Men staying on the ward?

[DogsAndGin]

I just visited my friend who gave birth in the hospital I intend to give birth in. She had an ELCS, as I will be - so she stayed overnight, as I will be.

I was shocked to learn that on the ward were four ladies, two of which had their male partners stay all night! She said the midwives didn’t care, and didn’t ask them to
leave, and they also didn’t care about them watching TV on full volume and playing videos on their phones into the early hours!

The hospital’s website says all visitors must leave at night and cannot stay overnight - but this is obviously not enforced.

I really don’t want to be staying in a room at night with strange men present, as I wouldn’t feel safe. Has anyone come up against this problem and how did you manage to deal with it? Thank you x

[Tothepoint99]

I understand about them not enforcing the policy but not for the reason of not feeling safe! That's a bit of a leap. Are you so circumspect about all men??

Ask the ward manager or midwife about the policy not people on MN who will have no idea!

[user75]

It's horrendous. I visited my niece and saw a man ask a midwife to get him a cup of coffee and complained of sexism when she refused!!! Men have no place staying on an open ward. Why can't women have private rooms?

[Birdie746]

I also wouldn't feel safe with men in there.

[user75]

@Tothepoint99 A lot of women would not want to sleep with a man they do not know near by. I don't think I could. Women are allowed their feelings, it's not our fault that over 95% of sex attacks and violent attacks are carried out by men, it is not a myth. Not all men are like that but the vast majority of people like that are men. OP is right to question this and it is reasonable to want a single sex sleeping arrangement, especially when you are at your mist vulnerable.

[Suprima]

I’d be complaining to the midwives and demanding to be moved if they didn’t follow
policy.

There needs to be leniency somewhere-
a man staying with his wife who is about to deliver a stillborn baby, of course. However, it seems like from the threads on here that are sometimes allowed to stay even where there is absolutely no clinical need whatsoever.

The time spent in waiting rooms and clinics throughout my pregnancy has had me absolutely aghast with the useless, feckless, spoilt fuckers that some women see as father material. I will not be sharing overnight space with them. I’d discharge myself if there was no option.

[Wagsandclaws]

My dh stayed overnight in a private side room after my cs 9 years ago. Obvs he didn't leave the room at all only to leave and go home ( in normal visiting hours ).

I glad he did as I literally could barely move for the first 24 hours and there was no way the midwives would have been able to come and help pass dc as much as I'd have needed.

I don't think they should be on the main ward though - especially playing loud tv etc.

[BiscoffSundae]

Yes men stayed when I was in hospital on my ward, there was a few men staying over night

[Tothepoint99]

Of the sex attack data you've provided, how much of it occurred in hospitals?

I thankfully don't know of any male sex attackers, but one would consider that their m.o. is not to get a woman pregnant, make sure she has a section (specifically elective), then hang out in the chosen hospital for unsuspecting victims, who also don't have a male partner accompanying them.

If I was to have an ELCS, which I will be in 6 weeks, my first thought would not be about the male partner of the patient in the bay next to me.

OP is entitled their opinion. As am I.

[aSofaNearYou]

There are a lot of badly behaved men in the examples on this thread and I don't think any of that should be tolerated, but tbh I think YABU and men should be allowed to stay. I had an EMCS after a very long labour, I was too fatigued to wake up when my baby cried and when I did, I couldn't sit up. The midwives were not very helpful. It had a really negative impact on me having to stay overnight without the father to help with the baby, I don't think it's a good system at all.

[Mymoneydontjigglejiggle]

It depends really - I've had a VB and 2 ELCS. After the VB and my last ELCS I was put in my own room - first time due to complications, second time because that was where there was a spare bed (lucky for me!). With the one where I was put on a ward, there were only 3 of us and one husband stayed. Honestly you don't really get much of a chance to sleep anyway between people coming to check you, give painkillers, feeding and sorting your baby, all the babies crying, doors slamming etc. Day and night sort of merged into one for me and I was glad to get home as it was so noisy and hot!

[DogsAndGin]

@Tothepoint99

Of the sex attack data you've provided, how much of it occurred in hospitals?

I thankfully don't know of any male sex attackers, but one would consider that their m.o. is not to get a woman pregnant, make sure she has a section (specifically elective), then hang out in the chosen hospital for unsuspecting victims, who also don't have a male partner accompanying them.

If I was to have an ELCS, which I will be in 6 weeks, my first thought would not be about the male partner of the patient in the bay next to me.

OP is entitled their opinion. As am I.

It’s not my ‘first thought’ either but it’s a huge worry. As a victim of a male attacker, I refuse to sleep nearby to them.

[DogsAndGin]

@user75

It's horrendous. I visited my niece and saw a man ask a midwife to get him a cup of coffee and complained of sexism when she refused!!! Men have no place staying on an open ward. Why can't women have private rooms?

That’s awful! I will happily pay for a private room but even then, they’re not guaranteed.

[yesterdaytheycame]

If it's their hospital protocol to end visitation at a certain time and the midwives are not enforcing that I would make a formal complaint. They are not fit, they are putting patients at risk.

Is this down south?

[DogsAndGin]

@Mymoneydontjigglejiggle

It depends really - I've had a VB and 2 ELCS. After the VB and my last ELCS I was put in my own room - first time due to complications, second time because that was where there was a spare bed (lucky for me!). With the one where I was put on a ward, there were only 3 of us and one husband stayed. Honestly you don't really get much of a chance to sleep anyway between people coming to check you, give painkillers, feeding and sorting your baby, all the babies crying, doors slamming etc. Day and night sort of merged into one for me and I was glad to get home as it was so noisy and hot!

Yes I think I’ll be very grateful to be home too! I know it’ll be an unpleasant, hot and noisy night no matter what - but I thought safety was something I could, at least, be sure of.

[RibNSaucyArseCrack]

What exactly do you think they’re going to do? They’re there to spend time with their baby.

[Tothepoint99]

@DogsAndGin

It’s not my ‘first thought’ either but it’s a huge worry. As a victim of a male attacker, I refuse to sleep nearby to them.

I understand your context. Sorry to hear of what happened to you.

[DogsAndGin]

@aSofaNearYou

There are a lot of badly behaved men in the examples on this thread and I don't think any of that should be tolerated, but tbh I think YABU and men should be allowed to stay. I had an EMCS after a very long labour, I was too fatigued to wake up when my baby cried and when I did, I couldn't sit up. The midwives were not very helpful. It had a really negative impact on me having to stay overnight without the father to help with the baby, I don't think it's a good system at all.

Gosh that sounds awful, I agree - it isn’t a good system at all. Men shouldn’t be on women’s wards, there should be adequate care provided by the midwives, or women should have a female stay with them on a women’s ward - like their mum or friend. Or perhaps, a DBS checked volunteer, or assistant worker could be employed to assist with things like passing babies to new mums after c-sections, rather than stretch the midwives too far.

[HalfShrunkMoreToGo]

I hated staying in the ward after having DD because of the random men. They didn't stay seated at their wife and child's side, they paced and wandered. I was trying to establish breastfeeding and was very sore after a second degree tear. Having to constantly fret about whether my breasts were covered or if there was blood dribbling down my legs as I shuffled to the toilet because of the men peering about was very uncomfortable.

The nurses kept abruptly pulling the curtains back to come and do checks and would always forget to pull them closed again when they left so I'd have to painfully climb down off the bed to shuffle to close the curtains and then painfully climb back in to bed so that I could try to sleep without being watched in my sleep by the man opposite who was bored and constantly peering around at what was going on in the other bays.

My husband went home after visiting hours because he had no place in a womens post natal ward.

[DogsAndGin]

@Tothepoint99

I understand your context. Sorry to hear of what happened to you.

Thanks @Tothepoint99

[DogsAndGin]

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

I hated staying in the ward after having DD because of the random men. They didn't stay seated at their wife and child's side, they paced and wandered. I was trying to establish breastfeeding and was very sore after a second degree tear. Having to constantly fret about whether my breasts were covered or if there was blood dribbling down my legs as I shuffled to the toilet because of the men peering about was very uncomfortable.

The nurses kept abruptly pulling the curtains back to come and do checks and would always forget to pull them closed again when they left so I'd have to painfully climb down off the bed to shuffle to close the curtains and then painfully climb back in to bed so that I could try to sleep without being watched in my sleep by the man opposite who was bored and constantly peering around at what was going on in the other bays.

My husband went home after visiting hours because he had no place in a womens post natal ward.

That sounds awful, it’s exactly what I’m dreading. I don’t see why women can’t bring a female companion. I really think midwives should enforce this. I’m going to query it at my next appointment. Thank you so much for sharing x

[BunsyGirl]

I didn’t feel safe overnight on the post natal ward when I had my first child. I had pre eclampsia, HELLP syndrome, almost flatlined during labour (due to a massive fall in my blood pressure), hemorrhaged after I gave birth and DS was having IV antibiotics due to me having a temperature during labour meaning that I had to push him in his crib on a long walk to the neo natal department on my own with a bed mat stuck between my legs because I was loosing so much blood. I then shat myself on the way back into the ward as the door was locked and no one would answer the buzzer. Would have really helped to have my DH there to look after my DS and me.

[DeeCeeCherry]

Having to constantly fret about whether my breasts were covered or if there was blood dribbling down my legs as I shuffled to the toilet because of the men peering about was very uncomfortable

The nurses kept abruptly pulling the curtains back to come and do checks and would always forget to pull them closed again when they left so I'd have to painfully climb down off the bed to shuffle to close the curtains and then painfully climb back in to bed so that I could try to sleep without being watched in my sleep by the man opposite who was bored and constantly peering around at what was going on in the other bays

Same happened to me. I discharged myself. & the men DO stare. Sitting there with their eyes wandering around. Who wants to put up with all that?

& Women shouldnt have to explain why they dont want men around either.

[DogsAndGin]

@Suprima

I’d be complaining to the midwives and demanding to be moved if they didn’t follow
policy.

There needs to be leniency somewhere-
a man staying with his wife who is about to deliver a stillborn baby, of course. However, it seems like from the threads on here that are sometimes allowed to stay even where there is absolutely no clinical need whatsoever.

The time spent in waiting rooms and clinics throughout my pregnancy has had me absolutely aghast with the useless, feckless, spoilt fuckers that some women see as father material. I will not be sharing overnight space with them. I’d discharge myself if there was no option.

Quite right! I will absolutely complain.

I would discharge myself if it was safe to do so, but I’m not sure I’ll have much choice after a c sec!

[bakewellbride]

My dh stayed overnight with me each time. He was quiet and respectful and remained behind the curtain with me the whole time - you wouldn't have known he was there. I 100% wouldn't have managed without him - I wad in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed without help and I couldn't really look after the babies initially other than feeding so I needed him to do that too.

[TyrantosaurusRex]

This argument comes up a lot, personally I think there should be some that allow and some that don’t, after my c-sections both baby & I would’ve suffered a lot more had DH not been there, especially whilst the epidural & spinal block were wearing off but still preventing me from using my legs.

I would maybe look into why you think that a man being there is so awful? What do you think is going to happen and why is there no risk of a visiting woman doing anything bad? Do men only attack outside of visiting hours? Have you considered going privately?

I’ve not heard of any incidents of people being attacked on a maternity ward in my personal life not in the news, many in other circumstances but none in a maternity ward and I’m not saying it doesn’t happen and maybe I’ve missed news articles, so maybe a thread asking people if it’s happened to them?

Also, the first hours of life are important for bonding, is it ok to deny ‘the men’ and the babies this time?

In my experience the noise from the other babies at all hours, mixed with excitement and anxiety etc plus constant checking for nappy/feeding meant day & night were irrelevant. I was in for 3 nights, and most of the time didn’t care what the time was only for feeding. The wards are staffed the same during the day & night and they come in at all hours to check on you & your baby. So for me personally, I couldn’t care less about what was going on outside of my curtained cubicle, but having said that, I was so glad that DH was there in the very least to close the curtains again after midwives etc come in and out (they often don’t) because I didn’t want anyone including the mother opposite to see me and getting on and off a bed immediately after c-section isn’t possible until you regain the use of your legs, and ever after that it’s no joke.