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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

244 replies

Asher09 · 11/07/2023 23:08

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

OP posts:
Ellieell87 · 12/07/2023 13:06

notalltheanswersbutsome · 12/07/2023 12:03

Parents being equally involved while respecting that the mum is doing the birthing and having the last say in what she needs if there are reasons for that. If not and it’s just a “wouldn’t it be fun if my sister was there”

What a way to contradict yourself and also be condescending at the same time.

How so? My intention is absolutely not to be condescending! My whole point was that the reasoning behind the wish for another person to be there is quite important. If it is a wish to share the moment with a third party and not an actual need to get extra support I absolutely think the dad can object and say how he wishes this moment to be private. If it is because the dad was useless last time or scared or not supportive…then I get it. Which OP has just elsborated on and I commented that it made more sense now.
How is that contradicting? Because I don’t see it so black and white but actually think there is a lot to consider instead of just saying the mother has the 100% authority to decide every aspect of planning the birth of a mutual child?

CurlewKate · 12/07/2023 13:08

I don't understand why Mumsnet is always on the side of men. Of COURSE it should be up to the woman to decide who she wants with her when she's in labour!

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 13:15

? Because it’s a partnership and alienating the dad doesn’t make sense. Why should women not listen to the dad? No wonder Dc end up without dads!

Miajk · 12/07/2023 13:30

LoveBluey · 11/07/2023 23:24

Really quite surprised by the answers.

You need to feel comfortable and supported by your birthing partner(s). It has nothing to do with who was at the conception but rather who will best support you during the birth experience.

Incidentally I only had and wanted my husband with me but if I had wanted anyone else I would have expected him to not only agree but support that decision.

Same, a lot of people still just view women as some kind of incubator for babies.

It's very sad.

Miajk · 12/07/2023 13:31

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 13:15

? Because it’s a partnership and alienating the dad doesn’t make sense. Why should women not listen to the dad? No wonder Dc end up without dads!

What a stupid comment.

It's not alienating to have extra support during birth.

You're saying dads leave because women want family support during birth? How low will you go to excuse deadbeat fathers?

Jesus the bar for men is below the floor apparently. It's ok to leave if as a man you're offended that your partner was more comfortable having her mum or sister there (who have also given birth so will be a different type of birth partner and support).

Worldgonecrazy · 12/07/2023 13:34

I haven’t read the whole thread but there is lots of evidence that having males present during Labour can slow the process and lead to a higher risk of medical intervention. Could you split it so that your sister is there to support you in Labour, and quick change to husband for the actual birth?

ElFupacabra · 12/07/2023 13:38

Does your sister want to be there? With 3 kids of her own I’m surprised she even has the time / option of dropping everything and running to you to be by yourself for hours and hours.

W1h · 12/07/2023 13:42

I can't believe some of these answers. You're the one who is giving birth, you have whoever you want to make you feel comfortable and supported. You're husband doesn't get a say.

If your husband can't realise that his role is to support you in whatever way he can when you're giving birth then are you due you even want him in the room?

Nursemumma92 · 12/07/2023 13:47

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 13:15

? Because it’s a partnership and alienating the dad doesn’t make sense. Why should women not listen to the dad? No wonder Dc end up without dads!

Really?

So OP should listen to her partner who during her last labour which was a total of 14 hours, had to leave multiple times to get snacks and went home for A FEW HOURS to freshen up?

He sounds useless and OP is entitled to have somebody by her side that will support her for the entirety if that's what she chooses.

And I'm not saying women shouldn't listen to the dad's, they can listen to their opinions but ultimately it's the woman that has to go through the labour- she gets the say on who is present.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 13:49

Nah, he doesn’t get a say. What he wants is irrelevant. You’re enduring labour, what you want, you get. That’s it. He gets a say on parenting, not in pregnancy and definitely not in anything to do with the birth.

If you want your sister too, have your sister too. This is about you.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 13:51

I was in labour for 14 hours the first time, he went home for a few hours to 'freshen up', he was in and out getting snacks... at times he was a deer caught in headlights - it's a traumatic thing for everything

Ha. I posted without reading this ^

He needed some hours to ‘freshen up’? Leaving the OP alone? Fuck sake. Have your sister. Have whatever you want. Don’t let him emotionally manipulate you into not having someone who will actually be able to support, advocate for and understand you.

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 13:54

He told you he'd say how he really felt once you'd made a final decision, that surely is giving you autonomy over the situation without lying just to agree with you. By the sound of it no he isn't that keen (understandable to be honest) but is recognising you have the final decision. So it's up to you really isn't it, personally I'd perhaps have sister nearby 'on call' in case I felt I needed her during labour without having her there from the outset just incase.

PeterSimple · 12/07/2023 13:56

As the father, I wanted to be at my wife's side when she gave birth.

But if she'd requested that her mum, her sister, and the band of the Waldorf-Astoria also be there because it would make her feel more comfortable and supported, I'd have gone along with it.

Because nothing trumps the mother's wishes in this situation.

ZebraDilemma · 12/07/2023 13:58

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 13:54

He told you he'd say how he really felt once you'd made a final decision, that surely is giving you autonomy over the situation without lying just to agree with you. By the sound of it no he isn't that keen (understandable to be honest) but is recognising you have the final decision. So it's up to you really isn't it, personally I'd perhaps have sister nearby 'on call' in case I felt I needed her during labour without having her there from the outset just incase.

He told you he'd say how he really felt once you'd made a final decision

This is rather controlling and juvenile, withholding info, it’s not wholeheartedly supporting his wife in her choices.

shieldmaiden7 · 12/07/2023 13:59

I couldn't imagine having anyone else that than my husband.

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 13:59

ZebraDilemma · 12/07/2023 13:58

He told you he'd say how he really felt once you'd made a final decision

This is rather controlling and juvenile, withholding info, it’s not wholeheartedly supporting his wife in her choices.

Show quote history

Its a no win though isn't it? If he said no he doesn't want her sister there then it'll affect OPs decision, by saying he doesn't mind if he does then that's also pointless really. From OPs first post it sounds like she asked and then kept pressing for an answer which is fine, but a bit different from just saying at the outset nah not going to tell you.

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 14:00

In a marriage or relationship you owe it to yourself to be honest also and not always just blindly agree.

Pallisers · 12/07/2023 14:08

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 13:15

? Because it’s a partnership and alienating the dad doesn’t make sense. Why should women not listen to the dad? No wonder Dc end up without dads!

Finally the mystery solved. Men abscond and leave their children forever because their women wouldn't listen to them. Of course. Amazing insight there.

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 14:10

I just love the angry posts coming in directed at me. Woman with an opinion! Me! How dare I have one that differs from the sisterhood? It’s a partnership. Why not accept the person who is the dad wants to be there for a precious moment. Maybe he regrets being a bit flaky last time? If he is so awful, why is there baby no 2 anyway? Is he just a useful idiot?

chooseanother · 12/07/2023 14:13

What will happen immediately after you give birth? Will your sister leave straight away to give the both of you those precious first hours alone with your baby? She's unlikely to want to leave straight away but I think sticking around would be intrusive. It could feel awkward

KitchenSinkLlama · 12/07/2023 14:17

The only opinion that matters is the labouring mother. OP do what makes you feel the most comfortable.

Familycourtdrama · 12/07/2023 14:27

I can see both sides here. You obviously want the comfort of your sister being there in addition to your husband, but I think if I was him I would feel this would take away from the emotional experience of it all. He is probably feeling pushed out.
If you decide to go ahead against his wishes and have your sister there he doesn't have to be happy about it and you can't force him to be either.

Surelyitscoffeetime · 12/07/2023 14:33

CrystalTits · 11/07/2023 23:17

Unless your sister was also there at the conception then I agree with him that the birth of your baby should be an experience just for you and your husband.

Exactly this.

fireflyloo · 12/07/2023 14:36

It's your birth. You want it to be the most positive experience possible and if having your sister does that then your dh should support you in it. He sounds like a knob.
I had my mum, and she was there when all my nieces and nephews were born too. I don't know anyone who didn't have an additional birthing partner to their dh/dp. I'd have killed my dh if my mum hadn't been there as I just found him to irritating!

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 14:48

Although many women posting won’t care, men who feel pushed out and are not listened to do tend to back off from being a good dad. They might feel it’s not an equal partnership and go and look for one. Why on earth anyone would push a dad away that does want to be there is beyond me. It is sending a loud message. Dad is not wanted. This no doubts suits some but it’s hardly bonding as a family. It’s not dad vs mum either. Work as a couple. Together.

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