratulations, can’t wait to see you and meet the baby, hope you’re recovering and getting some sleep” is surely enough?
I’ve never met anyone who finds “Congratulations” triggering. She must hate card shops. I get what she means about ‘no one thinks about the Mum’s experience” because of what she went through - but it’s just standard how people talk to each other; people are trying to be nice and I’d take it in the spirit in which it’s intended.

ExitViaGiftShop · 30/04/2025 10:17

You and your friend both sound really uptight and overly sensitive and so I predict you will both have a spectacular falling out over something completely insignificant in the next few months and it will be game over. Don’t fret about sending a message, just put ‘that’s wonderful news, your baby is beautiful’ and leave it at that.

HeartyViper · 30/04/2025 10:19

None of your business how the baby was born. All you need to say is ‘aww he/she is beautiful. I hope you’re doing okay, let me know if there’s anything you need - here for a chat/cuppa/holding the baby/whatever whenever you need.’

What a bizzare post.

Peacepleaselouise · 30/04/2025 10:24

I can understand hating “congratulations”, I’m a fellow birth survivor!

I would say “lovely to see the photo of your beautiful girl/boy. Sending loads of love and hope you’re both recovering well”

Tbrh · 30/04/2025 10:25

Sorry haven't rtft, why is it even relevant. Who even asks these things? If she wants to tell you, she will. Also, people say congratulations not to assume it was easy (anyone who has had a baby, or seen it, knows its not), but to congratulate you for having the baby and surviving! I agree with PP your friend sounds uptight.

Insidelaurashed · 30/04/2025 10:25

You could always send a 'congratulations baby is gorgeous, I know birth really takes a toll on your body so hope you are doing okay too X, can't wait to catch up' sort of message.

Peacepleaselouise · 30/04/2025 10:26

chattychatchatty · 30/04/2025 10:16

I really don’t think you need to know anything about the birth at this point. “Congratulations, can’t wait to see you and meet the baby, hope you’re recovering and getting some sleep” is surely enough?
I’ve never met anyone who finds “Congratulations” triggering. She must hate card shops. I get what she means about ‘no one thinks about the Mum’s experience” because of what she went through - but it’s just standard how people talk to each other; people are trying to be nice and I’d take it in the spirit in which it’s intended.

Edited

She isn’t being weird. If you had the most awful and traumatic experience of your life, potentially incontinent and in agony “congratulations” feels a tad odd…. like saying congratulations to someone who has just had a risky operation that went wrong….

Jenkibuble · 30/04/2025 10:26

bexboz · 30/04/2025 09:33

I have a friend who recently posted a photo of herself with her newborn (second baby). I know she desperately wanted a VBAC as she really wanted a homebirth the first time but was really traumatised by her first birth experience which ended in a section. I’d like to know if this recent birth was a section or not so I can have a bit of guidance in how to approach her with a message. We are close enough that it’s expected that message with more than just “congrats” but maybe not close enough that I can go right ahead and ask for details. For context I just had a home birth myself with my second and I don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad in any way. In the photo she has like these stickers with leads on them stuck to her skin around her chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them for a vaginal birth so was wondering if anyone who is a midwife etc might know if that means it was actually a section in the end? Thanks!

There are no medals awarded for home births, natural births, breastfeeding.

A healthy and happy baby / mum is the prize !

Just congratulate her

TheIceBear · 30/04/2025 10:26

Sorry but you sound really nosy. As people have said if she wants you to know she will tell you.

MzHz · 30/04/2025 10:27

Why on earth would you think this is any business of yours @bexboz

seriously have a word with yourself

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 30/04/2025 10:30

Well done you! Baby is beautiful, how are you feeling, hope it wasn't too traumatic! Let me know if you need anything and I look forward to catching up and having a baby date over a cuppa and some cake! Let me know when you are free. Again, baby's beautiful xx