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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

New mum and getting 10 hours sleep while the dad is doing the night feeds

269 replies

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:17

My friend has had a new baby who is two weeks old and as a new mum she isn’t waking up during the night for night feeds with her baby.

Her partner is doing it all. She is going to bed and getting up at 9am all refreshed…… while her partner is up all night making bottles. He is tired and needs help while she is sleeping away.

This can’t be normal can it?

OP posts:
Gothamcity · 26/02/2025 14:07

I don't really think it's any of your business if this is what's working for their family right now. Might find in time as the baby gets older she won't settle as easily with dad, and mum will have to do more night wakings anyway. 9 months pregnancy, then labour, she should take any help available to rest. And SHE'S your friend, how tired her husband is, is irrelevant to you. If she's saying that he's complaining or they're having marital issues because of this, then it would be fine to suggest a rota so they both get a couple of full nights sleep a week, but if all is well, it's really not an issue. I did the first 6 months wake ups with our dc as they were breastfed, dh would wake and help settle them though if they'd been awake for ages, and I was tired. Then once they were 6 months, eating solids, and didn't need milk all throughout the night, dh took over and did all the night wakings until thry slept through. Some of my friends were absolutely shocked by this, but it was what worked for us, dh didn't (dare) complain as I'd done the majority of the first 6 months, and actually it worked really well for us. I do shift work, so knew he and the baby would have to get used to me not being there for bedtime when I returned to work, and as toddlers they were very flexible with who put them to bed, because they'd got used to it. Dh has always said he can function perfectly well on very little sleep, so he kind of shot himself in the foot there, knowing I struggle with less than 8 hours 😄

BabyFever246 · 26/02/2025 14:07

Babies dad needs to get someone out pronto. That level of disregard I'd be really concerned about post natal depression or psychosis. It's not the sleeping at night. Especially if you've had a section you need to sleep and recover. Hell breastfeeding mums have to do it all the time while dad sleeps as they don't have boobs. But constant sleeping, not engaging with baby, I'd be really concerned.

FamilyPhoto · 26/02/2025 14:07

Lollypop267 · 26/02/2025 11:29

One hundred percent you're the MIL 🥱 so transparent haha

Steady on, we're not all Dragons ! Im a MIL and was will be delighted if my DS looks after the night feeds so DIL can rest. After all his dad did it too.
With regards to mum, she needs medical intervention if she is sleeping so much, I needed iron transfusions for 4 weeks after giving birth to DC2 because of anemia.

Scottishskifun · 26/02/2025 14:10

IHatePumping88 · 26/02/2025 12:56

Dad should sleep when the baby sleep.

Or is that piece of shit advice only given to women because we know it doesn't work?

This made me laugh out loud!

OP as others have said it sounds like she is unwell and potential PND either way needs to see GP/discuss with medical professionals.

As for 2 weeks of sleep deprivation for dad we'll yes if doing all the feeds overnight then they will be. But it's not really any different from a mum doing all the overnight feeds tbh!

StElse · 26/02/2025 14:26

I get that it's nice to sleep and recover, but in my opinion, as exhausting as it is, you want to get up with baby and just be with them all the time, at this age. The fact she doesn't, is concerning I think.

MillyVannily · 26/02/2025 14:28

Are you the MIL? You don't sound very friendly for a friend. A friend would check their friend's ok first as it's not normal to sleep this much, especially if she is waking up refreshed as you said in your op.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 26/02/2025 14:33

Many, many mothers are in that exact situation. In fact most people wouldn't bat an eyelid if the roles were reversed.

Is it fantastic? No...

But I would be far more concerned about her physical and mental health than a for a baby with a fully functioning parent.
We don't worry about a baby getting enough "dad cuddles", do we?

You sound very biased towards him OP and I would keep in mind you may have some internalised misogyny clouding your judgement about what a woman should be doing.

She sounds like she may need some external support, not people judging her at the most vulnerable time in a woman's life.

rach7979 · 26/02/2025 14:38

Another vote to say I'd be concerned about her mental health

LadeedahYadaYada · 26/02/2025 14:49

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:45

He has no choice…. He’s asked for some help but she won’t get up

help from health visitor

TY78910 · 26/02/2025 14:53

Wow that's fab. Great guy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2025 14:59

IHatePumping88 · 26/02/2025 12:56

Dad should sleep when the baby sleep.

Or is that piece of shit advice only given to women because we know it doesn't work?

I slept while the baby slept. I was bloody exhausted. I did everything as I was ebf. He’s only doing what I did except he didn’t have a difficult pregnancy and birth leaving me disabled plus a uterus infection to get over. Much as the situation isn’t ideal if the mum isn’t bonding with the baby, I’m sure he’ll be coping a lot better than I did physically.

5128gap · 26/02/2025 15:00

Well, she's either 'waking up refreshed' or she's 'sleeping all day too', which is it? I could understand if you had posed this in terms of being concerned whether your friend was well; but what woman worries that their friend is being too well treated by her husband, and that a new mum is getting an easier time than they think is 'reasonable'? If your friends husband is struggling its up to him to address that with your friend. Your job as HER friend is to concern yourself with her wellbeing, and if she's fine and 'refreshed' in the morning, be happy for her.

OddSocksAreCool · 26/02/2025 15:02

I have bipolar disorder and was at high risk of postnatal psychosis and this is what we did so I could sleep. I took over in the morning and he slept.

LittleGlowingOblong · 26/02/2025 15:03

I had an emergency Caesarian and the Tramadol I was given for the first couple of weeks could really knock me out.

But I’ve always been a night owl so I’d stay up until 2am and then go and get a relatively big long kip!

I just hope it’s not PND

RafaistheKingofClay · 26/02/2025 15:05

🤣This with bells on.

At least he’s got the advantage of not having just been pregnant and given birth.

If he’s on pat leave this make sense tbh. She gets to recuperate properly.

Completelyjo · 26/02/2025 15:05

He’s on paternity leave, did he think he was going to have time for golf?

notacooldad · 26/02/2025 15:06

It is nobodies business but their's.
That includes you OP.
Sounds like little drip feeds going on!

MellowCritic · 26/02/2025 15:07

You're not concerned about the baby getting mummy cuddles , you're here angry your 'friend' is resting and not commiting to the usual standards of taking on 100 per cent of everything. How on earth would you know if her hubby had asked for help and she's said no.. I bet that's not even the case. Why would this woman sleep all day and night.. is she ill? He might be complaining of doing it all but I doubt that's the truth and if she is really sleeping all the time, she should check in with her GP. You need to get a life for the rest of it.

Neurotoxic · 26/02/2025 15:08

Maybe she has PND.

If she does and I was her I wouldn't be telling you either, Mrs judgemental.

Hollyjollywafflecone · 26/02/2025 15:08

Is this a friend or is this your DIL that you’re not impressed with because of your poor precious son.

women have been stuck doing this forever, it’s not ideal, but he didn’t just give birth so I imagine of the two of them she needs more sleep than him.

if it really is your friend and she’s sleeping all the time, why don’t you check on her, check she’s not ill with anaemia or infection or just generally in too much pain and struggling with recovery, struggling with hormones and PND etc. weird that you’re judging her, seem to know all about their arrangement and you’re not at all worried about her? Just concerned that things arent fair for the dad.

Shetlands · 26/02/2025 15:09

StElse · 26/02/2025 14:26

I get that it's nice to sleep and recover, but in my opinion, as exhausting as it is, you want to get up with baby and just be with them all the time, at this age. The fact she doesn't, is concerning I think.

I didn't want to get up with my 1st baby during the night. I was exhausted and anaemic. I'd have welcomed DH doing the night feeds but he was back at work so I had to do them. After 5 weeks I had a huge migraine from lack of sleep and would have let the postman feed the baby!

Mulledjuice · 26/02/2025 15:09

BabyFever246 · 26/02/2025 14:07

Babies dad needs to get someone out pronto. That level of disregard I'd be really concerned about post natal depression or psychosis. It's not the sleeping at night. Especially if you've had a section you need to sleep and recover. Hell breastfeeding mums have to do it all the time while dad sleeps as they don't have boobs. But constant sleeping, not engaging with baby, I'd be really concerned.

This.

@Elizabeth2018 if you're a genuine friend please ask the dad to contact the midwife, HV or GP and say he's concerned about Postpartum depression.

It's disingenuous to say that it doesn't matter to a baby if it's rarely being cuddled by it's mum, but the concern atm should be for her mental health especially if dad is or is about to be back at work.

Bluntbiro · 26/02/2025 15:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 26/02/2025 15:13

Honestly the question in this situation is always "is the mum ok?" A mum who sleeps 10 hours a day and avoids caring for her baby is very likely to be struggling and in denial.

VintageFollie · 26/02/2025 15:15

You need to get your story straight. Is she up at 9am "all refreshed" or is she sleeping all day? Are you concerned that the husband is doing too much and needs help or are you "just concerned" that the baby needs more mummy cuddles?

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