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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

244 replies

Asher09 · 11/07/2023 23:08

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

OP posts:
AnotherCountryMummy · 12/07/2023 14:50

I'm with some of the others and can completely understand why he doesn't want her to be there. It's such an intimate moment for you both. The baby is equally his and yours.

What can your sister give you that your husband can't?

Your sister can be helpful in many other ways. Why doesn't she look after your other child when you are in hospital?

Blossomtoes · 12/07/2023 14:57

What can your sister give you that your husband can't?

Well she probably won’t stand down the business end and shout “I’ve got a son!” like mine did. It was very far from an intimate and bonding moment, I wanted to slap him. It made me realise how sensible they were in the generations when birth was “women’s business” and your mum/auntie/other female relative supported you. For various reasons that weren’t his fault or his choice he wasn’t there the second time. Which frankly was a relief.

Nursemumma92 · 12/07/2023 14:58

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 14:48

Although many women posting won’t care, men who feel pushed out and are not listened to do tend to back off from being a good dad. They might feel it’s not an equal partnership and go and look for one. Why on earth anyone would push a dad away that does want to be there is beyond me. It is sending a loud message. Dad is not wanted. This no doubts suits some but it’s hardly bonding as a family. It’s not dad vs mum either. Work as a couple. Together.

Dad is wanted though isn't he? But the OP also wants her sister there so she isn't left alone again!

Funny how when women aren't listened to and are pushed out they don't have the option of 'backing out' of being a good mum. No wonder we have so many deadbeat dads if the threshold for dipping out of parenthood is their partner needing some support from someone else.

If it was about working as a couple together then he wouldn't have left her for multiple hours whilst she was in active labour last time. He may just find it difficult seeing her in pain and that's fine, but begrudging his wife her sister to support is just crazy.

Creepyrosemary · 12/07/2023 15:05

"Intimate moment" "special moment" "having someone else there will lessen the experience"

Crikey, you all had a very different birth experience from mine. I ended up with an emergency section with 14 professionals present after 3.5 days of induction and the baby was gone for hours before she was stabilised enough to even hold her. I still found the fact that a baby was born the most special moment of our lives, but an intimate or romantic experience it was not.

And as for "only who was present at conception" then even I wouldn't be there because she was conceived in a petri dish in a lab.

You might just not get the romantic birth that either of you have planned, and that will be fine too. Too much planning is just wishful thinking. What does he want if things go belly up? Will he leave you or the baby? Won't it be easier if there is one advocate for you (sis) and one for the baby (him)? Or would he be okay with it if sis takes a quiet step back when the baby is actually born so she can see it from tge corner of the room but let the two of you have your moment? What is he afraid of happening if she's present? There will be people present so why would sis bother him? Find out and work with that.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 15:12

AnotherCountryMummy · 12/07/2023 14:50

I'm with some of the others and can completely understand why he doesn't want her to be there. It's such an intimate moment for you both. The baby is equally his and yours.

What can your sister give you that your husband can't?

Your sister can be helpful in many other ways. Why doesn't she look after your other child when you are in hospital?

Well, I imagine she wouldn’t fuck off home to ‘freshen up’ for several hours during a 14-hour labour, nor wander off for constant snacks. She’s also more likely to advocate for the OP rather than standing like ‘a deer in the headlights’.

Sure, it’s his baby. But it’s the OP’s pregnancy, birth and body. And what she wants, goes. His wants most certainly should not be prioritised over hers.

BoohooWoohoo · 12/07/2023 15:15

Your update has changed my view.

You were in the hospital for 14 hours but he went home to freshen up? Wtf. That's not a good birth partner's actions.

Your tag team idea makes sense. Second babies are often quicker but your sister staying for a few hours in the middle while he freshens up (wtf) is a good idea.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 15:15

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 14:48

Although many women posting won’t care, men who feel pushed out and are not listened to do tend to back off from being a good dad. They might feel it’s not an equal partnership and go and look for one. Why on earth anyone would push a dad away that does want to be there is beyond me. It is sending a loud message. Dad is not wanted. This no doubts suits some but it’s hardly bonding as a family. It’s not dad vs mum either. Work as a couple. Together.

Any man that fragile in the ego department would be more than welcome to fuck off. I wouldn’t want anything to do with someone who put his wants ahead of mine, if I was the one enduring pregnancy and birth.

Men don’t need you to fight for them, by the way.

GG1986 · 12/07/2023 15:18

Why wasn't she at your first birth?
Personally I think it is such a special moment between mum and dad and I wouldn't have my mum, sister or a friend at my labour unless there was a reason dad couldn't be there. Maybe you could have sister there for the beginning of labour and then send her away before baby arrives? He needs to communicate why he is pissed off though.

Ellieell87 · 12/07/2023 15:37

BoohooWoohoo · 12/07/2023 15:15

Your update has changed my view.

You were in the hospital for 14 hours but he went home to freshen up? Wtf. That's not a good birth partner's actions.

Your tag team idea makes sense. Second babies are often quicker but your sister staying for a few hours in the middle while he freshens up (wtf) is a good idea.

Yeah mine too. As an objective question on wether or not the dad has a say in any form I still think he does….
But had my partner left at any point to freshen up I would have gone crazy. As I recall he didn’t pee for 8 hours.

Pallisers · 12/07/2023 15:54

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 14:48

Although many women posting won’t care, men who feel pushed out and are not listened to do tend to back off from being a good dad. They might feel it’s not an equal partnership and go and look for one. Why on earth anyone would push a dad away that does want to be there is beyond me. It is sending a loud message. Dad is not wanted. This no doubts suits some but it’s hardly bonding as a family. It’s not dad vs mum either. Work as a couple. Together.

First of all the OP is pushing out her husband - she is suggesting she also has an additional close family member supporting her.

Second, do you ever worry that women who aren't listened to during labour and feel pushed out of managing their own experience might back off from being a good mum? Or is it just the delicate men who might be forced to be a bad dad by their mean wives?

Pallisers · 12/07/2023 15:54

isn't pushing out her husband obviously

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 16:14

Personally I think it should only be your partner there. It's an intimate couples moment

Blossomtoes · 12/07/2023 16:18

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 16:14

Personally I think it should only be your partner there. It's an intimate couples moment

Only if they’re not a dick. Unfortunately they seem to be depressingly common.

Cindan · 12/07/2023 16:27

You are the one having the baby. His job is to support you in whatever way you need. If you want your sister there then he needs to get over himself. How he feels really isn’t important.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/07/2023 16:44

fridaynight1 · 12/07/2023 00:36

Your baby's birth is special to both of you, and a moment to share. It's not a social event. You can introduce your baby to family afterwards. Sorry, OP but I'm team DH.

You're missing the point of why people have birth partners. It isn't to have a social event and meet the baby, it's to support the birthing woman through labour. Keeping her hydrated, rubbing her back, giving her motivational and positive affirmations etc. These are things that a lot of husbands/boyfriends fail to do during labour.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/07/2023 16:46

Pallisers · 12/07/2023 15:54

First of all the OP is pushing out her husband - she is suggesting she also has an additional close family member supporting her.

Second, do you ever worry that women who aren't listened to during labour and feel pushed out of managing their own experience might back off from being a good mum? Or is it just the delicate men who might be forced to be a bad dad by their mean wives?

Show quote history

Well said @Pallisers . I can't get over the comments here!

CurlewKate · 12/07/2023 16:51

I am staggered that ANYONE thinks it's not entirely the birthing woman's decision who she has with her.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 16:54

CurlewKate · 12/07/2023 16:51

I am staggered that ANYONE thinks it's not entirely the birthing woman's decision who she has with her.

Me too. The MRAs are out in force, it seems.

Blossomtoes · 12/07/2023 16:55

CurlewKate · 12/07/2023 16:51

I am staggered that ANYONE thinks it's not entirely the birthing woman's decision who she has with her.

Yup.

Peony654 · 12/07/2023 16:58

It’s your choice but I am with him - if I was him I wouldn’t want to share that experience with another person

AuntMarch · 12/07/2023 17:04

My sons father and I separated during group pregnancy, although amicable I knew I didn't want him there. But I didn't want anyone else either - my mum kept me company until it was time to start pushing but I didn't want anyone fussing or to be aware that anyone was there watching my dignity disappear 😅
So I'm very much on the side of not wanting anyone extra around.

but giving birth is hard and your plan should be whatever is going to help you through it.
I don't think you can expect him to love the idea though, and the fact he raised it suggests he's willing to suck it up?

CurlewKate · 12/07/2023 17:07

I mean, I do hope she's going to be ready to resume her "wifely duties" soon. Don't want her husband having his needs met elsewhere, do we?

BerfyTigot · 12/07/2023 17:12

@Asher09 you're the person giving birth, you get to choose. Have whoever you want, it's really not up to him.

Jobreveal · 12/07/2023 17:18

Some of those responses surprise me. OP you are the one giving birth and if you feel that you would be better supported with your sister there too then quite frankly your husband's opinion is irrelevant. He should be welcoming anything that is going to make it easier for him.

I had my mum with me for both my births and she was the first one to see my DC as DH wasn't even in the room! He was just very pleased that she was able to support me. It hasn't affected our relationship in any way and he has a very strong bond with the children.

Sugarfree23 · 12/07/2023 17:25

DH might have been a bit caught in the headlights first time round but less so second time round. He has been through that learning curve. So don't write him off.

I do think have what you want, but as someone who laboured alone for hours with my first baby, and who's second was a bit "WTF that's the HEAD" DH was nowhere in sight I can think of nothing worse than having more people than necessary clucking round me like mother hen, while I have a baby.

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