How to tell if friend had a c-section

[bexboz]

I have a friend who recently posted a photo of herself with her newborn (second baby). I know she desperately wanted a VBAC as she really wanted a homebirth the first time but was really traumatised by her first birth experience which ended in a section. I’d like to know if this recent birth was a section or not so I can have a bit of guidance in how to approach her with a message. We are close enough that it’s expected that message with more than just “congrats” but maybe not close enough that I can go right ahead and ask for details. For context I just had a home birth myself with my second and I don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad in any way. In the photo she has like these stickers with leads on them stuck to her skin around her chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them for a vaginal birth so was wondering if anyone who is a midwife etc might know if that means it was actually a section in the end? Thanks!

It's really not, speaking as someone who had a traumatic birth. If people need to now worry about saying congratulations to someone we are doomed as a society.

What on earth has it got to do with you? Good Lord,the sheer nosiness is astounding 😱

Surely you’ve spoken to a human before though?? If you know she doesn’t like “congratulations” you just ask how she is/ how the baby is/ how she feels? Why would you need to know whether she has a c section or not?

I agree, of course it's not. What weird MN bollox is this?

Of course, that’s why I said that having been through what she went through, Congratulations seems totally inappropriate. But unless she’s advertising what happened, it’s pretty standard to say ‘Congratulations’ (meaning, congratulations on the safe arrival of your DC). She’s right to be annoyed that the mother’s birth experience isn’t taken into account by people as a rule, it’s all part and parcel of our patriarchal society!! I always want to know how a new mum is doing but it’s not the first thing most people expect to be asked about; I think it’s more about social convention.

'Beautiful baby! How's your fanny holding up?'

I think I would just say "your little one is a delight, and I hope you're feeling as well as can be expected! Do let me know if any of you need anything, see you soon. Xx"

In my experience of 2 c-sections (1 unplanned & 1 planned) the wires would be removed before coming out of theatre, so sounds likely she had a VBAC and they monitored her due to the issues she experienced last time.

Personally I would just ask her how the birth was, if you’re close she may appreciate someone to talk to about her experience, as not many people approach the topic.

Hopefully she had a less traumatic birth experience this time around.

She hates people saying congratulations? Crikey, I've heard it all now!
I had a super traumatic birth and dont recall even being slightly arsed about what people said, I was just grateful my baby was healthy and that people showed an interest enough to message.

Just say
congratulations, I’m so happy for you and I can’t wait to meet baby! How did it go? Xx

I'm sure it will come up in conversation once you meet up. If she wants to talk about it. For me I'd probably just casually ask 'how did the birth go?' Then maybe also 'what kind of birth did you end up having?' if it didn't come up, when we were meeting up to see the baby.
As long as they were quite close and I knew they would be alright talking about it. But I'm quite up front in some ways. That may or may not be a good thing?!
If I wasn't sure how they'd feel then I'd just wait for them to elaborate or not.

forgot how judgy it is on here, and why I haven’t come for advice in forever…!

It is you that sounds judgy with your “for context” comment, it reads as though you feel you did a better job because you managed what you wanted rather than a second rate birth like she had. I don’t think you care about her opinion, you want to know so that you can judge.

When you say “judgey” do you mean people who are prioritising the new mum over you? I mean you asked how to approach prying into her life and were told not to do that it’s intrusive. Would you rather have blundered on and upset her?

Slerp deprived or not this was an odd way to proceed.

Or, given your conversations and depending on the nature of your friendship:

"CONGRATULATIONS!! Only kidding, I know how much we both love that. I hope you're both doing ok, he/she is gorgeous. Let me know if you need anything. Xx"

I had a dreadful birth and couldn't even speak to my family on the phone for a week after as I knew I'd just break down, but I didn't mind the messages of congrats as people just don't know and why should they, I didn't tell them. It was nice to recieve messages of congratulations and joy as it reminded me that despite everything this was a joyous event, though I couldn't feel it at the time as it was intensely challenging.

I'd also have found it very hard to be asked the whys and how's about the birth at that time too, so a message that celebrates the new arrival while gently adding hopes that mum is well and offer any help that you can provide, suffices. As you're close any issue with the birth will be communicated after I'd imagine, as I could talk about it better once the maelstrom of post partum hormones ebbed.

Just say “Amazing work <name> what a gorgeous baby, love the name! How are you feeling?” Then she’ll either expand on her birth story or not. Congratulations on your baby as well! X

'Judgy'

As opposed to you 🤔

Who hates the word congratulations 🤔

Odd bunch.

You could say something like “hope you’re recovering well after the birth” then it’s up to her to give any details she wants to

Exactly! Why can’t MN just answer your question without analysing everything other than your question. Is there anyway you can tell if someone has had a c-section without actually asking them? How hard is it for someone to just provide the answer if they have an idea…. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Welcome to the world to your gorgeous new baby, hope you are doing well, lets meet up with our babies when you are ready.

How would knowing the delivery method help you with the message?

She dislikes 'congratulations'? Very odd but anyway, you could write something else like 'how are you?'

I am not convinced that you aren't just being a bit nosy.

With close friends, the birth is something that usually comes up in conversation in person at some point.

I expect your friend is just delighted that her baby has safely arrived.

Just say "Baby looks gorgeous, hope you are both doing well- can't wait to visit". Even if you did know what birth she had then surely you will have to wait for her to bring it up anyway.

I know you are thinking about her feelings but you both sound like you think there is a kind of hierarchy of births: homebirth > vbac > c section. Whereas really a good birth is just a birth you feel happy and in control of. She could have had a failed Vbac and still feel happy she tried. Let her talk about it if she wants.
I took all the congratulations I could get after my 2 sections. Growing a whole human for 9 months and bringing them safety into the world is an achievement whatever the birth..

Op if you literally had the conversation with her.. have you left her on hold to come and talk to us here on mumsnet? If you've spoken to her and she said this surely you know how to respond. A simple "yes of course, I understand, how was the birth then? Are you ok?" Or any words to that affect. 😕 what on earth do you need from us here.

Why is it any of your business? If she wanted to share that info with you she’d have done so.

I find it so bizarre that you would want to know this? And why would you trigger her? I’m sure she’s not ashamed of it; it’s a hard birth in its own unique way. As are all births. But it’s very intrusive to want to try and figure this out. Just say congratulations!! She is a mother who gave birth.

edited: just seen your update. If she doesn’t like “congratulations”, just use whatever words she does like and be happy for her! I still don’t understand why you need to know exactly how she gave birth, unless there’s other info you’ve not included.