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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

How to tell if friend had a c-section

169 replies

bexboz · 30/04/2025 09:33

I have a friend who recently posted a photo of herself with her newborn (second baby). I know she desperately wanted a VBAC as she really wanted a homebirth the first time but was really traumatised by her first birth experience which ended in a section. I’d like to know if this recent birth was a section or not so I can have a bit of guidance in how to approach her with a message. We are close enough that it’s expected that message with more than just “congrats” but maybe not close enough that I can go right ahead and ask for details. For context I just had a home birth myself with my second and I don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad in any way. In the photo she has like these stickers with leads on them stuck to her skin around her chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them for a vaginal birth so was wondering if anyone who is a midwife etc might know if that means it was actually a section in the end? Thanks!

OP posts:
EndlessTreadmill · 30/04/2025 11:01

If you don't want to congratulate, just say 'baby looks beautiful, hope it all went OK!' and leave it at that. If she wants to give more details she will, but really who cares how the baby comes out, what matters is that it IS out and everyone is OK!

Crunchymum · 30/04/2025 11:01

I don’t think I’ve ever seen them for a vaginal birth so was wondering if anyone who is a midwife etc might know if that means it was actually a section in the end?

Lordy you are nosy and entitled to boot. Your post has actually really annoyed me.

Your friend's labour and delivery in none of your business. Why an Earth does it matter how the baby was delivered?

I hope I am reading this wrong but there sounds like there is an element of one-upmanship going on as well - you got your lovely homebirth and she ended up with "another section"

You are a grown up, you are a woman, you are a mother so you shouldn't need MN to tell you how to compose a polite and warm text to someone. Unless your whole objective is to be snide and make this woman feel bad?

Zezet · 30/04/2025 11:03

God, you are getting a hard time for what is a very reasonable question for advice (after your first update, which makes everything make sense).

I agree with the posters who say "the baby is gorgeous, can't wait to meet, how are you feeling?"

Those who say we are doomed if people can't even say 'congratulations' anymore: no-one is arguing we can't. But the OP is wondering whether there is a more precise way to convey her love for a friend given the extra information she has about her friend's mindset. Which I think is a reasonable and indeed lovely request.

Zezet · 30/04/2025 11:06

EndlessTreadmill · 30/04/2025 11:01

If you don't want to congratulate, just say 'baby looks beautiful, hope it all went OK!' and leave it at that. If she wants to give more details she will, but really who cares how the baby comes out, what matters is that it IS out and everyone is OK!

Well, the mother, OP's friend, might care rather a lot whether she had an easy birth or a really rough one!

So I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to say: given I know she had complicated feelings beforehand, and I don't know what happened, how can I calibrate my message to my friend so it is suitable for the situation my friend is in?

I agree with all the suggestions that were made on calibrating the message without asking for information the mum can choose to share or not share. But clearly the OP came from a place of love not one-upping.

Henrietta863 · 30/04/2025 11:06

Sorry OP but it just sounds like you wanted confirmation from a midwife or obstetrician that “Yes, she’s had a CS.” You don’t sound like much of a friend of hers to me. It is her birth story to tell - or not.

Just say something to the effect of “They are beautiful. I hope you are both doing well. I’m here if you need anything.” If she doesn’t like Congratulations.

Poppish · 30/04/2025 11:07

bexboz · 30/04/2025 09:43

That’s really helpful thanks! Yes that’s the best message, focusing on how they are both doing.

keeping in mind that I’m sleep deprived with a newborn myself so find it hard to think up
anything adult to say is quite challenging really at the moment.

all the posters who say “just say congratulations” - I have literally had a conversation with this friend where she told me how much she HATES the word “congratulations” where everyone just assumes the birth was great because the baby is healthy and no thought for the mum’s experience! Hence asking the question with this friend in mind.

forgot how judgy it is on here, and why I haven’t come for advice in forever…!

Show quote history

If she doesn’t like congratulations’ how about something like ‘you made a human! What an absolutely epic thing to do! She’s beautiful, lots of love to you all. If you need anything I’m a text away, anytime day or night. I’m probably up with my one anyway!’ … Or some such. No need to say the word congratulations if she doesn’t like it, fair enough. But you can still be happy for her and tell her you’re there for her if she needs you 🤷‍♀️

GG1986 · 30/04/2025 11:14

Why can't you say something like "baby is beautiful, hope you are OK"

Illprobqblychangemynameagain · 30/04/2025 11:18

hobbledyhoy · 30/04/2025 09:58

Exactly this. What a shitty friend.

Show quote history

Yeah this is what I've taken from the OP's posts. Absolutely no need to know how anyone gave birth. And a simple " baby is beautiful, hope your both well" ect would do.

It's a very weird thread

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2025 11:19

all the posters who say “just say congratulations” - I have literally had a conversation with this friend where she told me how much she HATES the word “congratulations” where everyone just assumes the birth was great because the baby is healthy and no thought for the mum’s experience

It’s still not hard. Just something along the lines of ‘what a cutie (insert name given) is! Hope you are both okay, and (insert older child’s name) is happy to be a big brother/sister. Let me know when you are settled in with them, and I can catch up with you, no pressure at all, whenever you are ready’.

No need to tie the way they gave birth into anything.

MummaMummaMumma · 30/04/2025 11:21

This is Very weird that you feel you need to know. Nothing to do with you!

Matildahoney · 30/04/2025 11:23

How about just congratulations on the birth of baby, hope all went well & that you're both doing ok. Then it covers all bases and if she wants to tell you she can.

DottieMoon · 30/04/2025 11:24

You’re massively overthinking this. Just congratulate her.

ShinyWorthKeeping · 30/04/2025 11:25

If she wants you to know she will tell you, there's no reason you absolutely need to know this information so I would just say "how are you all doing" / "what a beautiful baby" / "lovely news" / etc.

I had a vaginal birth with my eldest and a planned c section with my 2nd (and will be having a c section again in September with #3) I hated when people asked why and found it so intrusive and embarrassing - especially when they were asking with judgement. I would just say 'lots of reasons' and change the subject. I didn't really want to discuss my PTSD caused by traumatic first birth with anyone, even close friends or family who asked nicely.

ijustneedaminute24 · 30/04/2025 11:27

Just avoid mentioning her vagina/abdomen and you’re golden.
Gorgeous baby, hope you’re both doing well, looking forward to seeing you both when you’re ready
should cover it.

Scottishgirl85 · 30/04/2025 11:28

OP, you come across like a section birth is inferior to natural birth, like an easier option. I do hope this is not the case. That's why you're getting a hard time.

MummytoE · 30/04/2025 11:29

So basically you want to find out if she had the easy way out or not. Lol!

Sofiewoo · 30/04/2025 11:32

MummytoE · 30/04/2025 11:29

So basically you want to find out if she had the easy way out or not. Lol!

Stop perpetuating this rubbish.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2025 11:33

I find this very odd. If you are close she'll tell you about her birth when you next see her. No need to fret/even think about it.

Meanwhile, how nice that you are friends and had babies at the same time! You'll be able to do outings together and support each other and all that lovely new baby stuff.

MummytoE · 30/04/2025 11:34

Sofiewoo · 30/04/2025 11:32

Stop perpetuating this rubbish.

Show quote history

Jeezo, that went over your head didn't it?! I wasn't perpetuating anything, hence the lol!

Rewis · 30/04/2025 11:34

I'm so confused. Do you want advice on how to acknowledge her birth without using the word congrats? Then hope you are well or beautiful baby or blessings or sowm type of compliment that shows you noticed the baby.

Or do you want advice on how to ask if she had a c-section? If you want to know out of curiosity, you don't. You wait for her to bring it up. Maybe at some point in the future when things are not as new ans conversation comes up, you might be able to ask.
If you want to know because you want to have a c-secrion and want personal experiences, then once the baby is not as new, you bring up in conversation how you're thinking about it and wait her her to bring it up.

real13 · 30/04/2025 11:34

I’ve only had C sections so can’t speak for a vaginal birth, but in all of my photos I have wires coming out of my hand, and chest pads on, so I guess it’s possible she had a C section?

SardinesOnGingerbread · 30/04/2025 11:34

This is the oddest thing I've read today. I am 0% convinced of the poster's alleged reason for asking this.

ManchesterLu · 30/04/2025 11:34

bexboz · 30/04/2025 09:43

That’s really helpful thanks! Yes that’s the best message, focusing on how they are both doing.

keeping in mind that I’m sleep deprived with a newborn myself so find it hard to think up
anything adult to say is quite challenging really at the moment.

all the posters who say “just say congratulations” - I have literally had a conversation with this friend where she told me how much she HATES the word “congratulations” where everyone just assumes the birth was great because the baby is healthy and no thought for the mum’s experience! Hence asking the question with this friend in mind.

forgot how judgy it is on here, and why I haven’t come for advice in forever…!

Show quote history

But you're saying "congratulations on the new baby" not "congratulations on your perfect birth".

You're just being nosy. Stop.

Beeloux · 30/04/2025 11:36

I’d just congratulate her and say hope the birth went well. Most likely she will disclose if she did have a c section or vbac.

I’ve had two c sections and had the stickers on my chest and a cannula in both times.

Adrinaxo · 30/04/2025 11:38

I had an easy labour, no meds 20 mins pushing no stitches first baby and second similar. When people mention this in front of other mums I know had c sections I say well they are the real superwoman. How scary must it be to have surgery and risk their lives. From what I know of C sections it's major surgery. My sister had two and people have said they were in awe of me, how must she feel in that moment so I make a point of it. It's competition I don't care what anyone says.